My support system isn't being very supportive

RedPhoenix625 · July 2012

I have kept those close to me in the loop about all of our struggles since the very beginning, even before they were struggles yet. Everybody has been mostly very supportive through it all, and I have really been extremely lucky to have the support that I have had. But now they are all disappearing. Dropping like wildflies. And I am feeling really resentful toward them right now.

When we got our beta results on July 9th and found out about our 5th CP, I called my mom (who would speak with my grandma and my closest aunt), my sister, and emailed my three closest friends. Not one person has called me since then. I got brief email responses from my friends, but really?

Am I being unreasonable here? I'm not trying to be an AW; that's not what this is about at all. But I do need some TLC right now, and it really hurts that not one person has even thrown me a text to make sure we're all right after everything we've been through.

I also know my hormones are probably rioting, so maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is. And I know they all have busy lives. But I am hurting right now for sure.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, ladies. Any insight would be appreciated. Hope you all enjoy your Fridays!

JennOH85 · July 2012

I'm sorry you're hurting this way and that your "support system" isn't living up to their name.The loneliness of loss is so painful.

Some people are good at comforting and supporting others, and some people just, well, aren't. If they don't know what to say, they think it's best not to say anything at all. Sometimes it's because they take on others' problems as their own and just become overwhelmed themselves. I'm not trying to make excuses for these people by any means, I'm just relaying how I've seen it play out in my experience.

I've been really shocked by some of the people in my life who just vanished when things got hard. I guess I never knew them as well as I thought. At the same time, I've grown closer to a few close friends and family members and I'll be forever grateful for the kindness and comfort they showed.

Know we're here for you. ((hugs))

lindsayanne14 · July 2012

So sorry you are feeling neglected! I know what you mean and I try to remember that most people are very caught up in their own lives most of the time. Not that people don't care or don't want to support you, but it's kinda similar to what happens when someone dies. When it first happens people are all around, helping, cooking, comforting, but little by little those people go back to their life and the family is sort of left alone. I personally try to give some slack to friends and extended relatives, I try to remember that even though they aren't constantly calling and checking in that they do care about me and I could call them if I need to. My mom is a little different, If I was in your situation my mom would be there as much or as little as I needed her, without hesitation. I also realize that not everyone has the type of relationship with their mom that I have with my mom. Sorry you are hurting...feel better soon, (((hugs)))!

RedPhoenix625 · July 2012

lindsayanne79:
So sorry you are feeling neglected! I know what you mean and I try to remember that most people are very caught up in their own lives most of the time. Not that people don't care or don't want to support you, but it's kinda similar to what happens when someone dies. When it first happens people are all around, helping, cooking, comforting, but little by little those people go back to their life and the family is sort of left alone. I personally try to give some slack to friends and extended relatives, I try to remember that even though they aren't constantly calling and checking in that they do care about me and I could call them if I need to. My mom is a little different, If I was in your situation my mom would be there as much or as little as I needed her, without hesitation. I also realize that not everyone has the type of relationship with their mom that I have with my mom. Sorry you are hurting...feel better soon, (((hugs)))!

Thank you both for your responses and for helping to level my head with this. I know everybody is caught up in their own stuff. Two friends just moved into new houses, one with a 20mo daughter, another friend is trying to sell their home and has an open house soon, etc. They are all busy. I know this. Which somehow partly stings more for me, knowing that other people are moving forward with their lives even though I can't. We are stuck here. We have put off buying a house because we don't know if we will need that money to make a baby. Everybody's lives are carrying on and moving forward. And I just feel stationary. Left in the dust.

Wah. I'm just over-sensitive today. Thanks for letting me be a whiny brat Stick out tongue

KikiCohen · July 2012

I'm sorry that those who you need the most aren't giving you the support that you need. The only family member we have that continually asks about how we're doing is my mom. I don't know if it's b/c other people don't care or if they just feel uncomfortable talking about our loss. Either way, it doesn't make me feel better.

I hope that your support system starts living up to what they're supposed to. You know we're all here for you!!

Julesg22 · July 2012

It sucks when it feels your support system is falling away...I kinda felt similarly when time started passing after my m/c. It seemed like at first everyone was super sympathetic, (calling & checking on me & sending cards) but over time it seems like people just start forgetting. That's what we are all here for here! Of course it's in the forefront of all of our minds since we are all in these unique situations with experiencing loss & TTC. I hope you find comfort & strength where its needed

wymm37 · July 2012

I'm sorry to hear that you're not getting the support you need - I think most of the time when people don't know what to say, they think it's best to say nothing at all. I think it's especially difficult with miscarriages because we just don't talk about them and it's almost taboo. The only people in my life who know about our losses (my parents and two close friends) have struggled with infertility or had miscarriages themselves, so I think it's easier for them to know what to say, and they have been supportive.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and hope you are able to get some of that support on here!

psychmajormom · July 2012

I'm sorry they aren't being there for you sweetie. ((((huge hugs))))

Bizzy80 · July 2012

nola78:

I agree with everything that PPs have said. I think my friends fall into two main types -- those who 'get it' (a very small number) and those who don't, and therefore can't support because they just don't know how. Deep down, their hearts are good, but it just doesn't always translate. It's hard to see that, and I've definitely distanced myself from some of these people. In some instances, I've brought up the topic myself and found that people were more supportive once I almost forced the issue. They were afraid to address it, but were comfortable with letting me vent.

(((hugs)))

This is worded so perfectly and I truly believe this is how many of my friends and family are. They are not trying to be mean spirited but simply don't get it and do not know how to be supportive and instead say nothing at all. I have a few people in my life who truly get it. OP, I'm really sorry your support system has not been very supportive lately. We are here for you! ((HUGS))

RedPhoenix625 · July 2012

Thank for your responses. I know everything you are saying, I guess just needed to be reminded. I know they love me and care. I know they don't know what to say. I know their lives don't revolve around my MCs the way mine seems to. I'm glad I can come here when I'm feeling alone and sad. Thank you for that.

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