Need advice about TTC without judgment

francophonia · July 2012

I posted about this in TTGP hoping to find information on conceiving at home and finding a sperm donor, and I ended up just getting a ton of judgment, and even had people accusing me of making it up, which really pissed me off. I'm hoping people here will be more understanding, or if not at least willing to put aside their judgment for the sake of maybe giving me some answers.

My wife and I want to conceive again, but we're having trouble finding a method and a sperm donor. I find a sterile medical environment to be very stressful and I want to avoid as many financial and legal complications that I can. With DS I conceived the old-fashioned way, which caused quite an uproar in the other forum.

I actually dated my donor a few years, and he's been my best friend since. Our relationship ended on positive terms and he's been close friends with my wife for longer than me. In fact, he introduced us. We both felt extremely comfortable in the situation, and the three of us have always communicated clearly and honestly, and I wouldn't have done anything differently. It was the best situation possible for the creation of my son.

About a year ago he was diagnosed with HPV. A woman he slept with contacted him after she got diagnosed, and his doctor confirmed it because he has visible genital warts. So he's no longer an option as a sperm donor. So now we're both at a loss as to how we're going to conceive, and who will be our donor. We both want to avoid financial and legal complications and we want to conceive at home. I don't know much about the turkey baster method or any at-home kits that might be available, so I was hoping maybe someone has had some experience with at-home conception or on choosing a sperm donor. I really could use any advice anyone has.

emma+karen · July 2012

If you are open to an anonymous donor, I would recommend the bank we used, NW Cryobank. They were so easy to work with and made it VERY easy to conceive at home (the only bank I found that did not require a doctor to sign off before they would ship to our home). So that might a good option, if you're willing to go with an unknown donor.

mypalbabs · July 2012

We're doing at-home insemination with an anonymous donor. We use Cryotec in Minnesota, because it's local, which saves a lot of $$$ on shipping. They do require "a doctor's note", which is a bit silly, because we're doing the inseminations ourselves. Basically, our midwife had to sign off saying that my partner is under the care of a physician. It's a formality.

So once we got all of that settled, our midwife taught us how to do our own inseminations at home. Honestly, it's not that difficult. She gave us a speculum and the other supplies - though these things can be purchased on the internet as well.

Each month, we monitor my partner's ovulation and when we're getting close, we order the sperm and it's delivered to our home. Once she get's a positive OPK test (just a pee-on-a-stick test you can do at home), we inseminate.

We've done five cycles so far. We've had two positive pregnancy tests (which means we're doing it right!) Unfortunately, those both ended in chemical pregnancies (very early miscarriages - unrelated to our conception method). Two cycles were just BFN (big fat negative). We did an insemination last weekend and we're waiting to test.

This is all totally manageable and possible to do. Sperm is expensive, but it is tested for quality and the donor's health is screened extensively. You can select a donor with whom you'll have no contact, or you can choose a donor with whom your child can have eventual contact.

2moms2b · July 2012

I would also recommend contacting a midwife. They can teach you how to safely do this at home as well as help you monitor your cycles (with less intrusion than a typical doctor). They can at least answer a lot of questions for you while still keeping that natural (well as natural as we can get) feeling. They will also have resources for using donors. Also depending on the method used at home, you might need to order a specific type of sample from the bank.

As emma+karen said most sperm banks or cryobanks require a doctor's office shipping address and will not ship to your home. A midwife in your area will have experience with who will do this and who will not and if there are any work arounds to their rules. I have heard lots of great things about NW Cryobank!

Best of luck to y'all!

JGY · July 2012

I don't have much to add that PP have not covered, but wanted to let you know that we used Fairfax Cryobank out of VA. They DO require a Dr's signature to ship to your home, but I echo the belief that you would likely want to consult with a Midwife/OB for guidance anyway so it's not that big of a deal to get that signature.

We found Fairfax to have a great selection of donors, and they are exceedingly easy to work with. Though it is a bigger freight bill for us since it has to be shipped halfway across the country.

Good luck! Keep us updated on your journey.

hlke · July 2012

I would strongly recommend Stephanie Brill's The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth.

We were trained in the "turkey baster" method by our local alternative insemination program. I can give you the low down if you PM me. We actually use a 3CC oral syringe and it's pretty much the easiest thing ever.

As far as finding another known donor, it really is a matter of personal choice and finding someone you trust. I'd suggest widening your idea of who could be a donor. Brill's book takes you through a great set of questions about how to find a known donor, I highly recommend it! We also used the health screening she suggested to test our donor before he donated.

Need advice about TTC without judgment

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