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twinkl5379
member
Frustrating visitation schedule (or lack of)
twinkl5379
member
We lived long distance from skids for the last 3 yrs. The visitation was about every 3 wks (wknds or holidays). It wasn't a set wknd but wasn't too hard to plan since it wasn't too often.
We've just recently moved to the city they lived. Visitation is still not set, which was understandable at first b/c we were in a furnished one-bedroom apt for the first 4 months (provided by my work). So H didn't want to make them sleep on the floor too often, and the shades were cheap and too much light in the morning caused them to wake too early. So he'd maybe get them for the day and take them home at night to sleep rather than keeping them for multiple nights at a time. No problem with this.
Now that we're in the house, there is still no set schedule. Visitation is based on BM's work schedule, and she typically asks maybe 2 days in advance if we can get them. When we moved here the goal (apparently only btwn my H and I) was to go back to EOW and a day here or there as needed. This has not happened b/c it's literally around her schedule with very little notice.
I feel like we need a schedule and BM should have to plan her life/work/babysitters around that. My H and I both travel for work and to see family. Plus, I'm trying to establish a social life for us (we have no family/friends here other than BM b/c we just moved here). So we are busy people and I hardly know from wk to wk when H will be home, much less when we will have the kids.
Am I wrong for wanting a set schedule rather than just random visitation with very little notice, and no consistency. Plus, BM doesn't offer him the same courtesy/flexibility when he wants the kids. It's always all about her schedule (I could provide examples of this too).
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Re: Frustrating visitation schedule (or lack of)
You're not wrong to want a schedule.
What does the CO provide YH in terms of parenting time? If he is entitled to EOW, then he needs to tell BM that he's going to start taking it. If he can't do EOW because of your schedules, then I think you're kind of at her mercy in terms of the flexibility. You can't have the kids just when it's convenient for you.
BM may also not have that much flexibility in her work schedule. She's a nurse, yeah? My mom is one, too. When we were kids, we were fortunate that my dad had a pretty 9-5 type job.
As far as social life, you might just have to adjust your thinking. Make friends with people who have kids and people who don't. People who have kids tend to be very understanding about the way kids complicate things.
The current CO says he is entitled to 1 wknd/month b/c it's based on the long distance scenario. BM doesn't keep the kids from him, and I think he should see them more than this now that we're closer. So that's not the issue.
We could certainly have them EOW or nearly whatever the agreed upon schedule is. I just want a schedule and consistency b/c our lives are busy enough without one. And I guess that is my question - am I wrong to encourage my H to establish consistency rather than letting it revolve around her short noticed needs?
My reason is not simply to avoid accomodating her. I think there can be flexibility, such as us babysitting a night here and there when she needs it. But we need a baseline to be established, something to work from, right?
I mean, on the other extreme, Illumne has a schedule for her SS and herself to wash clothes. So isn't it normal to want to work from a schedue for visitation?
Uggh! I totally understand how frustrating this can be, as we have this problem on both sides!!!
I know it stinks bc your DH obviously wants to spend more time with his kids, but if BM can't be trusted to be there when it's time to drop them off then you should probably stick to the CO. Can he talk to her about and say he is willing to be flexible as long as she doesn't take advantage? Can you go back to court to have your CO ammended now that you are living closer? I'm not sure there is anything they can do to force her to be home or take them back...
Every time DH agrees to take his kids for time outside of what he is entitled as per the CO, we get screwed somehow. She calls at the last minute to have them stay longer, or we drive them all the way home and she isn't there. It has happened so many times I've lost count. I have never had a set schedule with my ex. Our visitation is at my discretion, which basically means when he calls and says he wants to see him I either say yes or no. I have only said no once in 7 years. It is frustrating and difficult, but I do what I have to do so my DS can have a relationship with his dad. I thought abotu going back to court to modify to a more set schedule, but my lawyer advised against it. After many difficult years we have finally gotten to a place where we can help each other out and do what's best for our boy. We work around each other's schedules. It hasn't been easy getting to this point though, and I don't know if it would've worked out so well with further court intervention.
Sorry, I'm not much help at all...
I think it's completely normal to want a schedule. My only issue was that it sounds like you and YH are busy, too, and that if you have a set schedule, it will--at times--be inconvenient to both parties.
You would be 100% in the right to encourage YH to establish some consistency in seeing his kids. And nothing that you've said has indicated that he would necessarily even have to go to court to do that. She seems willing to work with you, so you're already a step ahead.
Could you all sit down and work out something? If you haven't yet met her, maybe that would be a good time. Because your schedule should be taken into account as well. It's not a conversation I would want to be left out of, kwim?
Another comment, and please believe that I say this not snarkily at all--when you talk to her, don't say "babysitting" the kids. I wouldn't take it well if it was said to me, and I wouldn't want your good intentions to be overshadowed by word choice.
Our schedule revolves around BM's work schedule. She is a nurse and her schdule is NEVER the same. We get it 6 weeks at a time, it's different every week and it usually changes the week of, especially during the summer. This week she was suppose to work M, Th and F so we would have SD. Her schedule changed Sunday morning and we found out when she randomly showed up Sunday with SD and said she works S, M, W-F this week so we had to reararnge our schedules. I work full time, have a new baby, and going to school. DH works 2 jobs and tutors 1 night a week. We are busy.
You learn to just adjust when your schedule is dictated by someone else's schedule. It sucks and it's hard on SD but the CO is very vague and just says that both parents get SD 7 days out of a 14 day period with no specifics. When they first started it was just easier to use BM's schedule as the days they had SD, now that she is older and in school I think things need to be more consistent but I have no say and the schedule usually changes my day up more than anyone else since I do all the driving and pick up/drop offs. If you want a more consistent schedule have the CO changed otherwise just be flexible and take the time you are given.
I mean, on the other extreme, Illumne has a schedule for her SS and herself to wash clothes. So isn't it normal to want to work from a schedue for visitation?
Seriously, what does Ilumine have to do with your DH issue? I was just about to tell you that you have come a long way since you started here but I was very wrong.
As for a schedule, yes it is normal to want to know when you will have the kids. And it is not babysitting if your DH takes the kids on an extra night, it is called parenting.
omg! finally somebody else with this issue.....
we live our lives around BM's schedule. she is a nurse and for the most part makes her own schedule. we end up with the kids 45%-50% of the month. which is great!! but we never know what days it'll be until she gives us her work schedule. sometimes its repetitive and others its all out of whack compared to the normal. and then theres the times she doesn't give us a schedule until last minute and we are asking for it. its frustrating having to live your life around someone else. especially when you give that someone else a ton of money along with the convenience. if you find a way of getting a set schedule made please make me aware of it. my DH has consulted an attorney and she told him a mediator would be the first thing a judge tells them to do. i agree a set schedule and then everybody works around their OWN lives and hire a babysitter if needed cause all we are until then are the bm's glorified babysitter!!! i feel ya.....just wish it was cheap and easy to get these things fixed in court.
It's called dry humor.
I don't mean to play devil's advocate, here, but as a BM, I guess it's just kind of my perspective.
Is it possible that she's offering you guys the time to be nice? Even if her sitter cancels, she's got to have a plan B. You guys have only been there for a few months.
There was one time, less than a year after XH and I split up. I was traveling for business (10 days), and offered him the time with DS. My parents were ready & willing to keep him, but I was genuinely trying to be nice. He said he'd do it, and then a few days later wanted something from me in exchange for the "favor" he was doing me. I ended up just leaving DS w/ my folks, and have never again offered him time like that.
I am very scarcastic but this I thought was just dragging something up that has been an issue on here before. And I do not remember you and Ilumine being BFFs to make the joke but maybe I am wrong.
I agree that you need consistency and do not see why your DH does not see this unless he is worried what would happen when he has to travel on his days. How far do you guys live? I will say that I find it amusing/rude that you do not want consistent days during the week bc you guys might have to travel but expect BM to have no issue getting a sitter when she has to work.
On a separate note, how is your relationship with the SKs coming along?
My H pays BM babysitting money based on them being 2 and 4 years of age, now they are in school, so she's not having to pay a babysitter as much. It would be odd for us to pay a babysitter to watch the kids overnight in our house while we are out of town when BM lives 5 minutes from us and would be home every night. So we can't really committ to keeping them during the wk.
And he pays her the babysitting money as part of CS so that she is able to do just that -- get a babysitter.
My relationship is coming along slowly; it's hard, but I'm trying. I kept them one wknd by myself recently (H's brother is in the hospital). That went well and helped to build a relationship. But I don't get those opportunities often. Thanks for asking.
I had been thinking about through Twink, and I am glad to see an update and better one with positive changes. Has moving to "the big city" helped YOU feel better? Are YOU happier with things in general (not talking BF just life)? I hope so, and I hope that these changes will have a positive effect on your BF relationships.
As for the schedule I understand where you are coming from. We have Always had EOW (now that he is 17 he does his own thing and doesn't do EOW him and H just hanford out) and for years it was always we would have SS every weekend for months and then no weekends and then EOW lather rinse repeat. It was tough to never know what was going on and to not be able to make adult plans or just know what was going on. All of that said, and I know you have to be careful not to set up an acceptable pattern of no schedule, but this scenario is still pretty new to everyone. Four months is a short period of time, and if I had to guess it will settle into a more structured routine before long. I bet part of it is BM is happy to have you guys close so she is enjoying being a bit more spontaneous in her schedule, something she couldn't do before with you guys so far away.
Hi Mary - thanks for asking how I am doing. I'm glad that we made this change, in terms of what's in it for me
I love my new job and am glad to be out of the toxic environment of my last job. Just a great change for me overall with a Fortune 500 company.
I also have a much more positive feeling being in a bigger city. Not sure if you are aware of it, but there's is a socilizing site called meetup.com - there are many options for meeting new people with like interests. I've actually gone to 4 different events to try meeting new people. Last wknd H and I went to a couples meetup and made 2 new couple friends. This kind of opportunity doesn't even exist where I lived before b/c it's just too small of a community.
There are so many transplants here that it's easier to meet people and feel like you fit in. In terms of the BF - it's still hard for my H and myself, but I do think that more frequent contact will be good in the long run (trying to be positive). And despite my feelings, I know it's better for them and my H.
PS - plus, the city where we just bought a house was rated the #1 city to live in the country a few yrs back. So it's a nice place to be!
It sounds like it is not BM who is being uncooperative here, it's your DH. So simply tell him that if he doesn't want a schedule that's his decision, but you will not be responsible for accomodating BM or him deciding on a last minute visit. If she offers him time and he wants to accept it he will be responsible for picking them up, caring for them while they are there (or finding an acceptable baby-sitter), and for working around your plans if you already have made them.
I think BM is trying to give the kids more time with their dad. And I think your H probably just doesn't want to rock the boat. But he needs to remember that his boat is your boat. His priorities should include his kids AND his wife.