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saradanowski
member
Seeking advice on bad situation
saradanowski
member
in Baby Showers
Hello fellow bumps! I need your help-desperately!!!!
I am due with a boy Nov. 2nd and this is my first child. A month ago my mother and aunt started planning a shower for me for our family/my friends in late September. They asked me when, where, what, who and everything was going along great. A week or two ago, my mother in law asked me what my mom was planning and if they could combine. I told her that my mom had already booked the date at the hall and it was a pretty small space and my mom had filled it up. She said ok and started telling me how great it would be to have it on her patio that she's re-doing. Then the story gets messy......
2 days ago my mom receives a facebook message from my sister in law telling her that while the in laws were on vacation together, they decided it would be best for them to have a combined shower with her and that the date she scheduled it wouldn't work. It was pretty much telling my mom they were gonna take over what she planned and just add their family (which is very large). My mom felt uncomfortable and upset, I felt bad for my mom and mad that this is not the first time a situation similar has happened. My mom responded politely that she had booked the hall and the date and started on making invites. My husband also called my sister in law telling her it wouldn't work and how it came off really rude. SIL then responded to my mom telling her that her date simply wont work and that the weekend before would be better for them (note: its our anniversary and we were planning on going out of town that weekend) and how they simply cant see any other way of doing this.
My mom just told them she cant change the date and we wouldnt be in town for it anyway. She was sorry and if they couldn't do it then we would be ok.
Needless to say, my rocky relationship with in laws has just gone from terrible to worse. Trying to push around my family, not ask us what we would like or when we'd be available and just plain not listening to the "No" said 4 times. What do I do from here? My husband and I already have fought about his family and how we/they handle things and I feel like they are just trying to ruin another event in our lives and make it about them. Overwhelmed, stressed and irritated. HELP!!!!
I am due with a boy Nov. 2nd and this is my first child. A month ago my mother and aunt started planning a shower for me for our family/my friends in late September. They asked me when, where, what, who and everything was going along great. A week or two ago, my mother in law asked me what my mom was planning and if they could combine. I told her that my mom had already booked the date at the hall and it was a pretty small space and my mom had filled it up. She said ok and started telling me how great it would be to have it on her patio that she's re-doing. Then the story gets messy......
2 days ago my mom receives a facebook message from my sister in law telling her that while the in laws were on vacation together, they decided it would be best for them to have a combined shower with her and that the date she scheduled it wouldn't work. It was pretty much telling my mom they were gonna take over what she planned and just add their family (which is very large). My mom felt uncomfortable and upset, I felt bad for my mom and mad that this is not the first time a situation similar has happened. My mom responded politely that she had booked the hall and the date and started on making invites. My husband also called my sister in law telling her it wouldn't work and how it came off really rude. SIL then responded to my mom telling her that her date simply wont work and that the weekend before would be better for them (note: its our anniversary and we were planning on going out of town that weekend) and how they simply cant see any other way of doing this.
My mom just told them she cant change the date and we wouldnt be in town for it anyway. She was sorry and if they couldn't do it then we would be ok.
Needless to say, my rocky relationship with in laws has just gone from terrible to worse. Trying to push around my family, not ask us what we would like or when we'd be available and just plain not listening to the "No" said 4 times. What do I do from here? My husband and I already have fought about his family and how we/they handle things and I feel like they are just trying to ruin another event in our lives and make it about them. Overwhelmed, stressed and irritated. HELP!!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Seeking advice on bad situation
Why can't they host their own shower for their side of the family? I had two different showers for my first with different sides of the family and it worked out great because both sides are fairly large.
That way they can have it work with their schedule, it won't interfere with your mom, and you can just show up. How do you think they would feel with just doing a shower for that side of the family?
Stick to your original plan. Good thing your mom has explained that she has things for "your side of the family" already set and invites are almost done. From there I wouldn't worry about what your IL's want to do. Your MIL and possibly SIL's can be invited to your mom's shower - if they want. I'm sure your mom would have had to put down a deposit on the venue anyway...and like you said invites are already being made. Don't let this stress you out. The ball is now in your IL's court. If they want to do a shower for their side they will need to pick a date that is good for YOU and your DH. If there isn't one suitable then I guess they don't have a shower for you. Enjoy the shower your mom is hosting.
PS: If you start letting your IL's walk all over you now...it will only get worse once your LO is born. Be strong.
THIS. And make sure DH backs you up 100%. You don't need to be stressed out while pg, they need to grow up, back off, and get off their lazy duffs. If my MIL pulled something like this, DH would be all over her for it. DH should not be arguing with you about his family, he should be arguing with his family about how wrong they are.
It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I don’t know you. Stranger Danger.
Stand strong. As said, if you give in, it tells them they can do whatever they want.
They are ballsy. REally ballsy. If I were your DH, I'd be tempted to tell them "back off. If you push this, this is going to greatly affect your relationship with ME, and through me, my child. Back off.,".
I'm not saying threaten that they won't see your child, but make it clear that this is pissing him off and they need to back off if they don't want to make things rocky with HIM.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stand your ground!
If I was your mother I would write SIL back with "I'm sorry we will not be seeing you at our shower." and leave it at that. No further communication, nothing.
If that still won't sit well with SIL then I'd tell her that her weekend won't work for you and again end it with "I'm sorry I won't be seeing you at the shower".
___________________________________________________________________________
Trying for #1 since May 2010 l DX ~ Unexplained Infertility June 2011
IUI #1&2 = BFN; IUI #3 = BFP, m/c @ 6 weeks
November '11 ~ IVF#1 ~ ER 11/18 (29R, 17F) ~ 5dt of one beautiful blast on 11/23 = BFP!!
Beta #1 9dp5dt = 116, P4 = 28 ~ Beta #2 13dp5dt = 700 ~ Beta #3 20dp5dt = 9500, P4 = 26
1st u/s 12/27 - hb of 156!! EDD 8.10.12
**TEAM GREEN!**
Sweet baby boy born 8.18.12
Trying for #2
FET #1 - October '13 - c/p l FET #2 - December '13 - cancelled
l FET #2.2 - 1.30.14 - BFN
~ More testing - hysteroscopy, endometrial biopsy & more b/w - all normal / negative~
Surprise BFP while waiting on FET #3 ~ beta #1 500; beta #2 1600; first u/s 4/3 - measuring 5w5d, no hb yet!; 2nd u/s 4/10 - hb 132, measuring 6w6d - EDD 11.29.14
**TEAM GREEN!**
Beautiful baby girl born 11.24.14
Wow.
Well you can have separate showers. No problem. Your mom has first dibs on that date as she has been planning it longer. If your ILs are hellbent on giving you a shower, then they can plan a separate one for you, working with your current schedule. And if that's too much effort for them, then your mom can just say, "well I'm sorry we will miss you at the shower." and be done with it.
Sheesh. Why do people have to make things so dramatic?! Your ILs sound so annoying.
As the others have said, separate showers are the way to go here. But that doesn't address the underlying problem with your pushy IL's.
Your DH should be handling this. He needs to set the boundaries with his family with respect to how they interact with your family and with you as well. He needs to let them know that while you both are extremely thankful they'd like to throw you a shower, th two of you have already made alternate and unbreakable plans for the weekend they've proposed.
I'm sorry to say this, but if he isn't handling this or doesn't agree, you have bigger problems, and they're only going to get worse once your child arrives and each side competes for attention/time with the LO.
1) If IL's want to do some sort of shower, they can throw it for you separately
2) Let your husband deal with them, it's HIS family