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Krisx2
member
Alright, I take it back.
Krisx2
member
So things were going SO well, I should have known that was a caution sign for sharp turns ahead!
SD called BM on Sunday for their usual chat and ended up in complete tears. She had such a hard time that she ended up calling her again at 9:50 pm and asking to again at 11 pm. From her first conversation at 7 till she finally went to sleep at 11:15 she was crying and fretful. And I don't mean just a few "I miss my momma" tears, but complete sobbing hysterics. We aren't positive what exactly went on in their conversation, but we boiled it down to a few things.
1. SD misses her BM. Completely normal/understandable/expected. She is nearly 10 now and usually misses her mom a bit for the first 3 weeks while here, but she is usually consoled by a phone call/text to her mom. Her reaction this week is a complete regression from last year.
2. SD is abnormally attached to her BM. She stated she is "worried" that if she doesn't talk to her mom every night and tell her goodnight that she will forget her. She told me that even when she is at school, whenever her BM drops her off at school, she cries because she misses her so much and can't stand the 8 hours of school till she can see her again. SD has been spending a significant portion of each summer at our house since kindergarten. She will be in 4th grade this year. Like I said, this emotional worry and attachment is a regression from years previous.
3. SD is abnormally anxious about her BM. SD is afraid that if she doesn't hear from her mom that something bad has happened. She stated "if I don't get to hear her say 'sweet dreams' before I go to bed, all I can think about is that she drank to much and swerved in the road or that her and stepdad got in a big fight or that she's at a party or that she is lonely". She says she feels this anxiety while at home with BM and with us and that she worries/feels anxious/feels sad multiple times a day.
4. SD is stressed because of her involvement in the court/mediation. BM has involved SD in every step of the process and SD has expressed feeling torn between her parents and emotionally distraught by hurting one or the other. We haven't talked much about the court stuff since she arrived here, but it is no doubt on her mind. She is caught in the middle of a really heated/tense battle between her parents.
SD was such a carefree kid till this mediation battle began. Even last year she seemed to adjust within a week or two. I'm not sure if we should just watch and console her and hope that her adjustment is just taking longer? She is asking to call BM every night since Sunday, even twice a night. I'm hesitant to let her call so often because it takes two hours of crying to calm her down for sleep. She agreed to try calling earlier in the day to prevent upset before bed time. Should we just let her call whenever she wants even though it's causing a meltdown? We've NEVER prevented her from calling before. I've talked to SD about writing in a journal/praying/texting BM about her anxieties during the day. We might be able to see the counselor next week.
Any advice or insight? Thanks in advance.
Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.
DS born 12/29/14
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Alright, I take it back.
My advice would be to talk to a counselor - about "weaning" SD from BM. She's too focused and involved with BM. Your house should be your time and every day is not necessary to talk with BM. And BM involving her in the mediation and everything else going on is added to that. And my guess is if she's so abnormally attached it's because of things BM is saying to her that cause her additional worry. Talking to her reminds her of how much she misses her...and it's probable that in these talks BM is saying stuff that adds to her emotions.
Keep her involved in things with you and her dad and distracted from the BM drama.
This child sounds emotionally abused to me.
While with you and dad I think distracting her from what is causing her the anxiety might help. Keep her active and interested in something else so that her mind can get away from all the turmoil she seems to be experiencing.
I think professional counseling would also be in her best interest, because while distracting her may work for the evening or the weekend or what have you, long term, she is adopting some seriously unhealthy issues.
I hope you get to see the counselor soon to address her unhealthy anxiety.
In the meantime I would limit calls to one a day. Let her call around 7, talk as long as she wants and say good night. Then put the phone away and console her the best you can. Remind her she can talk to her mom again tomorrow.
I used to tell my SD to make a list in her head when she had trouble falling asleep. It could be of school supplies she would need for the year, things she wanted for Christmas, places she wants to travel in her life... anything really. She would fall asleep making her list.