new..lost my baby sunday @ 21 weeks..IC

amber7111 · July 2012

new here and really just need to type it out!! on the 6th i found out i was gonna have a sweet baby boy..on the 12th i went back to dr to have u/s read..waited for an hour in the waiting room just to see dr for 2 mins...she asked me when i was coming in for u/s i said i came in last week..she informs me she hasnt read my u/s but when she gets around to reading it she will call if she sees a prob..checked heartbeat ok see ya in 4 wks..that was last thurs...saturday me and my bf go to bru and do our registry i come home make dinner and am watching tv when i feel contractions..first thought oh wow braxton hicks already..i go to the bathroom pass a glob of clear slime..thats odd..call the dr she says if im not bleeding dont worry..ten mins later in bathroom again feel something bulging out of my vagina what the heck is that lay down bf calls 911 ambulance comes i get to the hosp lo and behold that bulging is my membranes..no blood still...dr puts me on meds to stop contractions (starts with e cant remember name) tilts my bed back and says now we wait...6 hrs later she checks me says i havent dilated anymore still at 2.5 cm..thats a good sign we are going to transfer you to baptist (hosp in nashville) dr there is going to try to do emergency cerclage..never heard of it..tells me what it is and can possibly break my water while placing it..talk about terrified...get in the ambulance and of course my contractions are back worse than ever..by the time we get to baptist they say give me epidural..bp drops i puke everywhere in the midst of puking there goes my water bag...i deliver my baby boy shortly after..lane andrew brooks 7.15.12 @ 3 33pm.... 15oz 11 in..most beautiful baby i ever laid eyes on..dr says IC is to blame..go back to my reg dr for postpartum visit in few days..i cant help but have a million ?S..what if this could have been prevented..she never looked at my u/s what if it shows open cervix on u/s..i could have went in that day and had cerclage and my baby might have had a chance..confused on action to take if indeed it shows on u/s and my dr didnt catch it cus she was too busy to look..i hate everything right now

foxxy1 · July 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Lane.

I had something very similar happen to me with my son, Ethan. Your story is very, very similar to what I went through. I was diagnosed with IC after the fact and I've wondered if they would've checked my cervix, if Ethan's early arrival would've been prevented. I honestly don't know and I've wondered from time to time.

Please know you're among friends here and there's no judgment. You can be yourself here and we all support each other. This thread might help you as you still process the feelings you're having:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66361040.aspx

*HUGS*

lrichmond86 · July 2012

I'm sorry to have to welcome you to this board and so VERY sorry for the loss of your little Lane. What you're feeling is very normal... all of the questions and what-if's, the unimaginable pain. While I hate to see anyone new on this board, I hope that you find some comfort from the other wonderful women here. This board has been a saving grace for me since I lost my son seven months ago and I hope that it is the same for you. If you have any questions, comments or if you just want to type out your feelings please do so! It's a long road that we're on and we all need all the support we can get! T&P to you, DH, and little Lane tonight!

amber7111 · July 2012

thanks..i wasnt sure what kind of feedback i would get here since i dont know all the abbreviations yet...i dont have time to lurk i have to get it out now before i explode..i have nobody to talk to i dont like talkin to dh about it cus he just says its ok we can try again ily...i know he means well but i have more to say than that and i want to hear more than that..my mama isnt much help either she says i have plenty of time to try again..that doesnt help it makes me want to choke her. i never noticed how many babies and pregnant women there are until i lost mine. and i feel like everybody is personally attacking me out in public or on fb...out with their babies or posting about their babies or pregnancy..i hate them all!! how dare they be happy when im so miserable. i know its wrong but the feelings are there...to top it all of babies r us called about 2 hours ago to see if i was satisfied with registry process..i hate the woman that called i wanted to choke her through the phone.

jbranden12 · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of you Lane Andrew. It is so hard when people say that we are young and can try again soon. We lost our first child, and she will always be our first child. We will always love and miss her.

Take the time you need. It is not strange or morbid to want to think and talk of your precious son. We are here to help you on this journey. ((HUGS))

pottermommy · July 2012

~~~~~~TICKER WARNING~~~~~~

Oh sweetheart. You are not a bad person or terrible for not wanting to see other "happy stories" when yours isn't.

You don't have to know the abbreviations on the site for us to care about you. You could have posted a million times or one and we still feel your sorrow and pain. This board is amazing with angel mama's from all points of the walk.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Little One and I hope you find all the love and support that you need.

philfemgal · July 2012

I am so, so sorry about your baby Lane.

I lost our second twin--Alice--at 18.5 weeks in a similar way. It was not IC, I went into pre-term labor. But they also mentioned the possibility of an emergency cerclage and my water broke before they could do it.

I am so sorry about what happened with your u/s and the doctor not reading it. I would definitely make sure that you find out at your follow up about that. It is natural to wonder what if and if things could have been prevented. I hope you get some answers.

karebear57 · July 2012

I am so so sorry for your loss of your percious boy Lane. We totally understand about needing to talk about what happened to our angels. It's something our s/o don't really understand b/c we carried them, we felt them growing and moving. Your hubby doesn't want you hurting so that's why he doesn't want to talk about what happened and says you could try again. He will come around, mine just started to. Before he was all don't wanna talk about it but I guess it's all hitting him now, he talks about Brianna more and how much he misses her. He will come around. In the meantime, we are all here and we understand how you feel. Again I am sorry about your loss of Lane.

HollyBee1022 · July 2012

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son Lane. I feel the same way about all the FB baby postings... I just stopped looking. I hope you find some answers at your next doctor's visit. I'm so sorry again about what happened.

weddedwife · July 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Lane. I lost my son at 22 weeks 4 days due to preterm labor. I think I lost my mucus plug 3 days before, went to get checked, cervix was still long & closed. Started having Braxton Hicks contractions a few days later which quickly escalated into real contractions. By the time I got to the hospital I was 4 cm dilated with the bag bulging. They said there was nothing they could do at that point and about an hour later my water broke and I delivered my son. He did not survive the delivery.

I really struggled and still sometimes do because they never knew why it happened. I still wonder about fhe what ifs but I try not to because none of it can change anything now.

Every emotion you are feeling right now is totally normal. To put it bluntly, what you went through f*ing sucks; every sucky emotion is unfortunately part of this process.

If others haven't already, I recommend the book "Empty Cradle Broken Heart", it really put a voice to lots of the things I was feeling.

Please feel free to vent here anytime- really, nothing is shocking to us and we've seen it all on this board. I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.

tuscanbride2007 · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, Lane. Know that this is a judgement free zone. I hope you find comfort here amongst these amazing and strong women!

((HUGS))

eroplane · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Lane. Big, big hugs.

themarquis0 · July 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious Lane.

My partner and I lost our baby, Alice, in a similar situation (PTL @ 18.5 weeks). My partner had had her anatomy scan the day before and her cervix measured a normal length. Based on this evidence, they later ruled out any possibility that there was a cervix problem.

Re: your concerns about your doctor not looking at the ultrasound (and you wondering if something could have been seen on it/little Lane could have been saved), your concerns are very valid and very real. We didn't deal with this situation exactly, but something kind of similar happened when the hospital where we delivered Alice screwed up the baby's autopsy (and the autopsy of Alice's twin, who died in utero at 14 weeks). For us, being able to hold the autopsies in our hands was both about gathering evidence (finding out what had gone wrong so it could possibly be prevented for the next time) and also about getting closure. We spent months trying to get the autopsy situation cleared up and in the end, after writing a very strongly worded email to the OB (I intentionally tried to use language that would scream 'litigation' to them even though we were never going to sue -- just to get their attention. For example, I said we were 'extremely distressed that the hospital has mishandled our babies' bodies') we did finally get that resolution we needed. Not only did it feel good to have that closure, but we also found out that Alice died because of a clot behind baby B's placenta. This was good news for us because it implied that the loss of the pregnancy was lost due to the fact that it was a twin gestation complicated by single fetal demise (rather than there being something wrong with my partner's body). This gave us the peace we needed to try again.

I know it wasn't exactly the same as what you are going through with the ultrasound, but based on our experiences, I would recommend following through about the issue with your providers. There may be a patient advocate for your OB/clinic/associated hospital who can help and be there with you when you sit down with the provider and the ultrasound and look at it together and talk about your concerns and feelings. It may help you get closure and it may help prevent this kind of thing happening in the future if the provider learns from her mistakes.

korinne3 · July 2012

Hey Lane's Mommy,

I became a member of thebump.com when I found out I was pregnant. My baby boys due date was November 10, 2012. I'd just begun to feel frequent kicks from him especially after I ate, I think he liked my diet:) I was told during my ultrasound at 21 weeks that my cervix was short. This was a Thursday. Saturday I found out that I was having a boy! Just what I wanted, my family and friends through a gender reveal party something I'd never heard of but went along with. Monday I found out I had two options because of my short cervix 1) a cerclage which my doctor highly recommended; 2) referral to a high risk pregnancy doctor. Since the cerclage was highly recommended I decided to do it. The following Saturday I received the cerclage and it was an uncomfortable experience but it was for my baby. The next day my baby boy, Kingston, decided he was ready to come. He was born 1 lb 2 oz July 15, 2012, same day as your baby boy. He fought hard for three days before his heart stopped. The medical staff at Childrens Memorial Hospital in Chicago performed CPR on him for at least 30 minutes. I know it is natural to be angry, sad, depressed, bitter, and many other emotions that try to creep in...but two things may help you cope. 1) Trusting God is one thing that is helping me, all little babies go to heaven, and this was all a part of his plan. We will NEVER understand it, but it will definitely allow us to get better over time. 2) Crying. I have cried multiple times, I have mostly been in the bed, because no matter what we did just have babies and our bodies have gone through plenty of trauma. The first night I had to spend withough him, I thought I was gonna die, my body felt weird, I had a headache, My neck and lower back were stiff from the epidural I think. I couldn't sleep. But whenever I want to...I cry. I think about all of the things I wanted to teach him, wanted to say to him, everything. Allow yourself that and I hope that relieves your anger and eventually gives you peace.

Kingston's Mommy

Bayberry12 · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little Lane. I wish you didn't have to be here, but sadly I welcome you.

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. All the questions, the sadness, the anger. I hope you can find some comfort here.

Mrs Nice · July 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of baby boy Lane. Many hugs to you!

dandywarhol · July 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little son Lane. We lost our daughter at 21w due to a placental abruption. I hope the ladies of this board can help you find some moments of peace and calm.

sebailey6 · July 2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of you precious baby boy. I can definitely relate in some ways because we lost our baby girl on Thursday July 19th, so it's all very new and painful.

If you want to talk, please pm me. If not, I understand that as well. Please take care of yourself....be good to yourself. That includes not beating yourself up about something you didn't even know about.

lots of love and prayers your way!

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