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Blended Families
dmndsr4eva
member
How did you stop caring?
dmndsr4eva
member
It has been close to a year since my break up. I loved my exfi with everything I am. Yes, we had problems, but I always thought all couples had disagreements and we would work through it. In fact a few months before things ended he gave me a card for mothers day that said our love woud get us through anything.
When he left me I went into such a deep depression. I'm in couseling and in the beginning took anxitey meds.
Everytime I have to see him, or argue with him, or see his GF it more frequently than not just takes me back to the devastation I felt a year ago. I am just so tired of hurting.
Today my son has an appt for his immunizations. I sent my ex a calendar meeting request for this about a month ago and never heard a thing from him. I don't know if he will be there or not. And I certainly hope if he is he doesn't bring his GF. Most likely he won't show up so instead of my son's dad being there for him it will be me and my BF. I just wish I could accept the way things are but I was so set on having a nuclear family where the mom and dad raise their children together.
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Re: How did you stop caring?
Stay in counseling.
Don't continue a relationship with your boyfriend. You clearly aren't ready for a relationship.
Don't take your BF to your son't doctor's appointment. This is ridiculous.
We have a pretty complicated schedule because I live in one town and work in another. My BF owns his own business and does some business in the town I work in. So we commute together a lot and he has been helping me with the pick ups and drops offs with my son. So we will all be together this afternoon for the appointment.
But yes I agree I have quickly become very dependant on him. He is so generous to help me with my son and fill in the role that his dad left. I don't like needing his help but I am greatful to have him.
I'm sorry that that happened to you. It hurts no doubt.
Im also glad to hear that you are in counselling.
The only way to move forward is to acknowledge how you are feeling, hurt, betrayed whatever and to feel it. Truly feel it. Then over time the feelings will become less.
Having a new bf is doing you and him no good. You don't love him, he is nothing more than a distraction. It's prolonging the hurt for you and not fair to him.
you need to focus on yourself, doing things you like, things that will help build back up your confidence and self esteem. You need to be around people who will support you and people who care.
Your DS deserves a mon who is happy and healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's up to you to protect him and guide him in this life.
You can't do that if you are caught in a cycle of negative thinking or running from your feelings ( to new bf).
Your focus right now should be you and DS, not ex his new gf or your new bf.
When I say your focus should be on you I mean you need to find things that make you happy. Do things you enjoy and make you laugh. Try being angry when your laughing your heart out.
You were happy before your ex and you can be again. But you have to make the decision to be happy.
You distract yourself. It's not a magic bullet, but it helps. So instead of focusing on your ex and whether or not he will show up research the immunizations your son will be getting so you feel confident. Come up with a list of questions for the doctor about his growth/development. Watch a movie with your son. Think about signing up for classes. Throw yourself into your job. Start a home renovation project. Anything to keep yourself busy and your energy focused away from your ex.
And by all means continue your therapy.
As a side note, if you would rather ex's GF not be at the appointment recognize he probably feels the same way about your BF. If he does happen to show up, consider asking BF to wait in the waiting room to show that you are trying to be considerate of his feelings. Even if he doesn't reciprocate, you will have been the better person and can pat yourself on the back for that.
Wait, so it's ok for you to bring your BF to DS's appointments, but your ex can't bring his GF? Seems a bit one-sided don't ya think? The best way to handle blended family situatuions is to understand that you can't set rules for the other parent that you yourself aren't willing to follow. If your BF gets to come to Dr's appointments and help with pick-up and drop-offs, then so can your ex's GF.
Keep doing the therapy. You don't want to become the BM in my situation who after over 7 years still can't just let go and accept that my husband has moved on without her. Focus on what's best for your son, which is for him to see that Daddy is happy and Mommy is happy and that it's ok for them to be happy without each other. The continued sadness and resentment on your part is only going to hurt your son later.
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It's hard when you have kids with someone. You lose both the person, and your idea of what your family is supposed to look like.
For me, at least, it came in stages. One day I realized I hadn't been happy w/ XH. As time passed, I realized more and more that XH isn't a very good man. And that both DS and I are better off without him in our daily lives.
He had an affair, and he's still w/ her. And I knew her a little bit. If I chose to dwell on it--the lies, betrayal, he ruined my credit, etc--I could make myself pretty hurt or pissed. But I don't see the point in that.
There are no conceivable circumstances in which I'd want to be with my XH. None. And I would have to imagine you feel the same way about your ex.
So keep going to therapy. Invent some new ideas about your family/future. Quite a lot of people don't have intact families, and they do just fine. Maybe it's not ideal, but so what?
Actually in this case the double standard is just fine and I have no problem enforcing it. They had an affair and I will NEVER as long as I live be kind to that home wrecking wh*re. If he wants her in the appointments he can get a court order. And I find it doubtful a judge would see a need for her to be there.
This seems like the most honest post I have seen from you. Being honest with yourself is a start. I have two things to share:
1. In nuclear families it is common for one parent to take kids to doctor appointments. Both are not always able to go so this isn't because you two aren't together. When my DH was married to BM2 he took the girls to all their appointments alone because of their work schedules.
2. BM1 told me she missed a lot of time when SD1 was little because she was mad/angry/dwelling on what my now H (he wasn't H at the time I was only 16) was doing or not doing. She really regrets the time she spent wasting wondering and wanting the "family" that wasn't there. I really hope you don't do the same. It really does feel like you blink one day and they are 16. Don't let these feeling take time from your son.
This attitude is exactly why you shouldn't be in a new relationship and why, quite frankly, your ex probably doesn't want to be around you (and in turn your ds). Can't you see that your attitude is hurting your ds?
I was cheated on by my ex. He now lives with his gf -- the "homewrecker." At some point you have to say to yourself, "If she is going to be around and in ds' life, I need to play nice for the sake of ds." Is sucks and it is hard, but you have to be the bigger person and do it. Being a grown up isn't easy. Being a single mom isn't easy. But that is part of it. I guarantee you your life will be a lot less dramatic if you start making this about your ds and not about your ex and his gf.
I think my ex is an ass for what he did. I am pretty certain his gf knows we weren't separated when she stepped into the picture. But, once I took a step back, I realized that they did me a favor. I would never have met my life goals with my ex. He made a bunch of promises to me over our 12 year relationship that it was becoming obvious would never happen. Now I am leading a much better, happier, more stable life. DS is much happier, too. And I play nice with the gf. In fact, we have a joint birthday party for ds each year and she has been at it the past two years. Even my dad who thinks they both suck more than anything for what they did to his "baby" (me) has learned to play nice with the gf because he knows it is better for ds in the long run.
You also need to end your co-dependent relationship with your bf. We told you that a bunch of times on SO. And you thought we were all bitches. We weren't saying it to be bitchy, we were saying it because you aren't in a healthy place. I have a feeling that is why you don't come around SO anymore. You don't want to face the truths that we point out to you.
Newsflash, the only one who cares that he cheated on you with her is you. A judge is going to care as much about her as he does your bf's right to be there. People give you advice all of the time and you never take it. I hope you actually find help in counseling and let go of this hate and anger. The only people hurting from the anger you have in regards to him cheating is you and your in turn hurting your son by it. Let it go, start by trying to stop mentioning it in every story you post on this board where it isn't relevant.
But by acting out and being angry you are not hurting the GF. You are stroking her ego. You are making her out to be important. And she's not. If it wasn't her it would have been some other woman.
Same goes for your BF sweetheart. I find it doubtful a Judge will see a need for your BF to be there. And if you force the issue and make your ex go to Court to allow his GF (who is very clearly a huge role in his life as well as DS's when he's there seeing as how she lives there now) the Judge is going to tell you to grow up and learn to co-parent. Double standards have no place in blended families. Get over it and yourself.
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Please, you need to see how being angry is bad for you and your DS. And clearly this sorry excuse for a woman is just not worth your time or energy. You've got better things to do.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Why, thank you *curtsy*
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That same judge would see no reason for your bf to be there, you can justify all you want but the double standard is just that and most judges would not look at it favorible.
Many people said it above but it seems that you are with this bf bc he is a good guy and he helps you and you are hurt, you have not healed from the breakup and that is not the time to bring a new guy into your life. Are you living with BC?
Also, she is not the home-wrecker, your ex is. He broke his promises to her. For the sake of your son you need to learn to let go, your son will get hurt by your bitterness even if he chooses your side. I am not saying you need to forgive and forget but you need to learn to let go and move on.
I agree with all of this and especially the bolded.
I want to add, if you aren't over your ex and if you haven't fully grieved the loss of your relationship you need to stop dating. There's no reason to have a boyfriend when you're still upset about the last relationship. Why not take time to heal and be a mother before worrying about adding a man to the mix. IT's hard when you aren't dating but your ex is but that's no reason to date. Why do you care if your ex is there for the immunization??
The GF wasn't a homewrecking whoure. Your XH was. He chose to have sex with someone else, he chose to leave, and he chooses to stay gone. Speaking from the experience of being 10 weeks pregnant and finding out a day later that my now XH of almost 10 years together had a GF. Angry? Sure. Nothing like getting divorced when you are 8 months pregnant. Hurt? Without question. Want him to suffer? Yup. Want her to suffer? Yup.
Want my daughter to suffer? No. I don't want her to think she has a broken home. Beause that makes her broken. And she's not-we are not. She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
So how do I deal with the anger, the hurt and the want to make them suffer? Therapy helped a ton. Time helped some more (And it's been only a year. My DD is 6 months old). Focusing on ME, and how I failed my relationship helped a bit. But mostly- my DD. If I act out, and get in the habit of showing how much her dad sucks, she is going to think she sucks, because she is half him, and it means something is wrong with her life, her family. And there isn't. Her family is perfect. It's just two families, instead of one. Both families adore her. How lucky is she?
That's her dad. Plain and simple. I started calling my XH Ed for Estelle's Dad. So when I got enraged at him for telling me how his GF is a better mother than I am since she's a 28 yr old Nanny with no children of her own, I could say nothing and keep my face blank. Because I don't know Ed. He is a stranger. And when I stopped reacting, he stopped looking for a reaction.
You can control the crazy in your world. You are choosing not to. Your son sees that. He hears every word you say about his dad, no matter how careful you think you are being. That is his dad. He is half his dad. And at some point, sooner than you think, he is going to start thinking there is something wrong with him-because his mom thinks there is something wrong or bad about his dad.
And that will be YOUR fault. I don't care who your EX had sex with, when. You are choosing to continue the crazy so you are in your EX's attention. So you can try to control him. And you will lose that war. And your son will be the damaged one.
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LOL thanks- although I wish I didn't have it. I wish I didn't know how it was
. I come here and lurk because I am trying to learn how to be a BM that does what's right by her DD, not what's right for ME. And getting both sides of the story helps for me.
I hope you ladies don't mind me coming around a bit
You need to learn how to live with the girlfriend or you will drive yourself crazy.
Also, I would start to figure out how to co-parent with no double standards. I have seen people lose primary custody because of their unwillingness to co-parent. That includes mothers.
A family acquaintance got full custody of his kids. The mother lost custody because she made things so difficult all the time that a judge did not believe that she would co-parent and help foster a relationship between her children and their father.
Have you considered a new counselor? Because I'm not sure this one is really helping you.
Lots of us are BM's too, some spilt, some not, even the occasional single mama. As long as you can listen to us rant about the BSC BM's, you should be fine.
wss
I use this board too as a BM. It really helps to get other opinions, and it helps me stop and think rationally instead of emotionally.
FFS Diamonds -- you have a child so please, PLEASE stop acting like one yourself! Your son is only getting older, and as he does so he'll start seeing how you're acting and hearing the things you're saying. He'll put two and two together and see you for you who are...and he probably won't like it.
Your EX had an affair. So what!? Mine did too. He's still with the woman and like AK said, they both did me a favor. I have an AMAZING life -- I was able to finish school, thrive in my career, and eventually find the man I'm going to marry. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my XH is still with his GF. Two people who were in committed relationships (XH being married, and his GF was engaged to be married), who decided to commit adultry. That's their problem.
You need to get off the pity train, grow the eff up, and be a mother to your child. End of story.