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Baby Showers
burgergirlWed157609
member
How to handle uncomfortable feelings (long, sorry)
burgergirlWed157609
member
in Baby Showers
I'm sorry that this will be so long, but the backstory is important. My husband and I have been married for five years. Since we married, his younger brother married a woman he'd dated for several years. I didn't think it was odd that we invited her parents to our wedding but I was hurt that two years later, when they married, they did not invite my parents. That was the biggest example of several ways her parents have been included and mine have not in family functions. Early on in our marriage, I arrived for a birthday dinner for my husband to find out that my sister-in-law's parents had been invited, but mine had not been. Each year, husband, MIL, BIL, SIL go out for Mother's Day with SIL's parents. I do not attend, as my mother is not invited. After voicing my concerns to my husband, I made the decision to no longer attend family functions to which SIL's parents have been invited and mine have not. This has saddened me, but I feel that doing so would be disloyal to my family. My family has often invited MIL to holidays, etc. She has attended one picnic.
Now I am pregnant with twins. My sisters, mother, and mother-in-law are all throwing me a shower and I am very grateful for that. Showers are pretty standard in my family; they are not in my husband's family. For that reason in particular, I appreciate that my MIL wanted to be involved. Earlier on, I mentioned to my husband that the one thing that made me anxious about a shower was whether or not my MIL would insist on inviting SIL's mother. My mom, in particular, would feel strange about this. SIL's parents are perfectly kind enough people, but I admit to having a lot of anger and resentment about this situation. My husband, even when asked about the guest list by my sisters, did not share my concerns. I'm angry about that too.
There's a chance I might be put on bed rest soon, so my sisters and mom shared the details with me about the shower. Date is set, invites are out. SIL's mom is invited. I know that ship has sailed and I would never be anything but gracious to a guest at my shower, but it really bothers me that she will be there. It's more that my husband won't stand up for me-- he insists I need to just let it go and recognize that families are complicated.
I'm not really close to my MIL, mostly because of this issue. We also struggled with infertility and BIL and SIL had a daughter right away. MIL has made some hurtful comments about that too. I feel that my biggest mistake has been in not confronting this situation head on and listening to my husband's assurances that he would talk to his mom. I don't think he has. He really has a hard time with conflict. There are also religious and class differences between our families. That complicates things too.
My question is should I take this opportunity to sit down and talk with MIL about this issue? Should I say that I recognize that SIL's parents are wonderful people, but this situation has been very hurtful over the years and I that I wanted her to understand why. Or should I just be thankful that she and my family are working together on something? Is it time to let it go?
My feelings aren't changing, though, and I worry we'll have more issues like this once the babies are here. I do not want my children to grow up seeing my family excluded from everything.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to handle uncomfortable feelings (long, sorry)
I would say so.
You're in a sh!tty situation, no doubt about it. You can't change people and a lot of times, once family dynamics get established like this, they are not easily changed either.
I would try to overlook this during the shower. And obviously, you feel very loyal to your mom, so stick close to her and try to honor her in the best way possible during the shower- by handing gifts to her first so she can see, and standing with her as she greets guests.
Eh, I dunno. I can kind of see why the OP is hurt- if my MIL asked BIL's gf and her mother to a mother's day brunch, invited me, but not my own mom, I'd definitely give her the major side eye.
You're right, no one has to be friends, but maybe it's just my "include one, include them all" nature that helps me to see where the OP is coming from
I see both sides to this.
YOUR parents weren't invited to your DH's b-day dinner, but your SIL's parents were? I find that REALLY odd and yes, this puts me on the side that I understand where you're coming from. HIS IL's should have been invited before his brother's IL's were.
But at the same time- I think some of your expectations are out of whack. YEs, actually, I do find it odd that you invited your BIL's (at the time) girlfriends parents to your wedding. But whatever, you did it - that's fine.
BUT THEN to now expect this to turn into a "tit for tat" situation is actually very unfair of you. I'm not sure why your parents now need to be invited to their wedding - especially if BIL/SIL don't really know your parents. Who knows what went into their decisioins for their guest list, but I do think you're very much in the wrong for expecting your parents to be invited and now holding onto a hurt from that and translating it into other various situations.
And for the fact that you are holding onto that hurt- it makes me question your view/interpretation of a lot of these other scenario's you're telling us about. To estwd's point - your IL's may simply really like and get along w/ SIL's parents. It may not be about them being "family" as much as they may really genuinely be friends with them. But for whatever reason, your IL's never developed that kind of relaitonship w/ your parents.
They are allowed to invite SIL's parents to events w/o it having to be a "now we have to invite ALL IL's". It might not be about that to them - it might be about "they are our friends" and nothing more.
Again- their not inviting your parents to your DH's dinner was wrong. But I'm not in the camp that they are wrong in ALL the situations you've layed out. ESPECIALLY BIL's wedding.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't need my MIL and mother to be friends. It's more that I feel like I always have to choose, especially around holidays. My MIL is a widow so it's very important for my husband to spend holidays with her. But I just can't sit through things like a mother's day brunch and pretend it's not weird that I'm there without my mom. So my husband and I spend that holiday separately. Which is fine-- but what happens next year, when we have two infants?
And it does insult me that SIL's parents are included in everything and my family is not even mentioned. It just feels that they are all one big family and I am the guest my husband keeps bringing around.
Thanks for your perspective. MIL insisted her parents needed to be invited to our wedding, so I suppose I figured that precedent had been set. In the mean time, my husband's birthday dinner happened, so by that time I was pretty oversensitive to the issue. It's very possible I've been overreacting to things since then.
Again, I'm not expecting them to be friends-- they are very different people. I guess I've grown up seeing holidays as family things so I'd figure on including everyone. I tried to adjust to that difference. But then I don't see why SIL's mom needs to be at my baby shower.
Quite honestly, if you don't have a relationship with her, I don't either.
Ah, this appears to be a little more of a DH problem than I first thought. She's widow but she clearly isn't alone. Your DH doens't HAVE to spend every holiday w/ her, or at least not the actual day itself. It is acutally VERY unfair that this precident has been set, and this is very much about your DH. And I agree-- what does he see happening when you have kids?
As your MIL is a widow- is there a chance she's trying to fill the void w your SIL's parents?>
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Regardless of every other situation that you have mentioned, I think it's weird that your SIL's mom is coming to your shower when she's not a friend of yours. Your MIL basically just invited one of her friends to come, just like if she had invited a neighbor friend or a work friend. It's weird and it sucks because of the history, but you just need to roll with it this time.
I might be misunderstanding the situation but it seems like 2 grown adults should be able to be in the same room together for a few hours for your sake. Let it be.
I'm going ot give you a little additional advice - it's easy to get caught up in the cycle of annoyance. TRUST ME - I have lived this myself w/ my IL's. I get it.
But you have to find a way to take a step back and start seperating the issues. Right now you're lumping all of it together, you're getting yourself more upset, and it's just continuing the cycle.
AND at some point, if you always find "wrong" w/ your MIL, your DH WILL get tired of hearing it. Right or wrong, he WILL get tired of hearing it and he may think "why does it matter- she can't do anything right anyhow".
So - Mothers Day. Yes, I'd have issue with that. They want to have a big Mother's Day get together? Then your parents need to be invited. And you need to push your DH on this! He NEEDS to stand up for you. For as important as it is to him to be w/ his mom, he needs to respect that you feel the same.
But just a random dinner at her house? Eh, she's allowed to invite who she wants and she can include SIL's parents but not yours. AND you need to not get mad about it.
That's what I mean - focus on where the real problems are and let the other crap go.
If you can be more specific about your annoyance, you might have a better chance of getting your DH to hear you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Maybe your MIL just doesn't like your mom?
In my family my grandparents are best friends with my aunts in laws. They go on vacations ect and are always seen out on the weekends. They don't go out with any of their other childrens in-laws simply because they don't get along that way.
You can't force people to want to be around each other. Some formal occasions it's expected but we can't choose our family and we can't expect everyone to like them either.
This was one of my first reactions/questions too. Is there a reason you weren't comfortable saying, "hey, I'd love for us all to celebrate mother's day together. would it be okay if I invited my parents too?"
I'm probably in the minority here, but if family functions really play out that your family is always excluded but the SIL parents are not, I might be inclinded to at some point let my MIL know that you've noticed a pattern of your parents not being included and while you don't expect them to be invited to every function DH's family has, it's left you feeling a little uncomfortable and feeling as though you can't attend certain functions (esp on holidays) because you don't want your parents to be without family. I would not bring it up in the context of your baby shower and, in fact, I would wait until well after your babies are born and life has settled back down to raise the issue, if you even want to. For all you know, MIL may be thinking she doesn't want to impose her family events on your parents and not realize they may like to be included.
On one other note - I would also make it clear to DH that instead of always spending holidays apart, he needs to attend your family events as much as you attend his. I think you will continue to be resentful of him until he puts more effort in your family's direction too.
Anyway, just some rambling thoughts - it's hard to give good advice without really knowing all the dynamics of yours and DH's family and the personalities involved. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope you don't let it weigh too much on you right now in this very joyful and exciting time in your life. All the best to you!
It isn't obnoxious if you use the quote button. It helps people see to whom you're responding.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
This is just my opinion but this is what I would do in the future. When the whole family goes out (to a restaurant for instance) I would inform whoever is heading up the get-together (MIL, SIL, etc) that I am inviting my mother/parents. I think you should have told your MIL that you will be inviting your Mother to the Mother's Day Brunch.
Other than that...I think YOU should start hosting get-togethers. I had to start doing that in my family because it was becoming divided. I have a brother and nieces who live 1 1/2 hours in one direction and a brother with nieces/nephews who live 1 1/2 hours in the other direction. For some reason everything started to be two parties (for holidays for instance)...WE host the holidays and invite everyone. I also have started having some holidays on other days (like Easter...we have on Saturday, Mother's/Father's Day we celebrate on Saturday). It has worked out so well because most of the family is free on the day before the holiday so they come. They are then able to go to in-laws or even have just their own celebration on the actual day. We do invite my IL's but many times they don't come since they live 3 1/2 - 5 hours away. Depends on the holiday and the weather.
I can really relate to your post and it is very hurtful to have your IL's include one side of the family and not the other. Im my situation, my MIL never really liked DH's brother's wife's mom - so she was never invited to family get togethers etc... and neither were my parents so it was equal. MIL even said things about SIL's mom annoying her when SIL wasn't around. I have no idea what has ever been said about my parents b/c she hasn't said anything in front of me.
Then about 2 years ago - they suddenly started inviting SIL's mom to things. The first thing was actually a 4th of July picnic that DH and hosted, but I didn't really think of that as a big deal to invite her. Then at Thanksgiving, which DH and I host every year, my SIL asked if her mom could come. I don't have an issue with her, so I said it was fine (there were some seating issues and I thought it was odd that she asked, but it was fine). Since then SIL's mom has been at my IL's for almost every holiday dinner, birthday dinner, etc... When it first started happening I was really shocked and then I got upset. My parents have NEVER been invited to their house for anything.
It really, really bothers me and I think it is very rude of my IL's. When DH and I were engaged my parents invited my IL's over for dinner and the IL's never reciprocated. My parents also invited them to this pig roast dinner 2 years in a row and they came both times (we were also there, as it is a club I belong to that hosts it), but they have never invited my parents to do anything. My parents didn't invite them to try to be "friends" they were trying to be inclusive to them since we are now all "family".
I don't expect my IL's and my parents to be BFF's. I don't expect that they will hang out on a monthly or weekly basis or anything like that. And I get that some people click with some people and not with others and so they may not want to spend time socializing with each other. However, I do think it is rude and hurtful to invite 1 DIL's mother and not the other DIL's parents to family/holiday events. Especially, if they want you to be there for all of them. They can't expect that you will give up spending every holiday with your family if they don't include your family ever. I know that is how I feel anyway. If you don't invite my parents, don't expect me to always be there. And don't compare me to your other DIL when you are inviting her mom and she doesn't have to choose.
I really hope that you and your DH can work out a compromise, because widow or not, his mom can't expect you to be at every event/holiday with her and not see your family. Yous DH can't expect you to do that either and you are right - next Mother's Day will be YOUR day too. He can't just go off with his mom for the day. Maybe he will have to celebrate with her another day, like the day before. I do also agree that you should start hosting some holidays and whatnot if you can. Especially once your babies come. Like I said, DH and I host Thanksgiving every year, we invite my parents and his (his brother and SIL come every other year). If someone doesn't like it - they don't have to come (his mom did say something once about "holidays not being the same anymore" since DH is not with them at their house for every one, but too bad).
Good luck with this. Oh and I do think it's odd that they invited your SIL's mom to your baby shower. Like I said, even if they are friends - it's not right to be so obvious about it and there is no reason for her to be at your baby shower since you aren't close with her.
OP, maybe your MIL just enjoys the company of your SIL parents more than she enjoys the company of your mother. I am not trying to be snarky... believe me I am in the exact same situation (my parents and inlaws don't get along but my inlaws get along and spend time with my SIL parents)... but sometimes personalities just don't click. Not a biggie.
Good luck.