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Attachment Parenting
jasieandry
member
Feeling pressured to sleep train.
jasieandry
member
LO is now 6 mos old and my husband, and mom and mil are suggesting that its time to move her out of our room. A lot of emphasis is being put on the fact that she needs to learn to be independent and she'll need to move into her own room sometime and that it will be easier to make the transition sooner rather than later. We are sidecarring/ cosleeping LO nurses to sleep and wakes 3-10 times a night and nurses back to sleep. Personally, I'm ok with this arrangement but at the same time I feel like my family has a point - she is old enough to STTN and she is a terrible napper, can't fall asleep or stay asleep on her own and can't be left alone AT ALL. Anytime I leave her sight she starts crying. If she is going to move into her own room we are going to have to do some sort of sleep training if either of us is going to get any sleep at all. I'm looking at the 3 day sleep solution which guarantees that lo will sTTN 10-12 hrs, take 1-2 restful naps each day, be able to fall asleep by herself and play independently. It sounds like a great, positive thing. Just get through the few days of tears and then lo will sleep and play independently. And now I just don't know what to do. I'm frustrated and confused. Should lo be sttn by now? Is independence a good thing? When did your lo move into his/her own room? Help.
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Re: Feeling pressured to sleep train.
Every family is different and every baby is different. My daughter JUST started sttn but she still sleeps in our bed. It works for us for now. I know one day she might be too cool to give mom a hug in public so I'm trying to enjoy the snuggles while they last.
That being said your husbands opinion does matter since it effects him too. I have heard good things about 'the no-cry sleep solution' book. Only you can make the ultimate decision on what's best for your family.
You really have to do what YOU are comfortable with and don't worry about what other people say.
My DD is 4 months old and has been STTN for about a month now. We didn't have to sleep train. She just did this on her own. She used to sleep in bed with us and one night I nursed her to sleep like I always do and decided to try putting her in the cradle right next to our bed. She's slept there ever since. She fussed a little bit when I put her down but then fell right to sleep. The fact that she stayed there without any crying was a sign that SHE was ready for it. She sleeps through the night most nights although there are times when she does wake up and I will nurse her back to sleep or DH will rock her and sing to her. We haven't tackled moving her into the crib in her bedroom yet. We are taking things very slow. All babies are different and some babies will be ready for things before others.
I don't think sleep training and getting a baby to sleep in their own bed has anything to do with independence. I want DD to feel comfortable in her own crib and going to sleep and how can I do that if I allow her to cry and get upset while sleep training.
I don't think that just being 6 months old means she's ready to STTN. I think that happens at different ages for every child. My anecdotal evidence is that my son just started STTN this week and he's 2.5. My daughter started at 2.5 weeks. They're very different sleepers by nature and we just try to give each one what they need to get the best possible sleep for them.
I also don't think sleep is tied to independence directly. I think that children who are well rested are more likely to be less fussy and play independently for longer. I also think that there are some types of sleep training that mess with trust and can make it harder to play independently.
Do what you feel good about and works for your family. Discuss with your husband but disregard your in-laws.
To get our daughter to feel more comfortable playing by herself when we go answer the door or what not, we played a game with her everyday and by day 2, she was much happier on her own, able to play by herself for a few minutes without tears. The game was like this: I'd be sitting on the floor with her, then look at her and say "I'm going to the other room. I'll be right back" then get up, walk to the over room, and reappear suddenly and say "I'm back, yay!" After the first instance, I added a few seconds, count to 3, then count 10. She quickly got the nature of the game and started to just keep herself entertained until I came back. She plays by herself for 20-30 minutes now and doesn't freak out when we go to answer the door anymore.
Anyway, there are plenty of options that will allow you to communicate to your daughter that you're still there, you've just stepped away for a moment - it's like an advanced version of "peak a boo". And there are plenty of gentle sleep "training" techniques - you can read some of the non-CIO books or make one up on your own, which we did.
If you're ready to start getting more sleep, and I would be after waking up 10xnight, then start where you feel comfortable.
Do what you feel is right. This is your precious baby and you shouldn't ever do something with your child that feels wrong to you. Politely ask your family to stop making comments and then you need to stop discussing it with them.
I think it's so strange that the more emotionally needy a baby is, the more assertively people suggest that you should give them less. Makes no sense to me.
I think that you and your dh need to be united in the decision, but like someone said, it's probably you that does all the nighttime care, so you should have the most sway. I think you should both agree to disregard what your mother's say. Things were different when they were parents of babies. We have a LOT more research at our fingertips now.
That said, I'd ask your husband WHY he thinks she needs to sleep all alone. If it's intimacy issues, I encourage you to talk it through with him and find a solution that doesn't compromise your daughter's sleeping situation. I've found over the years that if I make myself available to fulfill my husband's needs when the LO is sleeping, he's more apt to be persuaded to my side. Not a manipulation or anything, I know it sounds that way, but it's not.
Also, your daughter has the rest of her life to be independent. Would someone expect her to feed herself or take herself potty or bathe herself at this age? NO! Enjoy this baby time right now because someday she won't need you guys as much. We cosleep to 2-3y, and we have no problem finding time and space for intimacy. Sometimes it's work and not as spontaneous, but that's ok.
My last thing, co-sleeping and nightly rousing to eat or resettle is a GREAT protector against SIDS. SIDS can still strike until 12mo, so I'm happy to make sacrifices to keep my babies next to me until they're out of the danger zone for SIDS.
I think that you and your dh need to be united in the decision, but like someone said, it's probably you that does all the nighttime care, so you should have the most sway. I think you should both agree to disregard what your mother's say. Things were different when they were parents of babies. We have a LOT more research at our fingertips now.
That said, I'd ask your husband WHY he thinks she needs to sleep all alone. If it's intimacy issues, I encourage you to talk it through with him and find a solution that doesn't compromise your daughter's sleeping situation. I've found over the years that if I make myself available to fulfill my husband's needs when the LO is sleeping, he's more apt to be persuaded to my side. Not a manipulation or anything, I know it sounds that way, but it's not.
Also, your daughter has the rest of her life to be independent. Would someone expect her to feed herself or take herself potty or bathe herself at this age? NO! Enjoy this baby time right now because someday she won't need you guys as much. We cosleep to 2-3y, and we have no problem finding time and space for intimacy. Sometimes it's work and not as spontaneous, but that's ok.
My last thing, co-sleeping and nightly rousing to eat or resettle is a GREAT protector against SIDS. SIDS can still strike until 12mo, so I'm happy to make sacrifices to keep my babies next to me until they're out of the danger zone for SIDS.
I hate the independence argument. She's 6 months old for heaven's sake, she IS dependent. She can't move on her own. She can't eat real food. About all she doesn't need you for is holding her head up (and maybe sitting up). Good grief. Independence comes when they can start moving (where they need to go, safely) under their own power and they know that they can do this and when they should do this. (In my opinion, anyway. I mean, if you think about it from an evolutionary perspective, you don't want to put a six month old out of eye sight and ear shot of all responsible people for 6 hours (which is STTN) at a stretch if you're living out on the plains and there are predators too.)
I really don't see how CIO will make her suddenly play independently either. There's just no connection. Not to mention it's not a permanent magic bullet - most people I hear talk about CIO have to redo it in some for or another as the kiddo goes through various developmental stages.
Totally my opinion, but there are studies that are why I have that opinion: at this age, they need ATTACHMENT and DEPENDENCY so they have a stable and secure base from which they can explore and come back when they need reassurance.
We did try sleep training.
It didn't work. Even at 6 months, he was a highly persistent person that did not take kindly to us trying to change the game plan. We tried again around 8 months, and it was a terrible way to spend a week. Just because a plan claims magic success in 3 days does NOT mean you'll be sleeping 10 hours a night next week. So think about how you'll feel if it's an epic failure before you start. I guess it worked to get him to sleep alone for the first few hours of the night, so that part was nice. But it was not easy and perhaps was not worth it.
It's not really biologically normal to sttn at 6 months, so it's no big deal that she isn't. A 6 month old is not independent no matter where they sleep. My son has slept with me and nursed at night a ton over the last 14 months - he's very independent and happy to play by himself.
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Thank you ladies. I need to talk to DH. Personally, I like the sleeping arrangements we have now - I love snuggling with her and waking up and seeing that precious face. I've been reading up on sleeping arrangements around the world and having an infant sleep separate from the mother is something that is unique to our culture as is the push to have an "independent" child who is a "good sleeper" (aka STTN) I think my Squeaker is a good sleeper - she sleeps 10-12 hours every night and only wakes to nurse and falls right back to sleep with no fuss. I feel like she's happy with this arrangement too. She's actually very independent during the day and likes to play and be held by other people - she sits up on her own, plays independently as long as I'm within her view (I am going to try that extended peek a boo game though) she prefers to feed herself, and even goes on the potty (we're ECing).
The main thing DH and I need to talk about is when lo will move to her own room. Before she was born we agreed she'd stay in our room for the first year but we were thinking about sleep training because we're being told its easier to make the transition now rather than later. So we'll need to look at plans for the future - discuss maybe keeping Squeaker in our room until she's completely weaned.
Should lo be sttn by now? No. Every thing I've read that has studied sleep shows a wide variation in "normal" and most kids are not STTN, meaning 7p-7a, until after 1yr. One big piece of advice I've received is to remember, sleep isn't a liner progression. As LO ages she will have wakeful times and restful times, there will be teething, nightmares, etc. that will impact sleep. And there will be times when she sleeps wonderfully and you'll forget all about the hazy days of waking up multiple times.
Is independence a good thing? Yes, but you cannot force a child to be independent anymore than you can force him/her to breathe. A child will naturally grow more confident and independent as her needs are met and she develops ability and desire to move/explore the world. A 6m old baby wants/needs a parent nearby because she needs someone to take care of her.
When did your lo move into his/her own room? We plan to around 2-3yrs old, but right now we're just playing it by ear and as long as mom/dad/child are all happy then we aren't changing things.
The bigger question here is what do you feel is best? Do you feel the sleeping arrangements aren't working? Don't let someone tell you what is best for your family, they aren't there to know. What works for you is the best thing to do. But if you're not happy co-sleeping there's nothing wrong with moving her to a crib.
With naps - my LO has a certain, narrow window when he can be put down and stay asleep. My H actually is better at rocking/laying him down than me. I've found it's easiest to sidelay nursing him in our bed, then barricade him with pillows to keep him from rolling off. Perhaps you can try something similar so once she falls asleep you can move, instead of moving her?
FWIW I've heard from cosleeping mama that the opposite is true. Once they are older, and you can tell them what's happening, they are more eager to make the change. AND an older child has a stronger desire to be independent and will welcome having "her own bed" which isn't important to a 6m old.
As the parent to two stubborn sleepers (ds didn't do it consistently until after 3 and dd stopped being a good sleeper at 10 months, after I thought I had been blessed with a good sleeper), do what you need to do and tell others that you've got it handled.
You're happy, she's happy, hopefully dh is happy.... what's their problem? She's a tiny infant who is happy near her mother. It's easier to have them close when you're nursing anyway. It won't make her independent (nor would being in her own room make her needy or scared, necessarily either). Each child is individual and each phase of their childhood's sleep fluctuates.
Both my kids were in a bassinet next to my bed for 6-8 months. Then moved to a crib in their own room. That transition was fine for the most part, but each child had their reasons for waking and needing me... teething, separation anxiety, nightmares for ds when he got older.... So, I tried Ferber with ds at 11 months. Huge disaster. Broke my heart and made me a mess. But dd responded really well to Ferber when I needed to break her of some excessive wakings and not going down for naps. I was shocked. Once teething hit hard, it didn't last forever, but it showed me that what doesn't work for one, might work for another.
Ds, my horrible, terrible sleeper who made me cry night after night and who had to be slept with, laid with for an hour and who couldn't ever go to sleep unless he was completely asleep before we left, now sleeps like a champ the entire night at 3 1/2. Granted, he likes to sleep next to my side of the bed on a nest of pillows, but hey, he sleeps and doesn't wake me up. Dd is going through a tough time, but I've learned nothing is forever.
So, just do what your heart feels is right. If you don't see it as a problem, so that means it isn't a problem. Your dd won't be in your bed at 16, so don't listen to others.
I'm so sorry you're feeling the frustration of this pressure from others...that was almost my only source of frustration with my son in his first year. I'd be totally content with his patterns and behaviors, I didn't even mind the cuddle time when he would wake to nurse because he was quick and always went right back to sleep. But whenever people would give me a hard time, I would feel myself questioning my son and getting frustrated. I wish family and friends would just stick to the support role, unless you're specifically talking about a problem and asking for advice!
That being said, I did really like the book "The Baby Whisperer" as a gentle guide for developing routines for your child, which I think is important, but following the child's cues and not specific time-tables made up by someone else. The book suggests following a pattern of Eat-Awake-Sleep-You time (EASY) which I think is really healthy because it's a pattern that can continue into adulthood so it won't need to be "broken" at some point in time. Like, we wake up and eat breakfast and then go about our day.
It sounds like you and your child are content with the arrangement, so I wouldn't change it for outside family members. DH's opinion needs to be valued, though, so hopefully you can keep finding something that works for you guys! And remember....it's all only temporary