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EgoCommaAlter
member
Kids' b-day etiquette...with a side of weird family dynamics
EgoCommaAlter
member
in Baby Showers
DH's godson (also a relative of his) turns 8 in a few weeks. I asked his mom for some gift ideas, she told me his "big" thing that he wanted, which I can get for around what we planned to spend.
Here is my hesitation: It's been a major struggle to draw boundaries with this kid and his little bro over the past year. The two of them are very, very attached to me and my husband (to the point where they ignore their parents and look to us to do the things you'd normally expect a parent to do). Which, not only is it inappropriate but we have two small children and our hands are full. My "we have to do something" last straw came a few weeks ago; a few hours after I gave birth the kids had a blowup over my refusal to take them to the hospital playground. They didn't even think to ask their parents, who just left the situation to me and my husband to handle. It's not the kids' fault, but expectations need to shift.
I am concerned that if the "big" thing he wants comes from us, it will just cement their expectations more. Without going into details, I think a lot of the kids' problems stem from the fact that so many people in their extended family have massively overstepped boundaries to assert themselves as alpha/top boss in place of the kids' parents.
Is there a way to get the kid the gift without him realizing we got it? Is it totally degrading to just give his mom the $$ and say "please get Junior the toy and say it's from you"? Or just let this time go and tackle the boundaries issue later? Since his parents are going through extreme financial hardship, they don't have extra $$ for gifts. The situation has taken a HUGE toll on this poor kid, and I feel a nice birthday would do him world of good.
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Re: Kids' b-day etiquette...with a side of weird family dynamics
I would give the money to the parents and just say the gift is from them. It is my experience that kids just turning 8 years old don't put a "price" on gifts. They just know it is something they REALLY wanted. I think that would be a big issue...that you are getting him the gift he really wants rather than his parents. You can get him something smaller. Obviously if you can't afford to give $$ to the parents and get him another gift it might be a good idea to take the money you were going to spend and buy a smaller gift and give the remainder to the parents. Hopefully they can come up with the rest of the money needed to buy the gift.
"big" = the one he begs for the most. it's less than $20. its what we normally spend on other peoples kids b day gifts anyway, but sadly, likely outside his parents' budget.
This is a tough one and a difficult position for you to be in. I admire that you are trying to do the right thing in balancing being there for a child who sounds like he needs some stable adult figures in his life with also trying to make it clear who the authority figures are in his life.
My immediate reaction is not to give the $$ to his mom out of concern of making them feel bad or inadequate in some way, but I would probably get the kid the gift knowing what his circumstances are (although I am with the PP about "lists" for presents. My niece gets an insane number of presents for her birthday and Christmas so I'm always a little put off by her mom telling us ahead of time what to get her.)
Separate from his birthday, I would probably try to find a way to explain your concerns to his parents and let them know that in the future, if their kids come to you for things or for permissions they should be getting from their parents that you are going to start setting that boundary and really need for them to back you on it. And, if the mother just doesn't understand this issue becuase of her background, offer to be there to help her figure out what to do if she doesn't quite know how to "parent" in a particular situation. We could all use help like that from time to time and all need another mom to bounce things off of.
You are off-base, though it's not your fault. We weren't really a part of their lives until a year ago, due to living out of state/country. By the time we moved here, we already had our first child and were focused on him. The kids are not coming to us for ice cream cones and video arcade money, they're coming to us for "can I sleep in your house, in your bed", and "I skinned my knee, I want you to clean it up not my mom", etc. Or if their mom tells them, "eat your vegetables", they won't, but when I say "eat your vegetables" 2 seconds later, they do.
We let family and friends visit the recovery room about 6 hours after I'd rested up from giving birth (ugh, next time there will be a longer wait). It wasn't immediately after I gave birth; the kids and their parents weren't the first visitors.
Gotcha. Glad you didn't take offense, just trying to offer a perspective. Sometimes it is hard to fully grasp these situations from just a brief description. Good luck to you!
All of this.
I was just about to suggest a gift card. My oldest is almost 7 and he LOVES getting gift cards, so he can go pick out whatever he wants.
As for the rest, do the boys parents not pay much attention to them or something? They could just be liking that you respond to them. My nephew is like this with me and my DH when we are around, because his parents aren`t the most attentive.
I was just about to suggest a gift card. My oldest is almost 7 and he LOVES getting gift cards, so he can go pick out whatever he wants.
As for the rest, do the boys parents not pay much attention to them or something? They could just be liking that you respond to them. My nephew is like this with me and my DH when we are around, because his parents aren`t the most attentive.
I was also going to suggest a gift card or money. My neice and nephews love going to pick out their own stuff, and they're all in the ages of 8-14.