My disgusting, unstable parents

lorist202 · July 2012

For family birthdays, my parents enjoy having over my brother and I and our families. My bro has no kiddos. They barely clean their home. It's totally gross. My mom is a borderline hoarder. Then, they let the trash pile up. The bathroom is so gross, I can no longer sit on the toilet seat. Although I didn't see any, I wouldn't be surprised if their home was infested with pests. Meanwhile, DS crawls on the floor and lays all over the icky (cat urine) furniture. Tonight, we came home from their house, and I gave DS a bath. I don't want to go back there.

My parents are highly anxious and emotionally unstable. They struggle to maintain their marriage, and just everyday life. To maintain a relationship with them is next to impossible with their constant drama, unreliability and roller coaster of moods. They have not always been this way. They both have been in therapy for years, and I have even tried to go with them, but I can no longer be involved. Our relationship is fragile, but I walk on eggshells, and keep it simple with them.

They are extremely sensitive about discussing the condition of their home, but it's really getting worse all time. If I do bring it up, they will most likely fire insults back at me, accusing me of acting "too good" or "paranoid of germs".

Inevitably, they will invite us back over. Should I just suck it up to keep the peace, or say something? If so, how on earth would I even approach this?

Temp174496125006552 · July 2012

I don't care if they were my parents or not, there is no way I would let my son crawl all over furniture with cat pee on it. And the fact that you can't even sit on the toilet seat and fear there are rodents is enough to keep me away. I think it's too bad if they are sensitive about the condition of their home. They are living in filth and most people don't live that way. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to go back there. So, I would tell them that if they want to see you/your son, they need to come to your house, period - end of story.

What does your brother have to say about this?

lorist202 · July 2012

I gave up on my brother long ago. He does not want to say, or for that matter, hear anything derogatory about our parents. He's in denial that there is anything wrong with them. He says they are just getting old, and it comes with the territory. They are only 60.

jw87 · July 2012

If they have always been this way... and you are fed up, and they do not want help, there is nothing much you can do. If they are physically able to clean but choose not to, that is their problem. It's easy to clean a home but to keep up is a learned habit :

But it is your choice to visit them at their home or not. If they ask you to come over, I would be honest about your feelings but in the most careful and sensitive way possible. I would tell them you do not feel comfortable in their home anymore and you would be willing to have them over or meet in the middle somewhere. Also, I would say it in a way that they understand this is not temporary, it will be the norm for now (in less things change). If they keep asking for you to come over, I would repeat myself until the situation is understood and I'm sure they would be embarrassed to hear over and over that your children will not be coming over because of how dirty their home is. I would also let it be known that you DO want to be a part of their life, and this is in no way you pushing them away... that you want meet at another location or that they are always welcome in your home.

I imagine that situation is stressful every-time they ask and setting clear boundaries now is best.

Sorry you have to deal with that.

jw87 · July 2012

Hav=Fath:
If it is a health hazard, pests and animal feces... it's actually your responsibility to do something about it. I mentioned to Celiab in an earlier post about calling APS to report their living situation. It's not a bad thing, but they will likely be able to get help in there to get the house cleaned up and suitable for living. There are so many funds for this type of things (in most cities I would assume).

While this essentially sounds like a good idea, and I would suggest it if kids were living in the home, it is really not a realistic expectation of someone who is a hoarder, the probability of them keeping it clean after help is extremely low. Getting the help is extremely rare... in most cases, the city will require them to clean up their act by a certain date before they forced out of their home or fined.

The_Jen626 · July 2012

DH's Aunt's house is like this. It's disgusting. They also throw a big 4th of July party every year out in the street (it's legal to shoot the HUGE fireworks at their house) so everyone just hangs out in the front yard and street and watches the show. This year, DD wouldn't go pee on their toilet because the bathroom was SO DISGUSTING.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go to their house. I would pay for their meal at a restaurant, or meet at a park or your house. I wouldn't want my kid crawling through that nastiness.

I also think it might be beneficial for you to talk to someone about this. People that are hoarders usually have MAJOR issues and it can really affect their children. My ex's parents were hoarders and it really screwed him up.

Good luck!

MAprincess · July 2012

Hav=Fath:

If it is a health hazard, pests and animal feces... it's actually your responsibility to do something about it. I mentioned to Celiab in an earlier post about calling APS to report their living situation. It's not a bad thing, but they will likely be able to get help in there to get the house cleaned up and suitable for living. There are so many funds for this type of things (in most cities I would assume). Are your parents physically/mentally capable of doing the actual work of cleaning up/getting rid of stuff should the city come in and give them a deadline to do so? Sometimes people need someone to require them to do the work before they can be motivated to do so.

Until then I would not go back, you can meet them at a restaurant, but I wouldn't feel the need to go back into the home.

I agree that APS wouldn't hurt if you are looking to try to continue to help them. Your brother is definitely in denial. 60 year olds can still clean their toilets. If they cannot, they need to think about assisted living.

I would not return there. If they want to see you, they are welcome at your house (invite your brother too and have the parties on your territory). But the things you are talking about are health and safety issues. You can't worry about hurting their pride or whatever. Sorry you are going through this- that doesn't sound fun.

FormerlyKrista555 · July 2012

I would not set foot in their house again until/if it were cleaned. They know it's dirty. You don't have to tell them. They just don't care.

If it is bad enough, you could call adult social services.

I would still invite them to my house, though. They're still your parents and I assume you love them and want your son to have some sort of a relationship with them.

laurakaz13 · July 2012

Ditto everyone else! There is no way in hell I would ever go to that house with my child. I would tell them exactly why as well and let them know that they will be able to see LO, but only at my own home.

That is not how people live. Not even elderly people. My 91 year old grandma's house is spotless.

Dochas · July 2012

lorist202:
I gave up on my brother long ago. He does not want to say, or for that matter, hear anything derogatory about our parents. He's in denial that there is anything wrong with them. He says they are just getting old, and it comes with the territory. They are only 60.

LOL. My husband is 54 and we have a two year old. Indifferent We have a cat but he doesn't pee on the furniture, so I agree that your parents aren't ready to be put out to pasture yet.

Do you think it would make a difference if you explained that you won't bring your grandchild there anymore? Could it possibly make them more willing to address the cleanliness/hoarding issues? I'm sorry you're going through this. My friend has a similar issue with a parent and they are going to try family counseling. But it sounds like you've done all you can and I think you are right if you decide not to go back. I wouldn't either but I know it must be very sad for you.

Printergirl · July 2012

We are in a similar position with my parents. It's very, very tough.

We can still visit and let the kids be there but they get baths when we get home (it's not as bad as what you discribed). However I cannot allow the kids to sleep there anymore for fear of a fire or something and them not being able to get out quickly enough.

So when we visit we stay in a hotel or cottage near them and have them over for meals. Or we meet at restaurants. Other than that they are welcome in our home at anytime.

We have done major clean outs with dumpsters and it's still gotten worse. I can't manage their home and mine and they will not do counseling.

MrsKatie07 · July 2012

This post makes me feel a little better. We were at FIL's house last night for dinner and it is terrible. He isn't a hoarder, but he never cleans either, literally. He has 2-4 dogs in the house at all times, so there is dog hair covering the floor and the furniture since they sleep on the furniture too. There are bones and deer antlers the dogs have been chewing on, dog fur "dust bunnies" along the base of the cabinets and in every corner, dust covering everything, and cobwebs in all the corners. The bathroom floors are disgusting and the dogs drink out of the toilet so there is toilet water strung across the floor. I told DH after we left it is disgusting and disrespectful to us that he can't at least vacuum and pick up the stuff the dogs have been chewing on before we bring our toddler who is all over the floor and our 3 year old over. He had a whole day's notice and didn't do anything about it and I think it is really rude. I almost asked for the vacuum so I could do it myself when we got there.

Anyway, I don't really have advice because I realize how sticky of a subject it is, but know you aren't alone! We don't go to FIL's often for this very reason. DH agrees with me that it is gross but he isn't willing to say anything yet. It just isn't something he is comfortable talking about with his and FIL's relationship.

tiredmamma · July 2012

Have you contacted the therapist that your parents see? If there is not a release of information, they can still listen to your concerns and may be able to point you in the right direction. If the house is that unhealthy to live in, you may want to consider social services. I had a client once who was also receiving services regarding his home, the agency was teaching him proper cleaning and sanitation. FWIW DCF would not allow his child in his home, even for a visit, for many reasons but including the filth.

lollitots · July 2012

I would take the whimpy way out and just try and get everyone to meet at a restaurant for birthdays instead. They know about the condition of their house so I wouldn't say anything about that.

MyaMaternity · July 2012

There is no way that I would continue to go there. I would never let my LO be in such an environment. I would definitely say something to your parents and let them know that if they want to see you you can meet in a neutral place or they can come to your house.

brooketini · July 2012

I wouldn't take my kids over there. If it's really that bad, you need to look in to getting them some sort of help. Last night we were watching Hoarders and I kept saying to DH, "why haven't this guy's sisters gotten him some help!?!". It's sad, but some people aren't capable of getting themselves out of a bad situation like that.

MesmrEwe · July 2012

Instead of talking about it, the next time you go over to your parents place, start cleaning!! If the toilet is that gross, grab some cleaner and clean it. We aren't talking your IL's here, we're talking your parents. If you have to bring your own cleaner, do so! Show up early, and have at it with some gloves. Yes, they'll be a bit unsettled for a little bit, but they'll get over it...

ETA: Sometimes it really is just as simple as creating a "start" point. Or also known in therapist circles as "5-second therapy"... BAM! GET OVER IT!.. It sounds like they're not sure where to begin, if you create a starting point, they'll take it from there... Or the day before the party, go over and just start cleaning, don't ask where they want you to start, you start with the bathroom, move to the kitchen, then to the floor... Chances are when your parents see you start, they'll start on something themselves. There's a huge difference between "Dirty" and "Cluttered"...

lorist202 · July 2012

MesmrEwe:
Instead of talking about it, the next time you go over to your parents place, start cleaning!! If the toilet is that gross, grab some cleaner and clean it. We aren't talking your IL's here, we're talking your parents. If you have to bring your own cleaner, do so! Show up early, and have at it with some gloves. Yes, they'll be a bit unsettled for a little bit, but they'll get over it...

ETA: Sometimes it really is just as simple as creating a "start" point. Or also known in therapist circles as "5-second therapy"... BAM! GET OVER IT!.. It sounds like they're not sure where to begin, if you create a starting point, they'll take it from there... Or the day before the party, go over and just start cleaning, don't ask where they want you to start, you start with the bathroom, move to the kitchen, then to the floor... Chances are when your parents see you start, they'll start on something themselves. There's a huge difference between "Dirty" and "Cluttered"...

This is a great suggestion, and I might try it.

I can't/ won't call APS on my own parents. I've tried to help them plenty of times. Cleaning it up when they're not home makes them angry or upset with me. Their therapy situation is something I no longer can get involved in.

I'm going to talk with them about it before they invite us over again. I'll be as loving and supportive as I can until they start to take offense. At that point, all bets are off, but it's what I may have to do. So frustrating.... Thank you for the helpful responses and support Smile

Nwlywed07 · July 2012

I would welcome them to move the family get togethers to you or your brothers house but I certainly wouldn't take my kid back there until things made a major improvement!

MesmrEwe · July 2012

lorist202:
MesmrEwe:

Instead of talking about it, the next time you go over to your parents place, start cleaning!! If the toilet is that gross, grab some cleaner and clean it. We aren't talking your IL's here, we're talking your parents. If you have to bring your own cleaner, do so! Show up early, and have at it with some gloves. Yes, they'll be a bit unsettled for a little bit, but they'll get over it...

ETA: Sometimes it really is just as simple as creating a "start" point. Or also known in therapist circles as "5-second therapy"... BAM! GET OVER IT!.. It sounds like they're not sure where to begin, if you create a starting point, they'll take it from there... Or the day before the party, go over and just start cleaning, don't ask where they want you to start, you start with the bathroom, move to the kitchen, then to the floor... Chances are when your parents see you start, they'll start on something themselves. There's a huge difference between "Dirty" and "Cluttered"...

This is a great suggestion, and I might try it.

I can't/ won't call APS on my own parents. I've tried to help them plenty of times. Cleaning it up when they're not home makes them angry or upset with me. Their therapy situation is something I no longer can get involved in.

I'm going to talk with them about it before they invite us over again. I'll be as loving and supportive as I can until they start to take offense. At that point, all bets are off, but it's what I may have to do. So frustrating.... Thank you for the helpful responses and support

Just from our family - there's a BIG difference between doing something like grabbing a toilet brush or scrub bucket and going to town vs. sorting through stuff and pitching what you think is trash... I know it sounds silly, but it's a magical boundary of "helping out" vs. "overstepping"... Once the guard is down that you're not there to judge and just clean/maintain as-is, you're not there to toss their stuff, you're going to notice a paradigm shift even if there's no TY, you'll be setting the stage for future visits that you're "just helping out" with getting ready for everyone to come over and will find yourself able to move to a more productive making a long-term dent over the span of time. Let's face it, if you were having everyone over to your place you'd spend just as much time doing those same things at your house instead.

(and as a side note, for years my Ma's side of the family sort of got on my grandma for the odd smell in her house thinking it was incontinence... Well, GM moved into a nursing home, everything got cleaned out of her house... They went back to clean it out to get it ready to sell and the funky smell was still there even though anything that could have caused it was removed years before. Turns out there was a leak in the roof that was causing the smell... and not GM!! to say everyone felt bad was an understatement)

preheatedoven · July 2012

I feel like you've not only described my mom and her FI's house, but her emotional/mental state, and my relationship with her.

My strategy is that I try to preempt any invitation with inviting them over to our house. But, since we live an hour away, it gets tricky. My mom is also really jealous of my ILs, so if she knows we were in town and saw the ILs (they live in the same town as her), but didn't come to my mom's, all hell breaks loose.

So, to keep the peace, we do go there. We keep visits pretty short, and before the kids could walk, I didn't let them on the floor. When it's nice out I make every excuse in the world to go out in the yard.

Another thing I do is find things to do outside her house with the kids so she feels involved, like going to the zoo for an afternoon. Keeping in mind I can only handle her for very limited amounts of time, and public places are best so that she doesn't blow up out of nowhere.

I want my kids to have a relationship with her, but I am starting to accept that it will be limited and may be a bit superficial because of the circumstances.

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