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Baby Showers
Shower Invite Drama - please help (kinda long)
Hey all - I've been a lurker here for a while and had been thankful until last night that I could just read your witty responses. I'm pregnant with our first and due in October. My mom and MIL are throwing a shower towards the end of August (friends and some of my Husband's family).
Last night I received the following via Facebook Message from my Dad's mother:
Hokiepokiemom,
Your aunt called me last evening and her call really upset me.
I was so sorry to hear that you only want one (1) member of our family at your
upcoming baby shower. I have to say that I AM VERY DISAPPONTED IN
YOU.....
I have been telling all my friends that I was going to
be a great grandmother. Thanks a lot. I wish you only the best;
however, I thought that you and i were closer than that.
I don't condone what your Dad has done to the family and as far as I am concerned, he is no longer a member of my family.
MY BEST TO YOU, HUSBAND, AND THE BABY....
A little background - My dad's "mom" is not his biological mother. When they had a falling out she made some hurtful statements including: he isn't her real child, my sister and I aren't her real grandchildren, and she hoped he died a horrible death (he is terminally ill). My parents are divorced - my Dad made some bad mistakes and we're not really close anymore. I am also not really close with most of his family anymore. We haven't spoken to/heard from/seen any other aunts or member's of my dad's family (except my one aunt/godmother and dad) since our wedding three years ago.
To me, it seemed like it was less appropriate to show up out of the blue and invite them to a gift giving shower event - I figured if they wanted to reach out they would - my dad has told everyone about the baby. Inviting her to the shower is not an option - my mom does not get along
with her and never planned on inviting her. In which case, I thought it would be better not to invite my dad's other sisters except my godmother whom I am very close with. I thought it would be WORSE if all the other women were invited and she wasn't which was the direction my mom was originally headed in.
Should I respond to this message with a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" and a brief explanation or should I just ignore it and try to enjoy the shower when it comes? Kudos if you read through this!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Shower Invite Drama - please help (kinda long)
If you don't want to have a relationship with her, do nothing. I don't think it is unreasonable to not invite someone you haven't seen in over three years. Your relationship with your Godmother is on a different level that with your other aunts, she's your GodMother for heaven sakes, of course she would be invited.
If it were me in your shoes, I say leave things as they are. It could turn into an even bigger drama if you try and explain things to her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I guess I'm not reading where she said hurtful things to YOU. I see her being upset and hurt that she was not invited to your babyshower and it looks like she explained herself by saying she doesn't condone what your Dad did and she feels he is no longer a member of her family. That doesn't involve you. it sounds like some hurtful things were said in the past o your Dad. Not sure if you know what prompted all of that...maybe the "bad mistakes" he made...do you know? Maybe those mistakes were directed at her to make her lash out like that. Not that it matters here since it wasn't YOU she was lashing out at and saying the hurtful things to.
So...they were all invited to your wedding 3 years ago. Obviously you are still "in touch" through facebook or she would not have been able to get a message to you.
It is totally up to you what you want to do. I would not ignore her message though. I would explain that to make things go smoothly regarding the family dynamics you decided not to invite your Dad's side of the family (except your Godmother). Obviously if someone on HIS side wanted to host a shower that would be a different situation altogether. Depending on her response to you...I would then delete her as a friend on facebook. I certainly wouldn't delete her by what she messaged you. There was nothing in it that was 'delete worthy". She was trying to convey how hurt she was not to be invited. JMO
I would not engage her. And if you do want a relationship with her, I would call her. Do not go back and forth over FB/email.
agreed just ignore it and move on. it doesnt sound like a positive relationship so even if you did invite her now it would be strained, and there would be tension at the shower. i had a similar situation with SIL who i cant stand but i want to enjoy my shower not walk on eggshells.
sorry this happened, but just ignore it so you can relax and enjoy your shower.
^^^ALL of this. Unfriend her on fb and/or delete her. You don't need the drama. Honestly, if she doesn't know what shes done to make the relationship sour then she's a selfish woman. You don't ever say things like that to anybody, let alone family. Your shower should be a happy time, not worrying if someone is going to lash out at the other party...you want good memories, not crappy ones.
You need to enjoy this time for yourself, good luck with everything
Assuming Im reading this correctly, Im really impressed that your great grandmother uses facebook
It sounds like you dont want a relationship with her so just ignore her and defriend.
I had a weird situation with my wedding shower - someone who had hurt me deeply and said some really horrible things to me a few years before said she wanted to host a shower for me. When I told her I thought it inappropriate given what had passed between us, she said she didn't remember saying those things. I believed her - we always remember the hurtful things that people say to us, but we don't always remember the hurtful things we say to other people. Your grandma's comment about thinking that you were "closer than that" makes me think that maybe she doesn't remember the hurtful words she said to you or doesn't know how the affected you.
Because I'm not one to burn bridges, I say try to give her a brief explanation, but don't drag it out. Also, if you choose to email/message her, be careful what you say because writing is easily misunderstood. If this is absolutely the first time you have heard from her, then point that out. But if she's your FB friend and sees all of your posts (and comments on or likes them?), she probably feels closer to you than you do to her.