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Baby Showers
How not to hurt my MIL (long, sorry)
Hello ladies! My MIL has offered, ok, kinda more like told me she was going to throw me a shower. My mother also wants to throw me a shower. Since my mother lives 4 hours away, and all my friends and such are up here where I live, I asked if they could host together. They both were happy with the idea.
A little back story. At my bachelorette party (I didn't even want one), somehow she took it over, instead of my maid of honor, and invited all her sisters, and aunts. It was seriously a bummer, as most are 3x my age. Opening some of the gifts (the lacy fun stuff you get) was totally embarrassing. And to be honest, I really didn't know a majority of them. I went with it, because well, she was going to be my mother in law, and thought I had to.
Fast forward to now, 8 years later.... My husband mentioned to her last weekend that we (we would like to have a co-ed shower) don't want a ton of people there, specially if we don't know them personally. She looked at DH like he had four heads, and just said "well why not?" That was a red flag right there. DH didn't want me or her upset, so we dropped the subject then and there. Figuring we would talk about it more later.
My MIL is one of 11 kids, and is close with all her cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I will just say when they have Christmas parties and such, there are literally 100+ people there. I know she is going to want to invite EVERYONE, plus all her friends. How do I tell her, without hurting her feelings, that the party should be about DH, the new little boy, and myself, without hurting her? I don't mind her inviting her brothers and sisters, plus all DH's cousins. But I would really like for her not to invite all her aunts, uncles, cousins, plus all her friends. She tends to make things about herself.
Before you say "decline the shower." This would break her heart. And could cause a huge ripple in the family. I can't and won't do that to her. She is really looking forward to this. How do I not hurt her? I know this is a gift, and maybe I should suck it up, and just let her do what she wants. But if I were to do that, there would literally be probably close to 75+ people there. I'm a shy person, I don't know these people... I would be uber embarrassed to be opening all those gifts in front of them..... not to mention we would be there for days!
What say the baby showers board? Suck it up buttercup? Just express my feelings again, in hopes she understands and doesn't get upset? I love her to death, and I just don't want to hurt her!
So sorry for the novel!
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Re: How not to hurt my MIL (long, sorry)
Have 2 showers. Tell her that the one for your family and friends needs to be small (budget, space, blah blah blah). Have your smaller co-ed BBQ that you know youll enjoy.
Then just suck it up and go to the big one she throws for her family. Make sure DH can be there too - and be gracious and go and deal with it.
The gift opening DOES NOT HAVE to talk that long. Be quick and efficient about it. TRUST ME - the guests don't want to see yo ube delicate about opening gifts when they see a pile of 50 more to go!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. ECB nailed it again!
As always!
ITA. Have your mom host the smaller BBQ, and MIL can throw the huge one.
One issue with a BBQ is I'm due in November... and live in Wisconsin, no BBQ'ing after August here! lol. Also, 2 showers really won't work. There would literally be about 5 people from my side of the family/friends that would attend. Not really a fun party with 5 people. My family isn't super close, and they all live 4 hours away, with jobs and small kids. They aren't willing to travel (nice, eh?). All my friends up here were going to throw me a mini shower themselves. So I guess its back to the drawing board for me, trying to figure out how to express this to MIL without hurting her. To be the center of attention of 75+ people isn't something I could handle, specially with a high risk pregnancy.
But thank you all for your responses!
Well, I think you need to involve your DH on this. HE needs to help you deal w/ his mother.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But, you can try to re-iterate your point: "MIL, I am really excited for my shower, but I'm also getting anxious about having so many people there, especially people I don't know well. As you know, I've had a difficult pregnancy, and would be totally overwhelmed by any shower with more than 30 attendees. That's something we should be able to manage, right? Here, let's look at the guest list together." Then, start suggesting rules. "Oh my gosh, 70 people?! Okay, let's limit it to people I've met." Or whatever rule seems to work.
Have DH tell his mom that while you're grateful for what she's willing to do, you two have discussed this and that you both want this to be a more intimate event, especially considering that being the center of attention in a large group is stressful and because you'd feel awkward inviting people to a gift giving event who you don't know that well.
Be kind in delivering the message but be firm. If she starts steamrolling you now, just imagine when baby comes. Time to start putting your foot down.
You're shy and don't want to be the center of attention - she seems to have no regard for you and your feelings. Why are you SO concerned about hers?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you should have YH talk to her about it, as other have suggested, nicely, but firmly. Otherwise you said your family would only be a small group and your friends wanted to throw you a "mini shower" - why don't you combine those events since your mom was going to co-host with your MIL where you live anyway. Just have your mom co-host with your friends and have the small shower you want. Then let your MIL throw the big event she wants and just be gracious and go to it. If all of their family events are huge undertakings, it probably seems more normal to her.
Once you are throwing your LO's birthday parties and what not, you and YH can determine the guest list and the number of people you are comfortable with and she will have to live with it.
Thanks Ladies! I know I need to put my foot down. I have just never been one for confrontation. But, I realize I have to just put my feelings out there. I will also talk to DH, and see if he can talk to her. She is also the same lady that looked at me funny when I told her I don't like form fitting clothes on toddlers (maybe I'm just to modest). She would be the type to buy a toddler a string bikini, and think nothing of it. Thank goodness we are having a boy!
And I am concerned about her feelings because she is my mother in law. Someone I will have to have in my life the next 30+ years. I wouldn't hurt my own mothers feelings, why would I hurt my MIL's?
Plus, you're just as much her DIL and I think it falls to her too to put YOUR feelings and requests first too. WHich is an approach I think your DH could take with her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you ECB! I agree with you, she is just a strong willed lady who seems to turn every party into something about her. Luckily, its not usually an issue, its only when she is hosting parties for others. DH will talk to her, and I will put my foot down, and just have to tell her if its going to be a party about her and her friends, I would rather not have the shower. My mother has offered to just buy all things off my registry if I decide to do that (hopefully it won't come to that). That way, its her decision, either a smaller shower, or no shower at all. I know she's excited, as its her last grandchild. She will just have to understand.... plus, I just cannot have all the stress of all those people.
Thanks ladies, you have all been very helpful, and I guess I just needed the encouragement to express my true feelings!
Personally I think you have to just suck it up and let this one go. Most likely (because she has these people at holiday functions) your DH is close to them. Is she having the co-ed shower? I wasn't sure about that. If it is co-ed 70 people really is not all that much...plus not all will be able to make it.
It is interesting to see how so many people feel she shouldn't steam-roll over YOUR feelings...but it seems to be OK to do the same to HERS.
IMO...she is the one footing the bill so she gets a lot of say in who is invited. Since your family won't travel the distance to come to a shower...you should be thrilled your DH's family will. You could always mention how much it will cost with that many people in attendance...and maybe suggest scaling back the invite list. If that doesn't faze her then I wouldn't try again.