- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
April 2012 Moms
Help me not smack DH
DH and I had a pretty big fight last night and now I want to smack him upside his head. Yes, I know, violence isn't the answer, but you know what I mean!
I was sorting through clothes that Lily has outgrown to sell them at the next big consignment sale. I said something about selling her Bumbo and swing since she hates them both. DH said, "Why not save them for the next baby?" and I responded with "Because I don't know if we'll have a next baby." And that's when the fight started.
He says we "agreed" to have two kids before we got married, and he's right. We both said we wanted two kids. However, I had a rough pregnancy, a c-section and, oh yeah, a baby with a serious heart defect! Genetic testing was inconclusive as to whether or not any future kids would likely have the same defect.
I said we could adopt, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want Lily to be an only child. He says we could get pregnant and, if the 18 week special ultrasound showed another heart defect, have an abortion. While I'm pro-choice, I really don't think I could do that. I finally told him that we could have another kid if he figures out a way to carry it himself a la Arnold Schwarzenegger.
While I'm not 100% that I will never have another child, I'm pretty sure that I'm done having kids. I just don't think I can take that risk.
Tell me, am I being unfair, or is DH being a butthead?
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me not smack DH
You have an infant so give it some time. You both could change your minds at some point.
The geneticist wants to do more, but the insurance won't pay for it, so we're at an impasse there.
I think my real problem is not that he wants another kid and I don't, but that I feel like so many of the sacrifices that have been made and would have to be made were made by me. I'm the one who deals with the pregnancy symptoms, not him. I'm the one who had to recover from surgery, not him. And I'm the one who stayed at the hospital for a month while he visited on weekends since he had to go back to work. I still resent him for that, even though that isn't fair and I know it's something I have to get over.
The whole thing took a huge physical and emotional toll on me and I don't think he gets that. The thought of not having another child makes me sad, but the thought of having another sick child scares the ever loving daylights out of me!
My mom had 4 c-sections with no issues. Just saying that it is possible.
I see both your points, but really side with you the most. I think most people just assume when you get pregnant, you will end up with a beautiful, healthy baby. That is not always the case. I think neither of you should make a decision at this point. Even though you both 'agreed' to 2 kids, you're allowed to change your mind.
My husband and I lost our first son at 22weeks, and had to deliver stillborn. As devestated as we were, we both decided to try again. I was VERY high risk with this pregnancy, and had u/s every 2 weeks after 18w to check on baby up until delivery. Luckily, we had an uneventful pregnancy, but DS had SEVERE jaundice, and had to have a transfusion, and spend a week in the NICU. After leaving the hospital, we found out that he was developing anemia, and had to spend countless hours at Children's and 2 blood transfusions before he is finally declared ok - 3 months later. I know we could've had it MUCH worse, but what we went through was not easy.
When I was pregnant after losing our first son, I always told myself that if I was lucky enough to have one, then I might not push my luck. I'm not ruling another child completely out, but if we only end up with DS, then I'll be happy. Pregnancy is sooo very difficult on families, especially high risk pregnancies which it sounds like your next one would be as well. You guys will have to come to a compromise at some point in time, but I think you need to give it time. You both may change your minds. And for what it's worth - I am pro choice, BUT I could not imagine how difficult it would be to abort at 18 weeks. Adoption is something I had thought about as well, but I don't think my hubby would be interested either.
DH and I are having similar discussions right now, although the situations are reversed. I would like to consider more kids, but he's always wanted only 2, because that's what he grew up with. DD was a micro preemie, so that changed the equation a bit, and I agreed that if there were complications with child #2, we'd be done. Well, DS is fine, and I assumed we'd consider the issue when DS was at least sleeping through the night.
Well, DH has apparently decided he wants to be done. I think part of it is because he's overwhelmed with a new job, a cranky 5-y-o and a new baby, but part of it is he's determined to do what is parents did: one of each and then be done.
My thinking is, the first few months of having a baby are not the time to make decisions like that. I understand how you may not want to go through another pregnancy, but taking a few months to let yourself step back from all the new baby issues probably couldn't hurt.