Brought our baby home!

jenbabe · July 2012

Spent 5 days in the hospital with birthmom and birthdad and brought our new son home today. He is so precious and sweet, I loved him before he got here but I love him even more now. But I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. In fact, I cried all the way home and still cry everytime I think about his birthmom. She loves him so much but was so strong and sure of her decision to place. I was never worried she wouldn't sign over her rights. But I love her too and I'm sad that I drove away with her baby even though its what we all wanted. I never expected to be this sad. We will see her again in three weeks but my heart is still breaking for her. I already texted her to say we got home safely and I told her I cried all the way home and that if its this hard for me it must be so much harder for her. But I don't know what to do to help her. Will lots of pictures and updates help or make it hurt more? Should I give her space or a lot of contact? Please tell me this will get easier...

smash_effect · July 2012

Congratulations on your new son!!! I, too, was shocked how much I mourned for our son's birth mom. I don't think there is honestly anything you can do to ease her pain. I would encourage you to honor whatever arrangement you made (for us, the first 6 months we saw her monthly--which was hard on us with a high needs kiddo--but we wanted to honor our arrangement).

Enjoy mommyhood!

srmmm09 · July 2012

Hey! As a birthmom, who (it sounds like) was in a pretty similar head space at placement, I'd say it wouldn't hurt to ask. As she misses LO, offer to send her pics and updates, but say no pressure either way. That way, if she needs a little reminder that LO's doing well with his fam, she can have it. But if she needs space, she can have that too.

If it helps you have an idea (not that you could suggest she do this), but I brought dinner over to LO's family around 2 weeks after he was born. That way, we got to see him and they got a meal. And I kind of got to assist them parent him. Weird? I dunno. We had a good time.

srmmm09 · July 2012

Congratulations, btw! And, at least for BM, it does get better. I hope the grief will fully resolve at some point (going through the adoption process from the AP perspective this time has brought it up more), but I don't have sadness or even wishes. I know LO is where he should be, and I'm happy for all of us. Adoption FTW! Big Smile

steph196 · July 2012

Congratulations! I completely understand the feeling. Leaving the hospital was a very bittersweet experience. I was so happy to have DD, but so sad for her amazing BM. BM told me that she wanted me to text her the photos I took in the hospital as well as others once we got home. I was planning to give her some space for the first couple of days, but she was texting me and asking for photos. I told her to let me know if the photos become too much for her. She ended up coming over to visit the 3rd day we came home, which was very helpful for her emotionally. It will get easier for both of you. I get really emotional whenever I see something on TV about BMs because I am reminded of the amazing decision she made for her daughter.

raecheleblue1 · July 2012

Congratulations on bringing home your sweet LO! I'm sorry you are feeling so sad, and I can imagine it's hard. We are still in the waiting stage so I cannot offer any advice, but I can offer ((hugs)). Hope each day gets a little easier.

crene84 · July 2012

Given that I'm just in the home study phase of this process, it's so hard to imagine having those emotions. I would imagine I'd be nothing but overjoyed to take my baby home, but it's good to see your post and other's comments to prepare me for things I wouldn't expect. Our SW did warn us during our first home visit, though, that there is a such thing as "Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome." I'm not sure if that's part of what you're dealing with, but I think a lot of people contribute that with hormonal changes from pregnancy, but there is more to it than that. I hope you feel better soon and can enjoy being a new mother!

crene84 · July 2012

This article is pretty interesting and it mentions exactly what you're feeling -- feeling sad for the BM.

https://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html

jackieo1309 · July 2012

Congratulations on your LO!! I can't really offer any word of advice since we aren't at that stage yet, but I hope things get better. If you can ask her what would be most helpful to her (a visit, photos and updates, no contact for a few weeks, etc.) and go with that, then at least you'll know that you're doing everything you can to help her through this. I'm sure it will get better as more time passes. {{HUGS}}

lady_chance_99 · July 2012

jackieo1309:
Congratulations on your LO!! I can't really offer any word of advice since we aren't at that stage yet, but I hope things get better. If you can ask her what would be most helpful to her (a visit, photos and updates, no contact for a few weeks, etc.) and go with that, then at least you'll know that you're doing everything you can to help her through this. I'm sure it will get better as more time passes. {{HUGS}}

THIS!!! And of course and extra dose of hugs for you and all the emotions you are going through right now.

DaisyZH · July 2012

Congratulations on your new baby! I have been following your blog and praying for you, I'm so glad that everything went as well as it did. I'm sorry you're having a tough time, I haven't been through this experience yet, but I can understand that it must be so hard to leave the birthmother, especially after you became close. (( Hugs ))

Ginny0211 · July 2012

srmmm09:

Hey! As a birthmom, who (it sounds like) was in a pretty similar head space at placement, I'd say it wouldn't hurt to ask. As she misses LO, offer to send her pics and updates, but say no pressure either way. That way, if she needs a little reminder that LO's doing well with his fam, she can have it. But if she needs space, she can have that too.

Ditto. She might be afraid of asking for more pics or updates or she may need the space. You will never know if you don't ask.

I placed my birthson about a decade ago and I still am hesitant everytime I ask for a visit or updates. Even though they say they are happy to visit and they say they want the openess and they love that we are apart of his life, I'm always afraid if I'm asking too much or not keeping in touch enough.

For me personally, the pictures, updates and visits around the time of placement really helped me. It solidified it for me in my head that they are his family and it helped to see him happy, content and so loved. Plus I loved seeing pics of those adorable chubby cheeks

IRR · July 2012

Congrats on bringing your son home. I was all weepy right after meeting our BM. I can't imagine what it will be like once the baby is born. I am sure at some point you will be too busy to be sad and only happy to provide updates.

elissaann26 · July 2012

Congrats on bringing home your little boy! I think it speaks immensely about your character that you are grieving for BM. I also agree with PP's to just ask her what would be best for her. Hang in there and enjoy your snuggles!

jenbabe · July 2012

Thank you all for your responses, today I'm loving having baby J home. I'm not really feeling depressed but I still cry when I think of bmom. I haven't contacted her yet today but I think I will email her later about our visit in three weeks and tell her what hotel we will be at. We have a wedding in their city and she wants to stay at the same hotel and I said they could have J overnight if they wanted (then I can sleep). I never thought I would trust them that much but after this weekend I do. Maybe it will help her to stay focused on our upcoming meeting. I was thinking that if she has a really hard time waiting until then I would suggest we meet somewhere halfway for a short visit sooner.

ellekae · July 2012

Congrats on having your son home with you! I have no advice, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you guys, little J, and his bio mom.

francophonia · July 2012

Taking DD was hard for us too. Usually I'm the crier, but actually it was Tamsin who cried the most. We really like BM, she's a great kid and very intelligent, she just made some bad decisions. She loved DD so much, and she couldn't conceal that pain inside. It's completely heartbreaking to watch.

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