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Blended Families
Getting Over Becoming a Mom
Wondering if any SMs who aren't already BMs out there have experience in "getting over" wanting to have children of their own.
DH and I have been together for 4 years, married since Oct. He's always said that he wants to have kids with me, but as the time has gone on, I don't see this becoming a priority for him any time soon. When I try to bring up the subject with him (not around SSs), he pushes the conversation off completely and refuses to talk about it. He will not talk with me about putting a financial plan in place to save, timing, and various other concerns. This is a 180 degree difference.
Quite honestly, I think he is very content now to just have his two boys. SSs (especially SS2 (7.5)) have also been very vocal recently about not wanting any more siblings - times when babies are around in public or they are around younger cousins. They got an older step-sister when BM remarried last year, but step-sis does not live with them full-time.
DH is in his early 40s, and I'm in my late 20s. I understand time is not completely out yet. Maybe I'm just getting antsy/nervous and reading into it too much. I love SSs very much, but I know it is not enough for me - it's not a replacement for becoming a mom myself.
How do you "get over it" when you've met the person that you want to have kids with, but that person doesn't seem interested any longer?
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Re: Getting Over Becoming a Mom
Is he willing to go to marriage counseling with you? This isn't something you will probably just "get over", instead it will fester and cause resentment.
Maybe try asking him "Is there a reason you don't even want to discuss us having a baby any more, because it's causing me a lot of anxiety since we had always planned to have children."
Sorry you're going through this.
I am not in your situation but I wanted to answer. I don't think you can just get over it. If having kids is something you really want and he refuses you may come to resent him and it could cause serious problems. If he agrees to make you happy he may end up resenting you. This is something you need to talk honestly about, is it a case of him not wanting another child right now, or never wanting another child.
You do have time as long as you are both on the same page.
I think he is putting you in an extremely bad spot. He cannot take away your becoming a mother. If he didn't want to have kids he should have told you before you got married and let you make a decesion. This is the kind of thing that is a deal breaker.
Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. If you have a desire to have children you need to tell him. If you feel like you can wait then tell him your timeframe. If he isn't on board you need to decided if this is ok with you or not. You still have at least 5 years to figure it out but you don't want to wait another 4 years and then have him say no.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you can work it out.
And not that this really has anything to do with your situation but when my ex realized we were having problems and he was "falling out of love" with me (and into love with his coworker) he stopped talking about having children. I knew the relationship was over when he no longer brought up future plans like more children.
It isn't something you just get over, nor should he expect you to.
I will say I have a feeling your ages have something to do with it though. In my late 20s/early 30s I would have done anything to have a child. FI says he was the same way ... he knew he wanted a child one day. I did have a child with my first h at 31. We divorced. Met fi at age 35. I'll be 38 next year when we get married. He will be 37. We have talked and we would like to try and have a child together. I have asked him what happens if we can't. And he said that at his age, and considering we have ds to care for, if we can't have one, we can't have one. I feel the same way. We try and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. This is a total 180 from how I felt even 3 years ago. Perhaps him getting older could be influencing how he feels?
If you have always been very clear about your desire to have biological children, you should not have to "get over it". You're not the one who seems to have changed their mind.
You need to be open and honest about your expectations in your marriage with your husband and a counselor.
Children do not get a say in their parents' decision to have additional children. I think we had a poster in the past who regretted telling her SM and BD not to have children. It's not a decision that children are mature enough to make, nor should they have that kind of power over someone else's life.
This! And I wouldn't wait either. Having my own children was a huge priority to me and thankfully DH is the kind of man who wants a HUGE family. But if he put it off after saying he would I would be going ballistic.
You can't get over it. And those feelings you have now will only get stronger. Trust me. At 25/26/27 I did not want kids and was totally confident in being in a marriage where that wasnt an option. At 32 my heart breaks nearly everyday knowing that I will never be a mom. As in I am crying at my desk typing that out-it's not something I ever admit publicly. I willingly entered ino my marriage knowing there would be no possibility of having children. And I was ok with that. Time has gone on, and my feeling have changed about children but not my marriage, and that is my cross to bear.
You need to sit down with your H and have the conversation. Let him know that changing the subject isn't going to make the topic go away and that you need to know what his feelings are. Waiting isn't going to make it easier. And you need to decide what you will do if he says he doesn't want more children-I promise your feelings won't change and they are not easy to live with.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
My DH is also in his early 40s. I am a little older than you, in my early thirties. This was a complete deal breaker for me. We discussed this multiple times before getting married. DH probably could go either way if we have our own child. He knows how important it is to me and has/will go through any process that I want to make this happen.
I have two stepsons. They are mid-late teens. I pay for them, care for them, feed them, clothe them but am not their mother.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!