Any favoritism from grandparents?
britt1141
member
We are expecting our second DD pretty soon and MIL has still yet to aknowledge that she will have a second granddaughter. With DD1 she was ecstatic but she still has not even spoken this baby's name in conversation. She is also someone who shows her love by buying things and she has not bought one outfit or blanket or anything for DD2. She bought EVERYTHING you can imagine for DD1 so it is just a huge difference. Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying she has to buy things to love our children its just the way she normally is.
We have brought up in conversation how we are excited for DD2 to be here soon and all she will say is "you guys are going to have your hands full" or "the first year is going to be terrible". It is making me really sad and I'm not sure what to do about it. Hopefully she will change when DD gets here but for now its really stressing me out 
We are wondering if its because she thinks we are crazy for having 2 so close together or if she is worried we are going to ask her to babysit both of them but she has no reason to worry about this. She lives 3.5 hours from us... its not like we are going to pop in with both girls and leave them with her unnanounced...
Did any of you experience anything like this? Sorry so long :-/
Re: Any favoritism from grandparents?
Yes, we absolutely deal with this. DS is 3, DD is 19 months (and we have another on the way). My MIL took care of DS 2 days/week from when he was 6 months old and she was vocal about wanting to be his very favorite person on earth just like her Nana was for her (ugh). DH is also an only child and she's really close to him. All around, that was a difficult enough environment. Fast forward to pregnancy #2 and she was really worried ... she didn't know if/how she could care for two children, didn't understand why we would have them so close together, why we wanted more than 1 baby (I mean, that was good enough for her), and #2 was a girl and she had never been around girls in her life. She tried to feign excitement but it was pathetic ... similar to what you described, she bought a TON for DS and very little for DD until the end when she came through with a lot of clothes (most of which DH wouldn't even put on DD b/c he hates the clothes she picks out).
Now that we have lived with this for 19 months, I can say that it's gotten better but it's still an issue. She kept taking care of both kids for awhile but it wasn't working b/c she wasn't comfortable with both, couldn't work and care for them effectively, etc. so I pretty much told her that she needed to focus on her work and not feel so stressed and that we would hire a nanny instead. Although she REALLY didn't want to stop caring for them, she knew it was the right answer. I still hear all the time how much she misses them but she has somewhat adjusted to not seeing them every week.
DH was as annoyed as me about the favoritism and he still reminds her regularly to treat each child individually and fairly. She'll ask DS if he wants to do something special w/Nana and DH will call her out and ask what she's going to do with DD. It actually got a lot better after she spent an entire weekend caring for the kids (with her friend) and she had a really good time bonding with DD ... it also helped when DD got old enough to call her by name and show excitement in seeing her. Things still aren't even (and may never be) but the distance from the kids and time has eased the challenge somewhat.
The funniest part is that DD is a clone of my MIL - she looks like her (down to red hair) and has her exact same temperament. I joke a lot about raising my MIL and it used to really piss off my MIL until her friend that stayed w/her and all of her family started telling her how true it is. I think it still annoys her b/c she has such a strong (and sometimes challenging) personality but at least I can frame DD's behavior against hers when it's clear that she's choosing DS over DD.
I wish I had great suggestions for you ... hopefully everyone will settle in and this won't be a huge issue for your family - good luck!
I'm sorry you are going through this. My MIL definitely favors the first grandchild over the others (and even the boys over the girls). Unfortunately there isn't really anything you can do about it, and I wouldn't keep your hopes up that she will change. I hate setting myself up for disappointment (I've done it many times in the past) so I try to keep my hopes low on things like this and In the event she does come around you can be pleasantly surprised!
I think the "stigma" of 2 under 2 shows more on some people than others, you'd hope that your family members would be the nicest/most understanding, but sometimes they are the worst offenders (without even meaning it).
I hope things get better when your LO arrives and you show them that you are very capable of taking care of your kids, and enjoying life at the same time.
Honestly, I wouldn't judge until the baby is born. Right now she has your DD1 to focus on. When you were pregnant with DD1, she didn't have another baby to shower with attention so she gave that attention to your pregnancy. Plus, it is normal to not get the same "excitement" from others about 2nd, 3rd+ pregnancies. As for buying stuff - same deal - with pregnancy 1 you had nothing so it makes sense that she bought tons of stuff. But now you are having another girl within 2 years - buying tons more stuff isn't necessary.
Wait until the baby arrives.
As for your question - yes - my in laws favor my son. Totally a "boys rule" thing with them. Before my son was born, we had to talk to them over Christmas because they were favoring my nephew so much and it was VERY obvious. Like, he has a pile of gifts and they got her one board book. I feel bad for them because my DD has the sweetest heart. They just really only care for boys (they have 4 sons, no daughters and DD is the only granddaughter).
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
We had a problem with my MIL not being excited about the pregnancy. She was worried about our finances (my husband shares a lot with her) and also my BIL had just announced his girlfriend's pregnancy and she wasn't happy about that one either. The babies were born within a month of each other and we were all together about a month later and she showered them with affection. She loves babies and ultimately loves her grandbabies even if she thinks their conception was a mistake (she never said that, just implied it). So maybe you'll get lucky and she'll change her tune once the baby is born.
Side note: She's not super close with our son either, she lives far away so we visit every 3 years or so. She'd visited us when he was 6 months, and then we were there this last time when he was almost 2. So favoritism hasn't been a huge issue, but she was displeased with the pregnancy.
I definitely see my parents favor my son over my daughter. I don't think it's going to be a long-term, permanent thing though. My son is at a fun age. He talks up a storm and listens well. My DD is at a tougher age--she isn't really talking much, is all over the place and doesn't listen all the time. I think with time they will warm up to your second child.