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Natural Birth
kingscross270
member
Thinking this is the best place to post (support needed)
kingscross270
member
Basically this post is about midwives, I'll try to make this short and sweet.
Im a FTM and am planning on a home birth with our midwife, both my DH and I have made this decision. Im trying not to get to focased on a home birth because I don't want to me to dissapointed if it doesn't work out that way.
ANYWAY, from the start of this pregnancy I've had issues with my mother (pls know Im a grown woman, married, with a home and bills of my own for the past 4 years) the comments started when I told her we had a midwife, and these are some of them "I don't like the idea of you having a midwife" - "you are NOT having a home birth" - (telling her Im cloth diapering) "well when baby comes to my house they will wear pampers" yes I've responded with "well sorry but this is not your baby, not you choice"........last night was kind of my last straw when she said this to me "Midwifes are under educated, they have no medical background" and "you have to be careful with midwives because they really just want to me OB's" Im so fed up I was in tears last night, I wrote a nasty email to her basically saying I would no longer discuss my pregnancy or child birthing choices with her, that when the baby comes my husband will call her and my dad and that I will deside when they can come a visit, my husband stopped me from sending it and told me to sleep on it, which I did, and Im still fuming.
I guess Im just really looking for support from other moms out there who have had home births or are planning one as well as moms who have a midwife (or had in past)
Thanks for listening!
T
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Thinking this is the best place to post (support needed)
I used a CNM in a hospital with #1 and #2. Both my mother and father gave me a hard time about it, saying I needed to see a real doctor in order to do what is best for my baby. My parents also had a problem with me using a family doctor for my kids instead of a pedi. Whatever.
With #3 I had a homebirth. When I told my mom she flipped on me. She said I was being irresponsible. So I gathered some info for her and gave her a copy of the Business of Being Born to watch. She eventually came around and while she said she didn't agree with the choice, she respected it and would keep her mouth shut. She ended up being present at my HB and afterwards told me that she was happy I had decided to have one (because the outcome wouldn't have been the same at the hospital).
My best advice for you is to give her info to educate her. That puts the ball in her court. She can either read it and learn or ignore it and continue being ignorant. Regardless, just make it clear that this is your baby and that her opinion doesn't matter. Don't discuss your birth choices with her.
And a word of advice for the future - I would keep your childcare decisions to yourself too. If she already said she isn't going to respect your wishes on things like diapering, you can be sure she isn't going to respect them on the bigger issues like discipline, diet, sleep, etc. Until she can prove that she does, I just wouldn't give her an opportunity to do something with your child that you disagree with.
Good luck.
You don't have to send an email informing her of these things.
You need to just do them. Stop telling her. Don't invite her over until after you've had the baby. Cut her out. If she asks questions, just say "I'm not interested in talking about that until you can respect my decisions."
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This. But instead of "I'm not interested..." I would just tell her "DH and I are still deciding that/have already decided that and want to keep it between us." or for my mom, I'd probably call her on it and say "Are you going to tell me that my answer to this question is wrong if it's not what you would do? Because if so, I'm not answering."
But my mom and I are like that.
First Child born
5/5/14 and 6/5/14
11/14
Chemical Pregnancy
9/5/15
Second after severe bleeding for 18 weeks due to subchorionic hematoma
Expecting Number 3 due 10/31/2020
This. Seriously, quit talking about it, even if she brings it up--you don't have to justify your decisions to her. My parents don't like the idea of going with a MW or delivering outside of a hospital, but they know I'm doing it anyway. When they used to bring it up, I'd simply say that our decision has been made and that was that. Haven't heard a peep since the beginning of the 2nd tri.
I've tried the information route but she basically refuses to read anything, or do any of her own research....Shes been a nurse for 30+ years, which okay, yes your a nurse but you never worked in L&D and times are a hell of alot different then back when you started.....SHES under educated on current practises and qualifications.
Ive told myself in the past few months when this has happened that I need to stop talking about it with her, but then I think a part of me really wishes I COULD talk to my own mother about these things, you want to have that relationship with your mother when your becoming one yourself no? I guess thats my unreal fantasy. So when she would bring it up again, I would give it another shot and talk. Guess it was a mistake. I just feel now I should distance myself from her, limit contact with her in person and over the phone.......It makes me sad saying that but really I think its best.
I'm surprised that my parents didn't keel over from heart attacks when I told them I was using a MW.
They seriously thought that I would die during childbirth if I didn't go with an OB and threw out the "MWs are uneducated" card as well, why wouldn't I want to use all the benefits of modern medicine, blah blah blah. I was pissed, not because they had an opinion on the matter, but because their opinion was completely unfounded. They did no research on MW's and had a no idea what they were talking about.
We had a couple back and forth arguments about it but they know how stubborn I am and that they could never change my mind. I found that emailing them articles about the benefits of MWs and why women choose them over OBs to be helpful.
I wouldn't send the email since it's either going to cause an email battle or a phone call. Next time you talk and this is brought up say that this is your decision and it's not up for discussion. If she brings it up again, ignore it. I know it's easier said than done but you don't need to be stressed out over this. GL.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. I can completely understand wishing that you could have that ideal relationship with your mother and be able to talk to her about becoming a mother without her picking apart your every decision. I have btdt. I actually haven't talked to my mother (or father since he blindly supports every abusive thing she does) in 2 1/2 years. It was a hard decision, but it was past time to make it.
I'll share my story and try to keep it brief. We were living with my parents when we had our first (my husband was working for their business as the only employee, and room and board in their giant house was part of his VERY meager pay). When I announced that I wanted a natural birth, she was very condescending and told me that I should just get the epi like she did. It was wasn't important to be med-free, blah blah blah. No research on her part, TONS of research on mine, knowing full well that there were cons to the med birth. Birth-day came and she was at the hospital with us. I wanted to hold on to my dream of a med-free birth, but I was induced because my water broke and I didn't realize I could refuse. In the end, with only my poor husband supporting me to go natural, I got an epidural. My mother wasn't pleased with my decision to bf either, she wanted me to stop at 3mo like she did with me so that she could feed my baby. She used to get SOOO angry at me that my son wouldn't take a bottle (we tried dozens of kinds with ebm) and she acted like it was her right to come home from work and have my son to herself the rest of the evening. By the time he was 9mo, both my parents were making comments about him still nursing and saying "isn't he a little old for that?" like it was disgusting or child abuse. They also were very disapproving of our decision to cosleep. When we started cloth diapering too (when he was 2 1/2yo), she made nasty comments about that too and how they only cd'd me because they couldn't afford sposies.
When I was pg with #2, I was desperate not to have a repeat of #1's birth experience (ugh, that is the worst hospital on the face of the earth with the meanest nurses and doctors). I started checking out a birth center, but ended up not really liking it. Around 31w I started investigating unassisted birth and fell in love and had a peace about it. I tried talking to her about it, and she told me in no uncertain terms that it was a dumb decision. In the end, I wasn't persuaded to uneducated side and decided to u/c. She was visitting and woke up about 20m before the baby came. She was upset, but went with it. When she called my dad later, he said that he would have carried me to the car over his shoulder if he was there. My husband made sure he knew that was an inappropriate statement.
When #2 we made the idiotic choice to go on camping trip with my parents. On the 3rd day, my mother screamed at me alone first, and then my husband when he got back to camp for at least an hour. Police were called by other campers because she was hysterical. She called me a psycho for my parenting choices, and just tried to strong arm me to her side. She had also said sometime during that same year that someone who parented the same way we did should have CPS called on them.
We didn't tell them we were pg with #3 for a while, and we didn't tell them when I went into labor. I wanted her no where near our house for that. We ended up sending them a text message a few hours after he was born, and they came over for a little while that night. Things never really got back to the way they used to be, but that's because I got stronger and was more willing to stand up for myself. When #3 was a little over 1yo, she blasted me in front of my children for something completely stupid, and I decided then and there that things had to change. I couldn't keep living that way. I encouraged her to get counseling (she was abused as a child, and she repeated the circle by abusing me as a child and an adult). She refused and said it was me who needed it. A month later I met with my dad and told him that she was no longer allowed near my children or myself. We invited him to be a part of the kids lives, but he refused and called me names and said I'd ruined the family. For the first few months, he would show up at my house while he knew my dh was at work and would pound on the door demanding to be let in. I sent them a letter saying I would call the police the next time it happened (after having called the police to see what I could do). They finally moved a few states away. They still send things to us about once a month, including Bible verses about forgiving and veiled comments to the kids about how much they love them and they don't understand why we won't let them come around. Of course we don't show the kids. It sucks for my kids, but it's better for them to have no gparents than to watch their mother be abused and to learn that it's ok to treat people that way.
I hope your story has a happier ending than mine does. I had a complete meltdown last weekend (yay hormones) because I was so sad that I had no mother to share my pregnancies with and the love of my children. But that's life. We TRIED over and over and over again to make boundaries with my parents, but my mother is boundary proof and has no respect for me whatsoever. My suggestion, lay down the law RIGHT NOW and stick to it. Don't let her have the tiniest misstep because she will take over your life if you let her. One day you'll wake up and realize that your kids listen to your mom and not to you (like we'd be at the grocery store and I'd say no to cookies, but she'd get them anyway for them) and you'll wonder what the heck happened. Be strong and know that you're doing your best to preserve a HEALTHY relationship and that the ball is in her court at this point. If she decides she can't handle your terms, then it's on her head that the relationship can't continue.
Pm me if you ever want to talk. It sucks. I'm sorry.
Me too - family / friends / coworkers didn't know. I think I only told 3-4 people. It was much better for me not to have their negative energy. Good luck, this is a very tough situation.
I went through the same thing with my mom. She is also a nurse and was uneducated about homebirth and how it is safe for a healthy low-risk pg. It was disappointing not to have her cheering me on. I remember being in that place of knowing I didn't need her to agree with me, but wishing that she would be supportive anyway. Luckily for me it got better with time. I gave her some info, gave her my mw's number to call to ask any questions, which she did (respectfully). That seemed to ease her mind. HB still wasn't her fave choice but she was at least supportive.
So, come on here and surround yourself with like-minded people who know that your choices are not crazy talk!
The only people who know we decided to go with home birth are our MW, our therapist and my MIL. I had to tell MIL because we need her to be there to take care of DS #1. It was really strange for her considering she is also a nurse, but .. she respected our decision and held her hesitation back. I took her to my last appointment and she saw the care I was receiving and asked questions, I think she feels much better about it.
My mom does not care to know anything about this pregnancy, so she knows not a thing.
Try not to share your plans with those who you know will not understand and will not be respectful enough to keep their $.02 to themselves. As far as your parents, if they do not want to be informed, you cannot make them. You can keep them out of your life because they are stressing you out and it is bad for you. GL !
I was a FTM that had a home birth,
One of our best decisions? We didn't tell our moms we were having the baby at home until after my water broke. No time for the what ifs and ignorant panicked lectures about safety (my MIL, bless her, was an RN). Actually, only 2 or 3 people even knew we were thinking about having the baby at home.
DS's birth was quiet (yes, really! until the last 10 mins), low key and private. It was an amazing bonding experience with my husband. Our son was born very alert and in great health. I had an easy recovery and when family visited that evening they were blown away that I was walking around and hadn't taken anything - not even a Tylenol.
As PP recommended, cut her out. What is it Dr. Phil says? You teach people how to treat you. Your mom needs to learn to respect your decisions. She doesn't have to agree with them but she has to respect them.
Ugh, why do parents/family put such pressure on us! I have had family make comments like "You're just not capable of a natural birth". Gee. Thanks for the inspiration!
I've had folks give me a "look" when I mention cloth diapering (it's on our registry so it's not like I can keep it a secret lol).
I was sooo afraid to tell my mom (an RN who attends all my sister's births) that we were getting a doula. To my surprise, she is super excited and supportive and not threatened at all. But it could have gone differently!
I say it's wise to stop discussing the details with your mom if she's not showing support for your parenting decisions. You're right, this is your baby... she really doesn't need to know a lot of these details anyway (but she does need to learn to respect your decisions when you bring baby to visit).
This, until recent changes made me change things up a bit. She knew I was using a midwife but didn't know or need to know any additional details. I would honestly send the email. You need as much positive support as possible and to be in a good frame of mind. The only way you can do this is to surround yourself with supportive people. You're not asking her permission so she doesn't need to give her two cents unless something good is going to come out of it.
Hugs. I too have distance relationships with my parents for the past decade.
They both did some thing ten years ago that was harmful to my marriage. They accused my husband of being a danger to the kids. Lucky, we got the allegation unsupported. Both of my each parents got to see our kids once in the past ten years. My parents are divorce. They came to my state at two separate times. When we met with them, it at neutral locations: My dad at a park, My mom at Downtown Disney. I do mourn the lost of relationship with my parents.
About unassisted birth: Good for you for doing unassisted birth! I have had a few unassisted births myself (including a set of twins).
Birth is safe as life gets - Harriette Hartigan
When I planning on my first home birth eleven years ago, my dad was afraid I would die in labor. My mom was supportive. My mom (and my sister) went to one of my prenatal appointments. My sister watched my oldest while I was in labor.
(Of course (if you read my earlier post) that was before the time when "the *** hit the wall" a year after my first home birthed was born.)
With my first home birth, once I knew my dad wasn't supportive, I stopped sharing my birth plans with him until my 2nd son was born.
Birth is safe as life gets - Harriette Hartigan
Pretty much sums it up. Our families are also not entirely supportive and I've heard some of these same things (freakishly, almost verbatim) from them. I decided to pick and choose what gets discussed and such. I made one concession: CD. I wanted to go a specific route but since multiple family members who will be providing care when I go back to work aren't very comfortable with that route I switched to diaper covers that hold disposable liners and found 100% cotton liners to use with the covers. That has been my one concession.
If you can't stop yourself from responding to her comments try this and leave it alone afterwards, "this isn't midwifery in the 1600s, it's midwifery in 2012 with all of it's technological advances." You aren't birth in a field, you're birthing in your home.
I was going to say pretty much exactly this. Arm yourself with information. My mom flipped when I told her I was using a midwife...and we were having a hospital birth! I invited her to appointments with me and told her everything I knew about midwives and in the end she came around. We also had these same issues with breastfeeding and our choice to not circumcise our son....I just gave her all of the information I had and eventually she was on board. I think our moms just want whats best for us and what's best for their grandchildren. If she continues to be negative to the point that it stresses you out just tell her you are going to make these decisions with or without her support and if she chooses not to support you you will chose not to include her. Simple as that.