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IA mommas

Robby6Robby6
in Adoption

What age did your LO come home?  Were they in foster care or in an O?  What do you think the quality of foster care/orphanage care was?  Do you think they have/had institutional delays or behaviors? If so, we're you prepared for such delays and behaviors?

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Re: IA mommas

  • noonecarewhoiamnoonecarewhoiam

    My sons were 9 amd 11 months old at homecoming from South Korea (although I know of no country from where you'd get a child home at that young age).

    DS#1 was in foster care from the time he was 10 days old. He had a VERY strong bond with his FM, and she with him. He grieved by shutting down and sleeping (still does). He also bonded with DH before he bonded to me--he wanted nothing to do with me, as I was NOT his omma. Because his Dad went back to work almost immediately and I was home, he bonded with me eventually, but he vastly preferred his daddy for about 2 years. He would even cry "No Mommy!" when I came home from work. It sucked. Now he's 7 and he's attached to both of us, although he's a bit of a Daddy's boy. DH and I have different styles and he's a bit more of a hard ass, so DS said I'm more fun.

    DS#2 was in a baby home for 5 months and then went to a foster family. He cried for his omma the first night we had him, but transferred that attachment to me pretty readily. He had a bit of an anxious mommy attachment for awhile. He didn't cry for his Daddy until he was about 3.5, and if DH tried to comfort him he would just cry for me.

    I would say their personalities had a lot to do with their differences--DS#2 is just a much more emotive kid--when he's happy, he's the happiest kid in the world. Until he's not. DS#1 is really introverted and need a lot of alone time--gets overstimulated much more easily.

    Both of my boys spoke really late--especially #2. I was actually starting to get worried (around his 3rd birthday) when he finally started talking. Now he NEVER STOPS.

    We were prepared intellectually, and I had DS#1 evaluated by a developmental ped (he had failure to thrive--so tiny--so I was more cautious. Plus I was a first-time mom) as part of an IA post-homecoming evaluation. But I don't think you're ever really prepared for something to go wrong with your beloved child. There is a difference between dealing with a situation in the abstract and have to experience it in reality.

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  • Robby6Robby6
    DS came home at 23 months.  He was with birth family his first 9 months, in a hospital for a little bit for respiratory issues, in an O in his birth country until 12 months, and then in a "group home"- IMO American term for orphanage-until we picked him up at 23 months.  I believe the O, as well as his birth family, did the best they could considering their resources and his health.  I know at 12 months, he only weighed 13 pounds.  The group home was not the greatest either.  Loud and chaotic, I believe they used food to pacify the children.  DS had many illnesses that were immediately obvious to our pedi, that the group home failed to notice or had misdiagnosed over an entire year. DS had tons of institutional-type behaviors- food obsession and gorging being the most apparent.  Also some self-soothing behaviors, which were really self-harming, indiscriminate affection, poor sleep habits, etc.
    Hes been home 1.5 years and everything is significantly better, but has been very slow going.  He has an IEP (for behavior-related issues, not delays) and goes to county preschool. A behavior therapist we saw for awhile believed he has PTSD. He's recently been diagnosed with SPD (sensory seeking) by an OT.  He is currently actually advanced on gross and fine motor skills, speech, and cognition. He is now very attached to both DH and myself.  
    I feel like I was prepared, but agree knowing all the things that may happen is different than it being a reality.  Nothing had been a shock to me, just can sometimes be very exhausting.
    I do believe there are a lot of misconceptions about IA in that if you adopt a child as young as possible (infant or young toddler) that they will not have issues related to institutionalization.  Technically my DS came home before age two (which is pretty young in the world of IA) but in those 23 months had 4 sets of caregivers before DH and I, was severely malnourished and neglected, survived a natural disaster, endured chronic illnesses, etc.  
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  • noonecarewhoiamnoonecarewhoiam

    I absolutely agree that there is the misconception that adopting AYAP, and from foster care rather than institutional, will safeguard against attachment issues. I hear that cited frequesntly by families that choose the S. Korea program. From my own experience, I can say that is very wrong--I just think that the attachment issues might not be recognized as such due to the relative lack of severity.

    My first 2.5 years with DS#2 were a real struggle. I couldn't leave the house without him (but he could leave without me--DH took him to daycare, where he was doted on). Not even if my husband was home. I would go to get a haircut and he would scream the entire 2 hours I was gone. It was exhausting--physically and emotionally. I had literally no downtime, except after he went to bed. Otherwise I was physically holding him.

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  • CheleChele member
    Very informative posts!
    10/27/07
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  • septemberdreamsseptemberdreams

    DS came home at 26 months.  He's now 5.  He was in a baby home the entire time.  I believe (and I was able to see where he lived and meet his caretakers) that he had pretty good care.  He attached to his caregivers, although they did change.  However, he was still in a baby home and that makes a difference. 

    Yes, he had and still has almost 3 years later some institutional behaviors.  The delays, for the most part were quickly caught up.  For example, when we brought him home he wasn't speaking within months he was almost completely caught up.  And his language skills are still strong.  But we still struggle with behavior.  We think some of it was institutional driven and some is just personality driven.  We can see how some of these behaviors allowed him to get what he wanted and needed.  He was in good physical health and has not had one physical illness since we've been home (and he's been in daycare).  He has only had colds.

    We were not prepared for the extent of behaviors and we are still struggling with them.  What I didn't know and read about was brain development in the early months and how the early experiences shape brain development and behavior.  But the thing is it's very individualized.

    He has made tremendous progress and it's been a lot of work. 

     

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  • goro28goro28
    We also adopted from S. Korea.  Our son was 9.5 months old when we brought him home.  He was actually in 2 foster homes, so he was with his second foster mother for 2 months when we went to Seoul.  He immediately attached to us, and I wonder if it was because he had a shorter amount of time with his foster family.  I think our experience was very rare though.  Our son's speech was slightly delayed, but I read that the 9-12 month period is where they're revving up to start talking and by throwing in another language they have to reboot.  By 18 months he was caught up in talking and now at 3 1/2 years old, people comment all the time that he talks like a much older kid.  My son also bonded with my DH first and still prefers him.  That may be because I'm the disciplinarian in the family, and he's good time fun guy.  Interestingly enough, when he's hurt or scared, he'll seek me out over DH though.
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