Did you tell your parents/family/ILs?

spongebobsquarepanties · July 2012

If you were previously TTC, did your family know about it?

At what point in the process did you tell your family that you are planning to adopt? How did they take it? Would you do it differently?

jenjen930 · July 2012

I didn't tell my family I was TTC until the end of my second IVF cycle. I had been hoping to just announce a pregnancy, but in the end - no dice. So when that cycle failed and we decided to adopt, we told them right away. Everyone is super excited, and is keeping up on our progress. We are very blessed that their attitudes towards adoption mirror ours.

Foster1Mom · July 2012

For us the possibility was there for a few years. We stepped back and enjoyed life before deciding to jump in. So technically the families have known for a long time this was coming but we didn't let them know it was going forward until a few months ago. It really is shocking how much positive feedback you get when you "come out" We are totally out except on FB. All family and close friends know but I am not ready for the FB world yet.

erinmc1 · July 2012

We told both sets of families two Christmases ago, so whomever was at Christmas dinner heard. We'd only decided about 2 weeks prior to telling everyone. Their reactions were...mixed. We'd only been trying for a little over a year, but we just felt that a pregnancy wasn't going to happen, and adoption felt much more hopeful and positive. So a lot of them didn't really understand why we weren't trying harder to conceive before giving up and moving on to adoption. And no one on either side of our families had ever adopted before, so there was some sense of not really understanding what it was going to entail, how fast the process would go, etc.

Looking back, I don't really know that I would have changed anything. They really warmed up to the idea over time, and it allowed them to still have some hope when we found out we can't conceive. If we'd waited until we found out for sure to tell them, they might have been more supportive initially, but this gave them more time to get used to the idea, and understand how truly ok we are with it.

jillianmb · July 2012

Our families did not know about us TTC. I told my parents that we were looking into adoption and then started crying and somehow got out that we were struggling with IF (we had been TTC for a year at that point). I was a blubbering mess. It was via skype too since my parents live far away, which made it even more difficult to decipher. Ha! But they were so empathetic, supportive and very excited about the idea of adoption.

DH told his parents and they were initially a bit overwhelmed but once they processed the idea they were also very excited. They just needed a bit to come to terms with everything and get really excited for us.

I would not do it differently. It is just one of those things that can't really be planned and delivered perfectly. We are thankful that our parents had good reactions, but we also braced ourselves just in case they were more negative.

IRR · July 2012

We started the adoption process while also trying IVF. I didn't want to hear from anyone that we didn't at least try IVF after two M/C. We picked an agency that was ok with us going on the dual path. Thank goodness we didn't stop the adoption process while TTC with IVF because IVF was a huge let down but at least no one can say "I didn't try". I hate shots and if it wasn't for DH who had to give them to me twice a day, I would have never done it. I think everyone is on board with the adoption, although I am not sure my MIL is completely there yet because when we asked her to help us network she wanted no part of it, while my mom was networking even before our HS was complete.. We just started telling everyone now that we have matched with a BM. Not on FB and probably won't be until a child is in my arms, but BM and I are now friends on FB.

Not sure I would do it differently. It is amazing as you tell friends the stories that come out about other adoptions. I just learned a past colleague of mine was adopted and his father was someone who played for the NY Giants. I always wondered where he got his height from.

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

Both families probably assumed we were going to TTC fairly soon (we married late), but we didn't come out and discuss it. My family knew about my m/c's, but DH's family was in the dark. They like negativity and drama, and we felt the less they knew the better.

For my family, talking about adoption was more of a natural progression as we shifted our focus. With DH's family, he told his mom when she came to visit (he waited until I wasn't around) and let her tell the rest of the family. DH's cousin had just adopted (or was just about to, I don't remember), so it wasn't a new concept to them. He did say his mom asked why we were adopting, and he told her that I'd had 3 m/c's. She acted all sad when I brought it up with her, like she wanted to focus on the m/c's. I purposely talked really excitedly about adoption, and she shifted her mood pretty quickly. We gave her a copy of Adoption for Dummies and went from there.

jwpbride · July 2012

Our parents knew about each of my pregnancies and m/cs, so they were not shocked when we told them that we were planning to adopt. I'm not sure they believed us at first, but then when I was dx'ed with MTHFR, that's when they knew we were seriously persuing it, and that it wasn't just a "one day..." dream- I will not have more biological children.

After we applied to the agency and had talked to all of our immediate family, we told extended family, and after that close friends then FB. We actually announced on FB after we were almost finished with the process- I think I said something like "just finished the most important letter of my life- our Dear Birthmother letter!" etc etc.

bumpuser794640 · July 2012

All of our family knew by the time we got our IF diagnosis that we were trying (some knew before that). We told everyone we had decided to adopt as soon as we made the decision, and so far I can't say I regret telling them. I like knowing that they are praying for and thinking about us during this time, and it is great to have that support and to be able to talk about it whenever we're visiting.

summergirl79 · July 2012

The year prior my sister announced during Christmas Eve dinner that she was pg. So by the following Christmas we were almost done with our home study and our SW had wanted to put in a statement that our families were supportive sooo we told my family at Christmas Eve dinner and they were amazingly supportive and thrilled and DH's family via phone on Christmas with similar reactions. I was extremely nervous about it esp with DH's family since they had less experience with adoption but it all went well :-).

DaisyZH · July 2012

My parents know everything, our losses and our decision to pursue adoption. They have always been very supportive and I am super close to my Mom so it's been a natural conversation. My MIL and BIL and SIL know about all of our losses but not the adoption decision. My FIL and Step-MIL only know about 2 of the 3 losses and my brother only knows about 1. It's really been more of a natural thing - we are closer to MIL, BIL and SIL then the others. Other than that no one else knows about our TTC.

I think we've decided instead of an announcement we're going to try and have some conversations about it this year with them individually, so that they know we are researching and beginning the process and we can answer questions they may have. I am a little concerned about a negative reaction from DH's side of the family so I think letting them kind of have time to process it instead of doing a big announcement will help us not to be dissapointed with their reactions.

As for extended family we will let them know once we are fully approved and waiting, and as for Facebook probably not until we have a finalized adoption.

Robby6 · July 2012

Our history is complicated, but in short we were pursuing a designated semi-international adoption and IF treatments simultaneously. Both DH's and my parents knew we were struggling with IF once we started seeing a RE. This was also after waiting for DS for 7 months and trying on our own to conceive for a year+. Only our parents and siblings knew we were pursuing adoption and no one else knew (except HS references) until we literally brought DS home. There was a very strong chance the adoption was going to fall through (in part because it was designated) so we didn't want to have to "un-tell".

donmitch79 · July 2012

We are not pursuing adoption because of IF issues but because I cannot physically carry a pregnancy. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 3 months pregnant and we had to lose the baby and I had to have surgery that would not allow me to carry a pregnancy moving forward. I don't know the proper way of handling these things but we are openly telling people we are in the process of adopting. We have had so much bad news in the past that it is so exciting to tell people that we will have a baby in the next 4 months-3 years! Kind of a long stretch of time but we are so happy and proud of our future family that we cannot keep it a secret. It is also reassuring to people that I truly am doing well and our life is moving on. We are finally starting our happily ever after! When we get matched, we have promised each other that we will not tell anyone except our immediate family just in case the adoption does not take place. Only the people that will be our support system if the birth mother changes her mind will know of the match. It would be too hard to untell everyone.

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