visitation and custody questions...also those who BF?
BeachBlondie456
member
i am in the process of getting an emergency temporary custody order in place for my 9 1/2 month old baby... i separated from my H over a month ago, and he was served last week. during the time we were together he spent little to no time with her, and was gone for the last couple months that i was living with him, so she really doesnt know him AT ALL.
i guess im wondering, if i am awarded sole custody, how do they go about visitation for a situation like this? i know he will get time with her because he doesnt have any reason NOT to really. will they allow supervision by me until she is used to him? surely they would let him take her alone until she knows him better? i am so worried because she has separation anxiety anyway and she will freak out if he has her and she doesnt know him. or do the courts not care about this kind of thing?
when do overnights start?
also does the fact that i am breastfeeding make a difference? she does not take bottles at all.
anyone set my mind at ease? TIA
Re: visitation and custody questions...also those who BF?
You sound a lot like me! I'm a newbie to all of this, and I know each state does things differently. I'm in NJ so I'm not sure how similar the courts where you are will be.
Before I even separated from my STBXH he barely spent time with DD, he had anger issues, and previously tried to kill himself, so a judge ordered supervised visitation pending a psychiatric evaluation. Sometimes if the father hasn't really been in the child's life or anything the judge will grant supervised visitation for a period of time, that's what the judge was leaning towards even before he knew of the attempted suicide. However, I was not allowed to be the supervisor, apparently it has to be someone else besides the mother, so I have good friends that supervise since she knows them well. I too worry a lot about her separation anxiety, especially since Saturday visitations are sometimes at his sister's house, and she doesn't know either of them well, and I'm only allowed to stop in to breastfeed. The courts are usually pretty in favor of breastfeeding, especially as I emphasized that DD will NOT take a bottle, at all. I was actually pleasantly surprised that they didn't try and make me put her on a bottle. I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm a SAHM, so its not like we're separated during the day. Their thoughts, if a daycare provider/babysitter can provide a bottle, so can the father. If not, then they will usually default to the breastfeeding.
They wanted to start supervised overnights, but I practically pleaded with the judge and told him she really isn't ready. We are going to revisit the issue at our next court date in October, after DD is a year, but I still don't think she will be ready for overnights. I want her to be at LEAST 2, preferably 3. I want to be able to communicate to her that Mommy isn't abandoning her.
My best advice is make sure you focus everything on your child's best interests. That's what the court wants, and you need to communicate that to them. Don't be afraid to show some emotion either.
In terms of separation anxiety, if you get supervised visits, see if people she knows well can be the supervisor. And if you get unsupervised, start with several short separations, like an hour or two, 3x a week, then build up as her comfort level increases.
If you can do those free consultations some large law firms do, you can at least arm yourself with some info as well.
Hope I was at least somewhat helpful. Wishin' you all the best!
In CA exclusively bfing does make a difference. But in my case they said it would only be able to come in to play until the kids were a year old since by that time pretty much all pedi's say they can drink milk and other things.
Sorry to tell you but if he has no reason NOT to see your DD and WANTS to, which is a big thing in most cases!, then he probably will be awarded visitation and it will most likely not be supervised and include nights.
I worried sooo much about custody and we still don't have our custody arrangement legally binding but have been to mediation and it is about to be entered in to court. In my soon to be ExH's case he talked the talk about wanting the kids SO much but when it actually came down to it he just didn't want to do the work. I realized later I had worried myself literally sick over nothing.
Before we went to court at all and things were just "worked out" between us, I learned to count that 8 out of 10 times he wouldnt show up at all when he was supposed to take the kids and the other 1 time he would bring them right back. So he only ended up having them maybe 2-3 times a month. which trust me was hard enough! But you end up learning to deal with it b.c you have to.
Hang in there, it will get better. And he probably can be awarded just visitation