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Baby Showers
stressful situation with upcoming family baby shower
I am pretty clear on proper etiquette on most things but not with this shower related issue. My mother & I are for the most part politely estranged (she is mentally ill with multiple diagnoses, not on medication, didn't agree with my decision to use IVF to get pregnant & only spoke to me twice last year because of it). Because of this, my mother in law wanted to throw me a baby shower along with my 2 sister in laws. I was beyond flattered but worried about the outcome for a few reasons. First, I know how expensive planning a smooth running event costs & they are out of practice & thought they would have "sticker shock". Despite their intentions, I never would want anyone to have a huge bill to pay in this economy just because I was lucky enough to get pregnant. Second, I had a distinct gut feeling that my sister in law through marriage would take over (she is unbelievably controlling), not involve my mother in law or my husband's sister but expect them to pay 2/3 of the bill at the end. This sister in law can be very difficult & also has a diagnosis but is not on medication as she refuses to go back on her 3 meds that took years to get right. But saddened by my situation with my own mother & trying to make my husband & his family happy, I said yes to their offer. Well my gut was right. Things are quite a mess now & not any less stressful than if it was organized by my own family.
My sister in law mentioned 5 days ago where she had booked the shower & the date. She had not even told the other 2 family members paying for the event. They had no idea when or where it was until I told them. I was hesitant at the time to mention my worry about this venue to my sister in law because of her usual reaction history so I slept on it & spoke to my husband. He agreed I needed to say something because there were so many factors that would indicate the event would go terribly. First, there are 40 people coming & only 28 seats. They cannot & will not add any more because of fire laws (I asked). Second, the venue will only give us 2 hours to complete the event-that seems a bit impossible & I do not want people or myself to feel rushed. Third, the area is a section of a restaurant that is very open that everyone that enters to eat can see us & there is no privacy. I expressed the fact that at 6 1/2 months, I feel fat, clumsy & uncomfortable in my own body & really would feel as if I was on stage in this restaurant. Let's be honest-any time a shower/party is happening in an open area of a restaurant everyone looks-people are curious by nature. Fourth, the brunch buffet is shared with the entire restaurant, is very small, poor quality of food & not replenished quick enough. Fifth, drinks are not included (only water ) so the reasonable price per person will be much more than she bargained for & I don't feel comfortable expecting guests to pay for an orange juice-I think that's mortifying. Sixth, the staff has a history of being rude & even their website reads as rude with so many rules most would consider it a turn off. And lastly, (if you needed any more reasons) one of our family members just had her baby shower there 2 years ago. I didn't mention this but I think it's tacky out of all of the restaurants in our area that we have to go back to the same place. And this family member's shower really didn't go well & we were cramped even with 28 people.
When I spoke to my sister in law on the phone, I logically & politely listed my concerns above (left out the tacky comment) & she flipped out. She started fighting with me, insulting me, yelling & even cried. She made it more about her & how she was feeling & less about putting on a smooth running event that guests & myself were comfortable. I told her that I would like to send her a check for the $50 deposit as well as any other expenses she may have had regardless of her decision to move forward. I said that if she wanted to cancel the event all together or not be involved, I would understand & not hold a grudge. And that I did appreciate all of her hard work but I wished she communicated with someone before making a decision. I said that I wanted her to feel comfortable but that being said, I needed to feel comfortable as well at my own shower. And I couldn't ask 12 people to stand to eat. My husband's sister feels terrible & caught in the middle. My husband cannot stand his sister in law & thinks that she is now trying to sabbotage the event by her current behavior. She will not call me or my husband's sister back & even had my brother in law answer the phone & basically refuse to speak to my husband's sister. So right now, we have no idea if she is getting over her upset, isn't involved anymore, or if the event ultimately will be cancelled in any capacity. This is embarrassing to me because I have family that knew of the event & are expecting invitations to something that may be cancelled.
So I am wondering, was it completely rude & controlling of me to voice my concerns? My sister in law said although she hasn't planned a shower before, it was her understanding that you take what's given to you & say thank you no matter what it is. I didn't think that was a fair comment with the 2 hr window & lack of 12 seats logistical points. Do modern brides & moms to be have a say in their own shower details? I'm not sure what the norm is. Also, she mentioned that she was annoyed that I needed to know the date because most showers are supposed to be a surprise. This seemed like a dated concept to me. I work 7a-7p every other weekend & cannot get time off. I am hormonal & could cry on a dime. If I'm already feeling ugly I can assure you tears would fill up my eyes in walking into a room with people yelling surprise. That just seems like a risky & bad combination for alot of pregnant women.
Well-sorry so long if anyone made it to the end of this post! Any advice you could give would be so much appreciated. So much for enjoying my shower, huh?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: stressful situation with upcoming family baby shower
IMO, you shouldn't have said anything except "thank you" when your SIL made the plans. It is up to her to think of all the details and potential issues involved in planning the shower.
Also, if your MIL and other SIL knew she was going to be like this, why did they include her in the planning of the shower? This confuses me.
Totally agree. You are probably right that it won't run as smoothly as you would like but its not up to you. Your only role is to be gracious and enjoy it as best you can.
I am not great on etiquette, but I would say that it is very poor etiquette on SIL's part to book a venue that will not hold all of the guests. I am assuming that the Hostesses of the baby shower were aware of the 40 person guest list. If they were aware then they should be planning accordingly. If they felt that the list was too large they should have asked you to cut some names from the list according to what they could afford/handle.
I do not think it is a reasonable expectation that some guests would have to stand or possibly not be allowed entry because the venue would be over their occupancy limit.
Since the invites have not gone out, I would just inform the other two who want to host that if they are able to fix the situation with you, either by cutting the guest list or picking a different venue you would be more than happy to cooperate. However, if the other two Hosts are not willing to work this out I would just go for a complete cancellation.
Under no circumstances would I allow guests to be invited to an event that they might be turned away from at the door.
I do feel that if you cancel you should hold up your offer to reimburse the SIL for the deposit.
I have to disagree with this. The mother to be should be able to feel comfortable about the place along with everything else. Yes, someone else is paying for the event and what not but if there are so many concerns and pretty important ones, I dont think it was a bad thing for her to say something. If someone is throwing a party/shower, they should always check with the person it is being thrown for to see if the date and venue is okay.
Regarding your question on whether showers are usually surprises, I have been to many baby showers, none of which has been a surprise. Most of the shower discussed on this board are not surprises, so it seems to me that it's normal for the MTB to be involved in choosing the date.
Wow...there is certainly a lot of "wrong" with this venue. Normally, the MTB doesn't have a say in the venue...only the date and the guest list...but in this instance it is good that you knew about it. Weird that she did not communicate with the other hostesses about the venue.
You cannot have guests arrive and have no place to sit...or even be turned away at the door. What suggestions have the hostesses given? It is really up to them to deal with your SIL regarding this issue. Let them know you have offered to pay the deposit fee (It still might be refundable if the place cannot accomodate the guests or your time frame). They need to take the lead from here on out. There are places that would easily accomodate 40 people (church halls, VFW halls, Senior Centers, etc) that are not at all expensive. Food would have to be catered so it wouldn't be like a restaurant where everthing is already there.
Rarely do MTB's have surprise showers anymore. I think that is a regional thing...perhaps your SIL had her's done that way.
As far as drinks...you could have spoken to the waitress and told her that all non-alcoholic drinks will be paid for by you (or the other hostesses). I feel they have some responsibilty for all of this. I realize they didn't know the place of venue until you told them but once they knew it was up to them to "go after" your SIL. As far as mental illness...sorry, that is not an excuse in my book. I ignore all of that when it comes to things like this. People get their feelings hurt all the time whether they have issues or not. They are adults...they will get over it.
Also, keep in mind that although you are inviting 40 people, some may not be able to attend for one reason or another (but not having seats for even a few people would be rude).
As far as time...you could do a shower in 2 hours at a restaurant. I'm not sure what time it was scheduled for...but after 2 many restaurants are pretty empty. It might be good to have the time toward the end of the brunch buffet. That way guests can eat first and then you open presents. Take no more than a minute opening each gift.
The "being on display" thing is not a big issue. Sure people might "look" but trust me...your shower is not that entertaining. Once they've seen it is a shower they will go about their business of eating their brunch. Oh ya...you will not be big and clumsy at 6 1/2 months. Pregnant women are beautiful even at 9 months!
Honestly, I'm concerned by your assertion that a smooth running shower requires the hostesses to spend a lot of money. This is simply not true. I'd pretty much guarantee that my SILs spent 100-200 tops, and only that much because they had a high end cake - they probably could have cut 50 by making a cake themselves. They had plenty of food, a nice location, a few games, and it went very smoothly. People don't have to spend huge amounts of money on your shower for it to be good.
As for the guest list, the hostess(es) are well within their rights to tell you how many people they're willing to host. If they are only able to host the event for their side of the family, so be it. Maybe someone on your side of the family will offer to host a separate shower.
I agree w/ the first responder who said you shouldn't be getting involved. Let your hostesses plan your shower. If your MIL and other SIL don't get to be as involved as they want, it's their fault for not speaking up - not your job to make that happen. If the shower isn't 100% the way you wanted, too bad. A shower is a gift, and it sounds like you're being way too uptight about exactly how this gift should be given.
To be clear, I don't think a smooth running shower needs to cost alot of money. That being said, it does have to have enough seats to accommodate guests. And even if a restaurant would be willing to break fire codes & bring in extra seats, guests (especially older female relatives & other pregnant women) need to be able to rise from those seats, navigate through a crowd & go to the bathroom easily. And I do think that guests often bring their concerns to the bride, groom or mother to be that a shower is for. They often do not know everyone in the room or who the person was that is hosting the event. I have memories of my wedding where guests voiced their concerns to my husband & I & it was a bit uncomfortable & hard to remedy in that setting.
Secondly, a shower location needs to have a friendly & available staff. This does not always come with an affordable or expensive venue. The previous location for the shower would have most definately be extremely rude to my sister in law to wrap it up after 2 hours. And knowing her, she would have gotten into a huge argument with them due to her mental illness, started raising her voice causing a scene & everyone would have felt awkward or embarassed. I would bet my home that this would have happened. I am that positive & know my inlaws after 15 yrs. After planning many events, I have found that the price of a location & the service don't always walk hand in hand.
Lastly, a smooth running event is comprised of a plan, hostesses that want the guest of honor to be comfortable & happy & more than 2 hours to complete that event. And to be clear, my inlaws never set a number & wanted to invite my female relatives and even my mother (which I did not). I went more along with their plan to make them happy and realized that they were taking on way more than they were used to. I am not a selfish or controlling person, just someone that has been to stressful events & do not want my guests on either side to be in any way uncomfortable. You may not be able to please everyone, but you there are obvious things that can be avoided.