PSA re "having it all/doing it all" etc.

KathrynMD · July 2012

I say this as someone who only has 1 LO, but IMO, if you are stressed out and overwhelmed all the the time - by regular job/home/kids/husband combo - you're doing it wrong (i.e. assuming you aren't dealing w/ serious illness, unemployment, financial issues, etc.)

Take control of your time and your life, figure out where to cut corners, realize there are only 24 hours in a day and you can't work a full time job and be gone 8-10 hours a day and try to keep a home like you're June Cleaver/Martha Stewart and get a decent nights sleep and enjoy your kids and enjoy your life.

I don't know why so many women here on this board/women in general put so much pressure on themselves. There is not prize at the end for doing the most meals from scratch or vacuuming most often, you know? If those things are stressing you out - let go of that expectation.

laurakaz13 · July 2012

This should be required reading to post on this board!

easjer05 · July 2012

That is all true, and I think a lot of us know that. What I struggle with personally is knowing where to cut those corners and how to deal with the guilt or other fallout that comes with that. Like with work - how do I manage an overload at work when everyone is overworked and I am the only one leaving at 5? I can do that, but I feel an intense amount of guilt, especially when there are things simply left undone. At the same time, I only get a few very short hours to spend with DD before she is in bed - I need to go at that time, or my mother guilt kicks in.

It's not knowing the truth, it's applying it that is hard.

jlaOK · July 2012

Agreed. For 2-parent families, I also think its important to have a supportive DH/SO. There is no reason to have all the pressure as mom to "do it all" and your partner not pull his weight.

E&RMommy · July 2012

I agree.

I stepped over toys to walk out of my front door this AM. I thought...hmm...that's bad that our nanny has to pick them up. Then I thought. Nope. Don't feel bad. Got home at midnight from the hospital and was back out the door at 6. I pay our nanny well, and she can clean them up.

You cannot be 100% to your husband, kids and work 24/7. Something will always give. And that's ok.

KathrynMD · July 2012

easjer05:

That is all true, and I think a lot of us know that. What I struggle with personally is knowing where to cut those corners and how to deal with the guilt or other fallout that comes with that. Like with work - how do I manage an overload at work when everyone is overworked and I am the only one leaving at 5? I can do that, but I feel an intense amount of guilt, especially when there are things simply left undone. At the same time, I only get a few very short hours to spend with DD before she is in bed - I need to go at that time, or my mother guilt kicks in.

It's not knowing the truth, it's applying it that is hard.

that guilt is CRIPPLING/PARALYZING - that's the real truth.

There is not a day that I don't leave work thinking "I should really stay another hour, 2 hours" and "I really should have left an hour ago" but you just have to accept the reality there are not enough hours in the day, the only thing you can do is your best and if that can be good enough for you. If its not good enough for other people - that's their problem.

tosababy · July 2012

This is very simplistic. There is a big difference between someone stressing herself out over everything being perfect in her home and difficult choices about family (including extended family) celebrations and obligations, work expectations/limitations, the practice of faith, if applicable, the sincere desire to do volunteer work, especially if it involves her children, and parenting and providing opportunities and fun activities with the kids.

You say cut and don't waste time feeling guilty, but it's hard to cut things you value and, if you do, you'll likely feel guilty. This is something women can work on, and we should take the time to assess our situation in light of our goals and values, but you can't just start lopping off things that people care about without it hurting.

tosababy · July 2012

KathrynMD:
that guilt is CRIPPLING/PARALYZING - that's the real truth.

There is not a day that I don't leave work thinking "I should really stay another hour, 2 hours" and "I really should have left an hour ago" but you just have to accept the reality there are not enough hours in the day, the only thing you can do is your best and if that can be good enough for you. If its not good enough for other people - that's their problem.

It could quickly become your problem if the unhappy people are your employers who decide you shouldn't work there anymore.

aglenn · July 2012

I agree. For me this has been one of the hardest adjustments of parenthood, because I am used to being an overacheiver and doing "it all" with ease. Accepting that I can't always predict how things will go and I can't always fit it all in is hard. We all get the things done that are most important to us, and we have to let some of the rest go.

MammaBear81 · July 2012

Some people have better time management skills than others, some people have money to hire out help, and some people have neither. That's life and it's not fair, you can either throw a pitty party or work through it, it's YOUR CHOICE to feel the way you feel. Guilt yourself into feeling bad, or be happy with what you do have.

I'm stepping off of my soapbox now.

LoCarb · July 2012

KathrynMD · July 2012

mbenit4:
KathrynMD:

Take control of your time and your life, figure out where to cut corners, realize there are only 24 hours in a day and you can't work a full time job and be gone 8-10 hours a day and try to keep a home like you're June Cleaver/Martha Stewart and get a decent nights sleep and enjoy your kids and enjoy your life.

As I stated in my "do it all" post. It starts with your priorities. Everyone is different and every family has different priorities. You do what is important to you.

I am able to enjoy my children, sleep, keep my home up, and work full time. It can be done. I think it is unfair to say it cannot. Is our home ready for a Better Homes and Garden photo shoot? No. Martha would probably have some tips for me. However, our home is clean. It takes very minimal effort when you have a plan and two people committed to getting it done.

It is an unfair assumption that the women who say you can get it done are either lying or under some extreme pressure. That is just not the case. My SO and I are a team. This was communicated and discussed way before we added baby #2.

you're one of the best examples of what I'm trying to say - I am CONSTANTLY amazed by how much you say you do and how organized you are, but you almost never complain about not getting to everything or not being able to clean your house and how you are so stressed out about it. You obviously place a very high value on certain things (clean house, meal prep, etc.) so you work to make it happen - and go you! I'm sure there are things you let go b/c you don't value them as highly and you're not stressed about it either. Does that make sense - you focus on the things you care about and then let the rest of it go.

Pesky · July 2012

MammaBear81:

Some people have better time management skills than others, some people have money to hire out help, and some people have neither. That's life and it's not fair, you can either throw a pitty party or work through it, it's YOUR CHOICE to feel the way you feel. Guilt yourself into feeling bad, or be happy with what you do have.

I'm stepping off of my soapbox now.

This exactly. Sure I have worries about impact on my family, impact on my career, sighing about the disheveled state of my house. But you know what? I CHOSE not to feel bad about it. I don't sit and moan about it. What a waste! Screw it. I just say "oh well" and move on. I'm doing the best I can with what I have and know that as the kids get older and help more around the house (like DD already picking up the toy room and setting the table) things like the state of the house and being able to do more elsewhere will improve. But for now, I have chosen my priorities and balances and it works well enough -- got a promotion, kids are great and happy with the mommy time. My house is a mess but I'll take that in the trade-off.

Wildlandwife · July 2012

laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

KathrynMD · July 2012

mbenit4:
I also don't appreciate the implication that I let anything go. You don't walk in my shoes. Your tone is very condescending.

I am a huge admirer of yours - I'm very, very sorry if I came across as condescending. I also know you don't toot your own horn about what you do, you just reply to post/questions. Over the years, I find I am consistently impressed by how much you accomplish. Really, truly sorry I offended you.

expectingnothing · July 2012

I don't think I ever can have it all... not at once anyway. When I stayed home I spent more time cleaning up after the kids. Now that I'm at work, I spend my time doing housework (laundry/cooking) and spending less time with the kids. But overall I manage well and I get done what NEEDS to get done. Our house is always a little disheveled but the three of us always have clean clothes and food to eat and we have a good time doing things. I also get a good amount of sleep and when I'm motivated I find time to work out, but I don't have enough free time to really indulge in too many different hobbies. Maybe if I remarry or if XH takes the girls even one weekend a month, but for now I prioritize and get done what has to get done, alot of stuff slides (like my house tidiness), and I get little snippets of time for myself.

easjer05 · July 2012

mbenit4:
easjer05:

That is all true, and I think a lot of us know that. What I struggle with personally is knowing where to cut those corners and how to deal with the guilt or other fallout that comes with that. Like with work - how do I manage an overload at work when everyone is overworked and I am the only one leaving at 5? I can do that, but I feel an intense amount of guilt, especially when there are things simply left undone. At the same time, I only get a few very short hours to spend with DD before she is in bed - I need to go at that time, or my mother guilt kicks in.

It's not knowing the truth, it's applying it that is hard.

Prioritize. You can't stay late every night. Is this a special project? Do you have a busy season, etc? If so, compromise. Stay late maybe one night a week. Is this something with a deadline. Maybe stay late a few nights to get it done by that time and then go back to leaving at 5.

You do what you can when you are there but when you leave, leave it. If you are only required to stay until 5pm, leave and leave the work there. Enjoy your baby.

I'm never not in a busy season at this point. Eleven months ago I took over a third department that was in serious chaos after years of neglect and mismanagement. At the time, my boss and I both believed that it was a feasible (if heavy) workload. We've since learned otherwise. To be honest, three years ago (ie, pre-Texas economy tanking and pre-budget cuts), the things I am currently responsible for were done by 2.5 full-time staff members with a total staff of 6 people. I now have 3.5 staff people (+ an intern, sometimes, and that half person costs me more time in correcting their errors than assisting me no matter how many tools or trainings I give that employee) and the workload of 3 full time people.

When I was pregnant, I frequently worked 60+ hours. I get paid for and am expected to work 40. Most of the people in my office work the excess hours - I am by no means alone in being overstretched. Things are necessarily falling through the cracks because I haven't got adequate time to do everything myself or fully oversee all my staff and manage all the competing interests/deadlines. I have repeatedly told my boss that this is not manageable (largely because of the mess the newest department is in - the other two were disasters when I took them over as well, but they are in great shape now and I have reduced their deficits across the board. That's why I was given the new department as well.) and that I need more assistance. I have been repeatedly told in return that there is no funding for an assistant business manager, or even another financial coordinator.

I am used to achieving at a high level. I put a lot into my work, I work hard and I want my work to reflect my high standards. So it's really hard to be in an untenable situation and not producing work at the level I know I am capable of and not feeling that I am serving my departments well. I'm already dealing with a lot of guilt that my therapist says I shouldn't have because of this situation. Throw in that I now feel like I'm working less than everyone else and it's hard to leave at the end of the day.

I don't have a choice though, because my daughter is more important than my job. But I have a lot of guilt over leaving her to go to a job I despise. And I have a lot of guilt over how much my husband does around the house already, and believe me, we are nowhere near Martha Stewart photo shoots. As it is, I feel good if our house is only messy and not ready to shoot for an episode of Hoarders. But I feel guilty for that too.

Obviously, I feel guilty over a lot. It's not as easy as prioritization or planning ahead. I can do better with time management (but I mean, really, I've been a working mother for less than a month). But that doesn't make the struggle easier or help me adjust or teach me how to let go of the guilt. Which is why I pay my therapist, I suppose.

catsinawindow · July 2012

You know, I both agree and disagree with this. What you wrote, as advice, is sound. IMO, some things do absolutely need to get let go. And that's not a bad thing. I'll happily say that I let some things go. But I know what I consider a priority, and I am making my priorities work.

On the other hand, I think it's alright to say you feel overwhelmed sometimes. I don't think this is specific to working moms, SAHMs feel overwhelmed sometimes as well, but for different reasons. I think pretending that no one ever feels overwhelmed and stating that if they are "they're doing it wrong" is a disservice to people who feel this way. It dismisses their very valid feelings.

Really, IMO, the best we could do is stop judging those who set different priorities than we do.

itsmevkb · July 2012

tosababy:

This is very simplistic. There is a big difference between someone stressing herself out over everything being perfect in her home and difficult choices about family (including extended family) celebrations and obligations, work expectations/limitations, the practice of faith, if applicable, the sincere desire to do volunteer work, especially if it involves her children, and parenting and providing opportunities and fun activities with the kids.

You say cut and don't waste time feeling guilty, but it's hard to cut things you value and, if you do, you'll likely feel guilty. This is something women can work on, and we should take the time to assess our situation in light of our goals and values, but you can't just start lopping off things that people care about without it hurting.

I agree with the original post but also with this reply.

I am pretty lax when it comes to things like not having a spic 'n span house because I realize that isn't how I most want to spend my time. However, as my children get older I realize how difficult it is going to be moving forward to make choices regarding what our kids get and don't get to do. Realistically, we can't just let all four of them participate in everything that interests them in the same way that a family with one child might be able to and also, realistically, dh and I can't participate in as many things as we might have chosen to had we remained childless or had less children. I'm not complaining about our situation, I'm just saying that despite understanding the reality it's not going to make some of my choices easier and I might just feel guilty at a few points along the way.

aglenn · July 2012

Wildlandwife:

laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

This makes me a little sad, and I think this thread took a weird turn. I don't think the OP meant that it is impossible to be a working mom without everything else in your life going to sh*t, or that you need to seek therapy if you try to keep your head above water. I think she just meant that we all need to give ourselves a break from time to time and appreciate all that we ARE doing.

I don't have 2u2 but I have 2u3 and a husband who travels a lot...and I'll be honest, it is kicking my butt. You are not alone!

Wildlandwife · July 2012

aglenn:
Wildlandwife:

laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

This makes me a little sad, and I think this thread took a weird turn. I don't think the OP meant that it is impossible to be a working mom without everything else in your life going to sh*t, or that you need to seek therapy if you try to keep your head above water. I think she just meant that we all need to give ourselves a break from time to time and appreciate all that we ARE doing.

I don't have 2u2 but I have 2u3 and a husband who travels a lot...and I'll be honest, it is kicking my butt. You are not alone!

Thank you. I may be overly sensitive right now because my life is constant chaos and it's all so new to me - then you add in work and a husband who works 48 hour shifts...I feel like I can't keep anything together. I feel that I'm barely keeping my head above water. But I do take it one day at a time and tell myself tomorrow is a new day I may have just taken what OP and read into it too much.

easjer05 · July 2012

Wildlandwife:
aglenn:
Wildlandwife:

laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

This makes me a little sad, and I think this thread took a weird turn. I don't think the OP meant that it is impossible to be a working mom without everything else in your life going to sh*t, or that you need to seek therapy if you try to keep your head above water. I think she just meant that we all need to give ourselves a break from time to time and appreciate all that we ARE doing.

I don't have 2u2 but I have 2u3 and a husband who travels a lot...and I'll be honest, it is kicking my butt. You are not alone!

Thank you. I may be overly sensitive right now because my life is constant chaos and it's all so new to me - then you add in work and a husband who works 48 hour shifts...I feel like I can't keep anything together. I feel that I'm barely keeping my head above water. But I do take it one day at a time and tell myself tomorrow is a new day I may have just taken what OP and read into it too much.

I'd ask anyway, because the range of answers you get may help give you ideas or advice. But I'm right there with you. Work is a disaster and trying to create/find that work/like balance is hard.

MammaBear81 · July 2012

Wildlandwife:
laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

Not sure if you post much on 2 under 2 but I just posted my schedule (titled "mamabear", someone requested I share) along with things that help me out. I don't think that you will get flamed for asking advice, people get flamed when they whine and complain, it's all about how you say it!

Wildlandwife · July 2012

MammaBear81:
Wildlandwife:

laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

Not sure if you post much on 2 under 2 but I just posted my schedule (titled "mamabear", someone requested I share) along with things that help me out. I don't think that you will get flamed for asking advice, people get flamed when they whine and complain, it's all about how you say it!

I lurk A LOT over there. I'll go check it out. Thank you!

honkytonk_kid · July 2012

mbenit4:
KathrynMD:

you're one of the best examples of what I'm trying to say - I am CONSTANTLY amazed by how much you say you do and how organized you are, but you almost never complain about not getting to everything or not being able to clean your house and how you are so stressed out about it. You obviously place a very high value on certain things (clean house, meal prep, etc.) so you work to make it happen - and go you! I'm sure there are things you let go b/c you don't value them as highly and you're not stressed about it either. Does that make sense - you focus on the things you care about and then let the rest of it go.

First of, I don't just go around and say how much I do or that I am all organized. I reply to posts when asked. Does everything go as planned? No. You just keep moving. Why complain? Complaining does nothing. At the end of complaining you still have the same problem.

I do place a high value on certain things. My children come first. I had a very horrible childhood that I don't need to go into. So yes, cooking for my kids is something that is important to me. Maybe because it was rarely done for me as a child. While we may not have a lot or the best, I believe you take care of what you have. So if that means cleaning up 30 min a night after the children are in bed, so be it.

I feel on a board for Working Women you saying you "can't" is wrong. It is a negative. It can be done. There are a lot of different options (planning, hiring out, etc) that you can get there but you can get there. This should be a place for support and motivation. Not always so down on what we cannot do because we work. We should focus on what we CAN do.

I also don't appreciate the implication that I let anything go. You don't walk in my shoes. Your tone is very condescending.

Whoa there... she paid you a compliment.

Jelliebean1982 · July 2012

Wildlandwife:
laurakaz13:
This should be required reading to post on this board!

And I was going to ask you ladies for some advice because I'm honestly struggling with a lot of things right now. But I'm not going to because I can't handle getting flamed. I'm not a have to have it all done and I'm always walking out the door tripping over something and what not. But I'm glad I read this post before asking.

It's sad to me because honestly, I look up to the working moms who can handle it all and in similar shoes as myself.

ETA: For me it's not about the house, the cleaning and what not - it's the support from other moms and how they manage. Maybe I'm in a bit of a different situation because I've got 2u2 and it's hard as hell now?

::steps off soapbox::

It will get better. You have two babies. What you are going through right now is the hardest part. Take it easy on yourself! You have a LOT on your plate. It's ok to admit that it is hard or to just need a break or some sleep.

stdldb29 · July 2012

mbenit4:
KathrynMD:

Take control of your time and your life, figure out where to cut corners, realize there are only 24 hours in a day and you can't work a full time job and be gone 8-10 hours a day and try to keep a home like you're June Cleaver/Martha Stewart and get a decent nights sleep and enjoy your kids and enjoy your life.

As I stated in my "do it all" post. It starts with your priorities. Everyone is different and every family has different priorities. You do what is important to you.

I am able to enjoy my children, sleep, keep my home up, and work full time. It can be done. I think it is unfair to say it cannot. Is our home ready for a Better Homes and Garden photo shoot? No. Martha would probably have some tips for me. However, our home is clean. It takes very minimal effort when you have a plan and two people committed to getting it done.

It is an unfair assumption that the women who say you can get it done are either lying or under some extreme pressure. That is just not the case. My SO and I are a team. This was communicated and discussed way before we added baby #2.

I think our lives must be similar. Our home is put together, clean, kids are clean, clothes are clean, good food on the table--and we enjoy our selves on the weekend and during the evenings during the week. My DH and I have a pretty good partnership when it comes to the family/household--we will have a new challenge now that DS starts school and will have homework-but I know that it will be a solution we can find together.

erbear · July 2012

being a working mom was a lot easier with only one kid. I agree in principle, but the second kid really threw a wrench in there for me.

I don't give a sh!t if my house is clean but I'm not going to not give my best to my job or to my kids.

Spenjamins · July 2012

honkytonk_kid:
mbenit4:
KathrynMD:

you're one of the best examples of what I'm trying to say - I am CONSTANTLY amazed by how much you say you do and how organized you are, but you almost never complain about not getting to everything or not being able to clean your house and how you are so stressed out about it. You obviously place a very high value on certain things (clean house, meal prep, etc.) so you work to make it happen - and go you! I'm sure there are things you let go b/c you don't value them as highly and you're not stressed about it either. Does that make sense - you focus on the things you care about and then let the rest of it go.

First of, I don't just go around and say how much I do or that I am all organized. I reply to posts when asked. Does everything go as planned? No. You just keep moving. Why complain? Complaining does nothing. At the end of complaining you still have the same problem.

I do place a high value on certain things. My children come first. I had a very horrible childhood that I don't need to go into. So yes, cooking for my kids is something that is important to me. Maybe because it was rarely done for me as a child. While we may not have a lot or the best, I believe you take care of what you have. So if that means cleaning up 30 min a night after the children are in bed, so be it.

I feel on a board for Working Women you saying you "can't" is wrong. It is a negative. It can be done. There are a lot of different options (planning, hiring out, etc) that you can get there but you can get there. This should be a place for support and motivation. Not always so down on what we cannot do because we work. We should focus on what we CAN do.

I also don't appreciate the implication that I let anything go. You don't walk in my shoes. Your tone is very condescending.
Whoa there... she paid you a compliment.

Seriously.

Spenjamins · July 2012

Yep, life can be busy and difficult at times. If a lot of women on this board would just shake off the working mom guilt they would have more time and energy to get stuff done.

DH and I work full time, we contribute equally to making our family happy, healthy, financially sound...kids are not starving, are nurtured, and we have time to spend with them.

Somehow, it all gets done. Why live your life stressing about giving your kids a home-cooked meal every night? Simplify some things. Make life less complicated!