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Baby Showers
Faith 21
member
This can't go on!!!
Faith 21
member
in Baby Showers
My mom is throwing a shower for me at her house this saturday. All my family and friends will be there. There is a few with kids, some that are pregnant, and some not. My grandma is a smoker and exactly the only one that smokes that was invited not on purpose just none of my family or friends smoke besides her. she is very rude and selfish and ignores my mom's no smoking signs on the door already and says it don't anything when my mom tells her to put the cig out. None of my friends want to be put in a smaller house with someone who smokes and refuses to go outside. So what should we do?? We have several people that have asthma too on top of this.
Colty Bug's Mommy
This discussion has been closed.
Re: This can't go on!!!
That's so rude of her! Have you had a heart to heart with her, asking her to not smoke before/during the shower because:
1 - second hand smoke, pregnancy and children don't mix
2 - You don't want your baby shower gifts to smell like smoke
3 - Asthma
If she doesn't care about any of those things, I'd tell her that if she can't check her cigs at the door, she can't walk through the door. Bottom line.
Why are you around this woman when it makes you sick for 3 days??? Just don't invite her to the shower. She can't come.
I haven't been to my parents' house for years. My pulmonologist and allergist both forbid it because of my father's incessant smoking (indoors). I get a hotel when I visit and I meet them in public places where he can't smoke. Are they happy about it? Not in the least. Am I willing to end up on prednisone and more inhalers to make them happy? No.
All of this! I don't care who this person is, there would be no smoking.
I agree with this. I know you said she disregards your mom's wishes to not smoke in her house, but is that with just family there? Do you think that she would still insist on smoking in front of a group of people that she may not know.
TTC #1 since Sept 2010
DX = Endo and right tube blocked
IUI #1-3 - 50mg Clomid, 75iu Gonal, Ovidrel, Progesterone = BFN
IVF #1 - ER = 9R, 9M, 8F; 5DT of 1 embryo (3 frosties) = BFP!!
Beta #1 (17dpo) = 496, Beta #2 (20dpo) = 1318, Beta #3 (22dpo) = 2190
EDD Oct 9, 2012
If she still lights up, I'd either publically ask her to put out the cigarette or I'd open a window near her and blast her with a few fans. Can you have the shower be outside?
You sound like your super nice but don't be a doormat here. She is being so disrespectful.
Honestly, if I were your friend and shower guest and your grandma started smoking in the house, I'd probably ask her to take it outside. If a stranger asked her to take it outside would she be more receptive? Do you have a bold friend or two who can come to the rescue?
If she is going to smoke no matter what anyone says I would not allow her in my home. Not now and especially not after LO is born. From the sound of it I'm not sure I'd want to be around her at all anyway.
Ditto this. And you may be 18 but you're an adult and a mom. We should all respect our elders but the respect has to be mutual. In this case, it isn't mutual. You don't have to be a b*tch to grandma but you shoudl be firm with her on this issue.
As a former smoker, I can certainly understand the need to smoke or the anxiety when you cannot smoke. However, never in a million years would I dare light up a cigarette in someone's home without an invitation to do so. And only if they were smokers themselves.
She can politely excuse herself to go outside and smoke or she can not smoke at all. Her choice. No other options.
Maybe when she arrives, you show her the designated smoking area outside. Maybe put an ashtray and a fan out there so she will be more comfortable.
I'm reading all your updates and I'm really not sure why you're expecting ANY rational response from her. You'll call her? She'll still come. You ask her to leave? She'll laugh and say "no". You don't let her in? SHe'll walk right past you.
It's CLEAR that this is what will happen.
So I agree- take her cigarettes from her. She smacks you? Yell out "ouch! Why did you hit me???". It starts an arguement? SO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Cripes- this woman has ALL the power because of exactly this - no one will REALLY do anything. Because "OH! She'll get mad". Well, no $hit.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. And if she does show up have someone ready to escort her out if needed. Put your foot down, this is about you AND your baby's health. She doesn't have the right to endanger your baby.
On a side note, if I had a family member or friend so inconsiderate they would be cut off. No one gets to f*ck with my baby's well being.
Exactly this. It may cause a fight but the health of your baby, and everyone else at the shower, is more important!
This. OP, you have gotten so much good advice already on here, and yet, you seem to still be sticking up for her or complaining about her. We get that you don't want her to smoke, but you need to make a decision: either put up with the smoke in the house, or tell her to leave (if she doesn't, call the cops like this PP said). Woman up.
And this.
I know you're only 18 and that she's your grandmother, but your health and the health of your unborn child is by far and away more important than whether or not she gets all butt-hurt and feels disrespected when you stand up and say no.
I'm glad your mother is telling her no smoking or she'll need to leave, but it doesn't sound like it'll be enough. I'd go ahead and prepare for a scene. I wouldn't even give her the opportunity to light up in the house--like a pp mentioned, I'd have her check the cigs and lighter at the door before she enters. If she still manages to somehow light up in the house, take it away from her and put it out. If she gets mad, so what; let her. I'm sure you wouldn't be the first person to piss her off, and I highly doubt you'll be the last. She'll live.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I'll tell you something that I wish someone told me as a young mom. I was taught to respect my elders, my aunt came up to me one day and told me that I should respect them, but that they should be respecting me as well. And that doesn't mean letting them walk all over you.
If she wasn't family, would you tolerate her bad behaviour? Probably not. There are rules in that household, and if she can't abide by them, she doesn't need to be there. Being family doesn't excuse sh!tty behavior. 18 is old enough to tell her to butt out. And you can do it without being up in her face. Good luck.
This...a zillion times!!!!
Be prepared for a scene...there will be one. Just because your mom is going to "talk to her" doesn't mean crap. Your mother has talked to her before and she just does what she wants. Unless this woman is like 90 years old then she can't be stupid...she knows very well what smoking does to kids, people with asthma and other health issues, etc. It's not like she lives under a rock. Obviously she has had her way for a looooong time. Time she got put in her place...regardless of where she "sits" in the family dynamics.
You could always see her light up and announce that the party is moving inside/outside (depending on where she is). You could loudly state "Since it's no longer for me to be safe in here due to X smoking, I will be moving outside/inside".
Other than that, I ditto ECB. Grow a pair and put your foot down or stop whining about it.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Whoever is hosting the party has the power here. They ask her to step outside to smoke, or leave. She can pitch a fit all she wants to the host. I would definitely be willing to be the "bad guy" and put granny in her place. She's the exception--kick her @$$ out (or don't even let her in) if she can't respect the space she's in.
As I said before, I've had to handle this issue with my parents. It's not easy, it's not fun, and there was resentment for a few years. This battle needs to be fought and won, but a baby shower is not a great battleground.
This. I'm 20 years old. And in my opinion, by the age of 18 you are an adult. If you chose to make adult decisions and partake in adult activities like (in my case) getting married and having children, then you should conduct yourself as a mature adult. The fact that you value respect of others, and take into consideration the comfort and well being of your guests and those around you implies that in every other area of life, you do conduct yourself responsibly. However, regardless of age, people who don't deserve respect, shouldn't get it. Point blank. If an 18 year old can show decency and respect, then an 80 year old women sure as h** can too. You are an adult, and you have every right to stand up for yourself and your child, and others around you.
OP, you have to come back and tell us how the shower was and if granny was on her best behavior or if she was trying to light up in the middle of the shower.
See, this is what happens, we never get follow-up stories.
I hope you had a nice shower.
This! I want the follow up!