DH vent.[kinda long]

lawjjg522 · July 2012

This is just me venting about Josh.... I just need to get it off my chest, and I think someone out there maybe able to relate.. But it may be long, so dont feel obligated!

Last night, I made a comment to DH that he never pets my head, scratches my back, etc any more, and that it makes me sad. I asked why he doesnt do it any more, why i have to ask a lot, and eventually it turns into an issue (because on some level he thinks its funny for me to beg, but then i get annoyed and cry and then we fight. This doesnt happen often, and I know it sounds terrible.) He shrugged and said I dunno.

Well to day when he came from work he told me that he thought about it and knows why he doesnt do anything like that for me. He went into Love languages. mine is touch, his is acts of service. I'm not doing things around the house (garbage, dishes, folding laundry, forgetting to put something away) as much as I was and so it's sitting for him to do/ or he has to remind me. And so because I've been doing less things to show love in his language he has been doing less in mine.

I pointed out, that he has been acting this way since before the pregnancy, which he didn't think was true. And then I told him how I feel. That I dont have energy... I don't sleep. I can barley wake up some mornings for work. Standing for long period of times makes me feel nauseous/ dizzy. I ask him to do things because i dont have the energy and it doesnt get done. I am working 40 hrs a week, and yes, my job isn't as taxing as his job but combined with the above (oh, and growing his child) some times I dont have the energy. And pregnancy brain is true. I forget a lot of things. (he says I didnt have a good memory before so this doesnt count.)

We agreed that some things we both need to work out-- do it when we see it rather then the whole college roommate thing(Your mess your problem) But then he said "Well if your feeling crappy, how do 2nd time moms do it?" I don't know. I'm not a second time mom. Maybe it's easier b/c they know what their doing. Maybe it's worse. Every woman, baby, pregnancy is different. I dont know if that's a fair question. And then.. " Well. if you are feeling this way, we need to find away to treat the symptoms. Supplements, or maybe the dr needs to do some tests."

Maybe I'm being a baby. Maybe if I do more I'll start feeling better. But I've been trying to do more and I dont feel better. I dont want to take a sleep aid because 1. I want to take as few meds as possible 2. I dont want to rely on it to sleep for the next 5 months 3. I'm afraid taking it i'll REALLY not wake up for work.

Thanks for listening/reading.. I appreciate it.

rmaxim · July 2012

I think he needs a little reality check about what it's like to be a husband to a pregnant woman! Unfortunately my husband does a lot of the same things - making obnoxious or insensitive comments about me not getting things done etc, how dirty the house is... with the first pregnancy it was all very new and he had no idea what to expect. Now on our second, he seems a lot more understanding - he saw me go "back to normal" after awhile, and now I think he recognizes that this is temporary.

So short of having a friend who's an experienced father talk some sense into him, I would say that you should be honest and remind (you might need to do it regularly) him that you are not feeling yourself, show appreciation for everything he DOES do, and tell him how much it means to you to have him show affection.

And a good way to get him to do it to you, is to do it to him. I know this is tough and I wish you all the best!

perfectlove09 · July 2012

I don't have any advice but I do want to say that's it's a good sign that he came back and told you why he isn't treating you the same. Some men NEVER open up and it's annoying as hell. At least you know what's wrong and you seem to have good communitcation.

As for what to do about it? Keep reminding him that you ate pregnant and are tired. And if all else fails I beg you to have him ask your dic at your next appointment if there is a "supplement" to help you clean more ,... And then please come back and tell us what the doctor says. I'd love to be a fly on that wall and I bet he will snap out of it after that...

perfectlove09 · July 2012

perfectlove09:
I don't have any advice but I do want to say that's it's a good sign that he came back and told you why he isn't treating you the same. Some men NEVER open up and it's annoying as hell. At least you know what's wrong and you seem to have good communitcation.
As for what to do about it? Keep reminding him that you ate pregnant and are tired. And if all else fails I beg you to have him ask your dic at your next appointment if there is a "supplement" to help you clean more ,... And then please come back and tell us what the doctor says. I'd love to be a fly on that wall and I bet he will snap out of it after that...

Good lord!!! I'm so sorry. I'm on my iPhone and didnt notice the typos. And the bump won't let me edit. "remind him that you ARE pregnant (not ATE pregnant)" and for goodness sake have him ask your DOC not your DIC.

Lol I'm sorry.

doadance · July 2012

I can totally relate! My DH's love language is touch, mine is a combo but mostly verbal acknowledgement. In any case, DH wants me to literally constantly be scratching/rubbing him etc... and sometimes I just want to lay there... I'm beat, I have 3 kids, I'm preggo, I work p/t (and yes, my job is not as physically taxing as his) and when I get home I'm flippen tired!!!

Try to remind yourself it's his first pregnancy too and he has no idea what is "normal" or not... be patient. (this is my 4th but hubby's 1st). Have him come with you to the Doc and ASK the Dr if your symptoms are normal, make sure it's not in a "I-told-you-so" manner, but purely curious. That way when the Dr chalks it up to normal pregnancy symptoms your DH will hear it first hand. (my DH has that "well maybe there is something wrong if you are tired all the time/ have headaches all the time" attitude too, often times he asks "why are YOU so tired??" uh... cuz I'm growing a human baby in my body.... that's why!!)

And yes, your symptoms are normal for any pregnancy, mild if you ask me! As for how do 2nd/3rd/etc time mom's do it?? We just do, that's how. There is no alternative, no "days off" or "time outs" so you just do it, and you would be surprised how much you can handle as a woman when you have to! (I learned this about myself both emotionally and physically when I went through basic training for the army)

Remember you can only fix yourself and your actions. And men usually respond to praise like kids (and I hate to say it, dogs) do... so do the things he is asking or at least show an effort to do more than you are now. (But please make sure not to over do it!) Remind yourself it's okay not to be perfect. And also, if both partners are focused on how they can better love the other, then obviously the math says you will be better loved yourself.

eli_belle · July 2012

So, as someone on the other side of the same love language mismatch (my love language is service and his is touch), I can understand I bit of where he is coming from. I have to constantly remind myself to touch my DH. It is not intuitive to me and not a natural way that I show affection. This does not mean that I do not love my husband, I just have to work at showing it in a way that he understands.

That being said, withholding affection because love is not being expressed in the way you want it to be expressed seems pretty childish and petty. Especially given that your energy levels while pregnant hinder your "enthusiasm" for housework. Pregnancy is not something you can "fix" with a supplement. And you might remind him he is just as responsible for your current state as you are.

jenyjeny · July 2012

He can psycho-analyze the 'languages of love' to bits - but that is not the language that made you fall in love. I'm guessing you didn't show up at his dorm room and start cleaning and that's why he loves you LOL.

Is this your first child/pregnancy?

I ask because, I had a similar blowout with DH when I was first preggo with my daughter. He didn't get that I was way to exhausted to even consider what's for dinner, where clean clothes were etc. I was just awake enough to barely get through the day. Everything is new, everything is weird... and you need support.

One thing that really helped us, was trying to plan little dates - even lame ones, like 'ok, on Friday night, we're ordering chinese and watching this movie'. And then while we were watching the movie, I would get him to rub my back etc.

There's also a really funny dad pregnancy book written by men, that i eventually got DH to read (took some arm twisting), but it says stuff from a guys perspective - like why they don't "get" what the big deal is until they feel the baby, or hold the baby, and why that isn't wrong but why they still need to ham it up for their wife.

It kind of pokes fun and pregnant women but in a "oh i finally get why she lost her marbles" kind of way

kerribear1717 · July 2012

Great responses and advice so far! If DH thinks things aren't getting done now just wait until the baby comes. And with my toddler I still feel like chores are impossible.

What helps for DH and I is pretty much having set chores. DH mows the lawn, takes care of the garbage, I do most of the cooking and laundry. Things like that and if you write it down (we do it on a white board hanging up) we just cross stuff off the list we need to do that week. And yes, in my house things pile up and often don't get done for a while.

doadance · July 2012

jenyjeny:
He can psycho-analyze the 'languages of love' to bits - but that is not the language that made you fall in love. I'm guessing you didn't show up at his dorm room and start cleaning and that's why he loves you LOL.
Is this your first child/pregnancy?
I ask because, I had a similar blowout with DH when I was first preggo with my daughter. He didn't get that I was way to exhausted to even consider what's for dinner, where clean clothes were etc. I was just awake enough to barely get through the day. Everything is new, everything is weird... and you need support.
One thing that really helped us, was trying to plan little dates - even lame ones, like 'ok, on Friday night, we're ordering chinese and watching this movie'. And then while we were watching the movie, I would get him to rub my back etc.
There's also a really funny dad pregnancy book written by men, that i eventually got DH to read (took some arm twisting), but it says stuff from a guys perspective - like why they don't "get" what the big deal is until they feel the baby, or hold the baby, and why that isn't wrong but why they still need to ham it up for their wife.
It kind of pokes fun and pregnant women but in a "oh i finally get why she lost her marbles" kind of way

What's the book????

laura1 · July 2012

Maybe you and your DH need to sit down and figure out what you think you can get done and what you think you need him to do. Remind him that it is only just beginning - once the baby comes, you are going to be exhausted and trying to figure out how to take care of a newborn - the house may not be your #1 priority. You will work it out, but it might take a while.

After MANY, MANY discussions like these (and they are ongoing, I just don't let them bother me any longer), we have a bit of a system going. I do the majority of child care (DH works full time normal hours type of job, and I work part time nights and weekends - 28hours a week), dishes, grocery shopping, Target shopping, meals for the kids, most of the daily cleaning/straightening up (this is not a ton of cleaning - just wiping down kitchen surfaces, moving toys back in to the playroom, straightening up the living room at the end of the day), and most of the laundry. DH does the outdoor things - mowing the lawn, and garbage (we have to take our stuff to the dump), occasional laundry, often does kids bedtime when he gets home, and helps with or cooks dinner. We have a cleaning person come 2 times a month and we both "clean up" the night before she comes.

DH will often make comments about the condition of the house when he gets home - but when I work on a weekend and he is with the kids all day, he remembers what it is like! Now that I am pg, I am probably not as productive as I was, but I try to do the basics every day.

Ab42187 · July 2012

doadance:
jenyjeny:
He can psycho-analyze the 'languages of love' to bits - but that is not the language that made you fall in love. I'm guessing you didn't show up at his dorm room and start cleaning and that's why he loves you LOL.
Is this your first child/pregnancy?
I ask because, I had a similar blowout with DH when I was first preggo with my daughter. He didn't get that I was way to exhausted to even consider what's for dinner, where clean clothes were etc. I was just awake enough to barely get through the day. Everything is new, everything is weird... and you need support.
One thing that really helped us, was trying to plan little dates - even lame ones, like 'ok, on Friday night, we're ordering chinese and watching this movie'. And then while we were watching the movie, I would get him to rub my back etc.
There's also a really funny dad pregnancy book written by men, that i eventually got DH to read (took some arm twisting), but it says stuff from a guys perspective - like why they don't "get" what the big deal is until they feel the baby, or hold the baby, and why that isn't wrong but why they still need to ham it up for their wife.
It kind of pokes fun and pregnant women but in a "oh i finally get why she lost her marbles" kind of way
What's the book????

I don't know, which books the OP used but my hubby really liked reading "So You're Going to be a Dad." He thought it was funny and very informative from a males perspective.

lawjjg522 · July 2012

Thanks for the advice and understanding ladies. We have an appointment in 2 weeks so i'll make sure he gets a list of questions together for the doctor. Hopefully that'll help.

itsmevkb · July 2012

Let him know that as a fourth time mom I do it WITH THE HELP OF MY HUSBAND. My husband not only works (as do I), but he does the majority of the housework right now and also the majority of the childcare for our three children. There are days when I get home from work where I literally eat dinner, which he has made, I wash the kids' dishes and then I go upstairs to bed while he cleans up the rest of dinner and plays with the kids before putting them all in bed. Maybe it's because this is my sixth pregnancy but he's accepted that while I'm pregnant he's going to have to step up and do more and then once the baby comes eventually it all evens itself out again. That is what partnerships are all about.

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