Birth Mothers?

jyoung630 · July 2012

I don't know if this is the right board for this. Is there a community for birth mothers out there?

I gave up my firstborn years ago and now I am expecting another. Would like to hear from others how you felt in this situation. Am looking for what would be considered 'normal'. Not sure why I still feel like I failed the first one. I was not able to provide a safe, secure or or healthy home for him. I am afraid of failing this child too.

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

There are birthmoms who regularly check in on this board. You should get some responses from them soon.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

srmmm09 · July 2012

Hi! I'm a birthmom. I placed my first child (a boy) for adoption in 2006 and now have a 16 month old.

I understand those feelings; they didn't bother me too much because of my personality. I hardly ever worry about not making the grade or meeting expectations. But it totally makes sense why you might feel that way. I would think it might get a little worse when your LO is born - it's such, such an overwhelming time, trying to meet the needs of someone you care about so much!

Something I try to remind myself when I get sad about placing M is that I really did meet his needs. Frankly, there are a lot of women who have no business raising children who didn't step up and make an adoption plan for the benefit of their child. Many women choose to make their pregnancies "go away" (my personal opinion being that those kids would probably prefer to be alive). Your choice, I know, was difficult and required serious love and serious sacrifice. I think birthmoms are a lot farther along in learning how to be good moms than we give ourselves credit for. Even if you protective services was involved, you didn't end this person's life, and I'm certain s/he would thank you for that.

In the end, you didn't fail to provide or care for your child. You succeeded spectacularly. It just doesn't look the way you and others wish. Sometimes I look back on myself in 2006, and even I'm impressed with me. You know, you just deal with the circumstances that you're given, and that's how I've always felt about my personal story. But, if I met me then, I'd see how I allowed my body to be taken over by another person for 9 months (knowingly 7, haha) without my prior consent. I endured pain (some physical, so much emotional) willingly to provide that safe, secure, and healthy home for M. I didn't allow myself to parent (seesh, I had no business parenting), but I definitely became a mom then.

Emotionally, I think I'm just more raw about babies and children. I don't know if this is normal, but my grief is like a kiddie pool, with all the losses (big and small) mixed in. I'm just tender about motherhood and the preciousness of children and any type of relational loss. It has gotten more acute as you add my love for E in with the grief over "losing" M, but I've always been an emotional person, so maybe that doesn't resonate for you. It doesn't really bother me to cry a good bit or at things that are seemingly silly.

Okay, I wrote a novel. I don't know if any of this will find traction in your life, but this is my normal, at least!

Patches08 · July 2012

Hi! I'm a birthmom and I placed my daughter in 2004. I do not have other children although my husband and I have been TTC for over 2 years but we are soon closing that door as I am going back to school.. but thats a whole new topic and post

. I love what Srm said. You most certainly did NOT fail your first child by placing him for adoption. Us birth moms DO need to give ourselves some credit for the first and most important parental decision we made. We choose to give life to our children even though we knew in our hearts that at the time we were not equipped (for whatever reason) to be the best parent. That is not failing anyone. That is the opposite. That's seeing through your selfish needs and doing your best to ensure your LO will have the best shot at life. Sometimes I think about when the time comes to tell DD that I'm pregnant (IF that ever happens) because I know she will be confused, she's 8 and just starting to understand everything. But if we do our jobs right then our children will know that we loved them SO much that we did what was best for them. Sorry about my formatting, I'm on vacation and posting from my phone. BTW, Congrats on your pregnancy!

jyoung630 · July 2012

Thank you for your congratulations and well wishes. It does help knowing that the doubt is a normal part of the process. I really didn't expect that after all this time (17 years) that it would be an issue. Finding out about our little surprise - who is very much wanted by us both - just brought all those feelings back. I understand in my head that the choice I made was the right one, it is my heart that is lagging behind.

Want a personalized experience?

Birth Mothers?

Re: Birth Mothers?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards