Am I being rude? (shower related, long)

brianabrad · July 2012

Okay, so I need some thoughts ladies. I want to know if I'm being rude.

A little background. DH and I live in one town, my mom in another and the majority of my family in another about an 1.5 to 2 hours from DH and I. For our wedding, my family hosted a shower in their town and my friends did a local one for me. It was nice but turn out for my friends shower was a little low and I felt bad that my friends had gone to all the trouble and then turn out was low.

My BFF offered to host a baby shower for me and I'm super excited for her to do that. However, my mom thinks I should let me family who lives about two hours away host one as well, basically do it the same way we did the wedding. I'm not to crazy about the idea for several reasons.

1. Between now and when baby is due, DH and I basically have 3 free weekends that we could have a shower because we have season football tickets and travel plans for a family wedding.

2. One of those 3 free weekends has now been taken up with our birth / hospital class.

3. The third free weekend I fear gets too close to Thanksgiving and Christmas travel season plus it also gets close to when I'll be so pregnant I won't want to do anything.

So I told my mom I just want one shower, hosted by BFF in our town (1.5 to 2 hours from most of my family). My mom says I'm being rude, that I shouldn't make family travel, that some might not come because of it, and that I'm being and I quote "just like all those other young pregnant girls who think its all about them". My thought is hello I'm pregnant and yes the shower is all about me.

So I want to know, am I being rude only wanting one shower and requesting that family travel for it? I've already talked to BFF and we'll send out invites early so everyone can have time to make plans. If some family can't come because of the travel, I totally understand and that is their call. We are planning for DH and my male family members to do a "diaper" party deal at a local bar just a few miles from our place so my family can travel with their husbands/SO/what have you and the boys can enjoy bar food and a beer while the ladies enjoy the shower at our place.

P.S. - sorry that is so long!

JennV514 · July 2012

I don't think you're being rude. I did all that running around for my wedding, and I asked that for the baby shower we keep it to one. I don't know if people were upset- no one mentioned it to me. I'm sorry your Mom is making you feel guilty.

mallorynoble · July 2012

You can't make everybody happy. You have to make yourself happy. It is about family too, but they should be willing to be more understanding, if they can't make it they can always send a card or something. Pregnancy isn't a time to stress over the little things. Be true to yourself and it will be worth it.

sbevmc09 · July 2012

I don't think you're being rude, necessarily. It sounds like it would be easier though to host the one shower nearer your family just because it sounds like by hosting it near you you're asking more people to travel. Have you considered letting your mom host the shower and inviting friends to that one?

brianabrad · July 2012

sbevmc09:
I don't think you're being rude, necessarily. It sounds like it would be easier though to host the one shower nearer your family just because it sounds like by hosting it near you you're asking more people to travel. Have you considered letting your mom host the shower and inviting friends to that one?

That wouldn't be a bad idea but my mom's house is about the same distance for family to travel (about 2 hours) and she only has to travel about 45 minutes to get to us. Travel times are different because for family to get to us they can take the interstate to get to her you have to take back highways or the interstate and then cut over. Her house is really not the best for large amount of company. She has several small dogs that don't do well with people and its an older house that needs work. I think asking her to host something like that would just stress her out and plus I'd probably have to spend a month going down to help her clean before hand, so more work on me too.

dulcemariamar1 · July 2012

I am sorry your mother said that to you. That was harsh.

I am not a football fan, but would it be possible to give up one game for a shower? Do you need to travel far to get to the game because I dont understand why you need the whole weekend for the game. If the game is on Sunday, why cant you have the shower on Saturday?

If you only have a party with your local friends, how many people would more or less show up? I think small parties are okay and it would be easier for your BFF to plan a party for 10 then a party for 30 or more people.

You are the MTB so in the end it is your decision to decide where and when you want the shower. As a guest, I would not be thrilled with the idea of traveling 4 hours for a party that usually last between 2 or 3. I am lazy, so to be honest I would skip it and just send you a gift.

Mommyluv384 · July 2012

I only had one shower and most of my aunts cousins and grandmother live 2 hours away from Where my shower was...none showed up. it was not a big deal to me. I was semi upset but didn't let it ruin my day. It's really up to you if you care of those ppl won't or can't come that far.

qteepie42899 · July 2012

I do not think you are being rude at all. I had 4 separate showers for my wedding and it was ok, but we opted NOT to do it again for baby. Most people are fine with sending a card and money or gift card if they can't make the shower. Do you travel back near your family for the holidays? Maybe it is possible to have your family do a small "shower" at your Thanksgiving or something? My mother in laws family is weird and they don't invite many people so they all just brought us presents at our family Easter dinner. They did the same for my DH's cousin's "shower" at Thanksgiving one year. Good luck hun. You shouldn't be worrying about this.

Kie310 · July 2012

Who ever asked to host first wins. And that's what I would say to my mom, "So and so asked to host first, I already had told her yes & I don't want more than 1 shower."

It's what happened with me. My mom & BFF wanted to throw one together & then my MIL was trying to host something too. I told my MIL (nicely) that it just really was too much to have 2 showers. Then I ended up on bed rest and was so glad I only had to deal with getting to and being at one.

ashdonne · July 2012

dulcemariamar1:

I am sorry your mother said that to you. That was harsh.

I am not a football fan, but would it be possible to give up one game for a shower? Do you need to travel far to get to the game because I dont understand why you need the whole weekend for the game. If the game is on Sunday, why cant you have the shower on Saturday?

If you only have a party with your local friends, how many people would more or less show up? I think small parties are okay and it would be easier for your BFF to plan a party for 10 then a party for 30 or more people.

You are the MTB so in the end it is your decision to decide where and when you want the shower. As a guest, I would not be thrilled with the idea of traveling 4 hours for a party that usually last between 2 or 3. I am lazy, so to be honest I would skip it and just send you a gift.

This! Even if you have season tickets for football there should be quite a few games that are out of town---do you really plan to travel to every game and does the game take all weekend?? Lots of showers I've been to have been on Sunday afternoons.

Also I agree---small showers can be nice and way less stressful---I would just not invite people to both so your friends know it is a small shower. In the end its your party but I tend to think that when it comes to showers you should be a little more gracious than normal because no one has to throw you a shower at all really.

And especially agree with the bolded.

Allison546 · July 2012

I kinda think you should let the 2 showers happen. I don't think you should be "calling the shots" and vetoing the 2nd shower. I understand where you're coming from but I also think you need to just step back and let other people do the planning.

I also think 2 showers will end up working in your favor, so just go with it.

Allison546 · July 2012

Allison546:

I kinda think you should let the 2 showers happen. I don't think you should be "calling the shots" and vetoing the 2nd shower. I understand where you're coming from but I also think you need to just step back and let other people do the planning.

I also think 2 showers will end up working in your favor, so just go with it.

I also want to add that I'm coming from the perspective of a person who tried to host a 2nd baby shower for my SIL last year. Because of the distance away for our family, financial reasons (a small 2nd shower more feasible than trying to throw one big shower) ,as well as some family drama in not wanting to plan it with her mother (long story), we wanted to hold a smaller 2nd shower hosted by our family for her as a nice gesture. My SIL ended up vetoing it and not understanding our very legitimate reasons why we wanted to do our own shower. It left a very bad taste in my mouth in how she acted, and we ended up having pretty low attendance at the "joint" shower because of the distance away from our side of the family. So, I think in the end she regretted it.

pghctwife · July 2012

How low a turnout are we talking? I personally like smaller showers better. I had 2 showers for both wedding and baby - a local one (my side) and one in PA (ILs). The local ones were small (20 people maybe?) and intimate. No games etc etc... just a nice luncheon and chatting and gifts. The ones in PA were enormous and overwhelming.

Given the distances and since they both WANT to throw you a shower I would let them do it.

+lisamarie+ · July 2012

I dont think its rude, but this kind of thing is important to our mom's! They want to be a part of the planning and all and she may feel left out. Is there a way to maybe have it somewhere a little closer to them to cut the drive down a bit? It wouldnt be a big deal to have your friends and people in your area to drive 20-30 minutes. Maybe that will be a "compromise"?

laurapacheco · July 2012

Since it sounds like there are more out-of-town family than in-town friends (who would actually show up), I would have the shower where the majority of your family are (not your mom's town). If your BFF wants to host perhaps she could team up with one of your family members who lives in this town & would be willing to let your BFF host the shower at their house. I agree with PP in that most people are not going to make a 4 hour roundtrip drive for an event that lasts 2-3 hours max... so if you insisted on hosting it where you & your BFF are, you might regret it.

brianabrad · July 2012

ashdonne:
dulcemariamar1:

I am sorry your mother said that to you. That was harsh.

I am not a football fan, but would it be possible to give up one game for a shower? Do you need to travel far to get to the game because I dont understand why you need the whole weekend for the game. If the game is on Sunday, why cant you have the shower on Saturday?

If you only have a party with your local friends, how many people would more or less show up? I think small parties are okay and it would be easier for your BFF to plan a party for 10 then a party for 30 or more people.

You are the MTB so in the end it is your decision to decide where and when you want the shower. As a guest, I would not be thrilled with the idea of traveling 4 hours for a party that usually last between 2 or 3. I am lazy, so to be honest I would skip it and just send you a gift.

This! Even if you have season tickets for football there should be quite a few games that are out of town---do you really plan to travel to every game and does the game take all weekend?? Lots of showers I've been to have been on Sunday afternoons.

Also I agree---small showers can be nice and way less stressful---I would just not invite people to both so your friends know it is a small shower. In the end its your party but I tend to think that when it comes to showers you should be a little more gracious than normal because no one has to throw you a shower at all really.

And especially agree with the bolded.

You are correct there are games that are out of town and we will not be traveling for those games. The games we have tickets too are local and are on Saturday but we host my husbands friends in town that entire weekend, so I guess its a personal choice not to have the shower on a Sunday after a home game weekend. Weekends that have away games are early in the season such as first few weeks in September or we have other commitments such as a family wedding out of state, a work conference that meets all weekend that I must attend and our hospital birth class which due to DH's work scheduled we have to do the all day Saturday class and not the one that meets during the week.

I agree with you that as a guest I would not be thrilled with the idea but for my family it will be 1.5 to 2 hours of travel like I said prior if they would like to come I'd love it but if not I can't be concerned.

brianabrad · July 2012

A quick thanks to everyone who made it through my original post and offered advice. Everyone has made some great points and I do understand why it would be hard for family to travel and it will certainly be something to take into consideration.

To answer a question from above about low turn out for a friends shower at the wedding, it was basically me, my mom and my bridal party and only two of 10 or so invited friends. I just felt bad that my friends took the time to buy food and host a part for basically themselves.

luvindanimals · July 2012

I think when the shower is being thrown for YOU then it is "all about you!" If you only want one then you should only have one! It might make your mom upset right now but I am sure it will all be forgotten by the time she is holding her grandbaby!

simplein06 · July 2012

It is all about you. However, If you had such a low turnout last time locally, I'm not sure why you would do it again. With that distance, I would assume most people that far away would not attend and you will end up with a low turnout again.

brianabrad · July 2012

simplein06:
It is all about you. However, If you had such a low turnout last time locally, I'm not sure why you would do it again. With that distance, I would assume most people that far away would not attend and you will end up with a low turnout again.

Good point. I assumed the low turn out had more with the fact that family wasn't invited since I had already had a family shower and I thought inviting them to a second shower seemed gift grabby.

dclsboo235 · July 2012

2 hours isn't that far away. And the shower is suppose to be all about you and the baby. I think if you invite them that so.e will come. My family lives 2.5 hours away And they always come up for importanat events like bridal showers Baby showers birthdays etc... its like a quarter tank of gas...so no your not being rude!

nycitygirl1 · July 2012

You're not being rude. Actually, I think your mom is trying to make this all about herself.

Having 1 shower is low-maintenance and nicer, I think. Multiple showers tend to get a little ridiculous and as long as you invite everyone you need to (family, etc) no one should get offended. It's expected that a shower would be in whatever location the mother-to-be currently lives in. If people don't want to travel (and this is totally understandable!) they can decline or just send a gift. It's really not that big of a deal.

IMO, your mom is being a diva and is having a fit because she wants her chance to be in the spotlight and is annoyed that SHE will have to travel and that your BFF is handling all the details.

Sorry you're having to deal with this BS!

pghctwife · July 2012

just want to throw out also... IMO a baby shower is NOT 'all about the mom.' I look at is as a celebration of a new baby, and celebrating the family. I do think that the future grandmothers are important too, and if your mom really wants to be involved in the shower and (reading between the lines) really wants to be sure her family and friends can be there to celebrate... I dont think that she is out of line for that. Id find a date that works and let her run with it myself. It just doesnt seem like a battle worth picking inhte scheme of things, kwim? When someone wants to use a crib from 30 years ago or give you a painted basinette from that era (um hi lead paint) etc... to me those are (and those WERE real life examples for me lol) battles worth picking. JMO.

misscarter87 · July 2012

brianabrad:

Okay, so I need some thoughts ladies. I want to know if I'm being rude.

A little background. DH and I live in one town, my mom in another and the majority of my family in another about an 1.5 to 2 hours from DH and I. For our wedding, my family hosted a shower in their town and my friends did a local one for me. It was nice but turn out for my friends shower was a little low and I felt bad that my friends had gone to all the trouble and then turn out was low.

My BFF offered to host a baby shower for me and I'm super excited for her to do that. However, my mom thinks I should let me family who lives about two hours away host one as well, basically do it the same way we did the wedding. I'm not to crazy about the idea for several reasons.

1. Between now and when baby is due, DH and I basically have 3 free weekends that we could have a shower because we have season football tickets and travel plans for a family wedding.

2. One of those 3 free weekends has now been taken up with our birth / hospital class.

3. The third free weekend I fear gets too close to Thanksgiving and Christmas travel season plus it also gets close to when I'll be so pregnant I won't want to do anything.

So I told my mom I just want one shower, hosted by BFF in our town (1.5 to 2 hours from most of my family). My mom says I'm being rude, that I shouldn't make family travel, that some might not come because of it, and that I'm being and I quote "just like all those other young pregnant girls who think its all about them". My thought is hello I'm pregnant and yes the shower is all about me.

So I want to know, am I being rude only wanting one shower and requesting that family travel for it? I've already talked to BFF and we'll send out invites early so everyone can have time to make plans. If some family can't come because of the travel, I totally understand and that is their call. We are planning for DH and my male family members to do a "diaper" party deal at a local bar just a few miles from our place so my family can travel with their husbands/SO/what have you and the boys can enjoy bar food and a beer while the ladies enjoy the shower at our place.

P.S. - sorry that is so long!

No i dont think you are being rude at all..you are being reasonable!!:) Yes i would send out invites early so they can all know &plan ahead of time! Afterall you are the mommy to be so why would it be a problem for them to travel to you thats understandable!

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · July 2012

I would have it in whichever town there are more people attending from. So, if the family is in the majority, it would be in their town. BFF could still plan it, it just wouldn't be right nearby. There's no reason she can't plan it for the other town, or maybe she and your mom could plan it together.

I just can't see the point in making 30 people travel 1.5-2 hours to meet up with 10 friends (obv. just an example, I have no idea how many people you are having), since you said the turnout for the in-town wedding shower was significantly lower than the family one.

I think it is absolutely reasonable to want only one shower, but I would try to keep travel logistics in mind, as it's more fair to have a few people travel rather than the majority.

simplein06 · July 2012

brianabrad:
simplein06:

It is all about you. However, If you had such a low turnout last time locally, I'm not sure why you would do it again. With that distance, I would assume most people that far away would not attend and you will end up with a low turnout again.

Good point. I assumed the low turn out had more with the fact that family wasn't invited since I had already had a family shower and I thought inviting them to a second shower seemed gift grabby.

I am in the same position as you with having family 2+ hours away. I am having 2 showers for this reason. One put on by my best friend and one by my mom.

You know your family. I know some of my family would not travel down to me because they are older and I want to include them. If you won't be disappointed with a low turnout if they decide not to drive, just have it local and call it a day.

I would just be cautious on what you say to family and friends regarding why you aren't having 2 showers again since I'm sure the question will be asked. I know personally I'd be a bit miffed if someone said that they could only have one shower (and made me drive 2 hours) because they don't have 2 weekends free because of football games. If it was presented that you decided you only wanted one shower that would be completely different ;-)

brianabrad · July 2012

simplein06:
brianabrad:
simplein06:

It is all about you. However, If you had such a low turnout last time locally, I'm not sure why you would do it again. With that distance, I would assume most people that far away would not attend and you will end up with a low turnout again.

Good point. I assumed the low turn out had more with the fact that family wasn't invited since I had already had a family shower and I thought inviting them to a second shower seemed gift grabby.

I am in the same position as you with having family 2+ hours away. I am having 2 showers for this reason. One put on by my best friend and one by my mom.

You know your family. I know some of my family would not travel down to me because they are older and I want to include them. If you won't be disappointed with a low turnout if they decide not to drive, just have it local and call it a day.

I would just be cautious on what you say to family and friends regarding why you aren't having 2 showers again since I'm sure the question will be asked. I know personally I'd be a bit miffed if someone said that they could only have one shower (and made me drive 2 hours) because they don't have 2 weekends free because of football games. If it was presented that you decided you only wanted one shower that would be completely different ;-)

Valid point. When it comes down to it I do just only want one shower. Partly because we are very busy and also partly because I just like the idea of one large shower with family and friends to celebrate.

brianabrad · July 2012

Pgh-CTBride:
just want to throw out also... IMO a baby shower is NOT 'all about the mom.' I look at is as a celebration of a new baby, and celebrating the family. I do think that the future grandmothers are important too, and if your mom really wants to be involved in the shower and (reading between the lines) really wants to be sure her family and friends can be there to celebrate... I dont think that she is out of line for that. Id find a date that works and let her run with it myself. It just doesnt seem like a battle worth picking inhte scheme of things, kwim? When someone wants to use a crib from 30 years ago or give you a painted basinette from that era (um hi lead paint) etc... to me those are (and those WERE real life examples for me lol) battles worth picking. JMO.

Totally agree. Sorry if it sounded like I was throwing an ITS ABOUT ME party. :-) I do want my mom to be involved and have talked to her about planning, etc with my BFF. She seemed happy with that and wants to help with small details. I also know that my mom would not be able to plan a shower at her house due to location and other reason so if she was to host, I feel like it would fall back on me and I don't want to be throwing my own shower especially when BFF offered and is excited to plan it.

pghctwife · July 2012

brianabrad:
[
Totally agree. Sorry if it sounded like I was throwing an ITS ABOUT ME party. :-) I do want my mom to be involved and have talked to her about planning, etc with my BFF. She seemed happy with that and wants to help with small details. I also know that my mom would not be able to plan a shower at her house due to location and other reason so if she was to host, I feel like it would fall back on me and I don't want to be throwing my own shower especially when BFF offered and is excited to plan it.

You didnt come across that way at all, some of the replies did - thats all

That sounds like a good solution; sounds like your mom is happy with it and that is important. It doesnt seem like an issue to start WW3 over is all

jessrenee11 · July 2012

Maybe its just me but I think its a tad bit selfish to not have a shower closer to all your family, especially if they want to throw you one. I mean they are wanting to spend their money on gifts for you and your child and you expect them to throw in a tank of gas on top of all that? Eh, maybe its me but I would have a 2nd shower and let your family celebrate with you.

sugaplumx27 · July 2012

seriously? i think its crazy rude for people to expect a pregnant lady about to pop to travel ANYWHERE for her baby shower. *** if it took 9 months to book a special restaurant party room for your shower, and the day before you decide your to tired to leave the house, everyone should be packing up and heading to YOU!!!!

YOURE PREGNANT, ITS YOUR BABY, ITS YOUR SHOWER, this is the last time it might ACTUALLY be ALL about you!!!!! (baby too of course, but baby is inside, so...technically....still you lol)

just my opinion. i'm stubborn, and id be royally irritated if someone told me i was rude for not wanting to travel 2 hours for my own party. and if family doesnt want to make a little trip to celebrate with you, then whatever.

brianabrad · July 2012

sugaplumx27:
seriously? i think its crazy rude for people to expect a pregnant lady about to pop to travel ANYWHERE for her baby shower. *** if it took 9 months to book a special restaurant party room for your shower, and the day before you decide your to tired to leave the house, everyone should be packing up and heading to YOU!!!!

YOURE PREGNANT, ITS YOUR BABY, ITS YOUR SHOWER, this is the last time it might ACTUALLY be ALL about you!!!!! (baby too of course, but baby is inside, so...technically....still you lol)

just my opinion. i'm stubborn, and id be royally irritated if someone told me i was rude for not wanting to travel 2 hours for my own party. and if family doesnt want to make a little trip to celebrate with you, then whatever.

SugaPlum ~ You really just made my day. I was feeling good about my decision last night but reading your post really helped. Thanks!

pghctwife · July 2012

sugaplumx27:
seriously? i think its crazy rude for people to expect a pregnant lady about to pop to travel ANYWHERE for her baby shower. *** if it took 9 months to book a special restaurant party room for your shower, and the day before you decide your to tired to leave the house, everyone should be packing up and heading to YOU!!!!

YOURE PREGNANT, ITS YOUR BABY, ITS YOUR SHOWER, this is the last time it might ACTUALLY be ALL about you!!!!! (baby too of course, but baby is inside, so...technically....still you lol)

just my opinion. i'm stubborn, and id be royally irritated if someone told me i was rude for not wanting to travel 2 hours for my own party. and if family doesnt want to make a little trip to celebrate with you, then whatever.

Good lord, we are pregnant not disabled! There is no reason why, with a normal pregnancy, you cant travel 2 hours for a shower before reaching full term.

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