- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
jackieo1309
member
So frustrated- dear BM letter
jackieo1309
member
in Adoption
I'm going to apologize in advance for my complaining, because that's likely what most of this post will be. We've been working on our dear birthmother letter/profile and are SO frustrated with this. I understand that this is not like anything we've ever written and am grateful to have some guidance from our agency on how to write this and how to word things so they aren't offensive or presumptuous. However, I can't help but feel like this letter sounds nothing like us anymore. And we're at the point now where there don't need to be any major edits, and I'm literally arguing grammar rules over email (she suggests changes to our letter that are not proper grammar, and I have to go try to explain why that's not correctly worded). Then there are the edits that are just unnecessary. For example, changing "...so excited to take our child bike riding" to "...so excited about taking our child bike riding". If I'm missing something here, please explain it to me. But I am just so annoyed at the fact that we're having to edit ridiculous things like this, and that THAT is what's keeping us from be actively waiting. Everything else is done. I sent an email after the last set of suggested edits came back to us because I needed clarification on some of the comments. I was in tears in the airport yesterday when DH and I were flying home because I can't get my questions answered and I'm so sick of dealing with this. And we've been working on this for over a month now because it has been taking so long to get feedback. And then I open FB this morning and there's another surprise pregnancy announcement. With twins. I know I sound incredibly bitter right now, and I don't mean to. I'm just so frustrated with everything right now, and annoyed that everything has to be so difficult. I do have a phone call with our SW today but I'm not sure it will really get us anywhere. I'm curious what kind of guidance/guidelines everyone received while writing their dear BM letter. But I think more I just needed to complain to someone who has any idea what this is like. Sorry 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So frustrated- dear BM letter
Our agency specifically said not to stress so much over verbiage. They said that alot of times e-moms use pictures to choose more than anything. I sent them my letter 2 weeks ago and have not heard any feedback yet. I'm guessing no news is good news on that front, and that they liked it, but we'll see.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. Maybe it would be better to just discuss all of the changes over the phone with the person working on it one time and get it finalized that way?
Good luck to you. You are almost there!
Remember this is YOUR letter, not the agency's. The suggestions they offer should be just that, suggestions. Arguing about the words "to" and "about" are ridiculous on her part. Write your letter the way you want. Some of their suggestions are going to be good - use those. Other suggestions you need to toss because they just aren't you.
On the proper grammar thing - while technically we should all strive to use good grammar, sometimes conveying your message the way you speak, rather than according to proper writing rules, works well. But again, if it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it.
Finally, what the other ladies are saying is true. BMs use all sorts of things to decide. Maybe they read the letter, maybe they don't. I hear all the time, "Someone picked this couple because they showed a picture of themselves with a dog, bird, boat, kite, etc." I very rarely hear that a couple was picked because they wrote an outstanding letter, although it does happen.
The bottom line is, if you aren't happy with it, don't use it. If your SW is being too pushy, tell her to back the hell off. This is about promoting yourself. While these SW certainly have a lot of great insight on how BMs sometimes choose, YOU have to be happy with the way you are promoting yourself. YOU have to be reflected in that letter. If that letter isn't you, the BM could potentially pick you based on a false sense of who she thinks you are, and that could cause problems later on down the line. SWs readily admit they don't know it all when it comes to how BMs choose, so why let your SW push you around and stress you out, right? (Besides, you've got other things to worry about, like "Does this picture make my butt look fat?" or "Wow, that is a great picture, but DH, you should have put some Windex on that zit!" I hope you are laughing right now....this is my awkward attempt at inserting some humor...)
As for the pregnancy announcements, I'm with you! I've got enough pregnant friends to fill several maternity wards. It hurts. A lot. Just know that we are all here with you and you can complain to us anytime. Let it out here. We all do, sometimes multiple times. And it feels good to let it out with people who totally get it, even if you can't see our faces or feel our hugs.
Good luck! Don't compromise! Try to relax, because while this is all hard and stressful, it should also be a time of hope and positiveness....you guys are going to have a new addition to the family at some point!!! That is AWESOME!
This is all the information we were given about the dear birthmother letter:
"Address the letter with "Dear Birthmother," yet keep in mind that the birthfather may be reading also. Feel free to express your love and concern for the birthmother. Communicate genuinely to the birthparents about your personality, lifestyle, and parenting philosophy. You may mention your infertility in a positive light, perhaps sharing something good that came out of this experience. Many couples will have two letters, one from the husband and one from the wife.
You may want to describe each other. Tell the birthmother about your spouse and why you fell in love with him/her. Many birthmothers choose to work with our agency because they want a Christian couple to raise their child (even if they are not Christians), therefore you may choose to write about how your faith in the Lord is incorporated into your lives.
Share how a child will fit into your family, and about how much your parents and other family members are looking forward to a new addition. Share if the child will be the first grandchild. If you already have children, share about what it will mean to have another addition to the family. Share aspects of your life that can help the birthparents see what kind of life their child will have, and to see you as the solution they are seeking. Finally, sign your letters with your first names."
That's it! haha We wrote it in the first page of our portfolio and that was that. Our agent read it, but didn't critique it at all. I think they look at it as something very personal so they pretty much don't mess with it at all. She said if there was something offensive/presumptuous about it, she would let us know, but other than that they leave us alone!
wife to joe 2.2.08. mama to noah 9.5.09.
After multiple m/c's, a MTHFR diagnosis and the Lord calling both of our hearts in the same direction, we're adopting!
theluckiest
Here were our guidelines, and I'll give you my editorial comments at the end:
Describe things that might matter to you if you were the birthparent. These may include how long you've been married, your relationship with your spouse, children or other family members, hobbies, interests, work, plans for returning to work (or not) after the baby, extended family, religious practices if they're important to you.
Talk about feelings, such as what family means to you. You may want to include your feelings about openness or continued contact with birthparents following the adoption. While you may have a history of infertility, birthparents are more interested in learning what you have to offer as parents.
We also had some guidelines for pictures, but you're specifically asking about text.
I agree with the pps that this needs to stop at some point, and you are well within your rights to put your foot down and say, "This may not be perfect from a grammatical POV, but it's us, and that's how I'd like to keep it."
FWIW, our SW only had comments on our photos. We had one with alcohol on the table (a no-no for them) and one with me dressed up strangely, and the SW just looked at me like that was NOT a good idea. The text was fine, and we had to be brief, because our profile was only 2 pages.
Let us know how the phone call goes. I literally had to read that one example 3x before I saw the difference, so hopefully the SW will realize this is truly not a big deal.
Agreed. That post kind of made my day