Questions to ask the attny and any other advice you can give

christy2125 · July 2012

Okay, so a little advice is needed if you ladies don't mind. Small bit of back story, my little brother got his GF pregnant and the baby is due in Aug. However since she has gotten pregnant she has made it very clear to anyone who will listen that because she is the mother she will never let my brother see his child, nor any of the family, unless she is there and its only for an hour or so.... She is stating this for the rest of her child's life. Obviously this is not going over well with anyone, my brother included. She is essentially trying to remove him from her life and doesn't want anything to do with him if he doesn't do exactly as she say's when she says. Example; She expected him to leave work, risk getting fired, just to draw her a bubble bath... Very immature stuff that I guess could be considered typical of their age; (both just got out of their teens) So she keeps breaking up with him and then getting back together as long as it's on her terms ect. and my brother is worried about getting cut out of his child's life already. He is completely willing and wanting to pay child support, but he also wants to make sure that he can have a CO and have access to his child. He really has no idea what to do about this, so I suggested he speak to a lawyer about his rights and what can possibly be done, and he is meeting with this lawyer on Monday. My questions are what are the typical questions that you want to ask an attny before contracting them? Also I was wondering if anyone has dealt with this before if you have any experience with this so I can see what might be considered the norm for this situation. When you are dealing with a situation in which the child is a newborn what is the typical access that is granted? (I know that no judge in their right mind will take a newborn away from its mother for an extended amount of time) What are the rights for the other members of the family to see the child when they are this young? Right now the gf is saying that no one will be able to see this child for the first 6-12 weeks after this kid is born except for the gf's family. (is that typical? my H and BM took SD everywhere after she got her shots just to get her around other people) Any other advice would be greatly appreciated, my H and BM didn't get a CO until my SD was three, and even then it was mediation so the typical EOW was was awarded to my H so I have no idea what goes into this type of situation when the child will be so young. Thanks in advance!

hterry85 · July 2012

DH and BM were never married, so our CO was finalized when SS was 7 months old. Time was written in for each of the holidays, and every other weekend, but the weekends were sat morning to sun evening until he was 1. Then they were Fri night to sun night. But if a holiday butted up with his weekend he still couldn't have more than 2 nights in a row (or something like that) so if he had a monday holiday the weekend started sat morning that weekend. No extended summer visits until he was 1 (so the way his bday fell he was actually almost 2) At 1 year he got 1 week, at 2 years he got 2 weeks (seperate visits, not 2 straight weeks) and at 4 he started getting a total of 3 weeks.

They got along for the most part back then and this was written more as back up, she agreed to all of it, so he possibly could have had a lot less during that time. DH was lucky that BM lived with her parents, and they were very supportive of DHs relationship with SS. They basically told BM if SS was at their house DH was welcome to come see him at any reasonable time.

dmndsr4eva · July 2012

If he gets a lawyer and there is a paternity test done he will get visitation. What you all need to keep in mind that a baby needs to bond with it's primary caregiver. In many pyschologist's opinions a young child shouldn't be away from the primary giver for more than one night in a row.

I definitely think your brother will get visitation but it could just be a few hours at a time. I don't know that he would be able to get overnights right away. Especially if she is breastfeeding. Babies cannot be away from the mother if they are being breast fed.

christy2125 · July 2012

hterry85:

DH and BM were never married, so our CO was finalized when SS was 7 months old. Time was written in for each of the holidays, and every other weekend, but the weekends were sat morning to sun evening until he was 1. Then they were Fri night to sun night. But if a holiday butted up with his weekend he still couldn't have more than 2 nights in a row (or something like that) so if he had a monday holiday the weekend started sat morning that weekend. No extended summer visits until he was 1 (so the way his bday fell he was actually almost 2) At 1 year he got 1 week, at 2 years he got 2 weeks (seperate visits, not 2 straight weeks) and at 4 he started getting a total of 3 weeks.

They got along for the most part back then and this was written more as back up, she agreed to all of it, so he possibly could have had a lot less during that time. DH was lucky that BM lived with her parents, and they were very supportive of DHs relationship with SS. They basically told BM if SS was at their house DH was welcome to come see him at any reasonable time.

I wish that the gf's parents were supportive of my brother having a relationship with his child, in reality I really think that they are the one's pushing the gf to say these things, she is just to young to really be able to go against her parents.

christy2125 · July 2012

dmndsr4eva:

If he gets a lawyer and there is a paternity test done he will get visitation. What you all need to keep in mind that a baby needs to bond with it's primary caregiver. In many pyschologist's opinions a young child shouldn't be away from the primary giver for more than one night in a row.

I definitely think your brother will get visitation but it could just be a few hours at a time. I don't know that he would be able to get overnights right away. Especially if she is breastfeeding. Babies cannot be away from the mother if they are being breast fed.

Thats good to know, I know she is wanting to nurse so I kinda figured any type of overnights or anything more than a few hours wouldn't happen for a good while anyways but I wasn't sure if that was just me thinking worse case situation... In my state, they really just leave it up to the parents to determine visitation before the child is three years old.

fellesferie · July 2012

He should talk to the attorney about what he wants, and then ask for the attorney's feedback on that. What does he want long term? 50/50? EOW? Knowing your brother's long term goals should help the attorney develop a strategy to help him attain that.

As PPs (and you yourself) stated, it's unlikely that there would be overnights for awhile. But unless the baby has some sort of depressed immune system or is otherwise ill, I don't think that the mom would be able to say no one can see the baby for 6-12 weeks.

Unless your brother has some type of criminal history or questionable background, he should get standard unsupervised parenting time with the kid.

His girlfriend sounds totally clueless, and I think she's going to be in for a rude awakening. Good for your bro for standing up for himself and going about things the right way.

christy2125 · July 2012

fellesferie:

He should talk to the attorney about what he wants, and then ask for the attorney's feedback on that. What does he want long term? 50/50? EOW? Knowing your brother's long term goals should help the attorney develop a strategy to help him attain that.

As PPs (and you yourself) stated, it's unlikely that there would be overnights for awhile. But unless the baby has some sort of depressed immune system or is otherwise ill, I don't think that the mom would be able to say no one can see the baby for 6-12 weeks.

Unless your brother has some type of criminal history or questionable background, he should get standard unsupervised parenting time with the kid.

His girlfriend sounds totally clueless, and I think she's going to be in for a rude awakening. Good for your bro for standing up for himself and going about things the right way.

He has told me that he would like to have 50/50 custody, but I'm not really sure about how realistic that will be since she is fighting him on everything. That and I haven't really seen very many judges award 50/50 custody when the mother is so intent on not ever letting this child out of her sight..

As far as his background, he is really just a typical kid, got in trouble a few times for curfew stuff like that but nothing that a judge would throw the book at him over, IMO.

As far as the baby is concerned, there is nothing wrong with it right now, as far as I know, but the gf has not been taking care of herself and is now considered high risk. She is trying to say that the dr told her the time frame on when ppl can see the baby but I honestly don't think thats the case... but I'm not sure....

twister22 · July 2012

Questions for the attorney:

1) Have you dealt with a case similar to mine before? Did you represent the BD? How did that go?

2) What is your retainer fee? Your hourly rate?

3) I want 50/50 custody, how likely do you think I am to get that, and at what point?

4) What do you think my visitation will look like for the first year? The second year? After LO starts school?

Best of luck to your brother, this is tricky.

I do wonder why GF is so dead set against BD being involved in the child's life. I feel like something has happened that your little brother isn't telling everyone, or that you're not sharing?

christy2125 · July 2012

twister22:
Questions for the attorney:
1) Have you dealt with a case similar to mine before? Did you represent the BD? How did that go?
2) What is your retainer fee? Your hourly rate?
3) I want 50/50 custody, how likely do you think I am to get that, and at what point?
4) What do you think my visitation will look like for the first year? The second year? After LO starts school?
Best of luck to your brother, this is tricky.
I do wonder why GF is so dead set against BD being involved in the child's life. I feel like something has happened that your little brother isn't telling everyone, or that you're not sharing?

Thanks for the questions to ask! That helps alot.

And I really wish there was something that happened, it would make her bizarre behavior make a little more sense. But sadly no, I asked my brother and he said he didn't do anything, so then I called her(at one point in time she actually like me alot) and her response was "he won't get a job that pays alot of money so we can be our own family and get a house before the baby comes!" In talking to her it made me think that she was expecting them to go from two kids who lived at home with their parents to a full family in 6 months or less, and for her to have her own home and she gets to be a SAHM. When I tried to explain that for them this wasn't a reasonable expectation or time frame she literally started whining saying " but you have your own home!! And " well then he (baby bro) isn't a real man because he isn't providing for his family!

Lots more fun stuff like having her mom drive by his work to make sure he is actually working stopping by my house at all hours to see why he wasn't answering his phone (gee I don't know cause it's 5am?!) things like that. Sadly she just seems very immature and insecure, but also very controlling about the child to be.

emikat · July 2012

If he wants 50/50 custody he should be entitled to it. I would have his attorney be VERY specific in the CO. For example: from age 0 - 3 months he gets X days, from age 3 - 6 months he gets X Days...all the way up to the point where 50/50 custody is established. That's how DH's CO was written. SS was not quite 2 years old when he and BM divorced and so there was a gradual increase in the number of days he was given for overnights. BM was never very cooperative with DH and so this explicit of a CO has helped reinforce what's rightfully his as DH could fall back on it and say we're at age 3 the schedule now changes. Also, I would have your brother put in a relocation clause in there just in case she decides to move away and force the issue of sole custody. Depending on where you live, she may not be able to move until the child grows up. Get everything in writing.

ShawnJuliet · July 2012

I agree that the relocation clause is a really, really good idea!

I am almost positive that they'll make him do a paternity test to confirm that he is the father. He will have to get child support set up.

The most important thing he will have to do is to never, ever back down! He needs to show he is interested in being a parent from day 1! If he ever even seems to not be interested in at least 50/50, things will be more likely to go her way, especially when the child is very young. But if he fights for his rights, he has a better chance, in my opinion.

christy2125 · July 2012

emikat:
If he wants 50/50 custody he should be entitled to it. I would have his attorney be VERY specific in the CO. For example: from age 0 - 3 months he gets X days, from age 3 - 6 months he gets X Days...all the way up to the point where 50/50 custody is established. That's how DH's CO was written. SS was not quite 2 years old when he and BM divorced and so there was a gradual increase in the number of days he was given for overnights. BM was never very cooperative with DH and so this explicit of a CO has helped reinforce what's rightfully his as DH could fall back on it and say we're at age 3 the schedule now changes. Also, I would have your brother put in a relocation clause in there just in case she decides to move away and force the issue of sole custody. Depending on where you live, she may not be able to move until the child grows up. Get everything in writing.

Thanks! I didn't think about having the CO so specific, but it makes alot of sense. And in our county, the relocation clause is almost always written into the CO, she will not be able to move outside of her county or the surrounding counties without permission from the court.

angelamaster1986 · July 2012

The sad thing I have learned in a parenting situation is that it is very difficult for the men to have equal visitation rights to a newborn or young child. When a child is that young, we were told it is important that the mother have majority custody to be sure the child is receiving the proper care and custody can be re-addressed around the age of 4. Unless a mother can be proven unfit, she will be the primary guardian and decision maker. One thing to be sure to mention is that your brother have it written in contract that he is allowed to claim the child as a dependant every other year at taxes. Most men may be unaware of this and my mother did it to my dad. Based on the information you have provided, it makes me feel sad that men dont have more rights to their children as there are just as many good baby-daddies out there are there are poor baby-mommies. Good luck to your brother!!

angelamaster1986 · July 2012

I didnt read what the other women posted but Im sure you will receive some helpful info. My experience may be limited to my state and situation. :-)

Ilumine · July 2012

He needs to man up and grow a spine NOW. I mean really, if he keeps yo-yoing with their relationship and bending over for her insane requests now, it (she) will only get worse after the baby is born.

So if he WANTS to be part of this baby's life, more than a Child Support Check, then he needs to see a lawyer now and be ready to enforce his paternal rights.

Things he needs to have written in the Court Order (if he really is going to be a full time dad)

1) Clear visitation schedule. As a baby, especially during the breast feeding stage, he wont get overnights.

But you can AND SHOULD have the next 18 years worth of schedules written up.

2) Be clear about the dates and times of the exchanges.

within the time, have it written that you have 30 min leeway for traffic unless notified of some specific delay.

3) Location of Exchange is imperative. At the very least, have it written up that if someone moves more than 60 miles away, that the meeting point is to be equal distance between both parents. DO NOT allow her to make him do all of the driving.

4) Holidays are very important. I highly suggest alternating the holidays, not splitting them up. It just makes life that much easier for both parents. Especially if one parent moves.

Make sure that you write in the Holidays with the corresponding years - ie, Thanksgivin and Spring Break goes to BM/Christmas goes to BF on odd years and Thanksgiving and Spring Break goes to BF/Christmas break goes to BM on even years. If you just use the words alternating, things can get messy.

5) Add a codicile about extra cirriculars - a) the BP who signs up the child for an extra cirricular must pay unless the other parent agrees to it. b) ensure that neither parent can sign up the child for an extra cirricular on the other parent's visitation time without that parent's permission in advance. I would even write in there that the Parents must discuss any extra cirriculars before they discuss with the child (that makes the NCP the badguy when they say no).

6) Be very clear about child support. Use the calculator (have your brother's attorney push for the BM to use her potential salary in the calculations) and add on

a) 1/2 of child care - to be paid directly to the child care provider

b) 1/2 of any out of pocket medical expenses - but add that you need to see the official EOB from the HMO and Doctor's bill (because if there is a discrepancy, you may be paying more than you should) before you pay.

7) add that you get Father's day and she gets Mother's day even if the child's weekend falls on your visitation schedule.

8) write up a communication schedule. Ie, child is available for a phone call from NCP every night at 7pm. If the child is unavailable (because life happens) the CP will tell the CP within 24 hours. And any extened time must be relayed in advance, ie going on vacation, let the other parent know.

9) ASK FOR JOINT legal custody. Dicuss medical, educational and religious decisions.

10) Right of first refusal. This is tricky. I personally would allow for immediate family to babysit, but spell out immediate family, the parent''s siblings and the grandparents and any stepparent. But I would rule out any friends (even girl/boyfriend).

11) I would ensure that any Child Support goes through the state - not directly to the Custodial Parent. That is for his protection.

12) also, there are now state run calendars that help organize schedules. I would force this woman to use it. And if your state has any co-parenting classes/programs they need to have that in the CO as well. That is to show that your Brother is working in the best interest of the child.

angelamaster1986 · July 2012

^^^^ LOVE THIS!! ^^^^^^ Great answer!!

BabyHernandez03 · July 2012

He needs a lawyer ASAP I say if he wants to be involved. He needs to be documenting all of this IMO. I would have him call & lawyer & simply say this is what is happening, i do not know what to do & I need help. They should be able to guide him. Good luck to your family!

christy2125 · July 2012

Thanks everyone for the reply's! I should clarify that he has gotten himself an attny and he is meeting with her tomorrow, she is very good at fathers rights and we would be using her if we ever decided we needed to go to court with BM. But he just really has no clue as to what to ask, or what any of this means. That's mostly why I posted, to get questions for him to ask the attny and any other advise anyone who has gone through it can give. Thank you everyone for your advise, I'm going to let him know what everyone said so hopefully he can get a better clue as to what he is going to be dealing with for the next 18 + years.

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