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A Bit Reversed (WWYD?)

phq2011phq2011
in Blended Families
So I am not sure where to post this, hopefully you ladies can help. My step-mom has been part of my family since I was 3. Now that I am expecting she has become very distant. I know she can't have children of her own so she never experienced pregnancy or small infants. Recently she said to me over the phone that she may be distant because she is afraid of newborns and is uncomfortable around them. I wasn't sure how to respond except to say that it's okay, we will work it out. I don't want her to be deprived because she is my mom (my BM died shortly after I was born), but I also have no clue what to do. I almost got the impression she didn't want to be around the baby at all when he comes. I feel that would be unfair to my dad, but also don't want to make my mom uncomfortable either. WWYD?
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Re: A Bit Reversed (WWYD?)

  • emikatemikat member
    I'm not sure if this is what your mom is feeling, but I've wondered how I would feel in the future if I'm unable to have my own biological child the day my SS has children. To be honest, I think it would be painful in a way that someone who can't have their own children just wouldn't understand. I'm sure your mom loves you so very much. But maybe she's also aware of the feelings this is going to bring up in her that is unavoidable. Take some time to lurk on the child free not by choice page. Even if she loves you as her own, the newborn just may remind her that she never got to experience that. I commend her on her honesty and just give her time. I am sure she wants to be the doting grandmother and she probably will be before you know it. 
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    TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!

    FET 4/28/2015 - Transferred 1 M embie. 5/6/15 BFP!

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  • RhennaRhenna
    I would let her have whatever space she needed, as in you not actively trying to involve her in things.  But at the same time I would still go about my life as normal which if that involves bringing the baby over to see your mom and dad then do it.  Just go into it knowing that she may not show interest in holding the baby or be fawning over it.  I can't say from her perspective but I have kids and I don't really like babies and feel uncomfortable around them.  Mine are one thing but if I'm around someone elses baby I never really want to hold it or get all gooey over them like some people do.  It isn't anything against the baby or the mom or anything I just am more of a kid person than a baby person.  Maybe that is what she could also mean by that?
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  • 10-4LilBuddy10-4LilBuddy member

    Like Emikat, I am having difficulty TTC.  I love my SD (her BM is the custodial parent) and would do anything for her.  However, if I were in your SM's position, I know it would stir up a lot of the pain from the past.  She needs to work through it again and in her own time.  She was being honest with you and wanted you to know proactively that she was working through her issues.

    I would still involve them, but gently.  She loves you and she'll need to adjust to being a grandmother (or nana or lola).  She will come around and embrace her role.  She just needs time again to mourn the child she never carried.

    ETA:  Thank you for being such a compassionate person.  Your empathy for her speaks volumes about your relationship.  I am so glad she was able to speak honestly with you and get your understanding and loving response.

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  • christy2125christy2125

    Being infertile myself, I'd like to first thank you for your compassion in regards to how she feels in this situation. 

    Like PP have stated; don't force her to become involved but allow her to work through this on her own. Now I might also differ from other people but I personally would want to know if something I was saying or doing was hurting my family. Just because I'm hurting does not make it okay for me to hurt others with my actions. So if you feel hurt by something she is doing, then you might want to say something along the lines of "I know this is difficult for you right now and I really want to be supportive of you during this time, however when you do ____ it makes me feel ____ and I'm sure you don't mean for it to be this way. How can we comprise so neither of us suffer?" and leave it at that. If she honestly can't change some of her behaviors then go about your life as you normally would.  GL and congrats on your baby.

    TTC 6 years three m/c during that time 5/11 Ruptured Ectopic - Lost left tube and a normal baby boy 2/12 IVF #1 BFN - Very poor egg quality... :( 5/12 IVF #2 Hoping for the best! Est ET 5/11-5/18 BFN Decided to move on to adoption to complete our family!
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  • KaeldrasmommyKaeldrasmommy member
    You're obviously very close. I would give her some time, let her get used to the idea. Then I would involve her. A lot if she's willing. Tell her that this is your first time with this too, and that you want to share it with her.
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