question for FTM...How is/did your DH adjust to being a dad?

drbethc · July 2012

DH had not helped much with LO...I feel he is adjusting and made some selfish choices early on...Going out drinking and avoiding helping...We've had a talk about this and he's doing better, but he still has a way to go...How are your DHs adjusting to the responsibilities of fatherhood?

gwennec · July 2012

Yes, it was hard after having DD1, we were both exhausted and seemed to fight constantly. I think it took until she was about a year and STTN before we stopped wanting to kill each other. The problems I had were insisting not being clear on my expectations and asking for help. I think I expected him to just know what to do immediately after she was born. I was struggling and I wanted him to reassure me and somehow make things better, but I don't know if I even allowed him the room to do it. I remember the first few days, I hadn't even showered, eaten or anything and he came out of the bedroom and announced he was going to the gym. He just didn't get it and we got into a huge fight over it, frustrating.

Basically things did not change drastically until I learned I was pregnant with DD2 (we were not trying and it was a total surprise). Now that she is here, our relationship has been a lot stronger and we are much happier overall. I have also adjusted my expectations and allowed DH to help. And he knew what he was doing since he had already been through it before, so wasn't a huge adjustment. Our lives had already changed so drastically, so adding another wasn't a big deal.

I think you need to be open, honest and direct with him. It's good you had a conversation about it and he is trying to change. It does not come easily for most men. We spend 10 months preparing for the arrival of our child and it doesn't really sink in with them until the baby arrives and even then they have no clue what they are supposed to do. They don't always immediately understand that their lives have completely changed and they now need to consider someone else and no longer put themselves first. That is a huge adjustment.

Be specific on what you need his help on and also make sure to allow him to have time to do the things he wants to. He will resent you if you expect him to give up everything he likes. Going out drinking is definitely not helpful, but it is reasonable for him to occasionally want to see his friends. There is a happy medium in their someplace. Recognize the things he is doing and the steps he is taking. Sometimes it is like having another child with your husband. I don't usually have the time or the patience to deal with it, but you unfortunately need to if you want to have a good relationship. Men feel left behind and don't always know where they fit in when the baby comes. If you tell him how he can help then he may feel more included and confident.

Samiantha101 · July 2012

Honestly, I could not ask for anything more of dh. He's been so excited about dd since we found out about her. He rushes home to us after work and he spends quite a bit of time with her. Anytime she needs anything, ie feeding, diaper change, etc he's on top of it. He's still so excited about her.

easjer05 · July 2012

He got really depressed. He never stopped doing (more than) his share of the work or caring for her, but he didn't enjoy it at all. He was tired - turns out he does ok on limited sleep, but not on interrupted sleep. He was frustrated because he'd come home from work and I would hand him a baby who was at the peak of her fussy time and dive for the pump to make up pumping sessions and he never seemed to get the enjoyable/fun parts of her days. Even on the weekend, he seemed to miss it because he was trying to nap or clean or something.

I don't think he realized what the slog of newborn times would feel like (I didn't). He didn't have unrealistic expectations about the early weeks, but there is no way to explain it before you go through it. And I think he thought no one else felt like that and that he was a monster or horrible person for not enjoying parenthood (especially with our history). When he admitted that was the root of his problem - that he was miserable, he didn't enjoy it and he thought something must be wrong with him because everyone else seemed to like parenthood so much - and found out he was actually pretty normal, things seemed to turn around a bit. It helps also that she is a lot more interactive and less fussy now, so he gets smiles and coos just for him. And he's on leave again for a few weeks while I'm back at work and gets to see the full spectrum of her days. That helped a lot.

I'm lucky that he never checked out of his share of the work. It would have made pumping impossible.

HotChocolate79 · July 2012

Samiantha101:
Honestly, I could not ask for anything more of dh. He's been so excited about dd since we found out about her. He rushes home to us after work and he spends quite a bit of time with her. Anytime she needs anything, ie feeding, diaper change, etc he's on top of it. He's still so excited about her.

This. Honestly MH is the best dad I know. He is very involved with DS's care and it makes my heart melt every time I watch them together.

Firefly53 · July 2012

My DH does pretty good. He changes diapers (unless it is stinky diaper.) and gets up at night when with our Lo when I need him to. But he doesn't handle all the crying and screaming that our LO does when it is just him and our little boy. It frustrates him to know ends and thinks our Lo doesn't like him. Our little man is very much a mommies boy and just likes to fight his Daddy when it comes to bed time. Most defiantly when I have to close at night. I just hope one day my hubby can put aside his frustrations when our LO gets up set. Because he is a good Daddy even if he doesn't think he is.

aniflower21 · July 2012

He has been so excited since she's been born. He wants to do everything for her. It's kinda nice when I'm holding her and she blows up her shorts, DH will jump up and offer to change her right away. He also tells anyone with ears he has a baby now

So cute, such a proud papa.

mkflower3000 · July 2012

DH is adapting slowly, but it's hard too because he leaves for work before DD is up for they day, and comes home just in time for the witching hours and bed time. We've also been really busy - we just moved in with my parents and it took a few weekends to do that, so he didn't even really get quality time with her when he wasn't working. This coming weekend will be the first one in about a month that we'll just be able to relax at home and spend the days together.

I did also have to have a talk with him about being involved and helping out. I know that he loves DD, and he's very gentle and kind when he talks to her and holds her, but he wasn't that great about helping out on his own initiative - I had to ask him to do just about everything. Also, whenever DD was really fussy and I needed a short break, my mom was always the one having to step in while DH busied himself with something else. That really bugged me since it's our child, and my mom (even though she likes to be involved and help) shouldn't have to be the first line of defense - it should be me and DH, then her.

The good thing is that he's been doing a lot better and stepping up more since our talk, but I know that it's tough for him too because he has so little practice dealing with her when she gets fussy (since I'm the one who spends time with her the most and is home with her all day).

khill86 · July 2012

dh is very proud of our baby and loves to talk about him, but i think he's struggling with where he fits in at home. dh had a week off when ds was born and we had people here every single day except one, when he was out of the house from 9:30am-3am. that also happened to be the first day that ds was cluster feeding and i just sat in the rocking chair crying for hours because i felt like there was something wrong, why was he cueing that he was hungry but latching and unlatching and screaming. it was nerve wracking for me (so much that i didn't tell dh about it until almost 2 weeks later).

well after dh went back to work (for a family business that sometimes requires very early mornings or staying late in the evening), he either comes home to ds napping or being fussy and cluster feeding. on weekends, dh has been busy at least one day and then we've been out visiting the other.

if i want to go out to run an errand in the evening, dh has no problem with it, but every time i come home i find him trying to soothe our screaming baby and dh says "this is all he's done since you left." he always seems so hurt by it. i've tried to explain that as boring or dull or stressful as it might be for him to spend his weekends alone, inside with ds and i, i think he's going to have to make an effort to do it and do most of the work (minus breastfeeding of course), so he and ds can get in a groove and ds is comfortable with dh.

oh, but i have seen dh prop ds up against him so he can play a video game, then complain that he's being fussy. then soothe him! how is your xbox more important than calming your fussy baby? i don't know that dh understands that babies are dynamic creatures and just because they are content one way doesn't mean they'll stay that way for hours!

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