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Baby Showers
AccioPizza
member
Shower question
AccioPizza
member
in Baby Showers
Ugh. Part of me wants to not be involved in this, but I can't help just feeling overall guilty about everything.
Basically, when I got married my MIL threw bridal shower in my husbsnd's hometown, while my mom threw one in my hometown. They mutually agreed that they wouldn't attend each other's showers because of the drive (about 3 hours).
My mom assumed the arrangements would be the same for the baby showers, but my MIL brought up my mom's shower and basically assumed she 'd be invited and had mailed an invite to my mom for hers. When I let my mom know, she seemed surprise but didn't really care much except to say 'well, she isn't going to want to stay overnight, is she? Because we won't have room.' (they just moved to a slightly smaller house.)
I let my hubby know abt that, and he told his mom she couldn't stay when she asked. I guess she plans to get a hotel room. But she is extremely sensitive and tends to over think things, and she's always worried about whether my mom likes her. (They have very different personslities, my mom is sort of the 'fun party mom.'
So, basically the problem is one of my friends was already planning to drive up with us and crash on a couch. Then another friend asked my mom if she could crash on the couch too. And now my cousin might do the same.
On top of that, I've realized one of my brothers will still be on a trip, so if my sister sleeps on a couch there actually would be a bed MIL could use. But I feel guilty asking my mom to go for that, because I know she doesn't really want MIL to stay. I suspect it's because she feels like she can't be herself in front of her, and/or some jealousy about us seeing MIL a bit more because she is closer. Even though she knows we LOVE visiting my fam and actually went on a long vacation with my parents last year.
I don't know, I sort of feel like leaving it alone but I just feel sure that it's going to be clear other people are staying and then MIL will chalk it up even more to my mom 'not liking her.' Ugh.
Advice??
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Shower question
I'm a little confused. There seems to be a lot of beds around.
I'd say stay out of it except your MIL already asked DH if she could stay with you guys, right? And he said no cause beds were full. Except now, not all beds are full? If I'm understanding that correctly, then I'd think about offering it all up. It's one night. It's for your MIL. And you like her.
But the whole situattion seems weird. Do you live with your parents? If not, just worry about your house, not your mom's.
We don't live with my parents, we live like four hours away. Since I've realized that my brother won't be there, my mom's reasoning that there aren't enough beds isn't really valid. But I suspect that my mom already realized that, and just doesn't want to have to entertain MIL that evening and/or just feels like she can't be herself around her. If it were my own house, I'd obviously offer up a bed. But I feel like we're in the middle because all the discussion goes through one of us, mostly my husband.
I just fear MIL will realize that there IS room, and then obviously take it personally that she wasn't invited to stay there like a few other people (who are crashing on couches) were. But I also feel like it's unfair to my mom to call her and try to insist that she invite MIL to stay at her house if she doesn't want to. But I also don't want my MIL's feelings to be hurt because I really like her and she's so sweet.
I swear, I can imagine this exact same situation happening in my family--My MIL really wants to be BFF's with my mom, and my mom just doesn't care to form a relationship with the woman. It can make things really awkward for me.
But their adults, and they can handle the relationship between the two of them without any interference from me. I think you should just let them work it out. Your MILs feelings might be hurt, but I'm sure any negative feelings will be directed at your mother and not you. I know how much it sucks, but I think it's just a part of merging families--sometimes things are going to be uncomfortable.
You need to stay out of this. Your mom has the right to not host your MIL, and your MIL actually doesn't have the right to assume she should be able to stay at your mom's house.
AND to add- it's your brothers room. HE shouldn't have to deal w/ people staying in his room while he's gone. It's not a guest room - it's his personal space.
So.... while you're stressing yourself out over should you pander to your MIL's feelings, you'd be stepping on 2 other people's toes. I understand your desire to not upset your MIL and that's nice - but it's not your job to play "emotions police". And you'd be putting TWO other people out for ONE person.
Honestly, if she figures it out and says something to you - I'd really wouldn't say much more than a shrug of my shoulders and a "Oh, I didn't realize brother wouldn't be there. But I don't know that my brother would be o.k. w/ someone staying in his room while he was gone.". Don't make it about your mom - just point out that it's actually someone's room and not the guest room.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm still confused and I'm not sure why. Which city is the shower in? Whoever owns the house should get to say who stays there. Since it isn't your house, I'd stay out of it.
I know my mom would never have a problem with my MIL staying...even though she really doesn't like her. Especially if she is making a 3 hour drive (which she would be since she lives actually even a little further then that).
What would your MIL do if the situation was reversed? If she would "for sure" offer a bed to your mom to save her the cost of a hotel then I would ask her if she would consider having her stay at her home. I mean, really, it is ONE night...not even a whole week-end. If your mom is adament then maybe your sister should stay in your brother's room so that would make it so there really wasn't a bed free.
I kind of wonder why your sister would sleep on the couch if your brother's bed is open. I've given up my kids' beds/rooms to guests many times and will continue to do so no matter how old my kids get. Yes, I realize it is "their" space but I own the house and if I want to be hospitable to my guests I will do so...even if that means my kids sleep on the floor in the familyroom. I was made to do the same when I lived at home. No one ever was made to pay for a hotel room when they came for showers/weddings/etc. It is just how our family is.
All out of town guests should expect to get their own hotel rooms unless specifically invited to stay at your mom's house.
Just be sure you don't exclude your MIL after the shower. Don't send her back to her hotel alone for the rest of the night while you, your mom and girlfriends have a girls night. If she is traveling to celebrate with you then you need to make sure she is included if everyone goes out to dinner afterwards or whatever.