Anyone's Mom or MIL making a visitation requirements for baby?

Sage4200 · July 2012

I got an email from MIL requesting that we come for dinner once a week so she can see her grandchild. I feel like thats a bit much considering we both work full time and want to enjoy spending time with him doing things as a family on the weekends.

Before I reply back I wanted to hear from you all. I was thinking of saying "We want to keep a routine during the week so with both of us worknig full time I think its more likely to do weekend dinners. Why dont we shoot for once a month?"

JennH28 · July 2012

Wow. That's a bit much. I think your response sounds great - laying out your reasoning, and offering a compromise.

ilovelife · July 2012

Every week? Yeah, that's a bit too much!!! I'd reply and tell her you'd rather talk to her face to face about this.

OceanLover26 · July 2012

What, she doesn't drive? Anyone that wants to visit our little guy can come right over...preferably not during napping hours, I do have toddlers.

Sage4200 · July 2012

OceanLover26:
What, she doesn't drive? Anyone that wants to visit our little guy can come right over...preferably not during napping hours, I do have toddlers.

I was kind of thinking that and then wondering if it was selfish of me. With all the baby gear and the 15 minute drive each way, it seems alot easier to have her come to my house.

klm1221 · July 2012

I'll go... we never see the grandparents as they are busy with their own lives. I'm the one that cooks and they will come here to eat instead.

tinyhumantoe · July 2012

auroraloo:
What makes her think she gets to make demands on your time?
And I wouldn't tell her "well you can come to me." Because then she will, and she'll just show up without invitation.
I'd tell her, "we are as excited as you are, and we fully plan on keeping grandparents very involved in LO's life. We aren't willing to make a time-consuming commitment right now, but anytime you call we'll let you know if it's a good time to come visit, and we will definitely be calling you to schedule visits to your home as well."

Yes Yes Beer

SoEnamored · July 2012

auroraloo:

What makes her think she gets to make demands on your time?

And I wouldn't tell her "well you can come to me." Because then she will, and she'll just show up without invitation.

I'd tell her, "we are as excited as you are, and we fully plan on keeping grandparents very involved in LO's life. We aren't willing to make a time-consuming commitment right now, but anytime you call we'll let you know if it's a good time to come visit, and we will definitely be calling you to schedule visits to your home as well."

This.

Manx4 · July 2012

I agree with Auroraloo - let her know now that she does not have the right to call "dibs" on you one night a week just so she can see her grandchild.

I'd let her know that family dinners sound great but you cannot commit to a regularly scheduled routine. Working full time, having a new baby and just having a life will eat up a lot of your time. When you have down time, sometimes the LAST thing you want to do is visit with anyone.

Keep it nice but firm, let her know there is no wiggle room on this "demand" of hers.

BlueIris82 · July 2012

auroraloo:
What makes her think she gets to make demands on your time?
And I wouldn't tell her "well you can come to me." Because then she will, and she'll just show up without invitation.
I'd tell her, "we are as excited as you are, and we fully plan on keeping grandparents very involved in LO's life. We aren't willing to make a time-consuming commitment right now, but anytime you call we'll let you know if it's a good time to come visit, and we will definitely be calling you to schedule visits to your home as well."

100% this.

blindvictory · July 2012

I think your response is great. Civil and logical.

My MIL is the same way. She told DH that we have to come spend the weekend at least once a month once the baby is born, and she's planning to come visit us once a week to see the baby. DH already agreed that we'd come visit that one weekend, and I was really ticked that he didn't ask me first. We go up there about that often already so he didn't understand why it'd be any harder to do with a baby. Um, because it's a 2.5 hour drive each way, and it's a lot more work to haul a baby and all their stuff around than it is to haul two adults.

DFWIndian · July 2012

We see my ILs once a week on Sundays after church. It was something that was established even when we were dating. I don't see my parents too much and if the demanded this I would be pissed. I would say we can come over once a month or maybe a little more, but every week is too much.

brideandbreve · July 2012

auroraloo:
I'd tell her, "we are as excited as you are, and we fully plan on keeping grandparents very involved in LO's life. We aren't willing to make a time-consuming commitment right now, but anytime you call we'll let you know if it's a good time to come visit, and we will definitely be calling you to schedule visits to your home as well."

That sounds like the best way to handle it.

It's cute and all to assume that you're going to be feeling up for weekly trips to grandma's house for dinner, but who knows how you're going to feel with a newborn? I wouldn't commit to anything.

numb3rMel · July 2012

I can seee my MIL doing this but not actually stating it out loud. She does this now. She guilt trips H all the time to come over every.single.weekend. I understand they're not far and she really enjoys spending time with us. I don't mind going over there and I really get along with her well. But sometimes it makes me want to scream that she's wants to monopolize our free time. I can only imagine it'll get worse when LO is here. As pp said, she's more than welcome to trek it over to our house to see LO anytime. But like you, I don't want to have any requirements on visitation.

EDIT: Rora FTW! She said it best.

Teresa and Family · July 2012

auroraloo:
What makes her think she gets to make demands on your time?
And I wouldn't tell her "well you can come to me." Because then she will, and she'll just show up without invitation.
I'd tell her, "we are as excited as you are, and we fully plan on keeping grandparents very involved in LO's life. We aren't willing to make a time-consuming commitment right now, but anytime you call we'll let you know if it's a good time to come visit, and we will definitely be calling you to schedule visits to your home as well."

Just a small thing, my MIL would call multiple times a day for the first month or so, although she used to only call weekly before baby. Just some food for thought.

OceanLover26 · July 2012

Sage4200:
OceanLover26:
What, she doesn't drive? Anyone that wants to visit our little guy can come right over...preferably not during napping hours, I do have toddlers.

I was kind of thinking that and then wondering if it was selfish of me. With all the baby gear and the 15 minute drive each way, it seems alot easier to have her come to my house.

I dont think its really selfish. I just thought it was odd that she's trying to set you up for weekly visits making you do all the leg work, and you will be fresh from birth, establishing feedings and sleeping and healing for the first month or so. I guess I also feel the way I do bc my MIL drives past our way to and from work everyday and never stops to visit the kids, and then complains to my husband "you guys never come over.." Its frustrating to load up 3 toddlers and drive 40 minutes (one way) being 33 weeks pregnant. She just doesn't get it. lol. Maybe like the others said you can tell her you guys will set up some here and there visiting dates so everyone is involved and gets to see the new baby. Good luck!

HRP22 · July 2012

Do they live close by? She may be thinking it will save you one night of cooking or something thus giving you some relaxation. Maybe..

If it was an informal dinner where we could get there, eat, and leave in under 2 hours, I'd probably see it as a break. If you have to sit around before and after dinner, it's just too much after a day of work. I'd probably request to do it once a month or ask her to come by your house once a week where she brings dinner (I'm thinking Thursday night pizza night or something).

JessAndTrav · July 2012

I think it depends on the relationship you have with your ILs. We see H's parents every weekend because we attend the same church, and I'm sure that Sundays will be a day that we spend with them so they can spend time with the baby. If H and I need to run errands, we may just let them watch LO so that they can have time with him and we can have time to do what needs to get done.

If you don't usually seem them weekly, I can understand being put off by her request, and I would definitely ask your H to handle it, since it's his mother, not yours.

I would probably just say something like, "We don't know what our schedules will be like once LO arrives, but once we get into a routine, we'll definitely find a way to make you a part of it."

kcalpin · July 2012

I wouldn't want to trek to my ILs house once a week and they only live 30 minutes away. They're welcome here whenever, but my MIL has limited mobility so we'll definitely make the effort to go to them once or twice a month for sure. Do you have to have dinner with them or can she maybe just babysit so you and hubby can have a date night?

melody921 · July 2012

I'd talk to your DH first and get everyone on the same page. But take it from me, weekly dinners are a PITA.

Before DS was born, we had weekly family dinners (one week with his dad and crew, the next week with his mom and her husband). It quickly got to be too much with an infant and then a toddler. We offered for people to come to our place instead so at least we'd be able to put DS to bed earlier, even if everyone hung out a little. But no one wanted to budge on the "routine." Never mind the fact that we were the ones making ourselves crazy with a LO to get there every week. We eventually just had to say, we can't do this. We are more like once a month now.

I say lay down the law now and don't commit to more than you want bc it's hard to get out of it w/o people taking it personally. I think once a month is more than fair for a set schedule. It's hard enough to commit one weekend with other things going on. I'm sure you'll see them in between too.

mlf625 · July 2012

Move away. Far, far away.

Or say what auroraloo said.

wannabigfam · July 2012

I think it's great to go ahead and set some parameters for visitation, b/c we've had issues w/ our in-laws calling us the day before and wanting to come spend the next day w/ us. They do this about once a month, and since my husband travels & our only family time is on the weekends, it is quite upsetting. When we only get 6-8 days together a month, to give up one of those is huge to me. I wouldn't mind it as much if they could give us more notice (like 2 weeks) because we end up canceling our family plans when they call on Friday and want to come Sunday.

My point is go ahead and speak up w/ what you think is fair for your family. Well, your husband should actually do the talking - just make sure you and your husband are on the same page. Maybe say something like "we can revisit this later once we get adjusted to having a child, but for now w/ our schedule we're happy to do dinner w/ you guys every 3rd Saturday of the month; but you're welcome to come over to play with baby ____ just give a call ahead of time so we can put it on the schedule" or something like that. That way she knows that 1) she's not invited to just drop by, 2) you want to have her be part of your life and the baby's life but 3) it needs to be on a schedule that works for your family.

Avoiding the confrontation is not worth the stress it will cause you to keep quiet about your feelings that once a week is too frequent. I know some people wouldn't think that's too much, but honestly I wouldn't be able to handle it.

mrs.kapow · July 2012

I think your response is fine. You may want a regular break from cooking and cleaning, but it all depends on your relationship with the ILs (which we know isn't awesome) and I'm not a fan of scheduling the regular dinners.

We do dinner at my parents probably twice a month, but they also come over if it's easier on us. It's definitely a two-way street and she will need to see that.

Sage4200 · July 2012

mlf625:

Move away. Far, far away.

Or say what auroraloo said.

I WISH!!! My husband has to great of a job

MarisaKathleen · July 2012

I think it depends on your relationship with your inlaws. You seem to have a lot of issues with yours, so I would probably stick with a response that was non committal, or have your DH work out some sort of schedule for a sunday afternoon lunch or something here and there.

It sounds from all of your MIL posts that if you commit to this now and have to cancel a week for whatever reason that it'll cause a bigger issue, so if it were me, I'd say no right off the bat.

Jessrof · July 2012

This sounds like something my MIL would expect of us. My BIL and his family eat at my inlaws every Sunday but we only go about once or twice a month and we do not plan on going any more so, especially when our travel involves two large furkids, a carseat and a honda civic. I agree that Aurora has worded it nicely, better to lay the groundwork now than later when you are a hormonal, exhausted mess.

hmp1 · July 2012

Your response sounds fine. If it were me, I would probably just let it go and see how things play out once the baby is here. I liked getting out of the house while on maternity leave and having someone else cook me dinner once a week would be welcoming. We also eat out once a week and if the grandparents lived near us, I would have no problems inviting them along. You could make it an every other week thing and leave LO with them so you and DH could have a date night and the other time stay and eat as a family.

Flamingemu · July 2012

My MIL has been telling me in an almost threatening way that she will be a part of my baby's life. I have never, not once, made any impression that she would have little contact with her so I really don't get it. She is just a nutbag. Luckily she lives 8 hours away so our contact will be minimal, but this is totally something I can see her doing if she were close by.

You are not being selfish in thinking that is too much. I like your response, but make sure to not leave it too open ended. You do not want her to start randomly coming over without notice or expecting visits from you more often.

Good luck!

Sage4200 · July 2012

MarisaKathleen:

I think it depends on your relationship with your inlaws. You seem to have a lot of issues with yours, so I would probably stick with a response that was non committal, or have your DH work out some sort of schedule for a sunday afternoon lunch or something here and there.

It sounds from all of your MIL posts that if you commit to this now and have to cancel a week for whatever reason that it'll cause a bigger issue, so if it were me, I'd say no right off the bat.

I feel like if I say no, Ill get accused of keeping the baby from her but I also dont want to make a commitment that Im not sure I can stick to. I think once a month is reasonable and that doesnt include family functions and holidays so it will probably end up being more. Im hoping once the baby is here she will be less criitical and judgemental of me since she will have the baby to focus on.

PhillyPhan · July 2012

Sage4200:

I got an email from MIL requesting that we come for dinner once a week so she can see her grandchild. I feel like thats a bit much considering we both work full time and want to enjoy spending time with him doing things as a family on the weekends.

Before I reply back I wanted to hear from you all. I was thinking of saying "We want to keep a routine during the week so with both of us worknig full time I think its more likely to do weekend dinners. Why dont we shoot for once a month?"

I'd be pissed. I think your proposed response is very civil and a lot nicer than I think her wording deserves.

CdnFarmGirl08 · July 2012

We will probably see my IL's once a week anyways- we go to the same church on Sundays and then often will head there for lunch. Things will be different once baby comes with naptime and routine. As over-bearing as my MIL can be, I can't see her demanding time though. But we will definately be seeing them more than once a month. (My DH also works with his dad on the family farm, so that does make it a bit different.)

With my parents, they only live about 4 minutes away and my sister lives there with her baby, so I'm sure I'll be over once or twice a week just for some sanity as my husband works long hours.

Shazzie116 · July 2012

I think a once a week dinner commitment is expecting a bit too much of new parents. What if you're having a tough night with LO and MIL just doesn't understand that you need to stay home and get some rest as a family?

I'd respond and say you're excited that she wants to spend time with her grandchild, and you will have plenty of visits at her house and yours, you just can't commit to something like that with a newborn.

FWIW, we have a 3.5 hour drive home to our families that we're planning on making every 4-6 weeks so our parents can see LO, but they are expected to come visit us on weekends as well. When I saw that you have a 15 minute drive both ways to see your in-laws, my first thought was "Really? That's not terrible." At least you don't have to pack overnight bags and make a weekend of it. You can hit it and quit it. If LO gets fussy or tired, you can get in the car and go home. I'd rather have that than be stuck for a weekend with a cranky baby.

diskogurl · July 2012

mlf625:
Move away. Far, far away.
Or say what auroraloo said.

Ha!! True.

Also, would you feel differently if this was your parents? We spend almost every weekend doing something with my parents because they live 5 minutes away. They leave 15 minutes away from my sister and her family (2 toddlers) and they drop on by regularly after work to "see the kids."

damabo80 · July 2012

How about your MIL come over once a week, and take the cooking upon herself? That way, you guys get a meal in your own house (I'm seriously laughing over the how easy it will be to pack LO up after working all day and schlep to MIL's house), and she gets to see her grand kid.

ericaryannejohns · July 2012

I have this same issue.

terri_doula2010 · July 2012

I actually laughed. How presumptuous of her! I mean, great that she wants to be involved, but if she is so interested then SHE can make an effort to see YOU!

wannabigfam · July 2012

Sage4200:
MarisaKathleen:

I think it depends on your relationship with your inlaws. You seem to have a lot of issues with yours, so I would probably stick with a response that was non committal, or have your DH work out some sort of schedule for a sunday afternoon lunch or something here and there.

It sounds from all of your MIL posts that if you commit to this now and have to cancel a week for whatever reason that it'll cause a bigger issue, so if it were me, I'd say no right off the bat.

I feel like if I say no, Ill get accused of keeping the baby from her but I also dont want to make a commitment that Im not sure I can stick to. I think once a month is reasonable and that doesnt include family functions and holidays so it will probably end up being more. Im hoping once the baby is here she will be less criitical and judgemental of me since she will have the baby to focus on.

Here's the thing - you can keep the baby from her. You don't have to have a reason why. It's your baby. Period. Not hers. She had her chance, now she gets to take whatever you give her in terms of time w/ the baby. So she can either cooperate w/ what you say is appropriate in terms of visitation or suck it up.

I think all these MIL's have issues b/c they know they weren't the best mom they could be and they want to relive through their grandchild. Why else would they be so freaking pushy? Ugh so frustrating.

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