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Adoption
Adopted child & meeting biological mom ?? (long)
I really torn about what to do and need some advice. Having a little girl myself and another on the way in November I now have a different perspective to my own adoption then I did growing up.
Here?s a little background.
I was adopted (30 years ago) by a wonderful family and have had a great life thanks to them! At that time both my biological and adoptive parents signed an agreement that neither would contact the other in the future. That included me contacting my biological parents and then contacting me.
Well the rules changed 8 years ago and my biological parents were allowed to contact me if they wanted to. My birth mother did seek me out thorough an agency. We started by writing letters and then met in person 2 years ago.
Here?s the problem?my adoptive mother was very upset when I told her that my biological mother contacted me. Now I?m torn if I should respect my adoptive mother?s wishes to not have contact with my biological mother OR continue to see my birth mother (and her new family) on occasion (FYI: she lives 1hr away, has another daughter living in the same city as me, and a cottage 20 mins from ours).
What would you do if your adopted child came to you 30 years from now and wanted to get to know their biological parents?
Side note: In my mind my adoptive parents are my mom and dad (and will always be that). I?m still struggling with how much I even want to be a part of my biological mother?s life and family.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Adopted child & meeting biological mom ?? (long)
Has your mom given reasons why she doesn't want you to have contact? As a birthmom and a soon-to-be adoptive parent, the only situation I can understand this being appropriate to feel is if your birthparents were unstable or into some bad things when you were born. Obviously, now that you're a 30 year old woman, that seems like it should be less of an issue.
I know adoption wasn't the way it is now, with the focus being on letting the child have access to birthparents, but I guess I just don't get why a-parents get upset about their kids having contact with their b-parents.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
I guess I'm a little confused, and the details may impact how I see your mom's reaction.
You say they all signed an agreement for no contact, so I can see your mom feeling somewhat betrayed by your birthmom when she contacted you. Esp in your early 20s, which can be a big transition time for a lot of people.
But you also say the rules changed 8 years ago and your BPs were allowed to contact you. Did your parents change the rules? The agency they used? Some state-associated group? If your parents initiated the change, I don't see why your mom is upset.
Bottom line: you are now a grown woman, and can do what you want to do. But I would tease out what's up with your mom before moving forward so you can figure out better how to handle this.
GL.
These questions are really tough because generationally much has changed in adoption. Apples and oranges.
Current trends say that children do better knowing their roots and not having closed adoptions. I am not suggesting that this was a bad thing for you... it's just current trends like much of parenting.
I think most of us would say that we would welcome a meeting... but we aren't in your mom's mind where she believes it was best to have a closed adoption. She may be feeling threatened or questioning your commitment to your family... who knows.
I think the best advice I can give is to be honest and open w/your mom... if she's up for it, encourage her to talk with young adoptive moms about why we choose open adoption. It may help her see the situation differently.
Hugs to you.... you arne't in an easy position.
The rules in Canada as a whole changed that allowed those agreements to become nullified. So, no, my my parents didn't change the agremment it was the government.
Thanks for your input!