How to handle complete meltdowns - more than a tantrum?

LilyB2521 · July 2012

Once in a while (not a whole lot, this has happened 5, maybe times), when DD doesn't get her way she completely freaks out - as in a 30 minute, sometimes longer, tantrum. And that's an understatement.

Last time it happened here was the scenario:

We were in a public restroom, she couldn't reach the paper towel dispenser to let the towels out herself so I let them out for her, not knowing she wanted to do it. As we started to walk out the bathroom door DD completely freaked out (I didn't know why at the time). So bad that I had to carry her out of the store screaming. We get to the car, and she was throwing such a huge tantrum that we couldn't get her strapped into her car seat. At one point she slapped my H in the face. After about 10 minutes we got her strapped in, but she was still completely freaking out. While we were driving home, she started kicking the window...hard - DH told her not to kick the window and she continued to do it, so he took her shoes off. She just continued crying and screaming, and screaming, and screaming. This went on for the entire 15 minute ride home. She kept saying she wanted to go back to Target to go wash her hands (which we had already done, but she wanted to do the towels herself). I told her she could wash her hands when we got home. By the time we got home, about 25 minutes had gone by and she was still throwing a massive tantrum.

It got to the point where after about 10 more minutes I felt like she wasn't going to calm herself down, so I went up to her and started the 'take deep breaths, count to 10' thing just to try to get her just to calm down. Finally with the mention of having some lunch she was able to calm herself down enough to try to talk to her. Then 10 minutes later she's eating and it's as if nothing ever happened.

I guess I have a few questions about this. First, is this type of a tantrum normal for a 3 year old? Second, I want to talk to her about it, but I have no clue where to start? She's old enough to know what she's doing, so I feel like I should be able to talk to her about her behavior, but I have no clue what to say to her? I honestly feel like I handled the situation OK, I didn't scream or yell at her, when I did talk to her I tried to stay calm and tell her we weren't going back to Target, we were going home. It's very frustrating - any advice? Thanks.

GrobansGirl · July 2012

This is crazy because I have been having a very similar problem with my 3 yr old daughter.

It started a couple weeks ago where she'll have a meltdown over something that's seemingly not that big of a deal and will absolutely lose it.

This is out of character for her and she's always been fairly obedient and eager to listen (you know, for a 3 yr old ;-) but she literally will have a look in her eye I don't recognize and will scream and even try to hit me which she's never done before.

I was telling my husband about it because it literally scares me when it happens since it's so strange and as you said, once it's over she's back to her normal sweet, seemingly logical self.

I'm thinking it's some kind of hormonal surge or change that's brewing. I would be interested to know if other moms have experienced something like this.

jw87 · July 2012

From my own experience... this has happened to us a handful of times, and it's VERY rare.

The last time was a year ago and DS completely freaked out when I didn't get him a matchbox car at the store because he was acting up. He completely freaked out and I had to carry him out of the store kicking and screaming and well... everything you described above.

DS is very patient and kind and hasn't acted out like that since then, I think it was just his emotions and the day and part of growing up I guess. If it was more frequent I would be concerned, but if it is rare then I wouldn't think twice about it.

Hang in there, to me I think you handled the situation perfectly.

sunnyday016 · July 2012

DD has had a handful of these and they are similar to what you described. They have not happened in public though, thank goodness, but I think you handled it perfectly.

When they happen here, I send her up to her room to cry. I want her to feel like her room is her own space to let her emotions out, and that also has the added bonus of removing her from the rest of the family and letting her calm down in her own time. I'll usually go in after 10-15 minutes to ask if she's ready to calm down and do something else but if she's not I leave her alone. I personally get too worked up if I'm near her and she's freaking out so I also need that space so I don't lose my cool. Typically she'll just all of a sudden decide that she is done and is ready to come back downstairs and join us.

Laine2003 · July 2012

I don't really think there's anything you could have done differently in that situation but we went through similar tantrums with our now 4 yr old when she was 2-2.5 years old.

That's a big age for independence and something as small as getting paper towels on her own turns into a total meltdown. I finally got to a point where I recognized the source of her frustration and instead of trying to do it for her, enabled her to accomplish the task herself. So in that situation I would have picked her up a little so she could reach the towels on her own.

If you reach a point of no return you just have to wait until they want comfort then give lots of hugs and soothing words, like you did. You just have to let it run it's course sometimes.

It'll take some time to learn the cues to her frustration but you'll get it eventually, it's most likely going to be an independence type related thing though.

GL

ilovemygirls · July 2012

My oldest (now 7) used to do this on a regular basis. Luckily never in public, but at home- lawd almighty. I think her screaming/tantrum record was around the 2 hour mark. If she got completely out of control, like a PP I would just send her to her room. I was not going to let her behavior impact the entire household. There is truly no reasoning with them when they are so out of sorts. I think you handled the situation great.

Sometimes being hungry or tired can set one off when they are that age. And yes, 3 is totally the age for this. They are learning to exert independence & sometimes it comes out in verrry difficult ways. Every parent should get a medal for surviving the 3's.

KatFCo · July 2012

Not only is it an independence issue, but kids at this age depend on predictability. When things happen differently than the way they expected it to, their brains struggle to adapt. She expected to get the paper towels herself and when that didn't happen, she had a hard time adjusting. My DD just turned 5 and this still happens sometimes, so we always try to communicate with her about what's going to happen. Not only does that include her in our plans, but it also helps her be prepared.

LilyB2521 · July 2012

Thank you so much for all of your replies, this helps a lot - in both knowing that this behavior is normal for a 3 year old, and also reassuring me that I handled it OK.

Terrible 2's have nothing on 3's...

KathrynMD · July 2012

Ditto everyone else; I think its pretty normal.

I might try "helping" her to calm down earlier next time though and reinforcing it as much as possible. I always tell DD to take a deep breath and count to 3 anytime she's on the edge of getting upset/mad or even when she's crying b/c she had a minor injury. It sort of helps both of us. Its not always super effective when she's really working herself up, but I think it might make it quicker.

mrsseguin · July 2012

DS will have complete meltdowns as well...I think it stems from them wanting to be independent and do things for themselves. In your situation I would have let DD get the paper towels herself, or lifted her up to get them herself. Sometimes I would even go back to the bathroom again just so they could do it. There are times when we can't let DS have his way for whatever reason. I find what calms him down is acknowledging why he's upset. I say "you wanted to get the paper towel from the bathroom?" "Next time mommy will let you do it". "It's ok to be upset". Although DS will still be upset, I find talking to him helps calm him down. It is very frustrating when they throw a huge tantrum, but if things like that are something DS can do, we always try to let him do it.

JillAly · July 2012

My 4.5 year old still has these tantrums plus - unfortunately it doesn't seem to end at a certain age.

I'm definitely no pro on how to handle it but I found Dr. Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block really helpful on how to handle it. The one thing he said that really hit home with me is that when they are in the middle of the tantrum, they can't hear you- they're totally caught up in it and before you can explain and rationalize why you can't go back to Target, you have to snap them out of it and get their attention. He said repeat one phrase over and over to grab their attention- like- "you're mad, mad, mad, mad" and say it with a lot of energy. It's like when you are totally focused on something and someone screams your name - you finally hear it and don't undestand why they needed to scream your name- and they say they repeated it 10 times. It's the same with the kids- you have to grab their attention. Once you do that and they look at you, then you can talk to them. I got Dr. Karp's video and it's amazing to watch it - it really works. It didn't stop my son from having the tantrums but it does stop them cold in his tracks. Now if I can just get him to stop hitting me!! But that's another story.

jlw2505 · July 2012

My kids have both at times had tantrums like this - they get to a point where they just have no clue why they are so upset but past the point where they can calm themselves down. I think you handled it well. Talking to kids during tantrums like this typically only makes it worse. I have carried my kids out to the car and then just put them in the car (I don't mess with the seat) and just sit there and let them cry/scream/whatever. If I sense that they are starting to calm down, I will try to talk to them - distract them or get them into their seat so we can move on. If we are at home, I get them into their rooms and leave them there until they calm down. At some point, it typically helps if I am in the room and sometimes if I hold them (the pressure seems to help ground them). Both of my kids do deep breaths and counting to 10 (we all do, older DD has ADHD and it is part of what works great with her when she is getting out of control). I will bring up what happened only after I know that the situation is past. Often times, just getting the kids into a different setting (different room, outside, etc) works well to get them past this. Often times, we have these moments when the kids are hungry or tired but not always. It is hard. OLder DD used to have horrible tantrums and just ignoring her during the worst of it tends to make it go by faster. My younger DD (age 4) has them but hers are different - more for attention than anything else so when she sees it is not working (by my staying calm or going into a different room, etc) they tend to stop. Granted the other day at a friends BBQ she was not happy with me for some reason so anytime I went near her, she would run in another direction and made a game out of it - I stopped and DH handled her and it totally worked as she knew what she was trying with me was getting her nowhere.

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