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Oh, my mother...

lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
in Late Term and Child Loss
Well, it finally happened... I had it out with my mother today.  She's never been good at communicating or problem solving, so I'm pretty used to that.  But today she freaked out over an off-handed comment that I made about not feeling well (apparently I should just pretend that I feel great all the time).  It was enough to set her off to the point of slamming cupboards, stomping around the house, throwing dishes in the sink and giving me the silent treatment.  Since I was babysitting my niece I tried to ignore this, but after a while I said screw it, set my niece up with a project and confronted her about it (in a room away from my niece, of course).  After not answering me for several minutes, she finally said "you have no idea how hurtful your tone can be."  This really got to me because since we lost the baby I've been working really hard to improve my relationship with my mom, walking on eggshells so that I wouldn't upset her and IGNORING all of the hurtful and insensitive things that SHE said to ME.  I then started listing the many hurtful remarks she has made regarding our loss.  I finished by reminding her that she is my mother, and that she should be supporting me during what has been the most difficult time of my life, not the other way around.  When I was done she stomped upstairs and yelled down to me that she had no intention of trying to repair our relationship any longer and that if I didn't come to the house any more that was fine.  This really bothers me, but if I'm honest, I feel a little better to have gotten that off my chest and a little bit proud for sticking up for myself.  I probably sound awful talking to my mother this way, but it has followed years of reverse parenting... for as long as I can remember I've been the grown up and she's been the child.  The reason I'm posting here is because I know many of you ladies have had issues with certain family members since your loss and figured some of you might relate.  Hopefully this all just blows over, but in the mean time I think I'll take some time for me and DH to focus on each other and not on the drama of our families.  Even with all we've been through, thank goodness for him!
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Re: Oh, my mother...

  • pottermommypottermommy member

    I am sorry that your mother is not being supportive.  It has to be impossibly painful to do this without her.

    But if she is going to expect you to be the strong one for everyone else than I agree with you, you do not need that.  You need love and support right now you don't need to be holding others up.

    Huge hugs and I am proud of you for standing up for yourself.

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  • WilliamandshawnnaWilliamandshawnna member

    I am so sorry that you had to go through such pain with your mother. But am glad for the time you are spending on you and your husband. And, I must agree, I do not know what I would have done without my husband around. It is amazing the strength they give us in their own ways.

    TTC #1 since 10/2010 RE consult 6/2011 PCOS (known) MFI IVF #1 w/ICSI 2/2012 BFP TRIPLETS our angels grew wings at 19.5 weeks 6.25.12 IVF #2 2/2013 Sono shows tissue Hysteroscopy needed Changing RE www.chasingstarsisbettertogether.com Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers ~~~all welcome~~~
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  • weddedwifeweddedwife member

    Sounds like you did the right thing. From what you describe your mother is behaving like a selfish child. My mother and I also have a strained relationship at best, and it got really bad after our loss. She didn't support me either so I know what that feels like.

    If my mother said something like that to me, to stop coming to her house, I would seriously take her up on it! Some relationships are not worth repairing. I know she is your mother but just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she's the supportive and compassionate mother you want. Has she ever been? You can't change people unfortunately.

    Only you can decide if what you get out of this relationship outweighs all the drama & struggle. If its not then you have to decide if your time is better spent with people who reciprocate in a relationship. I know this is a hard thing to get past because "she's my mother" but... Would you put up with this behavior from a friend?

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  • lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
    imageweddedwife:

    Only you can decide if what you get out of this relationship outweighs all the drama & struggle. If its not then you have to decide if your time is better spent with people who reciprocate in a relationship. I know this is a hard thing to get past because "she's my mother" but... Would you put up with this behavior from a friend?

    I absolutely would NOT put up with someone else behaving this way.  It is difficult to get past the "mom" think, and I don't have any issues with my dad, but unfortunately if I decided to end a relationship with my mom I'm quite sure that it would end my relationship with him as well.  

    Ugh.  Good thing I'm seeing my counselor today!

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  • jbranden12jbranden12 member
    I'm glad you are able to step back and see this relationship for what it is. This way, you stand up for yourself and hopefully reduce the amount of anger and pain you feel as a result of her words and actions. But I'm happy you can take time to focus on your relationship with your DH!


      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
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