- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Late Term and Child Loss
Heatherhah
member
Some days are harder than others (preg. Mentioned)
Heatherhah
member
So I was walking passed Sydney's nursery last night and decided to walk in and look around. The room was so dusty and there were so many things just kind of laying around in there from her memorial ,pictures and cards just a ton of stuff. I was looking at her socks and hats and things like that. I was also kind of assessing what we have for the new baby which is great becayse we won't need anything at all. But man I walked out of her room and cried for over an hour. We aren't changing her nursery at all. I can't !!
My mind races all the time about the fear of losing the baby I currently have inside. Which is stressful all by itself but then add the fact that in just a few short months it will be the 1 year angelversary of our sweet Sydney leaving us. It is too hard sometimes to be going through all of this and not worry so much. I just want a take home baby this time.
It sucks we all have to be here and be dealing with the loss of our babies. i am so sorry to you all.
Heather
DS- Brenden born 11/13/93
Missed miscarriage on March 6, 2007 @ 9 weeks D&C on March 8th 2007.
Riley Annalise born 2/25/08 ( 3 weeks early weighing 8 lbs 12.8 oz.)
Chemical pregnancy 3/2010.
Sydney Adriana born sleeping on 9/30/11 weighing 10lbs 3 oz at 38wks 4 days.
Trinity Alivia born via c section at 36 wks 4 days weighing 9 lbs. 5.7 oz. She is our amazing rainbow baby!!!
PGAL buddy drvst8
PGAL buddy drvst8
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Some days are harder than others (preg. Mentioned)
I know how you feel. It took me a long time to go into Ian's nursery after we lost him. We lost him in March and it snowed for the last time that year. When I could finally go in there again it was late November and when I came out I looked outside and it had started snowing for the first time that season. I cried for a long time that night.
The room was the same as you described. Dusty and things that had been left just laying around. It felt really good to clean it all up and assess what was needed for Zachary. We kept the room the same as well. I had already put so much work into it and I just couldn't stand to change it. I like to think that as brothers, they would have shared the same room anyway.
I doubted Every. Single. Day. If I would really get to bring Zachary home with me. It seemed too good to be true. I felt like I would never get to know the feeling of leaving the hospital with my baby. I know it is hard but have faith. I believe this time WILL be different and you WILL take home your baby!
Big hugs!
I, too, enjoy hearing about all the rainbow babies after terrible losses. My concern right now, as we grieve, is...what if we never get pregnant again. That is my biggest fear right now. And it's so hard to ignore it. I just pray harder about it...and try my best not to worry.
I won't even bother to say, don't worry...because of our experiences it's nearly impossible not to. I do understand your worries to an extent since my recent loss...but can't completely empathize since I'm not pregnant again as you are. So I will just pray that you find somehow find peace throughout the rest of your pregnancy:)
Make a pregnancy ticker
I was just talking to DH yesterday about this. I vividly remember sitting in our car at a stop light and DH talking about the baby we were going to get pregnant with someday soon, ( this was smack in the middle of our IF) and I just sat there saying nothing.
I remember thinking, I don't know why he is so excited, we are never going to get another chance. People don't get a shot at happy ever afters when they have lost the one the were already given. (Granted I still wouldn't consider this a happy ever after since we don't have Kam but I do at least have something to be happy for now)
But eventually it did happen and let me tell you. It was BSC scary!!! PgAL is no joke buddy. Freaked out the whole time. Heather I know you will remeber some of it. I didn't want him to have her stuff, then I did. I did want to use her crib then I didn't (we didn't).
It is hard, very hard. Just remember that no matter what this is still your baby, rainbow, first, second, third, ten thousandth.....This is a reason to be happy and joyous even in the midst of the fear and the sorrowful moments. Take time to look at Sydney's things and to remember how you felt when you were waiting for her, and figure out some things that are hers. Put them up, still in the room, but up on a shelf or somewhere so she will always be apart of her sister's room.
The hardest thing will be that the room will change eventually b/c baby girl will get older and mess stuff up and color on walls and want new stuff. Picking out Sydney specific items and leaving them in sight but up will keep her a part of the room in a tangible way but still allow you to seperate your happy and your grief.
I hope I didn't make it worse. That is just my experience, you know I love you bunches angelbuddy!
It's interesting that you're posting this right now because just this week I went into Timmy's room. We normally keep the door closed but went in to see what I had in there to use for this new baby, Jack. We had decided to use the same room as our angel, Timmy, but we're changing the decor and theme, etc. I went in to start to take down some things to change them over and it was HARD. I just had these horrible feelings of guilt like I was trying to replace Timmy's things with Jack, etc. I know I wasn't but it was just really, really sad and hard.
What has helped me are these two things-- 1.) I try to remind myself that Timmy would have been so excited to be getting a little brother. He'd be happy to share his crib with him and his room with him if he had the choice. 2.) We're trying to incorporate as much from Timmy's room into the regular areas of the house as we can. There was a black and white nautical print that we're going to put in the guest room. I took one of his boat pics and put it in our bedroom. His sister will get a wooden little sailor in her room. And we're keeping a wooden anchor and lighthouse in the nursery so that'll be Timmy's way of watching over his new brother.
This is all so hard. Take small steps when you're ready. Or maybe even have DH or someone else come to hellp you if you need it. ((hugs))
PgAL really sucks at times. I just had my rainbow baby at the end of April. While I was very grateful to be able to have more children, I feel cheated in a way. I was cheated out of a blissful, naive pregnancy with no worries. I wish I could still be that naive and think every pregnancy ends with a happy, healthy baby. That there were no angelversaries, empty arms, or NICUs.
I also feel like my son was cheated. He was cheated out of growing up with his big sister. He deserved to meet her but he never will. He deserved for me to be just as excited for his birth as I was for his sister. I just couldn't do it. I was scared to death. Too many what ifs and not agains.
Life just isn't fair. All we can do is roll with the punches. Positive thinking is what got me through. I had to keep telling myself this time was different. This time, my baby was coming home with me.