Not my fault - birth story - REALLY long

breathlessbride · July 2012

I posted my birth story here about a year ago but I can't find it now, maybe the Bump did some cleaning up of old stuff. If you don't want the birth story, back story, skip to the end.

I'll try to make it short-ish: Had round ligament pain on and off the 14th, getting more regular by 10pm. Turns out, it was early labor, lol! Woke up at 2am with definite contractions. Managed to sleep between them til 3:30, woke up my husband. Things got tough, fast. They never got really timeable, and by 5am I was in the worst back pain. I called my sister to come over and then threw up, thought I wouldn't make it through the rest of the labor, basically all the transition symptoms that I didn't recognize because it was too soon to be in transition.

Spent over half an hour in morning rush hour traffic, bent over the birthing ball in the backseat with my sis behind me. She later told me she was waiting for my water to burst in her face!

There was a wheelchair waiting for me when we got to the hospital. We got up to the birthing center (inside the hospital but separate from L&D) and I got checked. I was at 7cm!

Here's where things got a little off track. I HATED the fetal monitoring. I about jumped off the bed every time they did it. I can't tell you why, except I just really needed to have nothing touching me. Even my clothes, lol.

My midwife was great, but unfortunately the assisting nurse "didn't usually" work in the birthing center, she was normally in L&D. And she never shut up. She didn't offer pain meds, but she talked the WHOLE time I was in the tub, saying how she'd never caught a baby in the water and she'd seen a water birth and they don't normally like first-timers to birth in the water...blah blah blah. My sis said later that she wanted to smack her.

The shower helped more than the tub, but I felt pushy not too long after I got in the tub. So they got me out and I was too weak and tired to squat (to get the last lip out of the way). So I ended up partially lying down. I must have pushed for two hours. I just couldn't figure out how to do it. And I was confused because the midwife said to hold my breathe and bear down, but we were told in birthing class to NOT "purple push." And the one time I looked up to my husband's eyes (which was amazing by the way, it felt like time actually stopped), she told me to tuck my head AND PUSH.

I finally remembered my kegels and used those to push and voila! For me, it was nothing like pooping. I mean really, they're totally different areas of muscle!

My daughter came out a little purple from being stuck in the birth canal so long. And she wasn't crying much. They normally do delayed clamping and skin to skin, but with her looking like that, I didn't get either. She was on my for less than a minute and my husband cut the cord, then they whisked her a few feet away to suction her.

I was told to push one more time for the placenta and I actually held back, asking if it would hurt. She said no, because the placenta has no bones, lol. So I did and then she asked if I wanted to see it. (I didn't, I was too nauseated.) My husband did, so she showed him.

The past two years, I've felt horribly guilty over this birth. I should have been strong enough to squat, I know how bad it is to lie down for birthing. No wonder she got stuck in there so long. I should have pushed better, maybe she wouldn't have come out purple.

Here's what I just found out a couple days ago. My husband never told me (he thought I would worry), but I bled a little too much after the placenta came out. I vaguely remember them pushing on my stomach and it hurt, but I didn't think about it, I was so worried about my girl...a few feet away from me and too far.

It wasn't my fault.

The nurse should never have been there, she was totally unhelpful. I think looking in my husband's eyes was amazing and that should not have been stopped. I think it was the midwife's responsibility to have me in positions that were more helpful than lying down. She KNEW about my knee issues before I ever went into labor. I still cry when I think about my girl not being on me after birth. Maybe it's not a big deal in the long run, but it was horrible for me to not be the first one to touch her and hold her.

Oh yea, that awful nurse wouldn't stop talking even after I gave birth. "What's her name? Oh, who has the cleft chin?" I was so out of it, I didn't even remember what a cleft chin was. I thought she meant cleft palate and I started to freak OUT til my sis stopped her and told me the baby was fine.

It was not my fault.

I've been living with this guilt for two years and it wasn't til my husband told me about the bleeding that I realized it.

(if skipping the birth story, start here) We worked so hard for a natural birth, saw the movie, read Ina May's book, took the natural childbirth class...I tried so hard that I thought everything was my responsibility. That if I just did everything right, then I would have the right birth. (I'm kind of a Type A, if you didn't realize.)

But it wasn't all my responsibility. I trusted my caregivers and they did let me down, in a way. I plan on discussing this in detail at my next yearly check up with the midwives.

I just needed to get this out to people who would understand. None of my friends would. They think because I got a natural birth, that's it. No reason to be upset. No biggie that I missed the first few minutes of my daughter's life that I wanted so badly.

Advice: have caregivers you trust. I know my midwife did her best, but we should have been on the same page. (purple pushing, etc) If you're having an issue with a nurse, get rid of her. Period.

Do the best you can, but admit that it's out of your hands. I'm a Christian, and it's sad to me that I was trying to control an experience that God totally created.

Best of luck to all the pregnant ladies out there. It will all work out

Jhontiel · July 2012

All of my fears summed up, lol. Thank you for such an encouraging story. I fear feeling guilt for the things that will go wrong and are out of my control. I fear feeling robbed should my birthing plan not go the way I want, even though I understand that I need to be able to be open to all of the possibilities...it's intimidating!! Your story is full of great advice. Thank you for sharing!

zaramarie81 · July 2012

Thanks for sharing! I think we can be so hard on ourselves. I am a FTM, and there are inevitably fears of what could happen and many unknowns. Fwiw, I think your birth sounds very successful especially considering the circumstances truly beyond your control.

julyjennifer · July 2012

Thanks for sharing your story. I understand feeling the loss of those first minutes of your baby's life, even though you had what many people desiring a natural birth would love to have. I had a med-free hospital birth with #1, and while it was great and I felt really good about the birth, there were things I wish had been different about just afterward. They "had" to cut my DD's cord right away and take her across the room to be evaluated due to the presence of meconium in the waters, I guess that's their standard policy. I didn't meet her until 5 minutes afterward. She got 9s on her Apgars and was completely fine. I mourned the loss of those first minutes, and even though part of me felt like "hey, some people have to be put under for an emergency cesearean and miss hours, I shouldn't be complaining," another part of me felt like "hey, this is my story and I get to feel how I feel."

I had a home birth with my 2nd and felt like that was a much better experience overall, more aligned with my wishes without me having to ask for it.

lauriedupuis · July 2012

Thanks for sharing. This is exactly why I've changed care providers 3 times during my pregnancy in an effort to find the 'right' ones that are 100% supportive and behind what I want. People think I"m crazy and don't understand the big deal, but when you are in labor you NEED someone who understands YOU. We can be strong women with all the prep in the world, but this is something that is much bigger than us. Not having to spend energy fighting for our basic birthing wishes or trying to remember everything we've learned is imperative to a positive birth experience.

Hyaline · July 2012

Thanks for your story. I really love your comments about control--I'm a Christian, too, and this really resonated with me. Might become a mantra for myself as I'm approaching my due date

LiebeMama · July 2012

Thank you for sharing

breathlessbride · July 2012

Awwww, you ladies are so sweet! I kinda wasn't sure how this would be received, but I feel so much better for getting it out.

I'm glad my story could help in a way. And I didn't even tell you about walking out to the car while having contractions and yelling, "I AM NOT HAVING CONTRACTIONS IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS!" Oh yeah, that was really important to me for some reason.

pepomntpat · July 2012

Thank you for sharing. I feel very similarly about my daughter's birth. It all just happened too fast and I shouldn't have had to be with it enough to remind everyone of what I wanted. I shouldn't have had to ask to keep my daughter with me in recovery. I shouldn't have had to fight with the night nurse from hell. It just shouldn't be that way. It is definitely not your fault. It just shouldn't be that hard. {hugs}

mAnYaSha · July 2012

I get it. I have my own collection of things I wish I could change about my birth experience with DS#1. But, as you said, you are not in control and sometimes we loose the sight of it. You did great. The rest are imperfections that make it human experience.

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Not my fault - birth story - REALLY long

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