Adoption
An Introduction and a Question
Hello all!
DH and I have recently made the decision to adopt. I'm 27 and work from home as a graphic designer. DH is 32 and is a branch manager for an industrial supply company. We married about a year and a half ago and purchased our current home in December.
We would like a domestic adoption, infant-2years.
I've been lurking for a while and noticed that many of you have chosen to meet the birth mother and opted for an open adoption. I was curious as to how you all decided between open or closed adoption and what have been your biggest challenges resulting from that decision?
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Re: An Introduction and a Question
Hi and welcome.
I highly recommend the FAQs at the top of the board if you haven't checked them out already. If you have, just ignore me, it's just part of my welcome message
Open (well really semi-open) adoption was the de facto way the agency we used typically conducts their adoptions. They occasionally have a birthfamily that wants no contact, but there's usually some level of openness with most of their placements. The trend over the last few decades has been to have some sort of openness, because it has been shown to be beneficial to all parties involved (unless you have some serious instability, but I'm talking a "run of the mill" adoption). Some adoptees in closed adoptions feel like they're missing a part of themselves, and don't have someone to go to if they want to know anything from medical information to why they bite their lip when they're concentrating.
And there are many, many levels of openness. "Semi-open" like ours can range from no contact with the birthfamily, but letters/pictures exchanged through an intermediary like the agency, to regular visits but no sharing of last names or addresses, etc., with meetings in a neutral location. "Open" can mean anything from a couple visits a year to visiting on a frequent basis, depending on the comfort level of everyone involved. And it can change over time. If you become more comfortable with the birthfamily, and everyone is in agreement that they want to see more of each other, you can adapt. Or if you move farther away from each other and can't see each other as often, you can adapt in that direction.
We haven't really had any challenges. Our agreement is that we meet 2x/year and send letters/pictures annually through the agency. Almost all of our contact is through the agency, but we did set up a blog for DD's birthfamily so they can see updates more often than the annual update. Our agency has an annual picnic, which is one of our visiting times. And we meet at a restaurant or some other neutral location for our other visit. If anything, I'd say our biggest "challenge" has been that we'd actually like to see more of DD's birthfamily. But they haven't expressed any desire to go beyond the status quo, so we don't push.
I would highly recommend The Open Adoption Handbook (I think that's the name?) by Bruce Rappaport. It can give you some insights into open adoption and how it may look.
GL and post often!
Thank you so much!
Your response was incredibly informative, you brought to light many points we hadn't considered. We definitely have a considerable amount of research to do.
This board is definitely going to be a great asset to us and our journey.
I have many more questions but will wait to post until after we've spoken with our agency.
I suggest doing a LOT of reading and research about open adoption. For book recommendations, check out my blog. I've done several book reviews over the past couple of months, and many of those books are about open adoption.
The agency we chose is very pro-open adoption, and I think all (or nearly all) of their adoptions are open these days. I read a stat in one of my books recently that 90% of adoptions today are open to some degree.
Thank you ladies!
I guess I find the open/semi-open concept a little frightening. My fear being that the bmom/family would eventually want the child back. Does that ever happen? What are their rights if they decide they want the child back? What protection do adoptive parents have in those situations?( I'm guessing the latter two answers will be dependent upon which state the adoption took place in and the agreement between birth parents and adoptive parents.)
Gnome, thanks for the book suggestions! I'm quickly learning just how misinformed I am when it comes to adoption.
These are very, very common fears when you're first researching adoption. Especially because those cases are the ones that hit the news, and the healthy adoptive relationships don't. Because, well, they're boring
In domestic infant adoption you're looking at birthparents voluntarily terminating their parental rights, and they would have to go to court to prove they were coerced into doing so to even try to get a child back. IMO that rarely happens.
Your bigger risk is the birthparents deciding to parent instead of placing, either right before or right after the birth. Their window to change their minds IS state-specific, so you can check your state's rules and find out what it is.
My advice is to do more research on the scenarios you have in mind, and if/when you're ready to check out some places you may want to adopt from, attend some info sessions and see how those sorts of issues are addressed. If they don't address them in the info sessions, ask them to explain how it works. They should be able to walk you through it.
HTH
We haven't completed our adoption yet, but I think I know the answer to your question.
Once the birth parents sign the TPR, they and their families no longer have any legal rights to the child (in some states it may take a few days to be binding, but I think most agencies will use some sort of cradle care until the legal risk period has passed). The birth parents may still decide to parent until the legal risk period has passed, but that means different things in different situations. In our case, from the day of placement until finalization, technically our agency will have legal custody of the child, but he/she will live with us and be our child. Once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents ARE the parents in every legal way. They have the same rights to the child as any parent, and your child will get a new birth certificate listing you as the parents, and the name you have given them. If I'm mistaken about any of this, someone PLEASE let me know. As far as I know, this is how it works legally.
In my understanding, the only time that children are ever reunited in a domestic infant adoption is when you take the baby home during the legal risk window, when the birth parents can still change their minds and choose parenting instead of adoption. In some states you have to wait 30 days or so if the birth father is unable to be found. In some states it takes 10+ days for the birth mother's TPR to be considered valid. But in some situations, the birth father can sign before birth and the TPR is non revocable once signed by the birth mother, and you can leave the hospital with your child. It all depends on what your situation ends up looking like. Again, if I'm wrong about any of this, somebody please let me know.
Initially, I also found the idea of open/semi-open adoption a bit unsettling, but the more info I gathered, the more comfortable I felt. Everything I've ever read points to some level of openness being beneficial for everyone, especially the child. And honestly, from the APs I've spoken with IRL, most of them have made comments about wishing they had more contact than they currently have. I've read a few books on open adoption, but the books that made the greatest impact on me were written by an adoptee from a closed adoption 40-50 years ago. I cried the whole way through them (Sherry Eldridge books, if you are interested).
I think you are in a great place to find lots of useful info. Welcome and good luck with your journey!
SO well put. I feel like I should bookmark this for future reference...