What to do with offered help?

brittmonroe1 · July 2012

My mother is coming in from out of town to help once the baby is born and my MIL would also like to help out . If you are a BF mom, what did the parents/IL's help you out with? Did you have them come help you out starting on day 1 or maybe a couple of days in?

My mother seems to think that she will help me get the baby on a schedule - not sure how she can help with that when I'll be the one feeding her (assuming BF'ing goes well). Also, my MIL wants to come over to dust and vacuum which I'm sure I won't be overly concerned about with a newborn and she wants to cook us dinner. In reality it would probably give me anxiety knowing someone was in my kitchen "messing" with my things - yes, I'm a little OCD. Big Smile

Any advice on the mother's/MIL's helping? Thanks!

goldie11883 · July 2012

When I had LO and was BFing I welcomed all the help I could get. My family would come over and help out with the laundry and cleaning. My mother was always bringing food to stock our fridge and my in laws helped out a lot with walking my dogs. Plus when I wasn't feeding the baby it was nice to have a bit of time to myself and rest while the family hogged her lol

Any help offered take it! Even with your OCD, you will definitely appreciate it after a few sleep deprived nights.

acbfreire · July 2012

Have the come soon, maybe not on day one. They can do laundry - there will be tons - clean, and bring you food and water while you BF.

Starbear06 · July 2012

I used to be just like you. I don't have my own mothers help but my MIL is always willing to help out. I agree that the first couple days it might be harder to have help as you are still adjusting. But at first I was against having MIL help without DH here since I'm not that close to her. But now with a few weeks in, I welcome her help once in awhile! It's nice to just have someone else there that can help hold the baby and I get some time to myself. Or she spends some time cooking meals for us. It's nice to have a break so accept whatever help that you are comfortable with.

mrsshawnavanb · July 2012

I took all of the help that was offered. My mom bought us groceries the day that we left the hospital which was SUCH a blessing considering we did not leave the house for days. I have a big family, so my mom, aunts, and grandma took turns coming by every few days to help with sweeping the floors, dusting, pulling weeds anything they noticed and could help with. I was so grateful, as it took alot of stress off me. Once we were ready to get out of the house, my grandma and aunt would go on shopping trips with me to help out which was also amazing. I had a friend who brought over carryout one night a few days after the baby was born and that was also a huge help.

Kaiterz · July 2012

Seriously, you should get over your kitchen ocd for the moment. Have them make meals in a double (or more) batch and freeze the extras. Hot meals w/ minimal effort is the ultimate godsend.

Also, take them up on any housecleaning. And be so appreciative. We live around all of our friends and family and we aren't offered help.

Even if things aren't done exactly as you would do them, or put back exactly right - it's still better than living in a messy, unorganized home w/ a nb.

nicholemagers · July 2012

Anything they can help with will be a God send to you! Trust me! Once you are done BF you will be exhausted so they can sit with the baby while you rest or nap or even have a snack. And hot meals are going to be wonderful because you will not feel like making them. My husband and I lived on fast food for the first couple of weeks because we didnt have anyone offer and there is a lot to adjust to being a new parent. Good Luck! Big Smile

Mamaofthesea · July 2012

The answer to this question totally depends on your relationship with your mother and MIL. I get irritated when people say to accept any help you can get no matter what. What is actually helpful to you is so dependent on your personality and your relationship with the people offering the help. If you aren't comfortable with the help being offered it can actually make things more stressful for you rather than less stressful. You need to feel like you can tell people specifically what you would like them to help out with. This is not selfish. If people really want to help you, they will want to do the things that make you most comfortable.

I can't tell if you're exaggerating about having OCD or not, but if you do actually have some OCD (even a mild case) then don't listen to the pp's who have said you just need to get over it. I actually do have OCD, the symptoms of which first became apparent after my DD was born in 2009. It made it incredibly hard for me to have anyone other than my mom (with whom I'm very close) and my DH help me because they were the only people I felt comfortable telling exactly how I needed things to be done to feel comfortable. OCD is not something you can just "get over."

When my DD was born, my mom was there for the birth and then was with me for several weeks after. She mostly helped out by cleaning the kitchen and fixing meals (according to my specifications ) and running errands like going to the grocery store. She also sometimes held DD for DH and me so we could get some sleep (DD was a fussy baby). But the care of DD was almost entirely up to me and DH. Basically, my mom took care of me so I could take care of DD. With DS, my mom was here to watch and care for DD so I could focus on DS. She also helped with cleaning of the kitchen, grocery shopping, etc.

But again, she did all these things because I was comfortable with her doing them, and I invited her help. Help from my MIL is totally different. In many ways, help from her is more stressful than helpful because I don't feel like I can tell her the same way I can tell my mom what I do and do not want her to do and how to do it.

So, I guess my advice is that YOU need to be the one in charge of telling people what you need from them at any given time. Do not feel obligated to accept help just because someone is offering it. And if it is difficult for you to talk to your MIL, enlist the help of your husband. People should not feel entitled to be around when your baby is new. This is your baby and your experience.

And if you do actually have OCD, pay close attention to it and take good care of yourself. And don't be ashamed to get help. For me, having a baby made my OCD tendencies come out because I was protecting my child, and the world became a much scarier place after she was born. That said, you may not have a problem at all! In which case, I'm very glad. I just wanted to write this because "accept all the help you can get" is not the appropriate advice for all people, and you need to feel empowered to protect yourself and what you need. Having a baby is a stressful and overwhelming experience, however wonderful it may be. Don't let other people's desire to share in it make it more difficult for you.

Take care, mama!

annette4797 · July 2012

Give up the OCD tendencies(just for a while) and let them help with whatever needs help. I didn't feel like cooking for almost 2 weeks and we didn't have the help. We spend alot of money on eating out because my DH didn't want me to have to do anything. Enjoy the help and relax!

temporalrobe · July 2012

Managing can be tough. But it's helpful to just hand your child to someone else to sit for a few.

BLuvsE · July 2012

I would be nervous if someone told me they were going to help me get my newborn 'on a schedule.' That probably means she's planning to help you figure out when to feed and sleep your baby and a baby that young really doesn't need to be on a schedule just yet, in my opinion. Of course, everyone parents differently - but that's just me.

My husband and I have requested that our families give us two weeks to adjust before they start making visits, but we'll call them if we need them. My mom had overnight 'help' the whole first two weeks of my life and my brother's life - both times she ended up getting really sick because all they did was hold the baby while she did all the heavy lifting instead of taking time to recover/bond.

k4slr6 · July 2012

I had a c-section and DH is a farmer so he had to leave me during the day at the hospital so he could go home and plant. The hospital has a rule that if you have a c/s you can't be alone with the baby so baby has to go to the nursery. So my mom came and stayed with me during the day at the hospital and helped me with the baby until DH came back. When we got home it was the same type of thing and so I was alone all day. My mom came over and helped out every week day for 2 weeks and it was amazing. She dusted, vacuumed--b/c I couldn't, washed bottles, fed and held DD while I caught up on sleep--I got up all night with DD since DH was working, helped me fold laundry, brought us food--her choice, brought us milk and a few basics our first afternoon home. We had a lot of offers for help and I know that SILs and MIL would have been there if I had called, but honestly I felt bad calling. My mom could tell I needed help and showed up without us even asking, which at those moments we were so glad to see her. The dusting and vacuuming was actually very nice b/c we had a TON of company and it wasn't so embarrassing for them to come over, and one less thing for me to worry about. We have a cat so we have to vacuum daily. It helped my healing time tremendously. But you have to do what is right for you and your family. I was very hormonal and emotional the week after and I started to look forward to when she would pull into the driveway after DH left for the day so I would have a little support.

freezorburn · July 2012

Mamaofthesea:
What is actually helpful to you is so dependent on your personality and your relationship with the people offering the help. If you aren't comfortable with the help being offered it can actually make things more stressful for you rather than less stressful. You need to feel like you can tell people specifically what you would like them to help out with. This is not selfish. If people really want to help you, they will want to do the things that make you most comfortable.

This has been my experience as well. MIL stayed with us for the first 5 weeks of DS's life, and we needed the help because DH just started a new job in another country and is only able to be home for a week each month. She did a lot to help -- cooking, cleaning, etc. But she also took things a little too far with "helping" with the baby and ended up really interfering negatively with getting BF established. She insisted on holding him all the time, and would not give him to me when he was hungry ... she would just shush him until he was screaming bloody murder and I had to take him from her. She would never let me take him from her unless he was screaming. DS had jaundice that really didn't start to subside until day 6, and was slow getting back up to birthweight. The Dr.'s advice was to just keep nursing him, on demand at least every 3 hours. MIL did not understand that her magic shushing powers were not going to be of help in this situation, and it was actually a constant tension with her whenever I needed to take him from her to feed him. It got to the point where I decided on day 4, when my milk finally came in, that I basically had shut DS and myself in our room and didn't come out so I could feel comfortable that he was getting fed frequently enough. Because if I set him down for even a moment MIL would scoop him up and try not to give him back to me. Literally had to chase her around the kitchen once to take him back!

MIL and my mom did a changing of the guard at 5 weeks, and I was worried that my mother would bring all of her "baggage" in and I would be stuck taking care of her emotional needs. She is not as good as MIL at housekeeping/cleaning, but she has been really great about giving me the space to be a mom and get to know my son. Apparently a lot of her baggage involves having promised herself years ago that she would be the kind of MIL/grandma that her MIL is.

PregoPuma · July 2012

No one offerred me any help and I had a c-section. However, I can't think of HOW they could've helped me anyway. I EBF so no one can help with that. I pay a housekeeper to clean my house every other Saturday...and in between we were so tired either we didn't care what the house looked like or DH would vacuum & sweep...so I didn't need family to clean.As for meals, we had pre-made meals frozen already. Also DH took over all the cooking which helped tremendously so when we wanted fresh food he would make it. Personally, and I realize every situation is different, I would've felt uncomfortable having in-laws stay with us since I'm not very close to them and those first couple weeks I wanted to focus on bonding & BFing just the 3 of us alone. I should also add that they have very "old school" ways of parenting & I didn't want the added stress of having to correct them all the time on how things have changed like "back to sleep". I say trust your gut, and be flexible because you can always change your mind

brittmonroe1 · July 2012

I really appreciate everyone's input as it has given me some things to really thing about. My OCD and tendencies to want things done my own way in my own house will probably get the better of me but I will be letting my mother and MIL help out some I think. I just worry that with them around so much it will make me more stressed than I would be without them there. Either way, we'll take a few days to ourselves and call for help when needed. After that I think my mom will come stay for a bit and I can always send her back to my sister's house if it's too much. Again, thank you for all the input.

BakerMommy · July 2012

I kept a notepad next to me while I BF'd LO so I could write down things that needed to be done. Usually it was little things like taking out the recycling or a list for Target. That way if someone wanted to help, I could ask them to do something on the list.

ETA: Picking up and returning movies to watch while you BF on the couch is also a good task for them to do. Wink

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