In-laws missing birth of first grandchild?

kristinanderik · July 2012

My MIL and FIL will be out of town for FIL's work thing the week of August 19 (I'm due the 21.) This is their first grandchild and it is an optional work trip. They seem all excited about it and not bothered that there's a good chance they will miss the birth. DH is pretty disappointed about it. He has always felt that his dad has put work ahead of family and thinks this is a continuance of that. I'm borderline appalled that they are okay with taking this trip, especially since they seem excited about LO coming. They bought us an IPad so we could Skye or whatever in case they're gone. I don't think that's a very good substitute. DH and I have tried to say subtle things to them about how disappointed we are, but they won't take the hint. I feel like we, especially MH, will really resent them if they miss LO's birth. Is there anything I can do?

phq2011 · July 2012

How long is the trip? I really wouldn't let yourself stress too much right now. If it is only a few days, there is a chance they will make it back in time. If it is like over a week though, I do understand you and your H's feelings.

WhitEm14 · July 2012

I would try talking to them about it openly and honestly, as tough as that may be to do. It's also important to keep in mind that there is a very real chance that you will not give birth on your due date and they may be back in town (or not have even left yet if LO comes early) and won't have to miss it. But since you can't plan for that to happen, if it were me I would talk to them about how we were feeling, if you feel like you have a relationship where you can do that. Sorry you have to go through this

I would be disappointed too.

choppinbroccoli22 · July 2012

If he planned it around your "due" date, he'd screw up his work schedule AND probably miss the birth. There really is no planning these things. Thank them for the iPad!

My father has put me on a pedestal ever since my mother got custody of me when I was 8. He missed the birth of his first grandchild, and did not meet her until I flew out 2 mo later. I don't think he's any less in love with me or his grandchild. (For this one, I did tell my mother that I want him to come out and she needs to give me/him some space where he can be comfortable. He deserves that much.)

JessAndTrav · July 2012

I understand your frustration, but like PPs have said, they may not miss it at all. You could deliver earlier than the trip or later than the trip.

Is it far away? If it's just a few hours, you could call and let them know you're in labor, and they could make it home before the baby arrives.

I agree that you should thank them for the iPad--that's a very generous gift, and while it doesn't make up for their potential absence when your LO arrives, it's their way of trying to make it up to you, since Skype is an option, and they can at least see the baby.

moonrose2715 · July 2012

Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do outside of being supportive of your DH. If it comes up between you and DH, offer to talk to his parents if you feel comfy doing that. But it is a dangerous path to walk getting between your husband and his family.

I can tell you that after watching my DH have his feelings hurt time and time again because his father is useless, that it has only caused problems between us when I've said anything negative. It is irrelevant that his father has only met DD once in two years (only biological grandchild from only biological child), despite not living that far away, and even having us within 2 hours of driving to his home several times. DH's feelings are hurt, and continue to be hurt. I have to support him and love him through this. Any time I've said or done anything other than this, it caused problems and is never ever worth it.

Good luck!

jenguinbear · July 2012

LoveLossHopeRepeat:
I'm sure my opinion on this is skewed by the fact that my husband didn't have a terribly close relationship with his family and therefore, neither did I, but...
I think you're overreacting.
I'm guessing that he doesn't have control over this, given that it's a work event. What do you propose he do? Tell his superiors that he can't take the trip? I don't know the ins and outs of his job or what this event is, but off the top of my head, that doesn't sound like a wise choice to make.
There are grandparents who live across the country from their grandchildren and don't meet them until they're a few months old, or, heck, even more. They still love them. They're still involved in their lives. It's not a sign that they don't care or that their family isn't important to them, but these folks have their own lives to attend to as well. They don't need to revolve around their children and grandchildren. That's just not reasonable.

Yeah. I agree. My ILs won't meet their first grandchild until it's three months old when they come to visit. And my mom won't meet her grandchild until it's about 9 to 12 months old. We use Skype and Voxer to stay in touch plus pictures on Facebook or e-mail. I'm not bummed over either of them missing the birth and I don't think they are either. They have their own lives and know that they will eventually meet their grandchild. Plus, my ILs have told us they didn't want to be there so that MH and I could have bonding time and get into somewhat of a routine.

miketherdswifey · July 2012

Seriously? Maybe I don't understand your relationship with your ILs but this seems like an overreaction. Like PPs said, the odds of you giving birth on time is pretty low since you are a FTM. You do know what happens during childbirth, right? You really want you in-laws there for that? The first few days afterwards are pretty unpleasant too. What's a couple of days when it means feeling more human when they come to visit? Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

Carla6394 · July 2012

I think you are overreacting. Your FIL has likely had this work trip scheduled for a while, but either way he is likely disappointed as well.

Work trips happen. he will meet your little one at a later date.

weddingnewbie2011 · July 2012

I agree with pp as well, don't over think it. I'm super close to my parents but they live 10hr drive away. My mom will come 1 week before EDD but my dad won't be able to see us until Xmas (3 mth after LO is born). This is also their first grandchild and they are super excited but at the same time, this is my child, they shouldn't have to schedule their life around me

aylafsu88 · July 2012

I would not stress out to much about the trip especially if it is only for a few days. The due date is just an estimated date. Some women are early and some are days or weeks late. I dont know anyone IRL who actually had their LO on the exact due date! if they happen to be gone when LO is born then try to look at it in a positive light-you, DH and LO can have a day or two to bond as a new family and get to know each other before you get visitors!!

rels09 · July 2012

Maybe they're of the belief that the birth is best shared between just the MTB and FTB. My parents are definitely in this camp, and it's no reflection on our relationship or me or their granddaughter. They have visited me in the hospital on bedrest, and they will come meet her a week or two after the birth. Some families want to be together right away, and others defer to giving the new parents a little space at the very beginning, and there is nothing wrong with either way of thinking. It sounds like they are otherwise interested in this baby, so I would talk to them but not make too much of it and try not to make it personal.

Hyaline · July 2012

There might be an age/culture thing going on here. I know that a lot of people our age expect to have everyone there when the baby is born--even having family in the delivery room--but to a lot of older people, the birth itself is for mom and dad, and they come to visit a week or two afterward. My mom isn't intending to come until after the baby is born, and I'm fine with that, because it seems just plain weird to her to be hanging around for the actual birth, or even immediately following--she sees that as mom-dad-baby bonding time.

If they're otherwise excited and intend to be involved in the baby's life starting a week or so in, I would guess that they just don't feel it's necessary/expected for them to actually be present for the birth or right after the fact. Everyone will be a lot happier in the end if you let it go and don't press it, IMO.

kristinanderik · July 2012

Ok, I'm new to posting so I don't know if I'm doing this right, but anyway, here's a little more info to answer some of your Q's. We're pretty close to the IL's and usually see them 2-3 times a month, since they live 20 minutes away, (it'll be more like 40 after we move in a couple weeks.) The trip is a full week long & on the west coast. We live in CO. The trip is an annual or semi-annual thing thats in a different location each time, though it's more of a pleasure trip rather than business (FIL is pretty high up in the company,) & it's optional.

We did thank them for the iPad! We love it! That was the way they told us they weren't going to be there. They gave it to us on DH's bday several months ago, saying, 'in case we won't be there," and we were like, "huh?" At least they will be at the baby shower.

I'm actually not that upset about it. If they're not worried about it then whatever. My parents will be there. I'm more sad that DH is upset. But maybe like many PP's mentioned, we won't even have to worry about it. Thanks for the advice, ladies.

mrsj0423 · July 2012

This is interesting because many of us would be thrilled to know that our IL's will be out of town during the birth, lol. Maybe their thinking is that it is something special to be shared between you and YH and don't want to intrude. Perhaps they are just as happy to share in the experience once LO gets here and you have had time to bond as a new family. Not really sure how to go about this one. But this is YOUR child, and maybe they just see it that way and know that they will have lots of time with LO once he/she arrives. That's all I got

laurakaz13 · July 2012

Wow! Overreact much? There is nothing you can do.

Are you really going to resent them for missing the actual birth? Really!?? This line of thinking baffles me, and I'm super close with my in-laws.

HarrietNJMommy · July 2012

While it stinks, there's really nothing you can do about it. I definitely wouldn't be pissed at them because they missed the birth. Would they have been in the actual delivery room with you? Probably no, so if they see the baby a week or so later, it's not that big a deal. And yes, I get that it's the first grandchild for them.

As for this being a "work optional" trip, many of my DH's trips are "optional", but he can't just not go if he wants to advance in his career.

You and your DH are both adults. Disappointments happen and life is not always exactly how we want it to be.

GL!

terri_doula2010 · July 2012

Sounds like something my ILs would do.

We live across country (but they do have money, so it isn't like with my mom, where there are big financial reasons we don't see her more) and with DS (their first grandchild), they didn't come visit til he was 6 weeks old.

This time they have planned a long weekend visit over Labor Day (I'm due the 2nd), so they may be here, or else they'll see him over the first weekend in October. I'm rather annoyed that they aren't coming for a week to help out since they know this time I'll have a toddler as well as a newborn, but I'm not surprised...it's just who they are.

I don't have any good advice, except if YH thinks he'll end up resenting them for it, he should talk to them about it now, let them know how big of a deal it is that they may miss this event. And then if they still go, try to accept it. They'll still see their grandchild a lot, perhaps just not in the first hours/days.

dimondwind · July 2012

I'd gladly take an iPad in replace of my inlaws!

Kidding aside, if you do deliver while they are gone it might be a blessing. It will give you time to recover and prepare for a visit when they return.

jelina · July 2012

I guess I don't really understand where you"re coming from with this one. All of our parents live across the country. My mom and stepdad are planning a vacation the week I'm due though it's local and they said they would cancel or come down if we felt like we needed it). My Dad has an extremely busy work week that week, like he could never miss it, for anything. My FIL is planning his week long bike trip somewhere around that time, but he is not planning to come and see the baby for at least 6 weeks anyways. I'm not offended by any of this? I mean he wants to go on a bike trip, he can see the baby sometime later. The concept of him "helping out around the house" is just hilarious to anyone who knows him (i.e. never done a load of laundry in his lifetime, no joke).

The only thing I could understand is if they were the only family in town and you were planning on having them watch older children or do somethings for you. I just really don't get your disappointment here.

Starfish17 · July 2012

I think you are over-reacting. My IL"s live on the other side of the country and didn't see DS until he was a couple months old. They probably won't see this one either for a couple months, because we would like for them to come for Christmas instead (I'm due in the beginning of October) and it is expensive and a long flight for them to come out. It sounds like they must live close enough where they will still see the baby regularly and within a couple days of the birth if they are out of town, so I think you should be appreciate of that, rather than focusing on them "missing the birth."

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