Would any of you be so kind...transgender question
mollybloom
member
as to advise me. I know that there a few transgendered people on here and I was hoping for some advice.
A dear friend was born a Tracy, but has identified as a male for several years now. He goes by Trey. Trey has started taking hormones to transition, but is not sure if he is going to undergo surgery to remove breast tissue or genital reassignment. He is engaged to a wonderful woman that supports him fully.
Trey and I decided a long time ago to be 'Aunts' to each other's children. Well now that Tracy identifies as Trey, I think he should be Uncle Trey. DH doesn't give a fig one way or the other. However, I am worried about DD getting confused about calling him Uncle Trey while he still has a very female body and I don't want her making Trey feel weird if DD questions him (when she starts talking). My DH says that Trey likely wouldn't get offended about a toddler just asking honest toddler questions and that questions from a child are something that Trey will have to accept if he chooses not to fully transition.
What do you think? Uncle Trey because he is a male born in the wrong body? That is what I am leaning towards.
Before you ask if I have spoken to Trey about this, I have. He says that he would prefer Uncle Trey but would understand if I wanted to wait until DD is older before explaining that Aunt Trey is really an Uncle Trey.
Am I overthinking this? Will it be confusing for DD or do kids tend to go with the flow?
Re: Would any of you be so kind...transgender question
I think that should answer you question. If TREY want to be UNCLE then i say it UNCLE TREY ... Kids typically go with the flow unless they are influenced by others. Like when I am at the store and a KID says to her MOM ... MOMMY that Girl has boys clothes on - and the mom glares at me and pulls her child away .. instead of addressing the issue ... Or opposite ... Mom why does that man have his toes painted... this mom looked at me and said SOME men like to have toe nail polish... and then she smiled at me ... its the response form the parent at that most pivotal time that will dictate how the child will forever respond and react to things in my opinion.
But I would honor Treys wishes... your child will grow up hopefully open minded and know that some men look like women and vice versa and some people just dont feel right in their own bodies - or what have you and there is no rule that says girls need to wear dressed and boys have to have short hair.
SO GIVE UNCLE TREY A HUG AND WELCOME HIM IN TO YOUR FAMILY !
our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/
I think this exactly. Kids aren't born with hate or disgust or homo/transphobia. Your LO will know that some people have an Aunt Tracy or an Uncle Trey and will be blessed to have him in her life - someone clearly important and special to you - just like my kids will know some people have two moms, two dads, a mom and grandpa, birth parents, adoptive parents, foster parents... Families come in all shapes, sizes & configurations and having a trans person in her life will just expand the horizon of what a family can be (or, to be super dorky - add one more colour to the rainbow
- V
Lol. Will do. I kind of knew I was overthinking it, but I overthink everything. Thanks!
That was dorky, but it made me smile from ear to ear. Thanks!
Everyone has said it wonderfully. People worry so much about how "it'll confuse the children!" but honestly, young kids are SO very open and accepting. If something seems a little different to them, they ask questions, possibly to their parents; the way the parent responds is absolutely key in determining how the child will view the situation and all situations like it in the future.
I am not at all worried about how my daughter will view the person who others will (at least for the next few years) see as her father, but who will eventually be known as one of her mothers. Although we have talked about it, because while my partner is still 100% okay with being "he" and "dad" and "husband" for the time being, that will change once the transition begins. So we've decided, loosely, that from day one our child will know this person as someone who often does present in a more feminine way at home. It helps that we don't interact with family much. When we do, he is mostly masculine, as to not raise any questions (mind you, it has NEVER been a super masculine presentation, but... no family dinners in dresses yet).
Our only concern is that our child will reach an age where she makes the connection that "when it's just me and my parents, dad/mama is a woman, but I have to say dad when we're with grandma and grandpa." I don't necessarily think this would be confusing, but I am very afraid that forcing a distinction will signal to our child that our situation is somehow bad or shameful, so nobody else is allowed to know; THIS is what we want to avoid. To our kid, it won't be a problem, but we don't want her to catch on to the fact that it's still secret... even though it is, and we'd like it to be until #2 is well on the way. It is very likely that this might need to come out before then, which is a hit we are willing to take if it is for the sake of our child not ever feeling as if this is taboo and something to keep hidden.
In your situation, I think the only acceptable title is Uncle. Your child is very unlikely to raise any questions. If she ever asks you or Trey why his body is such and such/like a woman/etc, I know my response would be somewhere along the lines of everyone is born different and while there are common things among boys and girls, sometimes people are just born with different features, and that's okay. That's how we'll handle any questions that might come up if our kids start wondering if they should change their bodies; it's one of my partner's fears, especially if we ever have a son--he's kind of nervous that if we have a son, our som may feel as if his maleness is a bad thing since dad/mama got rid of it. I don't think I'm as worried about that but anything is possible. Chances are it would be a case of "I feel okay like this but if you changed it, do I have to as well?" In that case, we will simply explain that everyone has to be happy with their bodies and who they are, and if you're happy and comfortable, then there is nothing to change. Again, we'd explain that while most girls are born with girl bodies and most boys are born with girl bodies, sometimes a boy is born with a girl body and a girl is born with a boy body and that's just part of what makes us all unique.
blog! thescenery.net
@mollybloom:
Hey there! My thought as a transguy? Uncle Trey, for sure. Kids are good with rolling with the punches. I have spent a lot of time with kids- before, during and after "physical/social transition"- and never had a really hard time with kids getting it. Their grown-ups sometimes struggle, but the kids are cool.
Two cute examples-
I used to babysit for a 5 year old girl and one day she started asking if I was a boy or a girl- over and over and over. Even when I answered "boy, more or less." Finally I said to her, "I'm kind of both, hun. I used to be a girl, but now I am a boy and much happier." She looked at me, cocked her head to one side, and shrugged saying, "That can happen? Oh, ok. Cool." And that was it. Never an issue again. She was just gathering information about how the world works, like a 5 year does!
I also nannied for a set of triplets through their infancy and into toddler years. I used my current name, but went by female pronouns with their parents at the time. When the kids started talking, they used male pronouns for me and it didn't cause any problems. Their mom even started using them after then.
Now it isn't always that simple, but I do think you're over thinking! No doubt out of love and kindness, so kudos.
Keep in mind also, that there is no "complete
transition" physically exactly. Different body modifications are right
for different people. I have never had a surgery, but I am no longer in
gender transition per se. Also, even gender normative folks have SO
much variation from one persons' body to the next persons' body. Trans
folks really aren't that different in that sense, so it's not so
confusing!
Hope that helps!
peace,
ERH
BTW- Today is my first insem. for this cycle. Wish me luck!Thanks for your perspective one this. DD will know Trey as Uncle Trey and when/ if she has questions, we will answer them.
And good luck!