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Blended Families
Introduction and advice request
Hi, my name is Sandra and I just found this board through a web search. I married 10 years ago and have three stepchildren, ages 14, 17, and 20.
My 17 yr old stepdaughter is having really rough times. She is going down a poor path. Several years ago she had high abitions and talked about college and potential careers, got almost straight A's and was an all around good kid.
In the past year things declined significantly. She lives primarily with her mom and stepdad. Her mom was such a great mom, but things declined with her when she remarried. Her new husband is basically a kid (at age 40). He parties non stop, has never held a job, and just focuses on chilling with friends. I feel really bad for mom at times because she pulls the weight in the family at all times. She has always brought in the income to cover all HIS expenses. She is declining as far as parenting skills go, because her new husband want them to be the "cool" parents. So the older kids get to go with them to parties with heavy alcohol, dj's etc. The older kids love this. And they have showed an increasingly attachment to stepdad because they love his personality (childish fun partier).
Well stepdaughter lashed out at my husband and I several times in the last month. She curses uncontrollably and we can't get her to stop. We tell her cursing is not allowed in our home and then she calls her stepdad to pick her up. Her mom and stepdad always come to her aid when she's mad. They say it's better they get her so she can "cool down" which we agree most times due to her severe anger. Then a couple days later hubby will call her and meet up to discuss what happened, only to have another rage.
Well now she said the issue is me. She said I've never loved her and treat her like a second class citizen. I have known her for 15 years since she was a toddler and back in those days, we were tied at the hip. Her teenage years have been horrible. Sorry so long...let me get to the point. Two months ago she said she was never coming to our house again. And she hasn't been back. We cannot force the issue too much as if she gets mad, she just runs out of our house and we can't find her and it's scary.
So my husband drove to her house and asked to talk. She brought up many issues that is bothering her and gave reasons she could never like me.
1. I plan nice meals out when she's not around, and then when she comes I have to think up of cheap restaurants. (for the record, we always eat at cheap places or at home) and when he asked for examples, she brought up our anniversary dinner that someone treated us to as a gift, two years ago.
2. I plan vacations without her. again, when asked for an example, she brought up our honeymoon 9 years ago and that the only out of state place we've been without her. We go on in state getaways to visit family and will bring her if she's with us, but many times she cancels coming to our house on weekends and stays at moms.
3. I don't spend money on her. This one I feel bad about. We pay $1500 child support and don't have much money leftover. We buy her a few school clothes each year but we explain that her mom has primary custody and should be chipping in with these duties. Maybe we should have never mentioned that.
4. I talk bad about her mom. I said one negative thing 5 years ago and she will never let it go and forgive me. It was when she was fighting us saying her mom was broke and couldn't afford food and I said "yes she can, we give her $1500 a month".
I just feel so bad about all this. I want my husband to have a relationship with her and she suggests she can never do it unless I'm not in the picture. She blames all the above issues on me. What can I do??
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Introduction and advice request
Your H and her mom really need to get on the same page about how to handle this. She's a teenager, she isn't going to see reason. Your H needs to keep talking to her though and explaining to her that money doesn't equal love. She also probably needs to hear that she's not entitled to have money spent on her, go out for nice dinners, etc... those things are extras. He may have to resort to the old-fashioned "you'll understand better when you're paying your own bills."
You may need to take a step back. I would talk to SD and tell her "I love you. I'll never give up on you. I also respect your feelings and want you to have a good relationship with your dad, so if that means stepping back, I'm willing to do that. I really hope we can work these issues out." It will be good for your sanity.
I'm not looking forward to the teen years either. I really hope things get better for you and your SD.
firstly, when she has a temper tantrum at your house I don't think mom/ stepdad should be running to get her. that teaches her that she can run from her problems/ issues instead of dealing with them. So DH and BM/SF need to be on the same page with that. Also, DH doesn't need to give her a "few days" to cool down. 24 hours is more than sufficient.
until she is 18, she is obligated to go to visitation at your house, regardless of weather she wants to or not. you guys are letting her completely run the show. I get that teens are hard (heck, I'm only 24) and some fights just may not seem worth it, but it honestly seems like she has zero respect for you or DH.
what would happen if she had a teacher at school that she didn't like? would she skip that class every day? no, she would figure out a way to deal with it. you are her stepmother and have been in her life for a long time, if she doesn't like you she needs to at least be respectful of you and your house/ rules.
just my 2 cents, she needs a reality check. your DH needs to stand up for you, and BM/DH need to get on the same page with regards to her behavior.