Someone from an agency asked me my weight

sarahtoledo · July 2012

In our first phone conversation with an agency representative, I was asked my height and weight. Because heavier couples wait longer, and they have several of them. But after hearing my stats (I was too shocked to stop myself) she reassured me that it's only the 300 lb individuals who are in trouble -- and I should be okay because I'm "pretty tall".

I do hope this is going to get easier...

I may DD later.

sarahtoledo · July 2012

I would like to clarify, I don't think this is okay and neither is it okay to talk this way about people who are heavier than I am. I was being facetious.

baze2 · July 2012

I don't think I would be able to get passd that.. This is not ok in my book..

HopingforChange · July 2012

Wow! I mean, it's truly horrible that weight matters in adoption. We all label people by their weight, whether they are heavier (lazy, slow) or thinner (b!tchy, self-centered). I just read a study about this yesterday. Of course, making these judgments is completely wrong, and we should, when they occur to us, reject them and move on. IMO, the agency shouldn't be facilitating that kind of judgment by providing those statistics. It's wrong to feed into existing prejudices rather than combating them.

silliestbunny · July 2012

My friends that are adoptive parents were told that BMoms don't choose "fat couples" and they'd wait for a long time. They decided to go w/another agency that never questioned their wait... which was just over six months. Go figure.

On one hand, I respect agencies that don't set up false expectations.... if their reality is that overweight couples ALWAYS wait longer to be chosen, this is actually important information.

The more I think about it, the trickier it becomes. If it's a truth or reality, as difficult as it is to hear, I'd want to know it. Just like they'll tell you that you will wait longer if you have a child at home already....may not be easy to hear but I'd want to know that my wait is longer if I am overweight.

However, we all know that these suggestions of what may affect your wait doesn't always pan out as true (see my two daughters.... extremely close in age).

Bottom line, if it makes you uncomfortable, this may not be the right agency for you. We followed stats and not our gut when we chose an agency... turned out to be the wrong agency for us.

jillianmb · July 2012

Ugh I'm sorry you had to experience that. We had some similarly intrusive and embarrassing questions asked of us, though not weight related. I think the thing I hate the most about this process is how it just rips away your privacy. Your whole family history, personal issues, health records etc... all just laid bare. ((bigs hugs)) to you. You are beautiful and someday this will all be a blip in your past that doesn't matter one bit as you stare into the face of your child. xo

spongebobsquarepanties · July 2012

That's really sad that agencies ask that and that it somehow means something. I'm sorry.

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

I"m sorry you dealt with that. I agree that this may not be the agency for you.

I just asked DH if we were asked that, and he can't remember. I'm sure it was part of our intake paperwork just for a biographical sketch, but we weren't asked on the phone.

Art Teacher · July 2012

We weren't asked that on the phone, but we had to include it in our paperwork. I'm sure it was part of our physical.

We are both overweight - not a lot but enough that we know we need to lose some - and we had a 6 month wait. I think it just depends on when the right expectant parents see your profile.

I do think it's odd that they asked you that on the phone...I guess I could see if they mentioned it - that it might be a longer wait - during an in-person meeting with your caseworker or the director.

gallifreygirl · July 2012

I think it also matters what kind of adoption your doing. I really have only done research into international but I know that some of the countries I've looked at require you to be under a certain BMI.

kekis · July 2012

Height and weight were a part of our physicals - which was hard enough to see - but I would find it ridiculous if an agency rep were to ask that in our first conversation. Yes, she may have been coming from an "informational" standpoint, but I find it offensive as well.

SweetieBelle04 · July 2012

I think it's pretty rude the way you were asked on the phone, but it's kind of tricky. If they really do see a longer wait for overweight couples, they should let people know to prepare them. It really should have been information exchanged in person and in the right context.

There is no way to know how it's going to go, though. Birth parents choose you by looking at photos (most of the time), and they each have different criteria. Some want a "picture perfect" family, but some may be drawn to overweight couples if they are overweight themselves and want their children to fit in. It sounds so silly, but it's how things work. Everything that you put in your profile can be an asset or a disadvantage depending on who is looking at it. Hang in there - this can be so hard!

lafayettegirl · July 2012

That right there would make me tell them to stuff it and go with another agency. Our physicals included height and weight, but if our SW had asked, especially like that, I would have told her that clearly she was not the right one for us. If you must ask the question (which I can't imagine they would) then at least be a little more sensitive about the way you ask.

I would find another agency, but that is just me. I would have also told them just how wrong I found their question and the comments that went with it. (Although at the time, I would have probably been too shocked, therefore I would have called them back later.)

missred75 · July 2012

I don't even know what to say to that. I don't think I would have answered, just on principal. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

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