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Blended Families
"Demands" and how do you deal with them?
I posted a bit last week, but I recently found out that my husbands children (12 and 14) are demanding items from us now. These are items that do not belong to them. Both kids live full time with their BM. Technically DH has them EOWE, but they have not been here at all since the beginning of summer.
DH and I were talking over the weekend and he let me know that they have been texting him telling him that they want certain things. A lot of this seems like weird things for teenagers/kids to ask for. Like SS (14) wanted a certain set of sheets and blankets. Then he wanted a pair of our curtains. SD (12) wants a bunch of my craft stuff, she likes crafts, but this is expensive stuff that I've had for years before DH and I even met. There's been a few other things, but I don't remember it all. It just makes me leery.
When they have been here in the past they look around our home and make comments. You'd have to be here to hear their inflection, but it's almost as if they are making mental notes of the things we have, not just an observation. Then BM has mentioned some of these things to DH. The biggest one was that I had repainted a room in our house. I posted this a long time ago, but we seem to be continuing the same issue. I had gotten all the paint for about $10 (thank goodness for other people's mistake matching my colors!) Well BM texted DH within 30 minutes of the kids getting dropped off saying that if we could afford to repaint rooms in our house that we could afford other stuff for the kids.
This type of mentality is continuing with BM now "demanding" that DH get things for the kids. Texts like "school is coming up" accompanied with comments about us being "loaded" (HAHA!!!) DH now pays more than half of his income in CS. I bring home 1/3 of what DH does, and in a couple months I won't be working at all. I'm going back to school, and I'm taking the largest amount of student loans I can just to make sure we will be able to pay the bills.
Has anyone been able to solve a situation like this, or do you just have to document it and ignore it?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Demands" and how do you deal with them?
I think your DH needs to have a talk with BM, he has no obligation to her any longer. He has and obligation to his kids, he doesn't have to clarify why he is repainting rooms in his home! Next time she text something like "if we could afford to repaint rooms in our house that we could afford other stuff for the kids." he should offer to have the kids to live with you guys since she is having such a tough time making ends meet.
I bet it stops real fast.
As for the kids asking for stuff (even though I am sure it is coming from BM) what I would recommend is doing some kind of reward thing like if you get this on your report card I'll get you whatever it is that interest them. You know what I mean? That way you both can budget for it and the kids feel like dad cares.
I hope this helps.
I'm not quite in this situation but in the past when DH and I first started dating, BM would make comments about everything new she noticed like she was taking inventory of his lifestyle and how "extravagant" it had become. Umm, he bought a $14 pair of shorts from Ross...on his dime. Anyway, BM just moved back home with her mom because she's lost her job and still remains unemployed. She's already trying to guilt DH into private school for SS because "his socialization and education is at stake." I'm sorry, but he's 4, and if you are home, you can do those things for now rather than putting him in a pricey preK program.
I make much more money than DH and I think she thinks it's going to be ok to bleed DH dry because I can take care of us. But right now DH gives half of his paycheck to her, and I believe he needs to provide also for his household here. I don't care what I can afford. DH agrees. SS doesn't go without for anything. So, it's not like he's not getting basics. Far from it. He gets much more, in both households.
We also just put an offer in on the house. SS told BM this over skype this morning (he's here for his summer visitation) and it was innocent on his part, but I couldn't help but cringe. I'm sure she's thinking we're living the high life when in reality the mortgage would be the same as our rent. Sigh.
Sorry you are dealing with this. I would do what PP mentioned and say something to the effect that if she believes her children should have the things that are at Dad's house, the kids are welcome to come live there. And ignoring and stopping the behavior early would be key. Learn to say no to BM. Ignore the snide comments. If the kids ask for stuff that are yours, it's ok to say no. If they want similar things, they can put it on their wish lists and work towards earning them. I would also consider having them keep their things that you get for them at your place for them to use there. Or some of it at least. We keep our own things for SS here. Otherwise, we'd never see them again.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
This is a DH issue.
Your StepChildren (and BM) can ask for anything they want. But HE doesnt have to give more than the Court Ordered Child Support.
HE needs to man up and tell the kids and BM that they already receive the amount that the State and Court have recognized as reasonably adequate. And if they want more, above and beyond that, they should look at getting part time jobs, like any other teenager in the United States.
As for getting them on the weekends during the Summer - that TOO is your DH's fault. If HE doesnt want to enforce his LEGAL custody, then HE (and therefore you) cannot kvetch about it.
ditto illumine.
so their behavior is weird. whatever. let them take inventory all they want. ignore the comments from BM, or respond how PP said "well if you are struggling financially with them I will stop paying CS and take full custody of the kids"
also, if you have EOWE visitation, why have you not seen the kids in 2 months??? your DH needs to enforce his visitation which he is LEGALLY entitled to. if BM is witholding the children she is in contempt.
If my kids told me they wanted a certain kind of sheets, I'd tell them that I'd be happy to get them - as long as that child was willing to work to pay for the cost of them (above and beyond the regular chores). And trust me, a teenager would be doing things like cleaning out the garbage, doing yardwork, washing the car. Or you could give them the option of buying the craft supplies and blankets out of their allowence (I would make an exception if, for example, your SS had eczema or some kind of skin condition that made sheet choice a difference - but even that wouldn't cover the drapes!). If they complained, I'd tell them "hey, everyone in this house WORKS for the things they want. You are no different." In the long run, you are doing them a favor by teaching them that good things come to people who are willing to work for them.
We do this now with my kids -- DD wants itunes credits, DS wants money to buy extra credits for his computer games. They clean the yard, do extra housework, help with laundry, etc.
My kids know better to DEMAND anything of me - that is a parenting issue, and if your SKs think they can DEMAND anything from your H, then he is going to have to step up and give them a reality check. If he is too cowed, then that's on him. There is only so much you can blame a bratty BM on this. Your SKs will know what stunts they can pull in your house and what they can't.
As far as BM is concerned, your DH need to set her straight, as well. If she makes a comment on what you / H can afford or not afford, he needs to hang up. You could have spent $200 / gal on paint - it's none of her business. Your H pays support for his children - he is under no obligation to buy pricey sheets or craft supplies. Kids from intact families don't get everything they want, and your SKs aren't anything special.
I couldn't have said this better.
My kids try to demand things all the time. I tell them no.
DS is older, so we've given him a list of chores he can do for $$. They go beyond the regular stuff we expect from him, so there's a very clear defining line. If he says he wants XYZ, we tell him to find out how much it costs, and we will help him figure out the chores he needs to do to earn it.
The only thing that my kids can ask for and almost always get are books. I take them to the library, used book stores, B&N, etc, and will generally get them whatever they want. But that's an offer they both know is always open, so it's not really a demand.
I'm not quoting anyone because I do agree with you all.
DH told me this morning that they did some of their demands again last night. This is always via text, so it's hard to tell if it really is the kids or not, but DH did tell them no and to quit asking for things.
We are still fresh off of the court procedures chopping block, and trying to gain our footing. DH has decided that the kids are old enough to decide whether or not they want to come over, and so has left it up to them as to if they do or not. I don't agree with this, but it is not my decision to make.DH knows my stance on it all.
We have done "incentives" before and quite honestly the kids don't care. They just say that their mom will buy it without expecting them to do anything.
As of right now, we do not have one extra cent (I'm really not exaggerating here) I've posted before that the only reason we have internet is because my parents pay the cost of it while I'm in school. Once I am out of school I will make good money, and I expect even more "money" stuff from her like one of the PP's experiences now.
I too have to laugh about the housing stuff like the PP that is buying a house that costs the same. Our mortgage is $300 a month. Try to rent something for that. But BM always makes snide comments about DH owning his own home and how that must mean he is well off. Little does she know that we are about one late payment away from losing it anyway. Why? Because the CS she got granted leaves DH, DS and I living on about $100 a week on a good week.
DH never doesn't pay his support though. We do what we have to to survive.
I feel ya on the "down to the cent" thing... BD tells kids it's "mom's turn" to buy new shoes etc, complains in the court complaint that I live in a house where I have to share a room with my daughter, yet doesn't pay CS (it's never been ordered)... I literally check my bank account every day to see how many dollars are in there... sigh.