Intro and so many questions (long)

jolynn326 · July 2012

Hi all - I've been lurking for quite a while here. I think it's time to join!

DH and I are 26 and have one (biological) daughter who's a year and a half. We've had two consecutive miscarriages in the past 6 months or so. Currently, we're TTA while we make some adjustments that will hopefully make it easier for me to carry a baby.

I've always known from when I was very young that I wanted to adopt "one day." My uncle is adopted, and my grandparents were foster parents for many years (all before I was born, but I grew up with a very open mindset towards fostering and adoption). I know many, many people who have adopted. It has just always been a very normal, comfortable concept to me. Additionally, as a Christian, I believe that it is my responsibility to help to care for orphans.

DH also has had a good deal of exposure to adoption. His uncle and two aunts are adopted, for one. He knew from the start of our relationship that it was something I felt strongly about. He has always been supportive of my hopes for adoption but finally has said within the past month or so that he is 100% on board. He feels equally "called."

I have been on a few mission trips where I've had the awesome opportunity to visit a few orphanages, and I've always been very internationally-minded. I think that may be the direction we head. If not, I see us going the foster-to-adopt route (my close cousin recently foster-to-adopted their sweet daughter!).

Our losses contribute more potentially to the timing rather than simply the desire to adopt. I wonder if God isn't using our losses to help bring adoption to the forefront of our minds and encourage us to make it a priority. However, we do not plan to stop having biological children - at least not yet.

So, first question - is it weird to continue to grow our family biologically while also pursuing adoption? Would that make us less desirable as adoptive parents? Any thoughts on special considerations (birth order, etc.)?

Second question - does anyone have any experience on Reece's Rainbow?

Along those lines, what is the best way to research the needs of international kiddos who may be coming from institutionalized settings and/or with special needs? I really want to research this like crazy to ensure that this is something we would be prepared for.

Any other opinions/advice and/or book recs? While lurking, I take note of all the books you ladies have discussed.

I hope to be active on this board, but I do not know precisely when we will be able to "get the ball rolling" per se. A little bit more info about us is that DH is currently in his final year of pharmacy school, doing 6 week rotations throughout Colorado. He graduates in May, takes his state exams in June, and we're hoping he has a job to go straight into - hopefully even before he's technically a pharmacist. Because of his hectic schedule this year, we made the decision to move me and our daughter to my parents' for the year. Prior to this, we were living in Denver, and I was working FT. It would have been next to impossible for me to manage our prior situation on my own while DH was completing his rotations away from home.

All of that to say, do you think that this year of very little income and living with my parents would be seen as a black mark against us? Or perhaps it would be seen positively that we prioritized our daughter and have excellent family support? Not sure what to think.

Also, how is student loan debt viewed in relation to one's financial situation?

Okay, if you made it through this, here's your medal Thank you in advance! We're so very excited to get started, so I want to take the next few months to be as prepared as possible!

meganalaire · July 2012

Hello and Welcome! I'll try to answer a few of your questions based on my experience thus far (DH and I are adopting internationally through Ethiopia).

1. Each agency will have there own opinions and guidelines on pursuing adoption while trying to have children biologically, as will the country you are seeking to adopt from. For instance: Ethiopia's official policy has you postpone your adoption process if you happen to get pregnant, and proceed once your new baby is 6 months old....HOWEVER our agency policy is that the child you adopt must have a 10-12 month age difference between any existing children in the home. So you'll need to do research on your intended country and agency to find out for sure.

2. I have no knowledge/experience with Reece's Rainbow.

3. As a part of our adoption we did E-learning courses about international adoption, being a conspicuous family, attachment issues, common medical problems with institutionalization, etc. There are lots of books and websites you can look at to gather more specific information depending on the country and age of child you wish to adopt.

4. As far as you living with a family member: if you start the adoption process while still living with your mom, your agency will need to know that ALL members of the household are supportive of the adoption. Also, your mom (and any other family members living at that residence) will likely be interviewed during your homestudy visits. Also, if you do your homestudy while living with your family and then change addresses while waiting for a referral you will need to make an official update to your homestudy.

Hope this helps some and good luck!

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

Hi and welcome. Jumping right into your questions!

Is it weird to continue to grow our family biologically while also pursuing adoption? Would that make us less desirable as adoptive parents? Any thoughts on special considerations (birth order, etc.)?

No, it isn't weird. Plenty of people do it. If you're pursuing foster to adopt, the only issue I can see is birth order. And that can be addressed in a number of ways. If you're pursuing international adoption, I've seen more issues with those who don't choose to have bio children (when they potentially can) than with those who already have bio children. It will depend on the agency/program though.

Second question - does anyone have any experience on Reece's Rainbow?

Nope

Along those lines, what is the best way to research the needs of international kiddos who may be coming from institutionalized settings and/or with special needs? I really want to research this like crazy to ensure that this is something we would be prepared for.

I'm not familiar with international adoption, but I would assume this would be part of an agency's preparedness with you. Those with intl experience can answer better.

Any other opinions/advice and/or book recs? While lurking, I take note of all the books you ladies have discussed.

Other than the FAQs, no

All of that to say, do you think that this year of very little income and living with my parents would be seen as a black mark against us? Or perhaps it would be seen positively that we prioritized our daughter and have excellent family support? Not sure what to think.

Considering you're probably not looking to adopt until your DH is set up in a job and your situation is more settled, I don't see how this would be an issue.

Also, how is student loan debt viewed in relation to one's financial situation?

Agencies typically look at income:debt ratio, so as long as you're able to swing things financially, it shouldn't be a huge deal. But you can ask upfront about it when the time comes and see if it will be a problem.

Look forward to seeing you here.

DaisyZH · July 2012

Hello there and welcome! We seem to have a lot of similarities, I really relate to what you said about "Our losses contribute more potentially to the timing rather than simply the desire to adopt. I wonder if God isn't using our losses to help bring adoption to the forefront of our minds and encourage us to make it a priority". That is exactly how I feel! Anyway, as far as your questions -

Is it weird to continue to grow our family biologically while also pursuing adoption? Would that make us less desirable as adoptive parents? Any thoughts on special considerations (birth order, etc.)?

I don't think it's weird, you would just have to check with your agency and/or country you are adopting from since some do not allow you to adopt if you are also pregnant or pursuing fertility treatments. The materials that we have received so far I would say at least half of the agencies have explicitly said you have to agree to stop any fertility treatments prior to signing with them, and if you get pregnant the process will be halted.

As far as birth order, I have also been looking a little into foster-to-adopt and waiting child adoption, but we have a 1 year old son. The research I've found seems to discourage adopting out of birth order, although some have had positive experiences. It is something I am going to do more research on.

Does anyone have any experience on Reece's Rainbow? No, sorry

What is the best way to research the needs of international kiddos who may be coming from institutionalized settings and/or with special needs? I'm not sure on this one either.

Any other opinions/advice and/or book recs? I am finishing up "You Can Adopt" which is by Adoptive Families magazine - it's been very informative and a fairly easy read.

Do you think that this year of very little income and living with my parents would be seen as a black mark against us?

If you are still living there when you have a home study everyone will have to be approved that lives in the house. Also, some countries do have income restrictions, notably China requires $80,000 net worth for both their standard and special needs programs. Other than that country I'm not sure, also some agencies have income requirements too. That being said, I have had very similar questions because I've been concerned that we do not make enough money or have a nice enough home to adopt however the agencies that I've spoken to have been very encouraging and they are really more looking to see that you are managing your money well and have enough space to add another child.

I hope this all helps, good luck!!

silliestbunny · July 2012

I only have a quick second... so I'll let the other ladies do most of the answering...

I did want to bring up one thought... generally, IA children that may be institutionalized are a bit older. There's a general thought in adoptiont that perserving birth order is important. In other words, you would not want to adopt a child older than your daughter.

Before you get too deep into the possibility, read more about birth order. Decide for yourself if that's important to adhere to for YOU or not. Personally I think this can be a big one esp for IA and bio kids... but that's a call you and DH will need to make.

If you do want to adhere to birth order, your choices for IA and children that are facing rough lives as orphans will be limited. Babies available through IA generally aren't facing institutionlism.... rather there are couples lining up ready to adopt them... (nothing wrong w/that.... we may do that.... but it's clearly different than the "saving an orphan" idea).

The one clear exception would be children with mental disabilities or medical issues that wouldn't make their journey to adoption more difficult. A "biggie" in this area right now is adopting an orphan that is HIV positive. As people become more educated about the living with HIV, it becomes a new area for IA.

Good luck and welcome!

Robby6 · July 2012

So, first question - is it weird to continue to grow our family biologically while also pursuing adoption? Would that make us less desirable as adoptive parents? Any thoughts on special considerations (birth order, etc.)?

We did this. You do need to be honest about this with your agency. However, if you are going to pursue IA, there are very few countries which will allow this. Additionally, some countries require at least a year between the age of the youngest child in your home and dossier registration and/or placement. Basically if do become pregnant, you will likely have to put an IA on hold until the LO is born nd close to one year of age. I personally don't think birth order is that important (although a lot of people do), except in certain circumstances, for example when there is a clear history of abuse.

Second question - does anyone have any experience on Reece's Rainbow?

Somewhat. I know a couple APs who found their LOs there. What kind of SN are you considering?

Along those lines, what is the best way to research the needs of international kiddos who may be coming from institutionalized settings and/or with special needs? I really want to research this like crazy to ensure that this is something we would be prepared for

To start I recommend (sorry no clicky)

https://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/

https://www.orphandoctor.com/

jolynn326 · July 2012

Robby6:

Somewhat. I know a couple APs who found their LOs there. What kind of SN are you considering?

We're not entirely sure, but perhaps mild CP, hearing or vision problems, etc. We would be open to considering a child with a more severe condition, but we also want to be honest with ourselves in that we have no experience or even much exposure to DS, HIV+, hydrocephaly, FAS, etc.

jolynn326 · July 2012

DaisyZH:
As far as birth order, I have also been looking a little into foster-to-adopt and waiting child adoption, but we have a 1 year old son. The research I've found seems to discourage adopting out of birth order, although some have had positive experiences. It is something I am going to do more research on.

What research have you seen on this? I'm not sure how to start looking. Are there any books on this topic, or simply articles somewhere?

jolynn326 · July 2012

Thank you, everyone, for your great advice! I appreciate the honesty.

Dr. L is correct in that we wouldn't begin any formal adoption process until DH is working and we have moved away from my parents'. I'm encouraged that this year of hiatus doesn't seem to be an issue. I was worried about income history, especially with IA.

And, I think I clearly need to do more research, so I'm glad I am starting now!

jillianmb · July 2012

Hi and welcome! I didn't read the other replies, so sorry for any repeat info.

1. It isn't weird to do both adoption and grow your family biologically, but you often can't do them at the same time. Each country has its own regulations regarding family size and bio children etc.

2. I have semi-experience with Reece's Rainbow. Our agency has a new but AWESOME program adopting Russian kids with Reece's Rainbow. Our son was not on there, but he was a waiting child and so we've walked our adoption journey alongside many other couple's adopting from RR- all children with Down Syndrome. I can PM you our agency name if you like. They work with couples all over the US.

3. Your income will only be a blackmark if it is under the country's income requirements. Russia is $55,000/year for example. Debt will not be an automatic dis-qualifier, but it will be a consideration. According to our financial statements DH and I could no where near afford to adopt (we were both fresh out of grad school), but we did a lot of fundraising and our finances have not been a problem.

4. Thanks for the medal. ;-) GL!

DaisyZH · July 2012

jolynn326:
DaisyZH:

As far as birth order, I have also been looking a little into foster-to-adopt and waiting child adoption, but we have a 1 year old son. The research I've found seems to discourage adopting out of birth order, although some have had positive experiences. It is something I am going to do more research on.

What research have you seen on this? I'm not sure how to start looking. Are there any books on this topic, or simply articles somewhere?

To be honest it's mostly been googling, if you look up "adopting out of birth order" there are people that have posted on various adoption or parenting websites with that type of question. I also was looking at Adopt Us Kids and Wendy's Wonderful Kids and noticed some of the you tube videos they linked to had adoptees mentioning that they were adopted into families with young children.

I'm going to keep looking at my library to see if there are any more specific books, if I find one I will definately PM you. It seems like the consensus is it is discouraged due to several factors - the adoptee will often act much younger than their age and so will need a lot of attention and it can be hard to have an "older" child acting younger than the chronologically youngest. Also I think the biggest is that some older waiting children have been abused and they can repeat that behavior that they have seen/learned with younger children. I noticed on AdoptUsKids that it will explicitly say that a child needs to be in a home as an only child, or no younger children, or no pets.

Hope this helps!

Want a personalized experience?

Intro and so many questions (long)

Re: Intro and so many questions (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards