Advice from birthmothers - gift at finalization

starbuck71 · July 2012

We are finalizing our adoption next week, something that has taken 17 months to happen. We have a very good relationship with our son's birthmom, although we have not seen her since the adoption because we live half way across the country, so our relationship consists of a blog that I keep for her and text messages and emails. We will be seeing her when we are back for finalization and I have been stressing about a gift. I was thinking about a necklace with his birthstone, but every time I go to look at jewelry I second guess myself because my husband keeps saying she may not want a constant reminder. I started a photo book, but then questioned that because I thought it may be difficult for her to see pictures of a life that she has not been a part of. She has told me that she is in a good place with this and is very happy for us, but I just don't really know.

So, I would like some advice, especially from birthmothers. What kind of gift would be appropriate to show her how important she is to all of us?

THANKS!!

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

Not a birthmom, but I feel you. We think about this every time we want to get a gift for DD's BM. We have avoided jewelry because she has a few signature pieces we always see her wear, so we don't want her to feel like she has to wear what we give her instead. I think a photobook would be great. She can see her child growing up, and she can look at it if/when she wants. It's not like it will be with her every minute of the day, KWIM?

Ginny0211 · July 2012

You are so sweet to put so much thought into this and really try to consider her feelings.

Every birthmother is different of course, but I would of loved a photo book. I always appreciated pictures of my birthson. Yes, it makes me sad whenever I think of how i'm not in those pictures with him, BUT it also made me very happy and content to see him smiling in those pictures. Seeing him happy in pictures, as well as at visits REALLY helps me whenever those painful feelings arise. My birthson's parents always send school pictures, but they also send pictures of the whole family. I appreciate all of them. I like to see how they are wonderful parents and see him happy with his family.

Just a thought. If you have a picture of the birthmom, or something special from the birthmom you could take a picture of you showing that to your son. Just one idea of a picture that might mean a lot to the birthmom. Also, if she gave him any clothes, dress him in those for some pictures. I still remember when we had our first visit and my birthson's mom put him in some clothes and socks that I got him and it meant SO much to me that she thought of that.

Hope this helps.

Ginny0211 · July 2012

Just thought of something. She might not want to look at the picture book in front of everyone so you might want to give her heads up and let her know that she is welcome to open the gift right then or later at home.

I am handed pictures at visits now and I am fine, but in the first year I did cry while looking at pictures sometimes and would not of wanted to cry in front of my birthson's parents.

srmmm09 · July 2012

I agree with a photobook, but don't feel like you need to give a gift at all. LO's parents haven't ever given me gifts, and I understand that they may have felt awkward about trying to buy favor or something like that. It's definitely not an expectation of a lot of BMs, I'd say, that you get them gifts.

Patches08 · July 2012

I love the birth stone necklace idea. After my DD's birth I bought a diamond ring that has a sapphire on each side. I bought two, one for me and one for her when she's older. I think a photo book would be a great gift too. AP's made me a few photo books over the years.. but since you have a blog (which I assume contains lots of photos for BM). I suggest a homemade gift if you didn't want to buy her jewelry.. maybe something your LO helped paint? Like one of those paint your own pottery places? Maybe a small keepsake box? Just thinking out loud. A nice card with a handwritten note would be just as special if you're not feeling comfortable giving a gift. I've saved every card AP's gave me over the years. AP's got me a few small things over the years but I never expected them to. Just do what feels right. FYI, I would never be hurt or sad by a gift that reminds me of DD. I love everything and anything her. Even though I'm comfortable in our placement now, I would have given you the same answer 7 years ago when the wounds were still fresh. Good luck and Congrats! Sorry for the formatting, I'm posting from my phone.

JELLYRUNNER01 · July 2012

I think something that has more thought such as the photo book would be a great idea. I hope when i find the right couple for my child Ill find someone as thoughtful as yourself. Im sure its not easy thinking of the gift and the fact your considering her feelings is so sweet

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Advice from birthmothers - gift at finalization

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