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September 2012 Moms
Major Blow Up w/ Husband over who to have in room....HELP!
At the beginning of our pregnancy, my husband made it very clear he didn't want ANYONE else in the room during the birth of our son. At that point it was so far away I didn't really want to fight about it so I let it go. Last night I mentioned to him I felt upset because he never even asked my opinion, if I wanted someone else in the room, like my mom...
He came at me like I was saying he somehow isn't enough, and if I want someone else in the room he'll just wait in the waiting room, etc...
That is in NO way how I feel. I am just scared. This is my first baby and I scared out of my mind. Sometimes the bond you have with a mom might be what you need.
Ugh... I don't know what to do. Now I'm in a terrible place, I don't want him to feel that way, but I also think my feelings should be considered....afterall, I'm the one pushing a watermelon out. 
HAS ANNNNNNYONE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEIR PARTNERS NOT WANTING ANYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM?
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Re: Major Blow Up w/ Husband over who to have in room....HELP!
What??? No offense but it sounds like he's having a temper tantrum (I'm taking my ball and I'm going home!!)
My DH was kind of the same until we went to childbirth class and he realized how much work it can be for the "coach." Especially when things are getting painful and you want/need his full attention. Also, labor can be long, so maybe explain to him that it might be nice to have somewhere else there so he can take a break, get some food, etc.
I'm not saying he's right, but I kinda get where these men who think like this are coming from. Especially since this is your first baby (mine too) I think they feel like it's something they don't want to share because its a once in a lifetime moment. Or they feel like they are all you should need.
As for us, were still up in the air about who's going to be there. Luckily both of our families live very close to the hospital, so I think we'll just have someone "on call" if we decide to invite someone else in.
Good luck honey! Hope you two can come to a decision you're both happy with.
I completely agree!!! I want it to be about us too, his feelings mean more to me than anything...I just felt as if he didn't care about my feelings.
wait till he calms down then talk to him again and explain what you meant, it may have come out wrong who knows
DF and i decided we wanted it to be just us BUT i told him if i ask for my sister (she is closest to me) then i want her there and he agreed, but im not planning on her being in there but who knows how i'll feel when the time comes.
This, but I would talk to him about why he feels the way he does.
My DH was not too thrilled when I brought up having a doula. I was really offended at first because I thought he was trying to tell me what I did or didn't need in labor. I was terrified of being the crazy laboring woman who yells and cusses at her husband. I wanted to do everything I could to prevent that from happening, so having a doula made sense to me since we're going to a birth center where we won't have access to many pain meds. She is helping us practice different techniques and is preparing us for everything that should happen so when the time comes, he'll know what to do to help me.
Once he realized that I still wanted him to be my #1 during labor and delivery, he was much more comfortable with the idea. I initially thought he was being a controlling jerk, but it turns out he just wanted to be 'enough' for me and thought I was getting a doula to replace him instead of help him.
Hope that makes sense.
Emilia Antoinette
10.03.12 at 41w5d
You both have relevant wants and needs here, but (if it happened as you've described) he's handling it like a total DB.
Sit down when you're both calm and talk your feelings out. There's no right or wrong answer.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
I'm sorry!!!!
That's awful. Thankfully, my husband is letting my mom be in the room too. But once she comes out, my mom will step out of the room and let the 3 of us bond. Maybe that could be a compromise!
MH and I had the exact same conversation the other day. He said he was ok with my mom being in the room but wasn't sure if he wanted her there the entire time. I explained to him that I made a decision in my mind that I don't want my mom while I am pushing. I want that to be a "family" thing. Something that we can share together without my mom being there. But I told him he will need support too and having my mom in the room during the rest of labour will be really helpful for him. He took it with a lot of style and accepted what I want and recognized that I want us to have some personal time.
I changed my mind about having my mom in the room the entire time not only because I realized after classes that it will be an emotional/special time for us but I really want us to bond with our son. Having my mom there would be like being the third person on a date... uncomfortable and unneccessary.
this.
DH and i thankfully agree about who will/won't be in the room together, and that is presenting a united front to everyone else. when you two are on the the same page, it will click. but you both have to be calm and rational when laying things out, or else it will just turn into a fight.
I would say until he is the one giving birth you get to make those types of call. It should be something you talk about - but at the end of the day, you are patient and he is not. If you want your mom in the room... guess what.... you get your mom in the room.
Sounds to me that he has some self confidence issues and this is really his problem and not yours. Sorry if I come off too harsh.
GL!
At least he isn't pushing for his mother to be in the room. Sigh....
Sounds like you both need to talk it out when you're both calmed down. Tell him to quit being a DB.
Maybe try talking to him again and focus it differently (not you didn't ask my opinion, etc).
I told my DH that I wanted my mom there in part because he's going to be exhausted. He's going to want/need to go get snacks or whatever. He's going to need a break. And that's fine with me, but I'd feel more comfortable with someone there to support me when he needs that break. He was fine with that, in part, I think because it wasn't all "I want her there and I'm the one doing the work" but instead "I want her there because it will be helpful for the both of us." I think it actually took some pressure off him because he won't literally be the only one.
I don't know, but I kind of feel like maybe we aren't getting the whole story here. If he did just blow up at you when you calmly brought it up and explained how you feel, then yes, he's being an ass. But it almost sounds like maybe you weren't so calm and collected when bringing it up?
You guys need to hash this out in a calm manner; yes, I can see why he'd want it to be just you two, and I don't think your wants should be completely disregarded, either. I think pp have given you some good suggestions for compromise. GL!
We are opposite. We have agreed on just the 2 of us during delivery, but I kinda want it to be just the 2 of us during labor, and DH wants people to be able o come visit. I told him that we will see how we feel at the time. I have never been through this, and I don't know of I am goin to feel like having people coming and going. We let the parents know that we will call them when we are admitted, and let them know if we feel like visitors or not.
My partner didn't want anyone else in the room and I am glad I gave in and it was just us. Having a parent or anyone else there takes away from that special moment when you three become an official family for the first time. We enjoyed being the first ones to see our child born and the first to hold and bond with the baby without someone else there trying to butt in and hold the baby ASAP too.
I understand some women have strong bonds with their moms but keep in mind you didnt make the baby with your mom. The two of you created it, let the two of you enjoy bringing into the world before anyone else interferes. It is as much his child as yours, it is not as much anyone elses. I can see why he would be upset and before we had our DD I would have empathized with your side too. We are expecting #2 and plan to do it solo again.
If it is important for you to have someone else witness the birth, bring a camcorder and your mom or whoever can watch later.
Talk through it calmly with him and just try to remember your priorities and the hierarchy in your life which I assume is that you two are one team and you two come first to each other, then there is everyone else.
I agree with this. He needs to acknowledge your feelings and talk about it calmly instead of flying off the handle like that. Even if the sentiment behind it is sweet, the way he is dealing with it kinda blows that out of the water.
I think you should listen to and consider his feelings and concerns. That said, when push comes to shove, I think you have the right to have anyone who will help make you more comfortable in that room.
FWIW, my husband had the same insecurity about me wanting my mom in the room (feeling like he "wasn't enough"). He got over it. In the end, he was glad she was there.
HolY immature reaction, Batman! I hope he's able to conduct himself like an adult in other conversations/disagreements, or else you have a much bigger issue at hand. Is he willing to have a dr or nurse in the room? If so, they are part of your support team as well.
Im of the thought that during labor, when you are the one doing the work, you call the shots. After birth, you both call the shots.
What about having your additional support person there during labor, and then when they clean off/measure/etc the baby, your mom can slip out so you guys can have private family time.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
This. But it still warrants talking. Maybe you can explain your feelings to him and he can explain his reticence about having anyone else there in return. I'm very close to my mom, but there was no way I wanted anyone other than DH there with me. Just try to understand each other's opinions on this one. It's not worth a fight, but it can't be swept under the rug either.