I want to talk about helicopter parenting...

KBBH · July 2012

I don't understand this. I think it has set up and begun to build a culture of irresponsible, winy, selfish people. IMO, kids need to learn from their parents, not be run BY their parents. They need to experience natural consequences, not have every battle fought for them. They need to build their own self, not have it guided directly for them.

I see these parents. I see it happening daily. And it drives. me. nuts.

Sparklyunicornstarfish · July 2012

I completely disagree. I need to make sure my DD is protected from everything in this world. What is it going to teach her if she falls down and hurts herself?

I am glad for that reason that they removed all those high jungle gyms ages ago. Children do not need to climb that high. Also, it is a good thing that kids don't walk to school anymore. What if something happens? Statistics show that it almost never does, but why take the chance?

I also plan on helping my kid do all her homework, even if it means that I stay up most of the night to make it perfect. Only the very best for my little princess! I also look forward to being there at her first job interview. No-one is a reference like an involved parent!

You go and leave your child to be raise by wolves, I will be there every single step of the way, holding her hand, making her wear a safety vest, a helmet and some protective gloves.

Kaeldrasmommy · July 2012

I don't have more than a moment right now, but are you familiar with Love and Logic? It sounds like you would love it. I think it's excellent, it fits very well with how we parent.

knottie198f1ac43570b6c2 · July 2012

I know a mom with a one year old who literally hovers over him one hundred percent of the time. She must be exhausted.

I say there is a line between appropriately protecting your child and smothering them. I also say there is a line between relaxed parenting and negligence as well.

Preventing your kid from falling down the steps by being careful and putting up a baby gate makes sense. Following your child around and not letting them out of your sight for fear that they might fall down the steps is stupid. As is letting your kid run wild and if they fall down the stairs sayin oh well, they won't do it again.

I think to make everyone happy when it comes to parenting you have to find a middle ground.

KBBH · July 2012

Sparklyunicornstarfish:
I completely disagree. I need to make sure my DD is protected from everything in this world. What is it going to teach her if she falls down and hurts herself?

I am glad for that reason that they removed all those high jungle gyms ages ago. Children do not need to climb that high. Also, it is a good thing that kids don't walk to school anymore. What if something happens? Statistics show that it almost never does, but why take the chance?

I also plan on helping my kid do all her homework, even if it means that I stay up most of the night to make it perfect. Only the very best for my little princess! I also look forward to being there at her first job interview. No-one is a reference like an involved parent!

You go and leave your child to be raise by wolves, I will be there every single step of the way, holding her hand, making her wear a safety vest, a helmet and some protective gloves.

Amazon may have bubbles for sale you can put DD in, too. ;-)

smilelari · July 2012

Kaeldrasmommy:
I don't have more than a moment right now, but are you familiar with Love and Logic? It sounds like you would love it. I think it's excellent, it fits very well with how we parent.

I'm a big fan of Love and Logic. Didn't know much about it until having kids, but it turns out I've been using it on DH for years

mben1119 · July 2012

KBBH, I'm with you. People comment on my parenting, saying I treat DS like a "third child", because I'm not all over him 24/7. I want to foster independence and self-reliance, along with a knowing that DH and I love him more than anything else. My husband calls helicopter parenting one of the reasons for the "pussification" of American children.

mrsjenniferg2010 · July 2012

I agree with you. I think children need to learn to fight their own battles and learn to solve their own problems. Their parents are not always going to be there to help.

I also wanted to add. My DH is a bit helicopterish and it drives me crazy. When DS is doing something himself like climbing. DH is right there guiding him up the play structure. He knows how to do it himself. He plays with things like that all the time when its just us. I hardly if at all helped. He figured it out by watching other kids.

valerieanne9015 · July 2012

I totally agree, I can't imagine hovering over DD all the time. It drives me crazy when I see that! On a family trip last year, 2 of my cousins with kids were there, they were both 1y/o and running around on the completely enclosed deck. One cousin just let her LO run all over and she loved it, the other was hovering over her LO making sure he didn't get close to the edge because he might fall off! The slats were literally 1 in apart and very sturdy, I couldn't believe it! DD is going to learn by making mistakes, to an extent, obviously I won't let her do anything dangerous, but you can't learn to walk if you don't fall a little!

Vieve831 · July 2012

This is a funny struggle for me because I put a lot of thought into parenting (or how I want to parent) but always thought about the "toddler/kid" age and not so much the baby ages. I didn't know what to expect for the baby age.

Already I sense that I am laid back (not obsessive over germs, letting people hold DS, etc) - what other ways can you not be a helicopter right now? It's kind of our job to be helicopters at this age...

Today's world is also so different from when I was growing up. I feel like society in general is more overprotective of our children than we were (and I'm sure our parents felt the same way as it is ever-evolving).

So, while I do tend to be a little judgmental about helicopter parents and don't plan to be one - I'm sure there will be some things that I do that fall into that category. I haven't really BTDT yet so I can't say....

Nwlywed07 · July 2012

We are totally into Love and Logic at our house. DS is rarely bothered when he is playing unless he is in danger (like playing with electrical cords). We plan on continuing this practice. No bubbles for us!

People tell us too that we treat DS like a 3rd child. I take it as a compliment to my more laid back parenting style.

smilelari · July 2012

valerieanne9015:
I totally agree, I can't imagine hovering over DD all the time. It drives me crazy when I see that! On a family trip last year, 2 of my cousins with kids were there, they were both 1y/o and running around on the completely enclosed deck. One cousin just let her LO run all over and she loved it, the other was hovering over her LO making sure he didn't get close to the edge because he might fall off! The slats were literally 1 in apart and very sturdy, I couldn't believe it! DD is going to learn by making mistakes, to an extent, obviously I won't let her do anything dangerous, but you can't learn to walk if you don't fall a little!

The opposite is bothersome also. My example is my grandmother's 100th birthday. DS was about 1.5 and my cousin had a kid there about the same age. The party was at a nursing home which was totally not baby proofed at all. My cousin was letting her kid just wander around like a wild child, into patient rooms and such. She had no idea where the kid was at least 50% of the time. On the other hand, I was hovering a bit. I felt like I had to. Doors were wide open and I don't really want to lose track of my kid and have to run and find him after he completely escapes a building. Hover vs. not hover totally depends on the situation. I keep my house pretty well baby proofed specifically so that I don't need to hover.

RedCamaro · July 2012

You didn't include ages of these kids so I can only assume so much from your post. I kinda feel like if you saw me on the playground with my DD when she was 2 and 3 years old, that you might think that of me. When DD was 3, I was slowing starting the transition of letting her do things on her own. Now that she's 5, I just sit back and watch until she comes to me (unless she falls of course). At a certain age, you feel like you are just hovering and waiting for something to happen that you need to help with because of LO's limited ability. My DD was an only child at the time and she needed every bit of guidance from her parents to show her how to play nicely with other children. Also, children are mean and are more likely to remember their manners if an adult is around. However, out in public is the only time I would watch over her like that. At home, I would put up the baby gates and let her police herself.

Mom2Cinderella · July 2012

I had never heard the term helicopter parenting before today. I know I'm a bit of a control freak in general. I feel like I hover sometimes, and am laid back sometimes. If I'm out and about at a mall or amusement park or something, I'm neurotic. I prefer my DDs sit in the stroller so I don't have to worry about where the oldest has darted off to. If we are on a playground structure I try to stay close because even though she is 4 1/2, she still has some issues with climbing (she was in PT until she was 3 for gross motor delay). At home with DD2, I try to stay nearby because she loves to pull up to the table and has fallen, bumped her head and screamed about 8 times in the last 3 days. But if I'm at grandma's house who doesn't have a coffee table and everything is relatively soft, I'm ok with her being in the living room by herself for a few minutes. I can see her from the kitchen, but I dont' need to be on top of her.

I think every situation is different. I think every child is different. I think our jobs as parents are to always be there for our kids. We are their biggest advocates. However, I think they have to learn how to juggle jobs and stress and learn the consequences if they make bad decisions. But yes, if they make a bad decision, guess who will always be there to help? Right-me.

sap05e · July 2012

I feel like we live in a dangerous world... so much worse than when we were kids. I have bad anxiety as it is so I'm sure I'll hover, protect and baby my DD as long as I can. I want to be involved in her life as she gets older so we have a good, open relationship. I'm not going to do everything for her but I do feel like I should keep her safe... and to me, that means keeping her out of certain situations and places. I don't feel like I'm damaging her in any way.

Chan4dra04 · July 2012

My opinion is a collaboration of PPs:

I hover a bit right now. However, I relax a bit when I have another mom with a baby to watch and see what I can relax a bit on. Like sand...I was so scared of sand at the beach getting into her eye and scratching or going in to her mouth. It's because I haven't done this before. But, after talking my concerns out with another mom, I find my own middle ground and relax a bit. It's hard to know how to handle every situation inately. It may take me a few minutes or a few tries, but my goal is to be able to let DD explore and live safely and securely on her own.

For me, my ultimate goal is to teach DD to be a safe and healthy, independent person. I think that's the most important thing I can do for her. She needs to learn that when she falls, these things happen and yes it hurts but she will be ok. If I hover, how will she ever trust herself to make the right decision if I am always there to catch her or pick up the pieces?

smilelari · July 2012

I have another random example. We've taken DS hiking a few times recently. I feel like it's good for him to be outside in the mountains getting some exercise, but I get so freaking nervous that he's going to slip and fall especially with lots of rocks and a few steep grades involved. We went with a friend and her 2 kids last week and she is so relaxed compared to me. Her 2 year old was all over climbing on top of boulders and up the steepest paths. It helped me relax a little to see her be so laid back and we had a great time. You just have to find that middle balance between letting the kid learn and explore and keeping them safe.

RedCamaro · July 2012

smilelari:

The opposite is bothersome also. My example is my grandmother's 100th birthday. DS was about 1.5 and my cousin had a kid there about the same age. The party was at a nursing home which was totally not baby proofed at all. My cousin was letting her kid just wander around like a wild child, into patient rooms and such. She had no idea where the kid was at least 50% of the time. On the other hand, I was hovering a bit. I felt like I had to. Doors were wide open and I don't really want to lose track of my kid and have to run and find him after he completely escapes a building. Hover vs. not hover totally depends on the situation. I keep my house pretty well baby proofed specifically so that I don't need to hover.

This! Even though my DD is 5, when we go to Busch Gardens, I keep her in my eye sight all the time. I'd rather someone judge me than to have her taken away by some stranger because I was trying to be a "relaxed" parent.

KBBH · July 2012

I think there is a difference in protecting your child and keeping them from getting hurt or lost vs. "mowing down" every obstacle that gets in their way so that they can excel. My definition of a helicopter parent is someone who fights every battle, sees everything as a danger, and does all that they can to protect their little, fragile butterflies. I don't plan on letting my LO run away from me and explore when we are at an amusement park or in the woods, etc. That is just dumb. But if she makes a mistake or gets in trouble at school, I don't plan on turning a blind eye and clearly making it not her fault. "not MY child..." kinda thing. Nor am I going to let her go towards the steps in my home and fall down them. That is called parenting.

I'm taking about fighting every fight, removing all obstacles (tangible or not), NEGOTIATING her salary?? Yes...I mean it...calling the principle because she didn't turn in her homework and make him or her not get the normal penalty? Those are natural consequences...that's different IMO than LETTING her hurt herself willingly.

KBBH · July 2012

mabenner1:
KBBH, I'm with you. People comment on my parenting, saying I treat DS like a "third child", because I'm not all over him 24/7. I want to foster independence and self-reliance, along with a knowing that DH and I love him more than anything else. My husband calls helicopter parenting one of the reasons for the "pussification" of American children.

Yes

vlong4 · July 2012

I'm more of a lurker but I have some thoughts on this subject. Helicopter parenting drives me NUTS. I HAD (emphasizing HAD) a friend who helicoptered her son constantly. She would freak if he fell or bumped into anything, no matter how minimal. If she could buy a bubble, she would have. This resulted in her son manipulating her in every which way possible. He would not figure anything out for himself because he realized mommy would do it for him. This resulted in a whinny 3 year old who couldn't take more than two steps without his mother being over him.

I am cautious with my children. I watch DD, but usually from a bit further away. She knows where I am and I am there for hugs, kisses and band aids for scrapes and falls. DD is highly independent, figures things out on her own, loves to do everything "by myself' and I'm there for help when she needs it. Yes, I will be doing homework with my children but allowing them to make their own mistakes when appropriate. DD is covered in bruises and scrapes from climbing, falling off her scooter, learning to ride a two-wheeler, playing hop-scotch and playing in the park. She cries when gets hurt, i comfort and she shakes it off quickly.

Everyone has their own style of parenting. Do what works for you. I just plan on raising my children to be independent and be able to take a poop without me standing over them.

jnealet · July 2012

I think its a good goal to obtain but right now, we have to hover. Babies still have a lot of learning to do to figure out how the world works and what's safe and what's not safe. And, for me, throw in a 3 year old who is still learning what's safe for her and doesn't really think about the safety of her sister.

Yes, there are experiences that we can let them figure out for themselves at 7+ months old but those are few and far inbetween.

I think you have to worry more about helicopter parenting when the child is in middle school and beyond. I plan on being very involved and proactive in my girl's lives, I want to show them how to function in society and succeed in life. Its much more of a parent leading-child following situation until they are old enough to start reasoning.

I also worry that people are going to use it as an excuse to not be involved in their child's life. There has to be a happy medium, its just so hard to find.

mben1119 · July 2012

jnealet:

I think its a good goal to obtain but right now, we have to hover. Babies still have a lot of learning to do to figure out how the world works and what's safe and what's not safe. And, for me, throw in a 3 year old who is still learning what's safe for her and doesn't really think about the safety of her sister.

Yes, there are experiences that we can let them figure out for themselves at 7+ months old but those are few and far inbetween.

I think you have to worry more about helicopter parenting when the child is in middle school and beyond. I plan on being very involved and proactive in my girl's lives, I want to show them how to function in society and succeed in life. Its much more of a parent leading-child following situation until they are old enough to start reasoning.

I also worry that people are going to use it as an excuse to not be involved in their child's life. There has to be a happy medium, its just so hard to find.

There absolutely has to be a happy medium, but so many parents fail to find it. And I do believe you can start now with not hovering. DS spends most of his awake hours playing on the floor. I am right there the entire time, watching, but I let him entertain himself a lot of the time, so that he can explore the world on his own. I play with him, read with him, cuddle with him...but it is important to me that he learn things for himself-I don't need to teach him everything.

Kaeldrasmommy · July 2012

smilelari:
Kaeldrasmommy:
I don't have more than a moment right now, but are you familiar with Love and Logic? It sounds like you would love it. I think it's excellent, it fits very well with how we parent.
I'm a big fan of Love and Logic. Didn't know much about it until having kids, but it turns out I've been using it on DH for years

This made me laugh really hard. Yes of course we need to keep our kids safe. Safe from the big things though, not from every scratch and bruise.

KBBH · July 2012

I took the quiz and was NOT found as a helicopter parent, thank goodness. LOL. I think that it just irritates me bc the generation of kids coming up now need everything right away, want everything handed to them, and completely fail to take any responsibility for their actions. It seems to always be the fault of someone else. There is less of a work ethic - more focus on what's "fair and not fair." WAH!! Crying

Grow some balls and EARN your place. I started my job as the newbie. I had a car accident and had to pay the deductible. I had to buy a house that I could AFFORD and not one that I really wanted. I learned that if I made mistakes, my parents would be there but they wouldn't always "fix" it for me. THIS is what I'm talking about. The hovering is necessary as babies and toddlers....again - don't want my kid getting hurt. But to insist that my LO is constantly right, never does anything wrong, can't learn her appropriate consequences...it maddens me.

Liz1485 · July 2012

Asking this when our LOs are only 7-9 months old is silly imo. I hover right now. Even when DS is on the floor, actually, especially when he is on the floor. We have hard tile and if he were to fall he could really hurt himself and i'd rather be judged for hovering over him, trying to keep him safe, then for him to get hurt. Will i hover when he's older? I don't know. I'm a ftm so only time will tell.

mama&baby · July 2012

Liz1485:
Asking this when our LOs are only 7-9 months old is silly imo. I hover right now. Even when DS is on the floor, actually, especially when he is on the floor. We have hard tile and if he were to fall he could really hurt himself and i'd rather be judged for hovering over him, trying to keep him safe, then for him to get hurt. Will i hover when he's older? I don't know. I'm a ftm so only time will tell.

I agree with this to an extent..... the other day LO toppled over from sitting and hit his head on the wood floor... DH got pissed at me (I had turned my head for a second and he was sitting on the couch while I was on the floor with LO). He cried for all of 2 seconds and was fine. I think that's a bit overkill...... however as of right now we haven't babyproofed yet and so I won't leave LO alone in a room for more than a few minutes without watching him. I have noticed that he will thrive by himself in a position where he isn't reminded that I am there watching (eg- the pack and play at grandma and grandpas with a bunch of toys in it will keep him occupied up to 2 hours with no playtime with mommy)

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