Family planning... how far in advance

senoritabower · July 2012

My wife and I are recently married. We're planning to start a family within the next year or two. After talking through our options, we've decided that an unknown donor is best for our family. My wife will definitely be the one to carry. We're thinking that next summer is when we would start trying. Do we wait a bit to research doctors, sperm banks, etc? Or is this the time we should start? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

clairmeij · July 2012

I think it really varies from couple to couple. I started looking into donors and banks about 8 months before we were ready to try. I short listed the ones that I liked, and my partner and I discussed it and settled on a final donor about a month before we started trying.

I also researched health insurance and changed mine several months in advance so that I could get better coverage.

2brides · July 2012

I would start reading all of the books (see the FAQ at the top of this board), look at the various banks to see how each bank works/prices/etc - but I wouldn't pick a donor yet since a lot can change in a year with their availability!

2moms2b · July 2012

For my wife and myself, we took about a year to investigate our options, costs, coverage etc. We have tried both at home and this last time around used an RE. If you plan on using a RE or midwife then I would definitely take time to research different doctors offices, different sperm banks, anonymous vs id option unknown donors, prices, insurance coverage and out of pocket costs.

For us it was a very personal decision as there are some major things to be considered such as donor and process. We wanted to ensure we had plenty of time to talk things out and make the best decision for our family.

hlke · July 2012

Like many here, we started about a year out from our first insem. We started by reading the two main Lesbian Conception/Birth books (Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper). We hadn't yet decided on known/unknown/id-release donors or how medicalized we wanted the process to be, and found the Brill books particularly helpful for that decision-making. In the midst of that decision-making process, I found the wonderful ladies here and learned much more about how these things work in a more "real world" sense.

I would definitely spend some time considering what your different options are medically. Often women will get referred straight to a reproductive endocrinologist (who usually specialize in treating infertility, but also know a lot about donor insemination), but there are other options out there, including LGBT focused alternative insemination programs (in big cities or affiliated with feminist health centers), non-medicated cycles with midwife practices, etc. It is really a matter of personal preference, finances, and insurance coverage. It's good to have lots of time to make those decisions, and it definitely factored into our health insurance choices.

Definitely stick around here to help you learn what is involved...I actually found it very empowering to know that yes, many people have done this before and it will all be okay.

JGY · July 2012

I've been mostly a lurker on this board up until now, though I do plan to start becoming more active now that we've finally got our first BFP!

The process is different for everyone, surely. But no matter what you decide I would encourage you to start getting intimately aquainted with your wife's cycle, if you haven't already. Temp charting, and Ovulation Predictor Kits if you choose. www.fertilityfriend.com is a fantastic resource if you're not already using it.

My experience has been that even though I went through an RE (did use a Family Practic Clinic first), I had to do a lot of self-advocacy, and knowing my cycle inside and out made a huge difference in getting the care and the help that I needed.

Good luck to you both! I hope to continue to see you around here.

JGY

ball.and.chain · July 2012

PPs gave good advice. I would recommend reading and researching now -- the Brill and Pepper books, plus Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Wechsler. The first two will really give you a sense of the process and TCOYF will teach you about charting and help you/your wife understand her body/cycles. Sign up for Fertility Friend, do the tutorials, and start charting -- I'd try to get 3 cycles in before you start TTC. It will help you understand how you'll time inseminations when you start, and will identify possible problems ahead of time. Find out what your insurance covers -- for some people it will be almost nothing; in my case, it's covered everything. If your wife's employer offers different insurance plans, she may want to upgrade to one with more coverage ahead of time.

Researching doctors/other providers and sperm banks at this point is fine, but I agree with 2brides that researching actual donors is not a good idea as the availability/options will change in the next year.

Save money. Take a good vacation, if you can.

hlke · July 2012

ball.and.chain:
Save money. Take a good vacation, if you can.

This and this. And find out what your employers' parental leave policies are, because you may also want to start hoarding vacation time/sick time/PTO.

ball.and.chain · July 2012

hlke:
ball.and.chain:
Save money. Take a good vacation, if you can.
This and this. And find out what your employers' parental leave policies are, because you may also want to start hoarding vacation time/sick time/PTO.

Also a good idea! Always on my wavelength, hlke.

Of course I hoarded vacation time for 2012...and guess what, I'm not delivering no babies in 2012.

senoritabower · July 2012

Wow! This is great information! Thanks, everyone.

mypalbabs · July 2012

Research costs and start saving your money. Even if you do at-home insemination, the costs add up very quickly.

If you have a local sperm bank that offers courier delivery, check them out. We're able to get same-day home delivery for $90 (which is a LOT less than you'd pay to receive sperm via FedEx)

Don't fall in love with a specific donor unless you're willing to pre-purchase and pay to store his specimens until next year. This would be very expensive.

We were surprised at how much paperwork we had to do with our sperm bank. We needed a physician to "sponsor" us - they wouldn't sell us sperm without a doc signing off on it.

You'll probably have to be home to receive sperm delivery (if you're doing at-home insemination). This has meant taking off a lot of time from work just to be home to take delivery! Save up that time off.

Chart, chart, and chart some more.

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